This episode is my confession. I am tracing the “too much” wound all the way back to childhood, to a little girl whose own mother would retell the story of another parent calling her jaga jaga, over and over again, until the shame of it became something she carried as her own. And then watching that same story follow her into every room, every relationship, every version of herself she tried to soften just to make other people more comfortable.

I talk about the friend who cut me off, the ex who said he wanted peace, the men who call me aggressive just for asking a question. And what happens when the people who love you the most are also the ones who make you feel like the most is too much.

I do not have a resolution for you. I am still in it. But what I do have is the question I am finally brave enough to ask out loud. Am I really too much, or are some people just not enough?

In this episode, I’m sharing something I’ve been sitting with since September 2025 — my late ADHD diagnosis. Five months in, and I’m still processing what it means, what it explains, and honestly, what it costs emotionally to get here.

I’ve been open about my anxiety and depression diagnoses since 2019, and what I didn’t know then was how much those symptoms were overlapping with something that had been there the whole time. This episode is me unpacking all of it — how a TikTok rabbit hole led me to a psychiatrist, what the psychological evaluation actually looked like, and why finding out I have inattentive type ADHD felt equal parts validating and overwhelming.

I also get into the part nobody really talks about — what happens after the diagnosis. The medication process was its own battle. Insurance denials, weekly back and forth at the pharmacy, feeling like I was the only one actually invested in getting myself treated. I eventually had to advocate hard for myself, switch providers, and start over. Three weeks into a new medication now and still figuring it out.

But more than anything, this episode is about the grace that comes with finally having a name for something. My brain isn’t broken. It’s just wired differently. And I’m learning to embrace that, feed it, and make it feel safe — without letting it become my whole identity.

Come for the confessions. Stay for the chaos.

In this episode I share my experiences with all of it. The gap between what people see and what is actually happening. The exhausting performance of having it together. The overthinking. The moment you start asking yourself, when is enough, enough? Where is the line? And will we ever actually cross it?

I used to think perfectionism meant I had high standards. Having an African mother kind of engrains it in you. What I didn’t realize is that it was quietly keeping me stuck and I have felt stuck for a long time. Even with this podcast. You have no idea how long it took me to actually do this.

The beauty of being human is that we are allowed to be messy. We are allowed to make mistakes. We are allowed to show up before we are ready.

So here I am. Showing up.

This is Episode 1 of Ellah’s Confessions. Come for the confessions. Stay for the chaos.