5:45 — Starting Pitching: B

“None of our pitchers is a ‘guy.’” -Nick

8:00 — Relief Pitching: C

“I can’t lose sight of who I am as a baseball observer: negative and against analytics.” -Alex

10:00 — Catcher: F

“That Pereda stretch was a lot of fun, though, guys. Let’s not forget about that.” -Alex

12:00 — First Base: D

“He just sucks. He went from being like—just like a fun, kind of unique body shape, like fun guy, played hard—to just rolling over and sucking.” -Alex

13:15 — Second Base: A

“How many kids do you think he’ll have in the 20th year of that contract?” -Jack

“Probably like 7 bro. He’s a dog.” -Alex

16:37.5 — Third Base: B+

“Are we sure that Donovan’s not the guy outside of T-Mobile with the blowhorn, talking about Jesus? That guy’s got long hair and a beard too.” -Jack

14:15 — Shortstop: C

“Have we seen enough from him to call him a bust?” -Nick

“Yes.” -Alex

19:45 — Left Field: A

“He’s about as low on the eye test as you can get.” -Zander

“Honestly, Jesse Winker and him, it’s a coin flip in left field.” -Jack

21:35 — Center Field: B+

"Shiv and him have a lot in common. Similar frame. Kind eyes.” -Alex

22:50 — Right Field: N/A

“He’d have to hit like .650 the rest of the year to break .200.” -Alex

“Just a disgusting player.” -Nick

“He is—he has been the—. He is ‘F.’” -Jack

“He’s the worst batter in Dipoto history.” -Zander

25:00 — Manager: D-

“Has he ever managed a baseball team at any level before this?” -Nick

“He was in the Reds’ system.” -Zander

25:15 — Front Office:

“I’m starting to think Dipoto’s a little limited, man.” -Jack

Fortunately, Hayden shows up to save the day and share some of the opinions that current elected Democrats have decided are appropriate. He’s super knowledgeable about this shit, it appears, as are Zander and Alex and Jack, honestly. I think before you crucify us/me for our/my ignorance, though, please be honest with yourself.

2:00 — Shaming Marine Layer podcast listeners

5:45 — U.S.’s role in the Iran War-New York Mets analogy (Maptap-sponsored section)

6:00 — Price of gas venting

11:00 — The Italian-American Baseball Asset Relief Program

14:00 — Spirt Airlines shutdown

18:30 — Evaluating the first attempted assassination of Trump

22:00 — North Korea

26:00 — Hayden explains how single-payer healthcare works in Europe

30:00 — AIPAC

42:00 — the Jordan-Tatum GOAT debate

44:00 — John Stanton v. Bill Clinton ‘Huzz Debate’

45:15 — Alex puts forth perhaps the worst take of the year about Kirby (this was recorded on May 14)

46:30 — Luis Castillo: Hemorrhoid or polyp

My grandpa died of colon cancer and I have hemorrhoids so it’s appropriate for me to talk about that.

* You have anything to do OR

* You are affiliated with me professionally in any remote understanding of the word

* AND you care about professionalism

OR

C. You hate The Wall.

Please leave in the comments if you think I/we should change our name(s) on here so they don’t reflect who we are professionally. I’m thinking some sort of pseduonym (i.e., Nigel Williamson???). Also, mailbag: jackweigand33@gmail.com. Drop some comments about whether or not you think Nick should get ***********.

Thanks for reading this horseshit and potentially even listening to it! This post is public, so feel free to share it.

The Jesse Winker/Taylor Trammell Award for Worst Outfielder: Luke Raley

The Luis Castillo Award for Most Hated Starting Pitcher: Bryce Miller

The Matt Festa Award for Least Trustworthy Reliever: Carlos Vargas

The Jesse Winker Award for Most Disappointing Acquisition: Rob Refsnyder

The JP Crawford Award for Shittiest Every Day Starting Position Player: Leo Rivas

The Teoscar Hernandez Award for Best Former Mariner Player on a Different Team: Eugenio Suarez

The Cal Raleigh Award for Least Shitty hitter: Brendan Donovan

The Felix Hernandez Award for Not Yet Shitty Pitcher: Brian Woo

The Jesse Winker Award for Shittiest Defender: Randy Arozarena

The John Stanton Award for Most Deceitful MLB Owner: John Stanton

“You’re reading a bedtime story, and you have the paper behind your kid’s head, and you’re rolling while you’re reading. I wonder if my dad ever did that — how cool would that be?”

“I’m sure a lot of our listeners are hitting that [Pagliaci] Wednesday BOGO discount.”

“I was at a game where [Carlos Vargas] was in the bullpen, and we were walking past him in the stadium, and he was talking to Honeys.”

* Steven Kwan LF (Traded in the offseason for OF Lazaro Montes)

* Ketel Marte 2B (Traded in the offseason for SS Colt Emerson, 2B Cole Young)

* Cal Raleigh C

* Julio Rodriguez CF

* Josh Naylor 1B

* Haruki Murakami 3B (Signed in the offseason for 5 years, $100 million)

* Jorge Polanco DH (Signed in the offseason for 4 years, $56 million)

* Randy Arozarena RF

* JP Crawford SS

Brian Woo SP

Keep in mind, this is a fantasy world

The guys sit down and get to the bottom of just what, exactly, a ‘no-trade clause’ even means.

M.A.D. Unlimited is not really worth your time. To support this work and have your email inundated with meaningless, pick-me articles, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Thanks for reading M.A.D. Unlimited! This post is public so feel free to share it.

I’m actually writing this on Friday morning (🫢), but I thought it’d be shrewd to have it sent out four hours before the first pitch of the Mariners’ five-game muckbang with the Detroit Tigers. And you can thank SoberTober for that business savvy.

As I’ve been eagerly repeating to anyone who’ll listen, as I think it makes me sound smart, lately it’s become increasingly difficult for me to maintain my negativity towards this Mariners team with any sort of conviction. ‘Hope’ is such an ugly, ugly word, obviously, but even I must admit that this team’s performance over the past month has filled me with what can only be called, for lack of a better word, hope.

So here’s to the next five hours of blissful ignorance — ignorance to what shall transpire between now and 2100 PST; ignorance to the throes of futility that inevitably befall this franchise between first pitch and final sundown; ignorance, albeit short-lived, to the crushing sobriety that must follow tonight’s loss.

In the words of Andy Dufresne, “Hope is a dangerous, dangerous thing.” Let us not forget that.

After exorcising our summer road demons with blowout wins in Kansas City and a sweep of the battered Astros—capped by a 7–3 thrashing of Houston on national television so lopsided I forced my girlfriend to watch Chiefs–Giants in the Meadowlands instead—the 2025 Mariners now return home.

They’ll walk into what should be a frenzied T-Mobile Park on Tuesday to face the Rockies (-404 run differential) and then the Dodgers, who will probably have clinched the division before the weekend. Both these teams are focused on October for completely different reasons and the Mariners should take care of business. Now holding the tiebreaker over Houston, the Mariners need just three wins to clinch their first AL West title since I was 1.8 years old.

How will they blow this? I’m running out of scenarios. Maybe McCade Brown and his 9.17 ERA will figure it out in his 5th big-league start. Maybe the long-ball variance we’ve ridden all year finally fades in the fall dew. Maybe the Etsy Witch will recall the curse?

Worse: what if we actually *win* the division? A five-game series against the Tigers, three of which are at home, where we’ll likely be favored. Maybe Skubal hits the Chieftain the night before his first start like it’s 2016 and we stumble into the ALCS to face the Yankees—who also might not be good? Fuck. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Regardless, remember: no matter the outcome, no matter how chipper Goldsmith and Mentink sound while glazing Cal’s backside this week, this season will ultimately be a disappointment. We are still a lazy, pathetic, cheap franchise destined to watch the middle of the lineup walk out the door in free agency. Then we’ll take a deep breath and try to get excited about Julio’s second half splits, Canzone’s batting average or Williamson’s progress in Tacoma. In a few weeks, we will trick ourselves into believing in Sam Darnold and forget entirely about this miserable season.

Hopelessness is always where we land.

-Alex Johanson, Contributing Writer

“Shoutout 2009 David Aardsma. 38 saves.”

-Zander Norris (15:55)

In case you somehow haven’t yet, don’t forget to listen to last week’s segment on the Mariners’ All-21st-Century batting lineup.

“Guys—. I- I- I- I thought about Geno, but it was always Beltre versus Seager.”

-Jack on his third baseman

If you liked this 39-minute segment, you’ll be overjoyed to learn that the second half of the recording, featuring the Mariners’ all-21st-century pitching staff, is still in production but will be released next week.

-Zander Norris (20:27)

Timestamps:

* 0:00: PSA to abundance of listeners & haters

* 1:30: Devers trade

* 3:45: M’s sweep Guardians

* 6:30: How each team in the AL Wildcard race has skullfucked or will skullfuck us

* 16:00: Picking M’s players we wish could hit half as well as J.P.

* 18:30: Some of our most prominent woes

* 21:00ish: Picking relievers on the team that we hate

* 25:00: Every spring there’s like two guys that come up around the same time

* 26:00: Josh Rojas on the White Sox

* 26:30: NBA Finals

* 27:40: Projecting Logan Gilbert’s return retroactively now

* 29:50: Picking M’s hitters to face M’s pitchers

* 33:00: Softball league recap

* 35:00: ‘Skullfuck’ + Tool

”You can never get ahead of yourselves with this team. I’ve seen too many ‘Mike Juninos’ in my time.”

“He got kind of a fluky, like, pop-single, and they cut to him on first base, and he’s got his hands up above his head, he’s clapping, the dugout’s cheering for him. And it’s because he got his first base hit of the season.”

“I’m here to talk a little bit about last night’s 12-inning loss to your Houston Astros, probably the most hated franchise in the history of sport.”

“My buddy, Jared, is like, ‘Give it to the kids, give it to the kids!’ Cuz it was Little League day [at T-Mobile Ballpark]… And I said, ‘FUCK NO!’ ”