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One aspect of disciplined communication in relationships involves applying a measure of prudence and self-control to what you’re intending or tempted to say to your partner. This can be in ordinary conversation, in tense situations, even in the middle of an angry argument.

It involves applying three criteria which may seem somewhat familiar to certain listeners, since there is already a long-cited adage out there that counsels a person to ask three “is it” questions about what they are about to say. What we suggest is that you keep the “is it true?” and “is it necessary?” but replace “is it kind?” with “is it helpful?” As we explain, that’s not because we don’t think it’s bad or even just optional to be kind!

It’s easy to advise or ask those three “is it. . . ?” questions. But what do they really involve? That’s the more difficult part. So in this episode we examine each of those and what they mean, unpacking them enough to make them genuinely useful for you. And how do we know they’ll likely be helpful for you to incorporate and practice? We’ve been using them ourselves within our own marriage, where they’re definitely needed!

The Stoic Heart® is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Stoic Heart® helps individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships using the timeless principles of Stoic philosophy. We provide the tools for disciplined communication, emotional self-mastery, and deeper, more intentional connections. We apply Stoic practice to help others live more in harmony with nature.

Thanks for reading The Stoic Heart®! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Sharing conversational space with other people might not strike you immediately as something that justice bears upon, but if you think through what it involves, you can see the connection between the virtue and how we carry out conversation. This becomes especially important within intimate personal relationships.

One key aspect of this that we discuss in this particular episode, which can be very helpful for couples, is not trying to pack too much into any one single conversation. There are several different good reasons to avoid that. One of those is that, if you want to talk together in a focused way, giving the attention at least one partner thinks a matter deserves to it (and to the partner), packing all sorts of other topics into the conversation will get in the way.

Often this tendency stems from a fear that one might not even acknowledge or realize, a concern that if what one wants to say or discuss doesn’t get addressed in this particular conversation, it won’t get talked about at all. If all we had were a single conversation with a person, then that apprehension would be reasonable. But it isn’t, and we discuss how we ourselves struggle against that mistaken assumption.

There are a number of other aspects to conducting a conversation in disciplined ways that we’ll be exploring later on. But we don’t need to try to bring those into the conversation at this point, since there will be plenty of other opportunities to explore them later. (See what we just did there?)

The Stoic Heart® is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Stoic Heart® helps individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships using the timeless principles of Stoic philosophy. We provide the tools for disciplined communication, emotional self-mastery, and deeper, more intentional connections. We apply Stoic practice to help others live more in harmony with nature.

In this first episode of The Stoic Heart® podcast, Andi and Greg discuss one particular useful Stoic practice, that of choosing to insert a pause (or even just slowing down) after the responses we have to the situations we find ourselves in with other people, in particular to what they do, say, the attitude they display, or even what they don’t do. All too often we jump straight from what appears to us to lines of thinking, feeling and responding that might feel natural or right, but are often off base. Taking that moment of time allows us to question the appearances and determine whether they really are what they present themselves as, or if we’re misinterpreting them, bringing in unwarranted assumptions, slipping into old habits or dynamics, een engaging in implicit or automatic lines of reasoning. This is especially important for how partners in a relationship respond to each other, whether in conversations, day-to-day life, conflicts, or other situations.

The Stoic Heart® is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Stoic Heart® helps individuals and couples navigate the complexities of modern relationships using the timeless principles of Stoic philosophy. We provide the tools for disciplined communication, emotional self-mastery, and deeper, more intentional connections. We apply Stoic practice to help others live more in harmony with nature.