- John Lubbock

Our human brains are hardwired to worry. It helps us to survive.

Or it used to - when there were real dangers to worry about - like tigers in the night and rival tribes robbing our homesteads.

Nowadays we spend much of our time worrying about things like whether or not the bus will be late, what our boss thought of our last email and whether our kids will grow up to be sensible adults.

None of these worries keep us alive.

They don’t add to our lives.

Heck, they are more tiring than the life we’re actually living.

So today I’m going to share how I help my clients to cope with worry. As an added bonus I’ve recorded a ‘Let your worries go’ exercise for you, which you can listen to.

The questions that stop you worrying:

The next time you catch yourself worrying, stop to ask yourself these three questions:

* Is this thing I am worrying about actually happening right now?

* Is there anything I can do about this worry?

* Does me worrying about this change anything?

For example; if you are worrying that you may lose your job and then not be able to pay your rent and then become homeless - the answers to these questions are:

* No

* No

* … worrying may negatively affect your performance

On the other hand if you have just lost your job and you don’t have enough money in your bank account to pay your rent and you’ve received notice from your landlord the answers to these questions are:

* Yes

* Yes (ask for help, find a new job, take out a loan, stay with family etc.)

* Yes if I come up with a plan and act on my plan

The difference between fruitful and fruitless worry:

The difference between these two examples is that in one case it leads to no change (except that maybe you’ve suffered for an hour imagining worst case scenarios and come up with 10 back up plans that make you feel slightly more in control), whereas in the other case, when the thing is actually happening and you can do something about it, your worry has led to change.

Worry is only helpful when it leads to meaningful action.

What to do with fruitful worries:

When you discover that the answers to my three questions above are YES - then the worry is likely fruitful and you should come up with a plan to solve the problem and then act on it.

Without the plan and action the worry becomes relegated to the fruitless category.

What to do with fruitless worries:

Recognise that what you are worrying about hasn’t happened yet and may never happen. Or recognise that no matter how much you worry it is out of your control.

Accept that the bad thing may or may not happen. Accept that you can only change anything when the situation is happening or if something is in your control.

Refocus your attention onto the present (use my ‘Letting your worries go’ exercise for this).

The next time your brain throws a “but what if” worry at you, practice replying with a gentle “maybe that will happen”.

Do NOT make a plan for how to deal if that ‘what if’ happens. Each plan you make for something that hasn’t happened yet, each reassurance you give yourself that the bad thing won’t happen, is like a candy reward to your brain for worrying.

The brain learns “worrying leads to me feeling more in control” and worries more and more.

Read more about this vicious cycle in my article on worry here.

Instead be gentle, reply “maybe it will happen” and refocus your attention onto your actual life. The one that is actually happening to you right now. Not the terrible one that your brain is making up because it has gotten into a habit of worrying.

Summary:

Worry is only helpful when it is about something that is actually happening, that is in your control and that leads to action or change.

Making a plan for how to deal with worries about things that haven’t happened or that are out of your control might make you feel better in the moment, but in the long run it trains your brain to worry more.

Comment on this article to share what helps you with worrying:

Know someone who worries? Share this article with them if you think they will find it helpful.

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Find out more about me at www.efiaskitchen.com

Would you like to work one to one with me to learn how to manage worries? Then book a free 15 minute intro call here.

It instantly struck a chord, because I often see how my clients struggles to feel like they deserve love, wellbeing and happiness get in the way of their health and making changes to improve their life.

I could think of countless people I had worked with who would have benefited from this ‘re-wiring’ to remind them that they do deserve love, wellbeing and happiness.

Research shows that regular practice of the metta meditation:

* Decreases proinflammatory markers, especially C-reactive protein (CRP)

* Decreases pro-inflammatory cytokines, especially tumour necrosis factor-a (TNFa)

* Ameliorates chronic pain

* Reduces self-criticism

* Increases self-compassion

* Reduces depressive symptoms

* Increases positive emotions

* Decreases in self-judgement

* Decreases in dwelling on the past

* Decreases in self-focus

* Increases likelihood of achieving self-care goals

As a Christian, I wanted a version of this meditation that would connect me with God, the father. At the root of Christianity is the belief that we are God’s unconditionally loved children, created perfectly by him and that he has a good, good plan for our lives.

Although this is one of the core messages of Christianity, many Christians (including myself) struggle to truly accept this message.

How can He love us unconditionally with all our flaws? How can He have a good plan for our lives, when we are so unimportant? How can we be perfectly created when we are so clearly imperfect?

And yet, the bible tells us these things over and over again:

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. John 3:16

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I believe by meditating on these truths, for ourselves, our loved ones, people we don’t know and people we don’t like we can slowly come to accept them as TRUTH.

Once we have accepted them as truth we can live them. We can be open to caring for ourselves and others in ways that allow us to feel safe, loved and well.

A Christian Loving Kindness Meditation:

I am deeply loved and deeply held by God.

He wants me to be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

He wants me to be safe and free from injury.

He wants me to live with lightness and love.

[Now think of someone you love]

You are deeply loved and deeply held by God.

He wants you to be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

He wants you to be safe and free from injury.

He wants you to live with lightness and love.

[Now think of someone or a group of people you don’t personally know]

You are deeply loved and deeply held by God.

He wants you to be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

He wants you to be safe and free from injury.

He wants you to live with lightness and love.

[Now think of someone or a group of people you don’t like]

You are deeply loved and deeply held by God.

He wants you to be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

He wants you to be safe and free from injury.

He wants you to live with lightness and love.

[Now return your thoughts to yourself]

I am deeply loved and deeply held by God.

He wants me to be peaceful, happy, and light in body and spirit.

He wants me to be safe and free from injury.

He wants me to live with lightness and love.