Yet, I think we make a mistake when we overlook how it impacted men and boys.

Purity culture dehumanized both men and women.

Purity culture reduced women and men to their sexual roles. Healing means reclaiming our full humanity.

It taught boys that their sexuality was inherently dangerous, that their bodies couldn’t be trusted, and that they had to fight against their sexual desires and “inevitable porn addiction.”

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Purity culture didn’t just teach women to fear men’s sexuality. It taught men to fear their own.

Rather than learning “I am capable of making healthy, responsible choices,” boys learned “I am one bad thought away from becoming dangerous and an addict.”

For many, this became the foundation of a deep cycle of shame.

By tying masculinity to sexual conquest and securing a wife, purity culture also promoted an entitlement to women’s bodies, while placing the responsibility of men’s sexual thoughts and behaviors on women. This dynamic has contributed to cultures where abuse, victim-blaming, and unequal power can flourish.

Addressing the ways purity culture dehumanized men is essential if we want to rehumanize women.

When boys are taught a version of masculinity that revolves around untamed sexuality and dominance and girls are taught that they are responsible for managing it, everyone loses.

In this conversation with Jacob Gooden from the Ex-Homeschoolers Club Podcast and Allison Rose from the Recovering Radical Podcast, we discuss the messages boys received during purity culture, the long-term effects of purity culture, and the cycle of shame that trapped so many men.

We also discuss emotional suppression, consent, building a healthy masculinity, and building a healthy self-worth that isn’t tied to your sexual desires.

Most importantly, we talk about healing.

Healing isn’t about becoming a “perfect” or “pure” man or woman. It’s about rebuilding a relationship with yourself, embracing a healthy masculinity rooted in dignity, empathy, accountability, and self-compassion.

Share this post with someone who needs to hear it.

Unlearning purity culture’s messages means undoing the shame cycle and the harmful messages we were taught. It means remembering we are both human beings clothed in strength and dignity.

You are a human being, worthy of dignity, love, and belonging.

Healing means replacing these messages of fear and shame with compassion, self-trust, and authenticity.

For more on this topic, watch Reconnecting to the Body After Purity Culture with Kate Johnson and Allison Rose.

Let me know your experience and your thoughts in the comments. What messages are you still unlearning?

If this conversation resonates with you, feel free to share with a friend who needs to listen to this.

Content Note: Per the title, we do have frank discussions on sex, pornography, and masturbation, as these were topics frequently brought up in male purity culture. If this makes you blush, this episode may not be for you.

More About Featured Guest Jacob Gooden and the Ex-Homeschoolers Podcast

After being homeschooled for 10 years, Jacob Gooden created the Ex-Homeschoolers Club to give former homeschoolers a place to tell their stories. The podcast features honest conversations about the good, the bad, and the ugly of growing up homeschooled, highlighting the wide range of experiences that exist within the homeschooling community.

* Substack

* Instagram

* Threads

* Youtube

* Spotify

Jacob and I recently did a podcast together discussing my story through homeschooling.

Allison Rose

* Instagram

* TikTok

* Youtube

* Spotify

Kate Johnson

* Instagram

* Threads

* TikTok

* Youtube

* Spotify

Books

* Nontoxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality by Zachary Wagener

* The Sexually Healthy Man: Essays on Spirituality, Sexuality, and Restoration by Andrew J. Bauman

* Ejaculate Responsibly by Gabrielle Blair

* Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

* She Comes First by Ian Kerner

* When Religion Hurts You by Dr. Laura Anderson

Podcast Mentioned

* Sex With Emily

One of the hardest parts about deconstructing is how lonely is feels. As I listened to Rachel Held Evans on audiobook in my car, I didn’t feel like I had anyone I could talk to about my changing beliefs or my evolving faith.

Church often provides something that is difficult for us to replace: a built-in sense of community.

As a pastor’s daughter, church was my whole world: Sunday school, choir, homeschool group, volunteering for events, bible study, potlucks. I spent most of my childhood at the church multiple times a week or spending time with church friends.

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Since we shared the same values, there was an inherent sense of belonging.

But what happens when you no longer fit in the place where you once belonged?

How do you find community and belonging again?

Allison and I recently went live to talk about exactly that question.

In our conversation, we discuss rebuilding community, cultivating friendships, and learning to trust yourself enough to build relationships where your full, true self is welcome.

If you’re navigating rebuilding your social life after deconstruction, I hope this conversation reminds you that you aren’t alone and that you can still have meaningful connections in your life.

I’d love to hear your story in the comments. Where have your found community after leaving church?

For me, it was going to trapeze class. I’d love to hear yours!

Books mentioned in this episode:

* I Belong to Me by Tia Levings

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So when you first realize you are grieving someone that hasn’t actually died, the experience can be incredibly confusing.

We can grieve a lot of different losses that aren’t due to death:

* A parent who we may be estranged from or the parent you needed

* The loss of relationship due to addiction, abuse, or disease like dementia

* A marriage

* Your faith

* Your community

* Fertility

* Childhood trauma

* An identity you once had: Christian good girl, the caretaker, the strong one, the people pleaser

* The person you were before chronic illness or disease took over your life

Maybe you’re wondering:

* “Why can’t I just get over this?”

* “Why am I still thinking about it?”

* “Why does this hurt so much when nobody died?”

The truth is, there’s nothing wrong with you. There is a term for this type of loss. It’s called Ambiguous grief.

Here’s a definition from my essay, “Resilience in the City of Ghosts” that was recently featured in Memoir Monday’s best personal essays on the web:

“Ambiguous grief is an open-ended grief without resolution. No funeral to mark the end, no body with your hopes for what the relationship could have been. There is nothing concrete—no tombstone or funeral—to cling to to validate the sense of loss. All that remains is the hope of what could have been.”

The problem is there is no set roadmap to ambiguous grief like there is for death.

Yet, processing that grief is still incredibly important. For those of us who grew up in faith communities, it is especially for us to pay attention to as we often learned to spiritually bypass negative feelings and focus on the positive.

But that is not how we heal.

In this week’s Live, Lauren (The Grief Circle) and I discuss the roadmap of ambiguous grief and grief’s radical transformation in our lives.

Books mentioned in this episode:

* Soulbroken: A Guidebook for Your Journey Through Ambiguous Grief by Stephanie Sarazin

* I Belong to Me by Tia Levings

* The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

* Reregulated by Anna Runkle

Other books for Chronic Illness grief:

* The Place Between Our Pains by K.J. Ramsey

Check out Lauren’s work ( The Grief Circle)

* Instagram

* TikTok

* Website

Quips and Confessionals is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Thanks for reading Quips and Confessionals! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Quips and Confessionals is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber or Buy Me a Coffee.

Thanks for reading Quips and Confessionals! This post is public so feel free to share it.