3 months. 54 episodes. 120 songs. If my math is correct (which it rarely ever is). This here is the season finale of the first season of Every Song.

Oh, how very fitting that I am once again, sick for the very last episode and my nose is so stuffy yet runny and itchy and eurgh. And my voioce is low again and I’m trying to like pitch it up higher and give it a bit more energy. I realise that in some of the episode openings I sound really soft and high-pitched and some I sound really, like, “WELCOME”, like I’m ready to confront an issue or confront something that is inside me that I’m about to tell people. Some are, like, really soft and feminine and vulnerable. I was listening through some of the openings the other day and I was like, “Oh my god, I sound different in every episode”. So, in this episode I sound sick again. It feels like my body is purging as I purge and release a lot of pent up emotions from my life through these songs. I don’t know what my body’s doing. It’s just been a really weird and stressful year. My mental stress is manifesting physically. Not really emotional stress. I think emotionally, I’ve been really good this year. Things for me emotionally have been really stabel and nice and my life is, I guess, emotionally peaceful. But just the mental load of career and finances - just the logistics of life. The really boring logistics of life has been really ‘wearing down on me’? (Is that a saying?) It’s just taking a toll on me. I feel like it’s physically manifesting in my body.

When I started this series a few months ago, I did so at a place in my life where I felt like I was coming up to a crossroads or an overlap between limbo and my previous life. It felt like I was waking up everyday to a previous life even though I had not yet lived a future life. It just felt like everyday I woke up, it was already over and I was living a flashback for months and months.

I was only working part-time as an elected governor for my local council, which I was trying to supplement with a second job so I can survive. However, for that first half of the year, I just kept getting rejected. I just could not get a second job. I just ended up having a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden after the last few years of working two jobs and doing post-grad studies all at once.

At the same time, my boyfriend Lloyd was stationed out of town for work and we did long distance for over 3 months. I was just alone in our apartment for ages with my thoughts.

That’s when I slowly started to pick up my guitar again. I slowly started to sit in front of my digital piano and play, a little more every single day. I just started writing little by little again day after day.

When I first started playing and singing again, I was very rusty. Well, I still am. But it is because I haven’t seriously been disciplined with music or seriously been in practise for years, since before COVID. So, my vocals weren’t what they used to be. Also, as an instrumentalist, as a musician, I knew I was very very rusty. My timing, my finger dexterity, my theory; I was just very out of practice. I started wondering if I should get myself back in the swing of things and dust of my old fingers and vocal chords. Not to mention, the only software I have right now is Garageband. My knockoff Logic Pro X doesn’t work on this laptop so I don’t have access to any fancy effects or mixing and editing features. Which, I guess, is supposed to be the purpose of this songwriting series: to be as stripped back as possible.

Another point that I was going to make was that, because at this time I was already capitalistically conditioned, I did initially wonder what the hell the point would be since it’s not going to be a reliable second job that could supplement my lifestyle. But there was not much else to do at that time and I felt a little bit of a calling to just play music.

And so, I did. I thought it might be a good idea to start forcing myself to write full songs again as well as play through my old songs. Everything I have ever written before. That’s where I got the idea for this series. I thought playing through the evolution of my songwriting might get me back in the zone. I feel like it definitely did.

I do feel like now that I’m at the end of this first part of the series, I’m in a good space creatively. Although, it could get a lot better if I cultivated an environment of creativity everyday at home or hopefully at a new job now that I’ve moved to a new country in search for a new job. They keep calling us financial refugees or economic refugees. Even though the word refugees, obviously, I don’t agree with labelling myself that. But I think just because a lot of Kiwis are moving in hoardes to Australia now because there are no jobs in New Zealand, that’s what the news and a lot of the street language (I was gonna call it street slang)- a lot of people, a lot of us are being financial/economic refugees. Well, I would rather just call myself an economic migrant, but yeah.

What was I saying? Yeah, so, creatively I’m in a good place and I just hope that I don’t lose this momentum. Especially when this creative flow that I’ve found myself in these days, in addition to the regular self-reflection that comes with singing through old music, has helped contextualise how far I’ve come. Even though, I have so much to go, still, with improving myself.

When I was younger I had so many confusing and harmful thoughts and emotions that I didn’t know quite what to do with or how to process or how to release in a healthy way. That’s due, in part, to not being taught in a way that goes through to me and not being taught because I had no reliable close adults who also possessed the skill to do it themselves in their own lives. It is really harrowing now, looking back at how much damage being raised by a community of emotionally illiterate adults and religious dogma can do to a child. To nobody’s surprise, I turned out, also, to be an emotionally illiterate young adult who has caused harm toward others without awareness and care. Until now, I guess.

I have been trying to work on being less of an a*****e for the last few years, since my late twenties but it is of course going to be a lifelong journey. As Scanlon says, “Working out the terms of moral justification is an unending task”. I should accept that for the rest of my life I will be continuously trying to justify the implications of my decisions against various moral codes and worldviews of whatever specific context and time period. Additionally, I will also be continuously trying to justify the wrongdoings of others unto me, because I’m trying to make sense of it all, especially by grown adults who were supposed to support and love me unconditionally, grown adults who we’re supposed to trust with our lives as children, not just in practicality and survival but also with spiritual and ethical enrichment.

Although, I do wonder, since I am a child of—or rather, a product of—Asian cultural and philosophical upbringing, was I ever even entitled to being given anything more by the people who conceived and raised me than just a roof over my head, food, clothing, and an education? Some say that if you have those essentials then you ask for nothing more. Your legal guardians are not your little friends, they say. They are not there to give you unconditional support with your personal ventures outside of academic success or commercial success that doesn’t conform to the structures of traditional employment; they are not here to give you an emotional safe space for you to be vulnerable with your mental state and give you nuanced, sensitive emotional care and affection. Their only job is to make sure you toughen the f**k up so that you can survive that harsh world out there, stay alive and be of acceptable social and medical standing (because if you are not, that’s very embarassing on their part and god forbid they be perceived as a failure as legal guardians).

As a 34-year-old woman now, in the midst of serious consideration on bearing children and fertility, I cannot help but wonder if the end goal of parenthood is just the performance of parenthood for the public; to conform to societal standards of familybuilding and homemaking; to simply be deemed an exceptional parent or legal guardian; to show off smiles in family holiday photos and a neat home when hosting dinner parties; to give ones offspring an adequate amount of practical protection from exposure to the natural climate and a home environment to churn out little baby cogs in the machine so that they can wash their hands clean of any other mental or emotional responsibility (“If I did ABC then I don’t have to do DEF and you should just shut up and be thankful for it”). I cannot help but wonder if that is just the whole point and logistics of parenthood and building a family.

From what I have personally witnessed and lived through, I just simply struggle to see parenthood as a phase in ones human life to create and nourish another human life to being their best and most authentic self with no expectations, no judgement, no conditions, just pure acceptance. Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Because I didn’t experience that. I just felt a lot of pressure to become something I’m not everyday, and show up as something I’m not everyday and only be given support if I show up as something I’m not and cannot be everyday. I have met other adults now who did experience pure, unconditional support and love from the people who raised them and I feel jealousy, to be honest. And to be honest, I am so deathly afraid of becoming a parent myself, lest I become just another life-bearing adult who only gives a child the bare essentials to survive but not thrive and grow into kind yet critical adults who can contribute to the progressive evolution of humankind and help drive humantiy out of antequated conservative ideologies that hold us all back instead of just wanting to live in the world and extract the benefits of it, conforming without having to think about making anything better.

I think there’s a lot of unhealed pain in me and my worldviews because it has not been proven otherwise that the two people who put me in this world did so with the intention of only adding another person to a religious existence because they were mentally conditioned to believe that it is what they were just supposed to do. And perhaps that’s the reason why I have struggled with my sense of purpose ever since I was a kid, my sense of self and ultimate reason for being alive. I firmly believe that they never questioned what that meant for the humanbeings they create except for that those little humanbeings need to then continue the cycle and also re-produce with no critical or defiant thought. Now, they have three adult offsprings with no children while they sit and wait for grandchildren, too afraid of confronting and taking accountability for their behaviours and actions that have influenced the fact that their three offsprings are extremely cautious about bringing any more humans into this world if that is what existence and upbringing and parenthood means.

If bringing another human into this world means that there is just another young person who feels emotionally neglected, being dismissed and being told that their emotional and mental needs do not matter, sitting alone in their rooms every night feeling unseen and unheard, just making and playing sad songs by themselves because that’s the only way they know how to cope, and in adulthood have very complicated feelings toward the people who raised them, who just feel obligated to keep in touch with no deeper affection or care toward them… then I do not want that.

Again, for some who subscribe to the Asian philosophy of parenthood then that would probably sound either too harsh or it might sound like a given. Like, yes, duh, that’s what a parent-child relationship is supposed to be like. If you are a child you are obligated and it doesn’t matter what feelings you have about the situation, that’s just the way it is, you shut up and do your obligations. It’s very dismissive and it allows for so many grievances to be and remain unaddressed. There is so much power imbalance in that way of living and thinking. It breeds resentment and guilt and viceral disgusting feelings that will never be resolved because to express a desire to resolve something wrong or to complain about anything at all is seen as being ungrateful and disrespectful. It’s a toxic environment for human beings.

I refuse to subscribe to that mentality. I refuse to repeat that cycle of parenthood and I refuse to participate in it now and an adult child. I’m over feeling guilty and just participating out of guilt and obligation and not out of love and respect. Especially when I do not feel accepted and unconditionally loved as my full authentic self, since when I approach this relationship I must leave parts of myself behind and only show up as how people want me to. I cannot bring all that I am to the table and it feels horrible. I do not want to do that anymore. I am a full grown adult now. I just want to be myself without having to answer to powers that continuously suppress and dismiss my voice, and operate out of guilt and fear. In a space where it has been proven that my emotional and mental needs are not valued and is at the bottom of the priority list; in a space where I have been taught that it is only acceptable to be given and accept material and essential support; I do not belong - that’s just not me.

And for a long time, as a kid and into young adulthood, I have felt that but have never had the resources to learn about what those feelings were, or I have not had the time to grow and learn about what those were, so I just kept writing about it. And I projected those feelings and all the learned behaviour onto others; onto relationships, onto jobs and my career, my education and authority figures, my friendships. How I was taught to accept and give expressions of affection out of obligation seeped into every aspect of my life. Even if I wanted to express pure love and admiration toward others, it always ended up being somewhat transactional because I was raised in an environment of, “If I do this for you then you must do this for me and if I do this for you that means you can’t bring up anything I did wrong up because of how ungrateful that would be therefore I don’t have to take accountability for my actions or the damage I have done”. So, for most of my life, I ran away from accountability, even when I know I did wrong and hurt friends and even random guys. I run away from accountability because I never grew up with adults, who were supposed to set a good example, who did that, who knew how to apologise, and take accountability, confront their own shortcomings and wrongdoings, and make a conscious effort to do better. I grew up believing that people do not have to do that and we can just shut people out, cut them off, the moment we have to take accountability for our actions and apologise. There is no need for apologising and taking accountability if you bury it with enough good deeds. But no amount of material good deeds and favours can ever balance out emotional pain and neglect. For a long time, growing up, especially as a kid, I didn’t know that that was the conditioning I was under. It wasn’t until now, as an adult, did I start realising that.

I am, very obviously, only in step one of this process of being able to identify it and put it into words. It’s only the beginning of my journey of processing and healing from it. Obviously, who knows, in a year from now, I might have better insight into this or I might have different thoughts on how to approach this or how to feel about this. But for now, this is just how I feel because this is just the beginning of my journey to identifying, accepting, and healing, and moving on.

And, playing these old songs that I wrote as a young teenager, I see now that this how I felt throughout those years, from being a kid through young adulthood. This is how I felt through the way I worded and wrote and expressed the feeling of emotional neglect, suppression and angst.

Anyway, this is a song I wrote when I was 14 years old around November of 2005, called Taking Your Time.

051100 Taking Your Time

Now because you’re pervertedI’m living me life miserablyNow because my friends are b*****sI accept my own apologiesNow because you are stupidI can’t calculate the probabilitiesNow my friends are stonedI won’t come home

Taking your timeYou’re out of my mindTrying my best to look just fineI’ll be with you in a whileHere you can wait in lineStaring, murdering the skyTaking your time

Now because God’s not helpingI won’t be praying, noNow because you’re an a*****eI’ll stop wasting time, sitting here singingNow because my friends are liarsI cannot be botheredNow I am goneI won’t come home

Ten years after writing that, I wrote this song about being at peace with the things that I cannot change, things I have learnt about loving those around me and being loved in whatever way people have the capacity and capability to. It’s a little inspired by the concept of a chosen family and building a community of people whose values and philosophies in life are compatible with mine.

Musically, in the bridge, it takes from The Beatle’s Hey Jude na na na type bridge. I envisioned this song with a choir or a bunch of people in the bridge singing the na na na’s together on a wonderfully joyous cresendo. It’s just meant to be one of those really happy, it-is-what-it-is, que sera sera songs.

Alright, I’m going to end on this song but before I go, I just want to say thank you if you have listened all the way up to this last 54th episode from the very beginning. It’s been a weird journey, reminising and reflecting on what I’ve been through through my songs. I’m going to start working on the second season of Every Song as soon as I finish this, especially since the theme will be relationships, going through the timeline of the four boyfriends I have had which starts from when I was around 19/20ish until now; and how and why I behaved the way, and accepted the things I did, and hurt people the way I did. Spoiler (not so spoiler) alert: it’s learned behaviour from unaddressed and unhealed childhood neglect. I also, in the next season, want to do a lot less trauma-dumping and venting, and go more into what I’m doing nowadays to process and heal in a healthy way. What my daily practices are, what they may be, at this time of my life now that I’m in my 30’s, and looking for more ways to help me grow and be a less shitty version of myself so that I don’t project my pain onto others anymore. Do I forgive those who have not even asked for forgiveness? Do I forget what doesn’t serve me anymore? It all ultimately boils down to the question of what it means to be a functioning human being navigating complex interpersonal relationships, trying to participate within acceptable societal norms in modernity. I don’t know. Who actually knows? Who claims to have the right answer? Is there a right or wrong answer? I’ll marinate on those questions as I go along. But for now, here is the last song of the season.

This is Hold My Hand. I wrote it on the 29th of June 2025.

250625 Hold My Hand

Love is everything you think it’s notYou finally figure it out then lose the plotDoesn’t matter, time or placeNothing you can ever do or say toChange the way somebody feels about you ever worksDust yourself off and try again, things could be worseThere’s a roof over my headI’m surrounded by friends

We’re goingNa, na, na na na naJust hold my handNa, na, na na na naJust hold my hand

Every dream you’ve ever had might not come trueAt least the alternative all depends on youI have ruined my imageI was raised by my villageWe’re going

Love is everything you think it’s notYou finally figure it out then lose the plotI have ruined my imageI was raised by my villageWe’re going

Thank you for listening to episode 54, the season one finale of Every Song. I am Cleo the Leo. Until next time.

This is the second to last episode of the first season. The song I’m going to play today is called The Last Melody. I initially thought to play this as the last song of the last episode tomorrow because the title would be fitting, but I decided against it. I didn’t want the season finale to be about romance since the whole second season will be about my relationships anyway. So, for today I will sing the last male-centred song of the first season. Plenty of time for more boy-talk next year.

What I want is to get all the songs that aren’t about or dedicated to my official relationships out of the way now. or at least most of those songs. Think of it as a ceremonial letting-go ritual. I may never sing these songs ever again because I’ve released them out into the world now and they’re no longer just kept inside me or my songbooks. Process complete. Well, to be honest, I can’t wait until I release and let go of all that is carried within songs that are about my previous relationships. Maybe it will help me process them fully and I can just fully focus on moving forward in my life without ever having to worry about keeping resentment inside me or holding unnecessary grudges. I only say unnecessary because I believe that there are some things that are so heinous that resentment and ill-feelings toward them hold validity.

Singing and talking through these songs that, I never realised, are like diary entries since I was a kid, and talking through them and what happened from memory, and looking back at my emotional responses to certain things have served as a reflectionary practice in the last few months. It’s started this awareness triggerpoint in me now that when I do or say or react to certain things which are ruled by my emotions, I stop and go, “Oh wait, is that because this happened when I was younger and therefore now the only way I know how to cope with that is to do XYZ?” Just a bit more self-awareness is probably what I’m trying to say. Wait, can one be too annoyingly self-aware that it cripples onward progress in life? I’ll circle back to that in the future.

But for now, here’s a song about committing to never write about someone ever again. With reasons ranging from wanting to force oneself to just move on and never address it ever again because it was a painful experience to just not wanting to seem creepily obsessed about this one brief teenage connection and now it’s just beginning to become a symptom of loserism and it’s very f*****g embarassing. This does fall under the category of songs about X. After I wrote this song, I realised that I had the power within me to just make myself pretend people never existed, but in order for me to do that I had to unhealthily block out a lot of emotions and put walls up. Which wasn’t always succesfully executed, especially when I found myself in lovergirl mode and I completely devote all my love and life to one guy. This whole experience was probably one of the root causes of me having two hard sides when I deal with romantic discomfort. I’m either a cold hard b***h who doesn’t care about who she hurts or an utter pushover who tends to get controlled by any guy who shows the slightest sign of devotion back to me. I did eventually start growing out of this pendulum after my first relationship had ended. However, it’s still sometimes a hard habit to break especially when you’re out there as an adult in the dating scene and you just have to either toughen up and get your needs met or be vulnerable and risk being taken for granted.

This song is called The Last Melody, written on the 10th of September 2009.

090910 The Last Melody

I will write you a million songsEven if you only choose to listen to oneAnd I will follow wherever you goBut I’m still hoping that someday you will stopAll these words I’m sayingHave all been spoken beforeAnd all these promises I’m makingHave all been broken before|Because it’s been three yearsAnd I’m still right here on the same spot you left meAnd oh, these tears I’ve shedHave done nothing but resurrect the memories

I don’t want to rememberI don’t want to forgetI would like to stand by youAnd see your eyes againBut I should know betterThe heart is pitch blackThis melody I wrote for youWill be the last

I wonder if this scar of mine will ever healIt’s a record of the life that we once hadI should be thankful I even got the chance to love youEven though the opportunity has driven me madIt’s only because you were my firstYou were everything, you were my worldAnd I tried my best to believe youI did all I could to make things workBut it’s been three years and I’m still fighting fearsI still do not have a clueAbout where you are, what you are, who you truly areWe would have never made it this far

Thank you for listening to episode 53 of Every Song. Until next time.

This is a song I wrote to manifest better love in my life. Wait, I hate that word “manifest”. It sounds so woo-woo.

Basically, this is a song I wrote after my horribly horrendous first relationship ended, which went on for 6 or so years. I wrote this as I imagined a new, better love coming into my life. One that won’t betray, deceive, abandon, or harm me in any way. And, lo and behold, the next three relationships I have been in after that first one with Satan himself, have been gorgeously gentle, supportive, mutually nurturing relationships with these great guys.

Writing this song was almost like a promise to myself to only to accept the kind of love and partnership that is focused on healthy companionship and uplifting each other. And that is what my other three relationships after my first one has been like. To my surprise, a constantly tumultuous relationship was NOT the norm and I slowly learnt that it’s not something that should be kept normalised.

Musically, melodically it is inspired by Jessie Ware’s Say You Love Me. Almost like a cover but not really.

This is a song called Dawn is Breaking. I wrote it on the 2nd of January 2018.

180102 Dawn is Breaking

The moon is meltingOver the seaUnder such comedyIs where we’ll meetTime goes slowlyAs lovers loveFinding diamondsIn the rough

Calm and clearlyThe calling will beCrumbling completelyCarelesslyDawn is breakingSo is sheHe was made for herAnd her for he

As the shadowsLay on the groundThere on my skinYou are foundSpirit to spiritSoul to soulI will take theeTo have and to hold

Dawn is breakingSo am ITell me that I’m yoursAnd you are mine

Thank you for listening to episode 51 of Every Song. Until next time.

I am lumping these two songs I’m going to play today because they are ones that were prompted by my mate Peter. Not exactly co-wrote because we didn’t write these songs together. I just got ideas for these songs from a couple of riffs he played to me in passing, and I just kinda wrote around them.

The first one is inspired by Seether’s Disclaimer II album, (for some f*****g reason?)

Oh hey, fun fact. Peter was born on the same day in the same hospital as Fiso. Middlemore Hospital on the 26th of May 1991.

060800 Gasoline

Because I see youYou’re dripping with gasolineAnd I’ll breathe you inIf it means you’ll never leaveBut I can’t love youYou’re something that I haven’t earnedSo, I’ll just seethe you throughNothing else left to learn

So, I’ll hit the road againFarewell to you my good, good, friendShe’ll keep you pretty happy, pretty busyYou don’t know what you mean to me

To be honestBreathing is getting hardThe more you flatter meThe deeper you stab me in the heartI’ll bring your burdens with meAs a memory of what tore us apartAs long as you sleep in peaceI’ll try to make it back to the start

So, I’ll keep me to myselfFarewell to you, this is the endYou’ll stumble and you’ll fallHere I go againAlone

I wrote Gasoline some time in August 2006.

The next one also stems from a guitar riff Peter played me one time. It’s not the exact one I have, but the piece he played was similar and I was able to use that as reference when composing. And the lyrics were generically inspired by some Brooke Fraser songs.

This is Astray, written on the 20th of September 2006.

060920 Astray

Let’s just stay here for a whileCause baby I’m still so deep in denialWhy would somebody with a beautiful soulFeel something for meDon’t matter ‘bout timeWe could stay here foreverDon’t matter ‘bout promises we said we’d keepI don’t know if there is a way of making sureThat you’re not just another dream

Cause I sure am making progress with you by my sideSo many things I must confessDon’t need these wings to flyCause you lift me up and out, awayEvery time I go astray

There’s something I need to stayBefore we’ve got to partAnd it’s that babyYou’ve mended back my heartCause I, I was lost from the startBut then you found meDon’t matter ‘bout lifeI could certainly survive in your armsDon’t matter ‘bout enemies we have to fightWe’re driving down every roadThat points to the path of infinityEternity with you

Thank you for listening to episode 50 of Every Song. Until next time.

This episode is about my late friend, Fiso Tanuvasa. He passed away in 2014.

Fiso and I met when we were 9 years old at St. Joseph’s primary school, Onehunga, 2001. And we were friends right until the end.

I don’t even know what else to say.

This song came about one beautifully, sunny day just two days after he passed away. I was kind of annoyed at the weather for being so nice and inconsiderate while we were mourning a loved one, a friend.

I have actually never sang this song to anyone before. Not in Fiso’s services or any of the events the week of his funeral. Nor have I shared it to our friends or his family. It’s a song I usually just sing at home by myself when I think of him.

This is Shine. I wrote it on the 16th of January 2014.

140116 Shine

Today I wondered why the sky was blueIt’s because of youThe clouds have partedHeaven’s gate is wide openJust to let this new angel in

And I hope you keep the sunshine for us one ore dayJust because saying goodbye to you will bring the rainBut I’m happy now that you’ve escaped the painSo, go on angel, shine away

Tomorrow will you still be in the air?Will you hear my prayer?Cause I feel you in the breezeIn the wind that sways the treesYour spirit’s running free

And I will always wonder what would have beenIf through the battle God had let you winInstead he put your beautiful soul to sleepYou’ve been released

Thank you for listening to episode 49 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here are a couple of songs I wrote on the ukulele when I first got one. I think I got it for Christmas or at least around Christmas of 2009.

The first song for today is one that (I’m pretty sure) is about the guy I talked about on episode 17, the song called Official Lady Friend. Well, this song’s not about him completely, but, as I’ve explained before, these types of situat ional songs for me are usually just inspired by the emotions I felt at that time. I also tend to mix in elements and references from other events or connections that I have similar feelings toward.

This song is called Life is Good, written on December of 2009.

091200 Life is Good

I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself happyBut how could I do that when you’re not here with meAnd no, I don’t believe in destinyBut I have a sinking feeling that we were meant to beThe rain pours down without your touchCan’t you see the sky is crying for the both of usAnd no, I don’t believe this luck of mineNow I can’t imagine my life if our words have never collidedAnd I sing la di da

Oh, life is goodWe’ve got to enjoy it like we shouldBut as soon as you walked out of mineAll I’ll ever done is cry, cry, cryDarling , my life is goodAnd I’d save myself if I couldSo, I should get up off my feetAnd realise that with or without youMy life would still be pretty sweet

Someone once told me, “Good things take time”But now I’ve lost the will to live and gained the skill to rhymeYet again I’m on my ownSo I’ll be messing around since you’re goneMatter of fact I met someone, someone newAnd he’s nothing, nothing at all like youBut that’s my problem right thereNot being with you is my worst nightmareAnd I sing la di da

I wrote the next song just a couple of months after Life is Good. The theme also revolves around the concept of struggling to enjoy life when you feel disappointed by the outcome of some things, especially ones that are dependant on others, friends, family, romantic connections. It’s about feeling guilty for being lost and alone and hopeless when one is supposed to have all the privileges that being placed in a sophisticated, advanced civilisation is supposed to allow.

Here is Heart of Babylon. I wrote it on February of 2010.

100200 Heart of Babylon

There ain’t no need to worryThat, I tell myselfEveryday I’m learningYou can depend on no one elseBecause everybody, everybody changesNo matter how hard they try to stay the sameAnd even I have turned into somebody elseAt least I can admit when i need help

I am lost in this townAnd it’s crumbling downAn SOS, I’m sending outBut in my mind still dwells the doubt thatAn angel will come and speak of loveI am all alone in the heart of Babylon

A heartache’s a heartacheIt hurts all the sameBut I’ve never felt heartbreak beforeUntil you came my wayBecause your kisses they caught me off guardSo, I’ve been acting stupid since we’ve been apartAnd I cannot wait until the day I see your face againJust to show you how much I don’t care

Thank you for listening to episode 48 of Every Song. Until next time.

This is a song I wrote it just a few months ago as a songwriting exercise when I was trying to get myself out of a funk with writing and composition. It wasn’t a complete writer’s block since every now and then I had ideas for lines of lyrics and melodies, but I was finding it a hard time finishing a full song. So, during this month (June 2025) I was trying to discipline myself to write everyday even if it meant I would be singing and writing things that didn’t make sense to anybody else but myself or statements of no consequence or statements of consequence that some people might hear and go, “Yikes, probably shouldn’t say that out loud…” The song is aptly titled Out of Pocket.

Musically, I wanted to get a little silly with the vocals and sing in an operatic tone. I used to do it a lot when I was a kid and being f*****g annoying around the house singing loudly. This was especially around the time I was just discovering the concept of opera singing when I was in primary school and I would just be at home trying to imitate the sound that they make with their voices. Brief sidenote: I planned to play this song for the episode today and funnily enough, Rosalia released her new song Berghain featuring Bjork and Yves Tumor just yesterday, in which she sings in an operatic tone/vocals. So, I feel like I’m aligned this morning or aligned with the universe. Whatever that whole woo-woo concept is.

And for the melody, it is obviously heavily inspired by Kali Uchis’ All I Can Say with the waltz timing and also Lana Del Rey’s Shades of Cool.

Here is Out of Pocket, written on the 16th of June 2025.

250616 Out of Pocket

I’m only just like my motherBecause of learned behaviourOtherwise, we’re not reallyOf the same soul or characterI just realised that I’veOnly had boyfriends with a singularBiological brotherAnd it’s not intentionalMaybe something coincidentalOr nonsensical

It won’t hurtIf I keep some things in my headNot everything, no not everythingNeeds to be saidSometimesIt would be better of leftIn the pocketCause not everything, no not everythingNeeds to be sang

Thank you for listening to episode 47 of Every Song. Until next time.

This is The Boy From Waiuku.

080612 The Boy From Waiuku

Looking in front of the mirrorKnowing that I am aloneToday is just simply clearerNot minding that I’m flying solo

And I want to be freeSo, just leave me beAnd I’m going to let goSo I can rock n roll

But I’m never too happyTo feel like wearing blackSome days i’m just too angryTo feel like turning backI said today I’m just too happyTo feel like being badTomorrow I’ll feel naughtySo you can feel as glad

The first time that I didn’t careAbout the outcome of my spontaneous decisionTo start living my life on the edgeAnd to satisfy my every temptation

Dancing in the corner of the roomWhere nobody can see us twoI fell in love on the dance floorWith the boy from Waiuku

I wrote The Boy From Waiuku on the 12th of June 2008. Evidently, the title doesn’t seem like it has much to do with the body of the song. It’s almost just a couple of lines I threw on the end of the song as I was finishing it. But when I was composing the song, trying to work on the ending, I just kept playing the chords and improved the lines. It kinda just came out and I was like oh s**t oh s**t I better remember that - what did I just sing? The, “I fell in love on the dance floor with the boy from Waiuku”. I liked that line and I didn’t know where that came from.

I guess it’s also a homage to all the times my friends and I would go to Waiuku at Wilson’s place/bach there - all the summers we’d go there.

I didn’t actually plan for there to be a coda. It was just this weird throwaway line I put in there.

The last line refers to this rando (the boy from Waiuku) I met at an after party for our year 12 school ball in 2008 when I was 16. He was a friend (or was it a cousin?) of Dyall’s from Waiuku, and he was only in town that weekend to party with us. For the life of me, I cannot remember his name, only that he was from outta town and since (remember I’ve mentioned this before) I never ever go for any of the boys from my school cause I don’t s**t where I eat, I basically decided that he would be my main entertainment for the night when we were introduced to each other. Oh no, I do remember one more thing about him. His mum was a hairdresser and she used to make him sweep the floors at the salon. I know that because he asked if I had a part-time job, and I was telling him that some days after school and on the weekends, I work as a colour technician at the local hairdressers, Rodney Wayne in Royal Oak Mall. Rodney Wayne’s not there any more, it’s another salon nowadays. But yeah, I do remember laughing about that.

So, Waiuku as in this guy I met at a party and Waiuku also from all the summers we would spend there as kids.

I think (if I remember it correctly) I was already working on the song some days or maybe weeks before actually finishing it. Like I said, this was around the time of our Year 12 school ball and the line, “I’m never too happy to feel like wearing black” is about my ball dress because I chose a cheetah print dress instead of my usual signature colour and the people were shocked. And it’s also a reference to how people always point out the fact that I almost only wear black and I’m just like mm-hmn no s**t Sherlock. They tell me that I only wear black as if I didn’t notice it and pick it out myself.

Another funny yet annoying story from the year 12 ball in 2008 was that the day of the ball, as in the morning of, I woke up with a massive pimple on my nose. No exaggeration. It was like a Disney original TV show where a character inconveniently gets a huge zit on their face on the day of something important happening. I knew that this pimple was going to be photobombing every single photo with me in it that night so I just posed with a peace sign over it for most of the pictures. No seriously.

It turned into a whole thing and all my friends would pose with like peace signs around the pictures so that it’s not so obvious that I keep holding a peace sign over my head even though I look back at the photos now and it’s very obvious. It wasn’t so bad in the end cause it turned a potential confidence-downer into something iconic and memorable.

The next song is about summer flings - well it was supposed to be when I first got the little wind to start writing it … but it is also lowkey inspired by teenage horror TV shows and movies like I Know What You Did Last Summer and Pretty Little Liars.

I wanted to write about the idea of gossip and secrets and how harmful they might be when one is of that age, while also trying to just enjoy one’s youth. This song is called Summer Love. I wrote it on the 23rd of December 2010.

101223 Summer Love

La la la la la la loveSummer love

The sun is rising to another dayWe’re still in bedBut I don’t mind cause I’m in your armsThere’s no where else I’d rather beBut you insistYour batter is chargedWe’ll find something else to do insteadSo, we head down to the beachAnd make sweet love in the sand

He said she saidSomebody’s getting away with murderI said you saidDon’t worry about it we’re innocentThey said that we’re headingDown a rock road it’s roughBut there ain’t nothing wrong withSome good old fashioned summer love

The wind is stillWe feel the thrillOf our hearts beating fastOur skin is burningAs we’re yearningTo feel each other’s touchWhen the moon comes roundIt don’t matterWe’ll light up a fireBy the oceanI’ll have the best viewOf your beautiful eyes

Now I wish I could stop the world from spinningCause I don’t wanna lost this feelingWhen this season endsWill we meet each other againI never said we’d lastNo promises madeNone broken

He said that she saidSomebody’s getting away with murderI said that you saidDon’t worry, just sing it again

Thank you for listening to episode 46 of Every Song. Until next time.

The couple of songs I’m going to play today are both songwriting exercises. Therefore they are not about any one pers on in particular. For the most part, they are thematically inspired by the general emotions I felt during these events, but pulled from interactions with multiple people.

This first song is about the many connections, however short or insignificant, that I was still not over during the time of writing. At that age, because I didn’t have space to explore interpersonal romantic relationships, I didn’t learn how to process emotional pain and discomfort at all. Which resulted in me having very unhealthy attachment issues going forward. Sometimes not being able to let go of something that’s not good for me and sometimes being totally heartless and emotionally detached.

Emotional intelligence was not something that was nurtured or encouraged in my upbrining - only practical survival, financial literacy, and getting by. Which makes sense because how can people who have zero emotional intelligence teach emotional intelligence? They can’t. So, how I processed emotions and navigating relationships was something I had to learn for myself out in the streets and it was a horrible experience; and I wished that I had older people in my life that helped me growing up as a teenager and as a young adult, instead of judging me and only giving me conditional affection and support.

I wrote this song when I was 19 and at the time I didn’t realise how much help, professional or personal support, I actually needed. Reading and singing back the 2nd verse of this song, I didn’t realise that I was actually literally crying out for help and not just rhyming. It’s weird looking back at it now and seeing the signs very clearly. Did I ever ask for help irl? No. But music was the only way I knew how to deal with it.

This song is called Hurting For You Still. Written on the 3rd of March 2011.

110303 Hurting For You Still

Hello there handsomeOh, all these strangers know our story nowFor you are all i ever sing aboutNeedless to say you inspire meCome whatever mayYou are just perfectYou make me feel like I’m so worthlessYou’ve got a new loverShe’s okay, I guessIf you’re into princessesAnd dainty little damsels in distress

What would you sayIf I told you I have missed you all these days?What would you thinkIf I said my love for you still exists?What would you doIf I just ignored you coy and cool?How would you feelIf you knew I’m hurting for you still?

Oh, help me cupidI should let go of him, I’m stupidHe’d never want me like beforeOr lay next to me on the floor againHe doesn’t even remember me anymoreOh Mr. Feel GoodHelp me explain what’s been misunderstoodI didn’t mean to cause commotionThe Doctor of Love won’t give me potions|To help me numb out all emotionsSomebody help me

So maybe I’llSee you again in five years’ timeMaybe by then you’ll have a wifeYou’ll have it goodYou’d live your lifeAnd I would have nothing but these rhymesAlways alone by the end of the nightSomebody help me

The next one is another song that is about the process of missing past romantic connections and being unhealthily attached to them for longer than I should have been because, as a young person, I was not given the emotional and mental toolkit to get through the regular lifecycle of crushes starting, going through it, and ending with broken hearts.

Writing-wise, I had a lot of fun experimenting with this when I was 17 and I still have a lot of fun singing this every now and then. Which is funny because this is supposed to be a sad song.

This is My Baby. I wrote it on the 30th of May 2009.

090530 My Baby

My baby’s got me cryin’Cause she walked out that doorMy baby ain’t my baby anymoreCause she’s got some other girlSee, my baby used to be mineBut she found somebody newWithout my baby I haven’t got a clueNow I’ve got nothin’ left to lose

My baby’s got me feelin’ downShe’s got me feelin’ blueMy baby left me with a frownEvery sign of deceit was the truthSee, my baby said she’d stay with meBut now she’s fading awayWithout my baby I am lost for wordsBut there is still so much left to say

My baby took my appetiteSo, now I feel so hollow insideMy baby took away the lightNow every day’s an endless nightSee, my baby was my whole damn lifeAnd I cannot even put up a fightIf my baby no longer wants meThen I’ll go but one day she will be sorry

My baby hasMy baby and I are doneMy baby left a messAnd I still haven’t moved on to the nextSee, my baby still lives in my dreamsEven though it has been three whole yearsWithout my baby I’m emotionless and hardNow I’m living my life with no sight, no heart

Thank you for listening to episode 44 of Every Song. Until next time.

It’s a beautiful day today here in Melbourne ..

It’s allegedly set to be 30 degrees later in the arvo. That is my jam. I thrive in the heat and shrivel up in the winter. Anything colder than 25 degrees is freeeeezing to me.

So, I’m quite happy about that but it is very much in contrast to this first song I had planned to play today. This one’s a bit of a Debbie Downer about the impact of a neglected relationship. It’s called Zoe, Mona Lisa. I wrote it on the 3rd of October 2005 when I was 14 years old… Jeez I was a sad ass kid.

051003 Zoe, Mona Lisa

Zoe lights a lamp for himGuiding the wayLeaving traces for when he decides to go back homeZoe dances ‘round his armsFeeling ecstasyShe loves him so much and he can’t let go eitherThey deserve each other

Zoe is his Mona LisaHe touches her curves and she smilesThey sway with the rhythmBut they trip on the way to paradise

Zoe has her name on his heartShe carved it on herselfBut if he had a chance would he still hold her tightOr would he let her go as they meltZoe chooses himOut of the million soldiers from the crowdThis queen will never loseTo fight she seems to chooseTo fight for his love

Oh Zoe. oh ZoeOh Zoe, you’re breaking his heartYou’re taking him away from meYou’re taking him away from meDragging him away from meOoh

Oh Zoe, you’re his Mona LisaZoe, he’s touching your curves and you smileYou sway to the rhythm, my rhythmBut you trip on the wayOn the way to paradise

Zoe is the reason he’s goneShe’s got the attention that used to be mineShe blesses his soulShe’s a blessing to himBut to my eyes she’s a devil in disguise

We’re nearing the end of this first season of Every Song and I almost forgot about this next song I wrote that I had in my archives. So, I’m going to play it now. It’s called Not the One, written on the 12th of March 2009.

Oh yes, side note: this is only season 1 and I’ve got a season 2 planned already of Every Song.

090312 Not the One

You’ll say sorry, I’ll probably believe youBut I still won’t careI’ll be waiting, you probably won’t even say itBut I’ll still be here

And every time I speakI’ll be fighting temptationsNot to let your name fall out of my mouthCause ever since I’ve been on my ownI’ve been fighting these battles that I’ve already lost

And I’m on my kneesBegging you pleasePlease wait for meAnd I swear to GodI am notI am not falling in love

Oh I need to take my timeI need to slow it downBefore I lose controlOr I’ll end up breaking both our heartsI won’t have any other choiceOh you’re not the oneI can feel it insideBut you could be the oneTo lead me to the light

We need to come back down from our highWe gotta settle back down into our daily lives

Thank you for listening to episode 43 of Every Song. Until next time.

Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.

Oh my God. I’ve been feeling incredibly run down lately. I’ve gotten sick again. This time between the move plus I got my period at the same bloody time and it’s been rough. I feel like I’ve been sick a lot this year and I only usually get sick like once a year before the Covids must have done a number on me. I think my body, being bogged down with stress, with the move and work and all that, is just like what the f**k is going on and my immune system has just given up on me lately.

So, I’m keeping this episode short and sweet again today with one song only.

This is a song I wrote on the 21st of October 2010. Around this time, in the cusp of the first and second decade of the millennia, there was this strange phenomenon that happened between my girls and I: we were—I think about 3 or 4 of us—randomly dating Mormon dudes. All unrelated; all don’t have any connection each other; from different churches; from different cities (well - as far as we know they don’t knoow each other).

I wrote this song I’m about to play for you all about the Mormon guy I randomly dated in this era. I keep saying random because everytime I look back at it I just wonder what the hell going on? What the hell was in the water at that time. Did all the hot Mormon guys get told by their churches to go out there to date a bunch of unsuspecting Catholic girls in a mission to convert us?

It was a strange experience, to say the least, because from the data that I’ve gathered from my girls that were also dating these random hot Mormon dudes, there was this common issue —and this was not a surprise at all; this is a very common thing that they do and it still happens now— where these guys would all profess their love and infatuation with us, get us all hooked, and then pull away as much as they can and as fast as they can. Classic lovebombing. But back in those days, the term lovebombing wasn’t a thing. I’m glad we have a label for it now actually. Anyway, it was almost like a bait - or a free trial where they say, “Oh, you want this kind of relationship? You’re going to need to convert.” And straight up, f**k that.

This is called A Shot in the Dark.

101021 A Shot in The Dark

It’s all or nothing with himBut I’m choosing nothing to begin withCause I hear nothing lasts foreverI cannot breathe without himI would rather pretendBut it’s up to him so for now we’re just friends

We’re falling oh so fastLetting go of the pastIt’s ecstasy but will this even last?

I’m feeling the adrenaline rushBurning the thickest of my walls to dustBut he won’t let me love himWith all my heartHe won’t let me love himIt’s a shot in the dark

I’m tamed but I’m still wantingEverything from him, we startedOut like we were supposed toA couple of kidsWho don’t know where we’re heading toUp and down and left and right andAll the way back to the corner of my mindThat he occupiedTwenty four seven, three six five

So, when he leaves this townTo spread good news aroundI’ll be waitingCause I know soon he’ll be homeward bound

Thank you for listening to episode 42 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, called Run.

060917 Run

What did I tell you ‘bout it nowDidn’t I tell you to forgetI have every reason to let you goOne thing I do remember nowIs what this b******t’s all aboutI’m all out of reason to let you know

That/Cause I’m running out of timeRunning out in spaceRunning away from youAnd I’m running out of placesTo run around intoI’m running out of things to doI’m just running back to you

What was the last thing that I saidBefore I turned around insteadOf putting back the piecesOf what has shattered into seventyDon’t you remember when I leftDidn’t I leave you in your bedTurn over the pageAnd see what’s left for me

What did you sayWhat did you sayTo make me go awayI can’t rememberThough I can’t forgetThe things you saidTo make me go awayI’m awayI’m away nowI’m away from you

I wrote Run on the 17th of September 2006 as a songwriting exercise.

The other song in this episode I am going to play today is one that is quite special to me. I wrote it when I was 13 and was going through depression. It’s basically me beginning to question what it means to have comfort and be comforted; beginning to question what there is to be scared of in life; and beginning to question what it means to be relieved of suffering.

This is My Angel, written on the 15th of January 2005.

050115 My Angel

You heard me crying overYour sick and stupid liesYou had me losing grip ofMy own broken smileFace death in one whole dayBut don’t leave me here

I’m watching my own angelDescending down on meMy angels lets me knowThat it’s impossible to feelI’m waiting for my angelTo arrive and set me freeMy angel lets me knowThat there is nothing left to fear

My angel only comes down for meRevealing the secrets of my mysterySinging meMy vivid lullaby

Thank you for listening to episode 41 of Every Song. Until next time.

In today’s episode I have a couple of sad songs to play. Boohoo… This first one is called The Remedy, written on the 9th of September 2008.

080909 The Remedy

Have you ever been so unhappyYou’ve felt paralysedHave you ever been so angryThat you could kill the next personTo look you in the eyesWell I’m just the type of girlWho’d walk the talk and contemplateAnd erase memories from my mindTo get you out of my wayAnd I’m okay

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye to youI wish you everything but the bestFor whoever youAre gonna play around with nextThis beaten, broken heart of mineDrowning in defeatOh it’s too hard to find the perfect remedyOh the remedy

Watching everything fade awayLosing interest in livingWatching myself fall everydayI just can’t stand what I’m seeingBaby wishing you were here to hug meA true love’s epitomeHow could I let you push me aroundTwisting, turning, tumblingAnd I’m alright

About a month after writing that, I wrote this next one. Another sad sad sad love song. Just like the songs in the last episode, it’s weird playing one of these songs without playing the other. They are just a pair - they can’t be seperated - they must exist together.

This is You’re Never Coming Back, written on the 15th of October 2008.

081015 You’re Never Coming Back

I’ve had barely any sleepFor the past two yearsBut when I did you were alwaysThe only thing in my dreamsThe memories still lingerLong after you’ve been goneSo the thought of you inspiredThis sweet little songSummer’s just around the corner againSo maybe if I hollerYou would look and swing my way

But I’m not going downI won’t succumb to temptationsI’m trying to move onBut I can’t get rid of this emotions

You’re never coming backSo, why can’t that get through my headI’m growing fonder in your absenceYou’re never coming backBut I’ll be waiting anywayI wish that you would have just stayed

It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your faceI can still remember the last time, the date, the placeNow not a day passes me byWithout you occupying my mindI’d drown in shallow watersIf you hadn’t taught me how to swimHow to swim out of affectionWhen love is bothering meI don’t live a dayWithout, without, without me thinking about you

Thank you for listening to episode 40 of Every Song. Until next time.

In this episode I’m playing three songs that I wrote within just a few days of each other. Similar to last week’s episode 34. And also similarly to another bunch of songs, episode 15, to be precise, I will play these songs back to back.

These three songs just collectively belong together. It feels weird for me to play one of these without playing the others. So, in a way I feel like they were meant to be a medley. Especially because they were all songwriting exercises so I can keep mastering my craft.

The first song is called Desperate, written on the 18th of September 2005. The second is titled Scars are Hard to Find, written on the 23rd of September 2005. And, the last one is called Heart (Missing Your Smile), written on the 26th of September 2005.

050918 Desperate

I’m crying now but you can’t seeI’m falling down on this epiphanyI’m crazy enough to make up storiesHow desperate am I to make you love me

A day, a nightI’ll be holding on to you tightBut soon I’ll be letting goCause soon enough I know you’ll be gone

I adore you but you don’t know I existA single confessionDoesn’t that just meanYou are my obsessionI’m crazy enough to make up storiesHow desperate am I to make you love me

I’m lying, I’m lyingI’m a liarBut I’m dying, I’m dyingYou are my controlI can’t make you love meBut this is the closest placeI’ll get to your soulYou make me feel like fallingLike falling

050923 Scars are Hard to Find

There’s just so much I wanna tell youSo much I wanna shareBut babe the reason that I leftIs because I felt so scared

It’s common with heartbreak(s)But scars are hard to findWe hardly ever talk nowBut still your words sound kind

The tone of your voice is rareI hear you babyBut I just can’t see you anywhereI’ve stood in front of peopleBut never under the spotlightWhy don’t you let me love youFeelin’ out of my mind

And after the sun setsI’ll be missing youAnd when the morning comesI’ll be breaking downBut the minute the dark shows upWill you be here to wish me luckYou have somebody who loves youLoves you as much as I doYou just can’t feed through my sacrificeYou’re my everything babyYou’re my life

050926 Heart (Missing Your Smile)

I’m calling you upBut I know you’re not homeI’m knocking on your doorThough I know you’re not even home

Are you even coming backWill you be here when summer starts

Heart, I’ll be missing your smileHeart, I’ll be missing your smileHeart

I’m driving by our old lovers laneAnd I’m not getting anything off itNo memories, no warm kissesNot even the feeling of itEverything’s faded away

Until the very next dayI’m gonna be, I’m just gonna beI’ll be loving youAnd until the day we meet againI’m gonna be, I’m just gonna beFeeling this burn in my heart

Heart, I’m just missing you badHeart, I’m just missing your smileHeart, I’m just missing you nowHeart, I’m just missing your smile

Thank you for listening to episode 39 of Every Song. I hope you enjoyed that. Until next time.

The songs for today are ones I wrote and dedicated to one day putting money where my mouth is and actually moving! I woke up today in a brand new country. I actually did it.

We flew into Naarm from Tāmaki Makaurau last night to live here somewhat permanently. I actually don’t know how long my boyfriend and I are going to live here for, we just know that we don’t plan on looking back to a life of low wages and no ass job opportunities back there. So, we’ve up and left to seek greener pastures literally anywhere else in the world.

Here’s a song I wrote when I was 15, fantasising about an escape. It is called Distance, written on the 5th of July 2007.

070705 Distance

Distance, here I comeNo matter how far you areI’ll be keeping track of the distance I have goneDistance, expect me soonI’ll be coming after youMaybe it’s not too late before I break down and suffocate

I’m out of place, I’m out of loveDon’t tell me anymore, I’ve had enoughI’d know your face, I’d know your smileSo distance I’m getting in line just for you

Distance save a spaceFor my belongings and myselfI promise I’ll pay you backFor every night and day that I stayDistance, open the door pleaseI know there’s room for insideI didn’t travel this far south for nothingI don’t want to waste my time

Is it wise to run awayThink twice I’ll be okayDistanceI’ll be chasing after youWhile I’m being chased by my bluesDistance

That whole song is still true to its original form. I wrote is as is back then and I’ve never really touched it or amended it - not even much of the vocal melodies.

The other one I wanted to play in this episode is yet another one I wrote during the Covid lockdown, the first wave. This one is more about the kind of place, or world, that I would like to live in, rather than just a literal location or just the vague concept of escape. It’s about what kind of community and social connectivity I would like to see in the future. It’s called That’s Where I Hope To Be, written on the 11th of May 2020.

200511 That’s Where I Hope to Be

Where the desert meets the snowfallWhere wild spirits soar freeWhere light cannot cast shadowsWhere knowledge is a treeWhere woman was not temptedWhere man does as he needsWhere children grow as giantsWhere all love how they please

That’s where I hope to be

Where no agendas hideWhere magic does existWhere life after death welcomesWhere sisterhood persistsWhere water is respectedWhere wine sobers the drunkWhere worship and praise fail to fishWhere mercy lowers guns

Where the dirt electrifiesWhere the sun befriends the seaWhere the wind blows as it wishesThat’s where I’m going to beThat’s where I hope to be

Thank you for listening to episode 38 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song today is called Solution - Conclusions. I wrote this on the 7th of March 2007.

070307 Solution - Conclusions

Once again I failTo hide but you can tellThat I’ve outdone myselfWith bidding you farewellOh sure you want to hearThe reasons why but I fearThat you won’t understandThis isn’t what I planned

Tell me what’s enoughIf it’s enough to love youTell me what it takesFor you to give me a breakTell me what to doWithout making me look like a foolGive me a solutionCome on baby let’s not jump to conclusions

I woke up thinkingI’ve had enough dreamingAbout you and me togetherIn my headIt was mid-November againAnd we were staring at the skiWondering how long we would last

Here’s another one I wrote during Covid lockdown. I’m pretty sure this was during the first wave of lockdowns here in Aotearoa.

It’s quite an introspective, raw, honest song for me. Recall, it was a time when we were just locked up inside the house and it forced me to reflect a little bit about myself. It’s not the most polished song that I have whatsoever, it’s just one that I wrote during a very tender time for me and, I guess, the world.

This song is called Pretty Girl, written on the 21st of May 2020.

200521 Pretty Girl

I get away with a lotBecause I’m a pretty girlAnd I always get thingsI don’t necessarily deserve

But when I was youngI had to learn how to be funnyCause I wasn’t lovedI was an immigrant and chubbyMade the boys laughMade my mama cryI just wanted to fit in

But nowI get away with a lotBecause I’m a pretty girlAnd I always get thingsI don’t necessarily deserveSlowly I’m becomingThe woman I think I’m supposed to beNo longer wanna be a pretty girlWanna be a human first

I stopped eating whenI was 10I wanted to be thinI wanted friendsWho were cool and lived in sinI started to changeJust ignored the painDidn’t know who I became

What a shameSuch a beautiful faceWith an ugly mindWhat a shameSuch a beautiful faceWith an ugly life

Thank you for listening to episode 37 of Every Song. Until next time.

Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behind them.

This first song is one I wrote about the feeling of guilt when you end it with someone, even though you know it was the right thing to do. It’s actually about the same person that the first song in episode 10 was about, Patch Up a Friendship. It’s called Always.

081101 Always

You’re always so reliableAlways so indispensableBut I lost you, yes I didYou’re always right behind meEvery step I take you followBut I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that

I took your love for grantedAll I wanted was to show youThat I liked you, I admit itBut thanks for letting me know

That you’ll always be hereAnd you’re always here to helpAnd you always will careBut I’m not sorry that I ever let you goSo much time on my handsBut not enough of plansI’m not sorry that I ever let you goAlways

You’re always unpredictableAlways so indescribableBut I like you, yes I doYou’re always gonna be the guyI fell for once upon a timeBut I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that

It’s such a shame for us to end this wayBut now I can say I’ll never be the sameWhen all I ever wanted was for you to take it easy with meI never meant for us to partBut loving you was just too damn hardAnd if a heart calls for breakingThen broken it shall beBut if you’re there for the takingThen I’ll just set you free becauseI don’t wanna put you through the agonyOf having to be with meAnd I’m sorry that I took your love for grantedWhen all you ever wanted to showWas that

Always was written on the 1st of November 2008.

The next and last one for today is a POV song I wrote when I was 13. I say POV because you’ll hear in the lyrics it is obviously about expecting a child and I was not a 13-year-old mother. I got inspiration for this song from a temp social studies teacher we had at school - very beautiful, lovely, tall, pregnant woman. I have unfortunately forgotten her name and I no longer have any of my school year books, so I can’t even look her name up. But I remember she always wore a silver fish bone necklace. And if I remember correctly, she may have been blonde or light brunette, maybe. She used to talk to us about how excited she was to have her baby and her man whenever she would see us walking around at lunchtime and after class. It was really cute and I got really inspired by all that.

Anyway, this song is called Let’s Chase Time. I wrote it on the 16th of July 2005.

050726 Let’s Chase Time

Life is coming throughI’ll be spending time with you foreverLet’s chase time once againIt’s everything you do that makes me wonder

You are my songMy musicYou own my soulDon’t lose itI’m trying and it’s hardBut you’re everything I have

Time is running outAnd we’ll be exposed to thoseLittle eyes soonThey’ll be looking upSo we’ve got to act the best we could

You’re everything I haveIt’s all up in my mindWe’ve untied all those things that were up in knotsLet’s chase time once againCause I’m feeling unfairI’m feeling uneasy

Thank you for listening to episode 36 of Every Song. Until next time.

This is a one-song episode. Keeping it short and simple today because I’ve still got so much to do with moving admin and I’m running around like a headless chicken these days.

Here is a song I wrote during the Covid lockdown of August 2020. It’s about (how do I say this without being creepy?) my weird little sexy fantasy about men who have taken religious vows. Priests, I might say.

This song is also imagined within a world of fairy tales, forbidden love, heroes and villains, and the ultimate fantasy of running away together and having that happily ever after.

It’s called Man of the Cloth, written on the 16th of August 2020.

200816 Man of the Cloth

How do I balanceHow do I flyHow do I swim throughThe ocean tidesThe foam on the waves likeBubbles in my bathI be the problemYou do the math

I’m no LolitaNothing older menHas ever had to offerBeen good in the endOnly thing boys canBring to the tableIs the audacityAnd they are enabled

I been the villainAll alongHaving an affair withA man of the clothAnd if we couldWe would goSomewhere only we know

Searching for meaningSearching for lightSearching for rulesI won’t even abide byAnd for all my faultsI blame the starsI am how I amCause of my natal chart

Wishing I could travel backWish more power for my craftWishing wishes were just thatCause my manifestation game is wackBut I know deep down I’m theMost magical b***h I’ve ever seenAnd with him right next to meThere is nothing I cannot be

He’s been the heroAll alongFallen in love withA black swanAnd if we couldWe would goSomewhere only we know

Thank you for listening to episode 35 of Every Song. Until next time.

Welcome, you are listening to Every Song. A series where I play songs I’ve written throughout the years and share the stories behidn them.

I’ve got three songs I want to play today. I wrote them all within a few days of each other at the start of 2007.

Let’s start with this one. It’s called Trust, written on the 1st of January 2007. The first day of the new year.

070101 Trust

Remember yesterday when we thought we were in loveI’m not surprised that we’ve fallen in and out of it so fastI’m not surprised that we’ve fallen so hard from aboveRight now I’m trying so hard to leave you in the pastBut all I end up doing is painting pictures in my headOf where we could be right now, hope this isn’t really the endDon’t just ignore the fences that we need to mendIt’s so sad, so sad, so sad

Oh I secretly still want you aroundBut I’ve pushed you away nowAnd there’s no turning back nowToo bad that we’ve agreed there’d be no second roundBut it’s alrightI think I was right to let you go

Remember yesterday when different paths were calling our nameWe’ve lost our love, now we will lose everything elseI took the right hand turn, while you walked away to the leftIf you think I’ve said too much then imagine what is left unsaid

Trust, trust baby, I need your trustTrust, trust baby, you don’t have mineI’m sorry, sorry baby, I’ve really triedTo trust, trust you but I’m in denialAnd if we don’t have trust then we don’t have anything elseBut since neither of us is losingThen I’m sure we’ll winEach other’sTrust, trust baby, I’m sure in timeWe’ll be trusting each otherYou and I

The songs in this episode fall under the category of ‘Songs about X’. It was just a few weeks after all that ended. Emotions were still a bit raw. Also, it was the school holidays - over Christmas and New Year’s - so, there was plenty of time for me to endulge my emotions.

And I wanted to keep playing with the same chords and structures a bit to master how to write around them. It helped that the same subject encompassed all three songs. It was a good opportunity to master writing around that key and format and emotion for release.

I refer to that in the lyrics in the bridge of this next song. I always have fun singing this one. It’s called Plain and Simple.

070107 Plain and Simple

It’s not that I don’t careIt’s just that it’s not fairThat you’re moving on before meAt least it’s not that much of a messIt’s not that I’m not over youIt’s just that everytime I hear your newsI imagine her in your armsDid I mean so much less

Once I loved youBut now I’m just missing your kisses and the heatI don’t really hate youI just want to know the truthDid you really/even love meAre you getting any sleepI hope you don’t hate me, make me, do me then break meI’m so much wiser now, weaker, harder to getBut now I’ve got a clueAnd I know just what to do with you

Just before you tell herThat you love her more than the worldPlease remember what you told meJust before I left you that dayAnd just before you seal the dealWith her with a kissPlease remember all the promisesWe’ve made and broken again and again

Now I’m running out of creativityEvery single song sounds the sameEvery topic’s just about you and meEvery chord progression that wayI’m screwing up, writer’s blockTrying so damn hard every dayWhen all I really want to say isI want you backPlain and simpleJust like that

Plain and Simple was written on the 7th of January 2007.

And just a few days after that, I wrote this song called The Time to Think. Same same but different.

070110 The Time To Think

I have had the time to thinkSince we’ve been apartAnd maybe you were right to leaveBut baby from the startCupid struck me in the eyeAnd blinded me for lifeThough I’d always known I’d see the dayThat you and I would say goodbye

And I should have listened to my brotherWhen he saidDon’t go for it if it’s not foreverAnd I should have obeyed my mother and fatherTo never fall in love with a stranger

Now I’m too hurtIt’s a bullet to the brainI’m scarred for lifeAnd I cannot pretendI’ve lost the will to liveWithout you even as a friendI don’t ever wanna see youCause I know I’ll fall in love again

Now I understand if you don’t wannaTalk to me anymore babeI mean, I practically slammed the doorRight in your faceAnd I know how much you hate to show the painBut just for once could you let me knowIf you care

Thank you for listening to episode 34 of Every Song. Until next time.

Now, I am about 2 weeks or so behind on my scheduled posting because it’s been hectic planning moving overseas, getting our affairs in order and such as. But I managed to find some time this afternoon after work and now I’m recording this episode.

For today, I’m only going to be playing one song I wrote in 2009 when I was 17. This song is about one of the core girl experiences which is… being so taken by a guy who’s a bit younger than you! Well, only 2 years younger but listen, I know you all know that when you’re still in high school being a 17-year-old senior girl suddenly hanging out during lunchtime and after school with a 15-year-old guy in your younger sister’s class was scandalous.

The lyrics in this song are pretty straight forward and tells the story about how this guy basically charmed me and got me. I remember Valentine’s Day of 2009, he got me a rose - and not just any rose. See, this boy knew I like flowers but that I wasn’t too fond of anything too colourful, so he got a single plastic rose and then coloured each of the petals in with black marker. There was only one petal that wasn’t fully coloured in because the marker was running out of ink, he said, and so he just drew a little Metallica star on it. (We were both Metallica fans). And to this day, it has been one of the funniest and cutest things a guy has ever gifted me on Valentine’s Day. I don’t much remember any other Valentine’s gifts I’ve received, even from long-term boyfriends in my adulthood, but that, I remember because of the thoughtfulness and the bit of effort. We actually also had matching friendship rings too. He is who I wrote, Promise, the second song in episode two about.

Plot twist (not really) after a couple of weeks or so he one day dumped me to go pursue things with another girl. It was one of the girls in his friendgroup. She used to go to our school but she dropped out. Also a childhood friend of my little sister. I do really like this girl, she’s quite nice and I still only have nice things to say about her. However, that whole thing was pretty hurtful. I moved on pretty quickly because I could not be mad at them. They were still little cuties. Some time passes and they didn’t even last long. We all remained friendly and cordial in the next couple of years. Happily ever after type s**t where everyone just kinda gets on with life as it is.

This song is called House of Heartache. I wrote it on the 14th of April 2009.

Also, a quick reminder, that the names in my songs are never real names. They are usually pseudonyms that just rhyme. Otherwise, a name that is relevant to the situation.

090414 House of Heartache

Constantine was just fifteenWhen he got a hold of meI know right now he’s just fineBut I still wish he could be mineNow I’m standing at his doorAnxious, looking at the floorWhat the hell am I here forBurnt and blackened to the coreI used to love you before

And I am just a drama queenAlways making a big sceneEverybody looks at meBut nothing’s ever as it seemsSo I’ll be starting up a riotWhile the town is still quietNoone’s ever gonna buy itBut my heart, I cannot deny itMy heart loved you and you dropped it

Everything’s the matterDelicate and tenderBut I will not surrenderIn this house of heartacheI shall lay and ponderReminisce and wonderI’d rather not rememberThe house of heartache

Light Connie has grown upAnd all those scars, oh they’re enoughTo put my mind and soul at easeI’ll wait ‘til May the fourth at the leastI can be as difficultI can turn away againHe can cry to his best friendTammy’s just too f*****g perfectTammy’s in war but she’s clueless

So I’m giving upBut I’ll keep the ringI’ll wear it ‘til I’m in my graveAnd speaking of the devilShe can burn in heavenSeven days, eleven nightsI’ve broken down and criedI wish you could seeJust how much you meant to meMy heart loved you and you dropped it

Thank you for listening to episode 33 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here’s a song I wrote when I was 13 called Take Me Away.

040900 Take Me Away

It’s funny how we should find ourselvesStill tied up in sorrowWhen we could dry our tearsAnd stand while we wait for tomorrow, ohYou’ve got the best of me

Take me away, take me awayTo a place I’ve never been beforeDrive me away, drive me awayTo a place where I can find a cureThere’s no use in going back thereWhere people wouldn’t even careSo, take me away, take me away

It’s funny how all there’s left to do nowIs to laughBut when we doIt’s like I never seem to get enoughCause you’ve got the best of me

Take me to a place that you call homeFace death and sorrow all aloneEyes blood redWings are tornAs we mourn

Take Me Away was written some time in September 2005.

I wrote it by taking from pop songs I was listening to at that time - just writing what I thought that kind of music was supposed to sound like from what I’ve heard and exercising those writing muscles little by little from when I was little.

The next one today is a song that has a bit of a controversial story.

This one is about a boy that I fought over (for?) with one of my best friends (for?). Lessons were learnt from that time of my life. My friend, Elizabeth Wilson (but we called her Wilson because there were many Elizabeths at our school and because she was tomboy-ish so ‘Wilson’ just fit better). Anyway, she had a crush on this guy. However, at the same time, she was also in the midst of something with another guy - or maybe it was two other guys. I can’t remember exactly. Admittedly, I made the mistake of getting closer to the first guy she had a crush on and he decided that he wanted to pursue me instead. We spent some time together and all that. Naturally, that damaged my friendship with Wilson during that time. It got weird. I felt a little guilty but not so much because I just kept justifying it with the fact that she was already entertaining other gusys. She wasn’t very happy with it and wanted to steal this person back. She succeeded. I was left. And angry. That was a sick turn of events.

I don’t remember exactly what had happened after all that (because it was so long ago), but Wilson and I repaired our friendship. She didn’t go out with the guy for much longer - maybe just like a few weeks or something. But I’m really glad that we worked things out between us after that because we had a really beautiful friendship in the years following. She got herself a boyfriend not long later. Well, actually, the thing about her is that a lot of the boys were after her, so she never ever had a hard time finding another guy to entertain anyway. She always had back-to-back boyfriends. Which I always thought was charming about her, and I thought it was also pretty cool since I was just out there in my teenage years not allowed to have a boyfriend.

Anyway, after all of that, her and I have never ever fought over a guy again in the years following our friendship. What I loved about her and how we handled that was that the whole thing was something we often looked back on and laughed at. It never affected how we treated each other in the future, especially when she got new boyfriends. In fact, she always made an effort to make sure that her boyfriends would be able to hang out with us and always included him in whatever we were doing. There was no insecurity around all of that anymore because we really just learnt our lesson the f*****g hard way.

I’m still working on how to articulate those lessons in words though — especially when that test came up again in my life as an adult. One day, after I’ve processed everything, maybe I’ll be able to get into it better. But for now, here is a song called The Only One. I wrote this on the 21st of February 2008.

080221 The Only One

You’re the only one worth staying forAre you listening to this songIt’s all for youAnd everything I doIt’s all for youAre you telling me the truthWhen you say you want me tooOh everything I doIt’s all for you

Ain’t it funny how we always find the right words to sayWhen we’re together all I feel is you and nobody elseI was ready to completely walk out that doorWhen I found youYou’re the only one worth staying for

Are you sure you wanna walk my wayIt’s a little roughI give you all I haveI hope it’s enoughAre you sure you’re here to stayStay here with meDon’t you move, yeahEverything I doI am all for you

So I’m singing this melodySimple, innocent and sweetMe and you and you and meSounds so good, it sounds completeSo I’m thinking about you tonightYou’re the star above so brightWhen I’m with you no end is nighBaby set our souls on fire

Thank you for listening to episode 32 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here’s a song I wrote in my sleep, literally. It’s called Dammit Joanna, written on the 21st of June 2020.

200621 Dammit Joanna

Dammit JoannaYour words are like starsFloating in galaxiesLight years afarAnd if he ever listened enoughHe would crumble in tearsRight into your arms

War is good businessInvest your sons in itPoor or wealthyShe will take from them the spirit

Into the arms of a womanInto the arms of their mothersInto the arms of their loversNever the arms of employersTo them who worship gaveWorship is given backTenfoldThe girl is theirs to hold

The melody and lyrics to Dammit Joanna came to me in my sleep. I had a dream that I was singing the chorus:

Dammit Joanna your words are like starsFloating in galaxies, light years afarAnd if he ever listened enough (and learned?)He would crumble in tears right into your arms

Like the whole chorus was in my sleep I don’t remember the context of my dream, just that I was singing that song. So, I don’t even know if this song exists out there but I heard it in my sleep.I woke up groggily, reached for my phone, and just quickly recorded me singing it half asleep on a voice note, so that I can remember it at a later time, then I just went back to sleep. Actually, here’s the original half-asleep voice note.

That’s all I had of it at that time, when I woke up. Then I wrote the rest later that evening, I believe.

I think the reason why the name Joanna was marinating in my head that night was because I might have re-watched Gaga: Five Foot Two that day or maybe a couple days before that. And I’m pretty sure I was also re-listening to the Joanne album that week. Just generally re-visiting Lady Gaga’s whole Joanne country era those few days before I wrote that.

Okay, the next song today is one that I thought to add to the repertoire last episode because it kind of has something to do with my time at MAINZ - but it wasn’t really a song I wrote during my time of being a student there. So, I waited to add it along to this episode instead.

This song is rooted in the feeling you get when you think of someone you used to know and wonder what ever happened to them. The subject in this song is not at all somebody I had a connection with or had anything to do with romantically, for that matter. I need to just puut that out there as a disclaimer. I did not touch this man, okay? It was just inspired by someone that was in my class at that time who was a person that all the girls thought was very good looking. He wasn’t at all for me, because like I mentioned in the previous episode, I was already in a relationship at that time and also, he was not really my type. But this song is written from the point of view of someone who might have had a little crush on him at the time and is now thinking about the shoulda woulda couldas. Should I name names? No. Maybe not. But once I mention these descriptive elements of his, anyone who went to MAINZ then will know who I am talking about. It’s not a name I mentioned in the last episode because I actually forgot his name! I would have mentioned it if I remembered the name. It took me a few days and some wracking of my brain and looking at some photos to even remember what the hell his name was. I do remember it now BUT I’m still not going to say it. Okay so, this guy was this typical run-of-the-mill good looking white surfer guy; very shy and soft-spoken; listened to a lot of Bob Dylan; singer-songwriter type, played the guitar, the harmonica, and he sang. You get the gist. You get the character. The girls used to say he looked like a Hemsworth brother. I don’t know what he looks like now but back then… Yeah, I can admit that he did. Again, I had nothing to do with this guy. We were never even put in a band together for an assessment, but he was always cordial and civil with his interactions with me. Anyway, this is the song I wrote from the imagination of the point of view of someone who might have still felt a little something for him some few years later. If you are the guy this song is about, you’re listening to this right now, thinking what the fucky? Hello, hope you’re well, man. This is a song for you. I’ve titled it Hope. I wrote it on the 12th of May 2017.

170512 Hope

Don’t know why I’m thinking about you tonightYou’ve got a life of your ownYou’ve probably forgotten me and what I was likeMight not be a bad thing at allCause I hope you never believed the rumours you heard about meHope that’s not the reason why we never spokeI’m hoping that this song will catch you at the right time and the right placeAnd you remember my face

I put on Bob Dylan records to satisfyThis craving I have for you right nowThunder passes through my fingertips as I writeAbout the fact I’ve never seen you frownI hope I bump into you and ask you how you beenHope you smile and tell me bout the last few yearsHope you’re even curious to ask me tooAnd that I’d be brave enough to sayHey, I’ve b been dreaming about you

Bet you thought I came on too strongAnd that I was annoying and laughed too loudBut I was enthralledBy the way you shook about the stage and played your guitarYou were so shy then, wonder how your stage fright’s doing

I fantasise about sitting with you by the oceanHair of salt and pepper black sandYou dig your elbows in the ground while you lean inFor a kiss as you touch my handOh I hope that things like such will get the chance to beHope you’ll finally notice meBut hoping won’t miraculously bring you closeSo I just hope that one day you’ll call me home

Thank you for listening to episode 31 of Every Song. Until next time.

Got another special one going on today. In this episoide I am going to be sharing some songs I wrote during my time at music school, some written with others in a band and some written for my solo assignments.

So, let’s time travel again. Back 12 years ago. I can’t believe it’s been over a decade.

In 2013, I enrolled at MAINZ, Music and Audio Institue of NZ, for a Certificate in Contemporary Music Performance. It was only a one-year course but that whole year was incredibly valuable and helped me grow creatively as a performer and musician. MAINZ was where myself as Cleo the Leo manifested.

I knew that from day one there I needed to start using the stage name that my friends and I had conceptualised for me one drunken night out (I think it was a few months before this) — which was Cleo the Leo. And since then, for the past decade or so now, I have always gone under the pseudonym Cleo when I do anything with music.

Another massive takeaway from studying at MAINZ was that I met a lot of awesome musicians from that time and made great friendships. Let’s see if I can remember most of them… There was Brian, a punk/hardcore bassist, whom i mentioned in episode 14; Mose, another bassist; Adam Major, a rock guitarist (I just always have to say his full name cause his name actually sounds like a stage name in itself); Fili, a metal pianist who is in a band called Shepherd’s Reign - side note: from Fili, I met his friend and guitarist/pianist from that band named Oliver, who I went on tour with in China a couple years later, playing music. Anyway, who else did we have in that class? Trey, an RnB guitarist and vocalist; Rama, a psychedelic rock guitarist; Alex, a reggae drummer; Sione, Josh and Tangoake, who were also drummers. Akshay, who was an incredible male vocalist and a diva in his own right; Missy, a young singer-songwriter (actually, at the time, when we started the course, she was only 16 or 17 I think - so she was basically the baby of the class); Danielle, who was a gospel/Hillsong type singer-songwriter as well. Daniel, who was an rnb/K-pop type vocalist and pianist; and there was a guitarist named Richard too. There are a hand-full of other people in the class but for the most part, those are the people with whom I made memorable working relationships with during my time at MAINZ.

[Video below: us waiting for a class to start]

Well, actually, I also made friends with musicians from other classes that I got to know and work with too, one of them being a bassist from another cohort named Drew, with whom I bonded with because we were both girls with boy names: Drew and Oliver. Also, I guess I could count Fili’s Oliver even though he didn’t go to MAINZ, he was just in the outer circle of musicians in the city. And Ema, who was from another class (it might have been the same class as Drew) — she’s still an active musician and creative in the local community now.

There were just so many interesting people around at that time and honestly, I’ve always thought that our class and other people in MAINZ, including the teachers there who had backgrounds in the music industry, would have made great inspiration for a show or a movie because there were some very colourful (might be the word) characters enrolled, as well as their wider networks. Since MAINZ wasn’t a big institution, most people knew each other and there are people who really stood out. I’ll get into the people more as I go along in this episode.

Okay, but getting into the actual work we did there. Let’s start with how our course in Contemporary Music Performance was structured. The year was split into terms in which a genre would be the focus. So, how it would work would be that in a term we would focus on the blues genre, for example. In the main performance assessment we would get put into bands, and in that band/assessment we would have a few weeks to prepare for a showcase where we would play 3 covers plus one original song in that genre to show that we have a general grasp of the techniques used in that style of music, not only in knowing how to play along to an existing song, but in also composing in that style. So, 4 songs to perform all up every term showcase.

[Video below: Our blues genre live performance assessment - Etta James’ The Blues is My Business]

This is alongside other classes we had to take in sound, theory, production, etc. But the biggest chunk of it would be this live performance assessment. From what I can remember, the genres we had for our assessments were blues, pop, reggae, rock, hip-hop, homegrown — which is local New Zealand music styles and history. Our class was made up of a good amount of drummers, bassists, guitarists, keyboardists, and vocalists. Enough for us to be mixed around in the bands for different genres and have a chance to work with each other every term.

In this episode, I’m going to be playing short clips of some of the original songs I wrote or co-wrote for these assessments. We were able to get some in video recording, and some I had to recreate a version of on Garageband just in the last week — which won’t be the full experience of it but it’s at least the gist of whatever it was.

This first one that I’ll share here is a little bit of an original song I wrote for our reggae assessment. It’s called What’s Your Flavour, written on the 16th of October 2013. In the band we had, Josh on drums, Richard on guitar, Mose on bass, myself on vocals and guitar, Missy on vocals and guitar as well, and Andrea on vocals and keys.

Again, these clips won’t be the full performances, just cuts of it. But the full lyrics are up on my Substack blog so you can still get a feel of the whole song if you wanted to.

131016 What’s Your Flavour?

When I was a young girlI went down to the candy storeOverwhelmed with the choicesWhen I thought I was so sure

Tell me what’s your flavourSpicy or sourBut this love is bitter-sweetI done went in with sticky fingersNow the taste on my tongue, it still lingersSo tell me wha’t you flavour

Belly full of butterfliesAnd my lips are stained with your sweet liesYou’re a treatWith a centre surpriseMy eyes are bigger than my appetite

Tell me what’s your flavourIt’s you that’ I’m craving’Your loving I will savourFor yearsI done went in with sticky fingersNow the taste on my tongue, it still lingersSo tell me wha’t you flavour

Tell me what’s your flavourShake that salt and pepperNow give mama some sugarPleaseI done went in with sticky fingersNow the taste on my tongue, it still lingersSo tell me wha’t you flavour

I mentioned earlier that one of the other classes we had to take during the course was music production. In this class, we would learn how to create songs with different production softwares, mostly Logic and a little bit on Ableton. We would learn basic techniques on mixing, like panning and automation, learn how to use plug-ins and that kinda stuff.

Here’s the first song I got to make on Logic Pro X just after learning how to use it. This was from our first composition assignment, if I recall correctly. And you know when you just learn a brand new word and you try to use that word in every conversation you have? Yeah, this assignment felt like that for me. I just learnt how to do all these things on my own and I used every effect under the sun on Logic that they taught us. You’ll hear it in a sec.

This song is called The Haunting, written on the 17th of October 2013.

131017 The Haunting

Threw myself in a black carTo clear my headAnd to the river, I was ledBy a woman in whiteShe whisperedFollow meNo longer was I blindI see her shape in the breeze

She tells me to slashShe tells me to jumpShe tells me to go down, downI’m hauntedShe stalks me in my sleepI’m hauntedShe lingers in my dreamsThe haunting

Found myself on the edge ofA mountain topWhat I need now is a slight shoveTo end it allShe can help, she can bring meTo the other sideShe can call on the wind toTeach me how to fly

She tells me to slashShe tells me to jumpShe tells me to go down, downShe tells me to hangShe tells me to shootShe tells me to swallow, lowI’m hauntedShe stalks me in my sleepI’m hauntedShe lingers in my dreamsThe haunting

With these production assignments, after some weeks of working on them, what we would do is present them to the class and explain the effects and techniques we used, why we used them, and we can also talk about the music itself if we wanted to be able to justify the use of techniques more. For example, with mine, because the song was written at a time when I was struggling with my mental health, there are a lot of elements in the song that allude to my suicidal tendencies at that time. The lyrical technique, for one, talks about a woman that haunts me and the voices that tells me to off myself. Plus I use things like phasing and panning techniques from the left to right ear, as well as echoes from the multiple vocal stacks to make it sound very busy, as it was in my head at the time. It’s meant to sound very full and somewhat chaotic and haunting

So, that is an example of the more technical assignments we would have. But back to the live performance assessments…

Aside from the main live performance assessment of being put into bands and focusing on genres, we also had to be assessed for our chosen solo instrument that we were admitted into the course for. So, if you auditioned and got admitted for being a bassist, for example, you would have to do your solo performance assessments playing a bass piece. I just used that example of bass because the most memorable one for me from class was Mose playing Stevie Wonder’s Master Blaster for his presentation. I just remembered being wowed and I knew from that point I wanted to be in this dude’s bands for assessments, because he was a kinda new since he joined a little bit later into the course; and I knew that I would be asking him to play bass for some of my gigs in the future.

Anyway, we would do these mini-showcases in class — I think we did this once or maybe twice. I can’t remember, but I’ve only got the recording to one of my solo performance assessments.

For vocalists, we were able to choose between two types of vocal solo majors: singer-songwriter or just singer. I, of course, chose the singer-songwriter route. Singer-songwriters have to write and perform songs that we would compose and work on with our tutors throughout the terms, and singers just have to sing a cover.

Here is a song I wrote for my solo instrument assessment. I wrote this on the 27th of December 2013 about how I would escape into my hobbies, interests, and vices, away from the very tumultuous occurances of the relationship I was in at the time. Every time I play this these days, I always wonder how and why I really gaslit myself into thinking I wanted to be with person if this is what he had me feeling and expressing into songs. I stayed with the dude for like 5 to 6 years. Long story. I’ll save it for another time because it’s a lot. I am only going to play a little bit of this one too, especially because I want to record this seperately.

This is The Art of Escapism.

131227 The Art of Escapism

I live in a novel, in a fantasy worldWhere good defeats evil and the witches get burntI live in motion picturesIn the black and white screensWhere Mr. Kelly tapped awayCause he found love by the sea (by the sea)

I pluck all the memories of us from my mindBecause as long as they’re thereI’ll always be suicidalAnd then I retrace my steps back to a timeWhen I didn’t know sorrowAnd jealousy wasn’t a crime

It’s the art of escapismIn the middle of your prismI’m doing time in your prisonBack to the future, past and presentI’m lost in your labyrinthTryna find a way out of your mazeI’m tryna bypass all of the madnessIt’s the art of escapism in the dark

Oh I live in a bottleA state of mind in liquid formWhere emotions are heightenedAnd inhibitions get torn

I live in a melodyA couple minutes, petty rhymeWhere impatience is anacrusesPre-mature but still in time

I broke away cause you broke my heartBut it’s not that easy cause you left a markNow on a new voyage I will embarkI’m following the stars

This next one is another live performance assessment with our bands. I think the genre for this one was supposed to be homegrown. It’s getting harder and harder for me to remember these things since it’s been over a decade. But for this genre assessment, we also had to get in the studio with the audio class to record the original song we wrote for it (cause remember the assessment would be a few covers and one original composition). So, I guess it was a joint assessment for both classes.

In this band we had myself on vocals, rhythm guitar and keys, Brian on the bass, Alex on the drums, Daniel on vocals and keys, Trey on lead guitar, and I think Mose was featured on this specific song as a rhythm guitarist. I actually don’t know cause I’m looking at the photos from the studio now, and I don’t know why Mose’s there since Brian was our bassist, and not him. Maybe it’s the other way around — no, I’m sure it was Brian. Maybe he’s just hanging around at the studio with us.

For this song, Brian (I’m pretty sure) initially played us a bass riff when we were in rehearsals brainstorming a new song. From his bass riff, I just basically said, “Yeah, cool, I’ll write some lyrics around that”. And the rest of the band got into musically arranging it. Brian laid us down a reggae-style bass line, which was helpful because the drummer we got for that assessment was a reggae drummer, Alex, and we just kinda let him have most of the say on the musical arrangement. I just did the lyrics.

Unfortunately, I have lost the copy of the audio we recorded at the studio, nor do I have a video of the live performance of this assessment. But here’s a short snipet of us at the studio recording it and you can kinda hear the original version at the back.

I took those little videos on my phone to post on my Instagram at the time. And that’s all I have of it.

However, to be able to share it today, I did try to remake it real quick last week on Garageband. It’s something but obviously it won’t have Brian’s exact bass line and Alex’s drums or have the same exact musical stylings - but it’s the general idea of the song.

This is a song titled Sleep, written on the 20th of January 2014.

140120 Sleep

Hush now darlingMelt away into another worldBut crush the feelingYou’ve yet to make your slumber well deserved

(But) my eyes are getting heavyThe room is spinningThis headache is deadlyThis headache is deadlyI’m falling in too deepWhat can I do to keep from counting sheepKeep from counting sheepI just wanna sleep

Brush the lightingThe darkness will consume you soonSo, rush the writingThe calm will comeRight after the typhoon

I wrote the lyrics to Sleep about being students deprived of sleep at the time. We were all always so tired. Most of us worked part-time and had other commitments, so rest was near the bottom of our priority list. You know what, I’m gonna be honest. A lot of the times that we were sleep deprived was just because we would be up drinking and partying. Our class had grown quite close to each other and we’d hang out a lot. We all got along relatively well. Some more than others, some less.

A big component of our bond was the pub across the street from MAINZ called Empire Tavern, where we would go inbetween classes for lunch and a drink, then go to our next class kinda drunk.

And then we would go back there after the day’s done and drink some more. In the following years after this, I actually had an interesting story and tie with Empire — which I will divulge in another episode.

Anyway, we also had another area we would drink at when we can’t afford individual drinks at Empire. It was kinda at the back entrance of the MAINZ building, I think it was the ground level parking for some police office. We called it the G-spot. It’s where we’d go if we just wanted to get a box from the liquor store and drink and smoke not within the walls of an establishment.

Or we’d go to Victoria Park down the road and loiter around there if the G-Spot was lookin’ a little too sus with cops.

Outside the city though, we would have drinks at Richard’s, Akshay’s or Missy’s or Adam’s place sometimes.

The point is that, we actually liked spending time with each other outside of class and our academic obligations, and hang out and stay up, losing sleep with each other.

[Video below: Our class handshake]

So anyway, I remember writing Sleep the night after the band had just finished arranging the music, and I was in bed, so f*****g tired, desperately trying to stay awake, but I kept half falling asleep. I was writing lyrics to it on the notes app on my phone, while I was laying down with my headphones on listening to the backing demo. I managed to finish writing the song that night though - I think I must have stayed up til 2am or something. I got to rehearsals the next day and I was like, “Okay boys I’ve got it. I’ve got it!” And that’s what we went with.

Okay, the next one I’m going to share is another technical assignment for a Logic Pro X production we had to present in class.

Because the first one I did was so serious and depressing, I thought that for this one I would write a fun, corny kitchy, more girly song about being unapologetically femme and hot and vampy. Yeah, that’s really all there is to say about this song.

It is called Vamp City, written on the 22nd of February 2014.

140222 Vamp City

Were you born? Were yyou bitten?

It doesn’t even matterRouge on my lips since I’ve been in the wombAnd I’ll keep painting it on ‘til I live in the tombRockin’ every day since I’ve been in the cradleAnd I’ll be keeping at it ‘til I rollover in my grave

Look me upI’m a billion-dollar enterpriseLook me upBaby I’m on 25 to life in

Vamp CityPure and filthyStruttin’ her stuffLookin’ model skinnyOh-so-prettyVamp CityCombat pixieWe’re the black armyOf Vamp City

Blue as above, they’re completely smittenAnd it doesn’t even matter whether you’re born or your bittenThe dock of the bay’s unloading more debutantsAnd this time around they’ve brought women from Mars

The wicked is at restSo, we bring out the bestDressed to expressedSo, go onBe our guest

The last few songs for today are from our original music live performance assessment. For this assessment, because it was nearing the end of the course, we were put into bands that we had to write original songs for - no covers this time. I think it was meant to be 4 original songs but I don’t know why I only have 3 - maybe, if I recall correctly, I only wrote 3 of them and the other one was just written by the boys. That’s the only logical reason, I can think of as to why I would not have it archived personally.

For this assessment, we were put in a very similar band from last time, Alex on drums, Trey on lead guitar, myself on rhythm ukulele and vocals, Daniel on vocals and keys, and Mose on the bass. Also, for a couple of the songs we asked two of our other mates in the class to jump in on them to help out, Sione and Fili.

The first 2 will be video snippets of the live performances from that assessment showcase and the other one I wrote for it, I don’t have a recording of. So, I’ll play it instead because I do not have the capacity to recreate the whole piece on Garageband, like I did with Sleep. And because we had a male vocalist too on the band, Daniel. It might have been a little tricky to record things on a male key for me. Also, for Lion’s Den we had Sione jump in on the keys and backing vocals for a bit of help, but his main instrument is drums and he played drums for his assessment on the other band that he was in. When we get our friends to jump in on some songs with our assessments, they don’t get assessed for that. So, the teachers just have to not take that into acount and then they get assessed solely for their instrument in their assigned band.

Alright, some context: in this assessment, the band we were in, most of us had a past history with religion and gospel music. So, for the songs I wrote, they were all somewhat religiously coded, but not religious at all - just the play on words and the lyrical techniques I used. The song titles of the songs I wrote for the band were Lion’s Den, Walls of Jericho, and Song of Songs. I do not remember the other song we did (cause I didn’t write it).

Lion’s Den takes from the story of Daniel in the lion’s den from the bible. It was also some kind of inside joke we had because the male vocalists’ name was Daniel and I thought it would be a little clever and funny. I wrote this song to tell a story about a guy who’s fed up with being a sugar daddy. And the words “Daniel in the lion’s den” is a metaphor for a normal man who is enamoured with a woman with high expectations and he quickly finds himself in the realm of transactional romantic relationships and the world luxury that he’s having to finance. I arranged it to have the male vocalist singing the verses from his point of view and then the chorus with the female vocals (me), as a “she said—“, type back and forth.

Here is a bit of Lion’s Den, written on the 21st of February 2014.

You know what, in the next couple of videos, you can see Brian on the side, in the crowd and he’s not even paying attention. I think he’s on his phone or some s**t but he’s nodding along. Yeah, I just thought it was funny watching these.

140221 Lion’s Den

Daniel, Daniel in the Lion’s DenDaniel, Daniel in the Lion’s Den

She’s my lady, she’s my full-time loverAnd I hold her above all the othersWhen she speaks to me, my ears, they bubbleAnd when she lays, the world’s at any

But she pushes, shoves and knocks me off my feetEveryday she asks for flowers and chocolatesShe’s spending every dollar out of my pocketAnd when I pay she’s as bright as a summer’s day

And I sayWhy you gotta do this to me girl?This ain’t the money that you worked for and earnedBut she says

Boy I love you to the moon and backBut somebody has got to pick up my slackAnd if you can’t handle it there are other menWho’d gladly sleep and spendIn the lion’s den

We spent the weekend at an African safariAnd the next day she asked for a new FerrariShe’s drinking champaign and ordering calamariThis ball and chain, is it all in vain?

The other song from this assessment is Walls of Jericho. Because I wrote the other one to have male vocals predominantly, I made this one more female vocals — so that I can be assessed .

I wrote this about the frustration one has with someone who is very stuborn, and the title concept is taken from the saying, “It’s like talking to a brick wall”. Hence, the Walls of Jericho reference from the bible.

This is a little bit of Walls of Jericho, written on the 4th of March 2014.

140304 Walls of Jericho

Ashes to ashes, dust to dustYou’re just a fool who’s fallen in lustHave your ears turned orange with rust?Cause all I see is a challenge unjust

Set myself up for a lossIt’s like I’m talking to a wall

Why don’t we break down the pieces to exploreEvery mistake that has made us stop and stallIt’s time to awake and face the music you’ve ignoredI’m talking to a wallThe walls of Jericho

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delightCause the sun will still rise though I have criedYour ears they filter words I reciteGold, bronze or silver to you they’re all whiteWhite noise

I’m hanging a scarlet ropeOver my windowIt’s time to blow the hornAnd bring you to attentionWhy won’t you just listenYou’ll learn a few lessonsYou’re in another dimensionIt’s time for divine intervention

You can see from the video, for that song, we got Fili to jump in on the keys. I remember, Fili and I were never put in a band together at all that whole year. And every term when the teachers would release the band list we would cross our fingers and hope that we would finally get to work with each other but they never put us together! I don’t know why. They probably knew we’d be OP if we were in a band aye. Just kidding. But yeah, that sucked, but that’s why, he and I got each other to feature in some of the songs for our assessments.

For the rock genre assessment, for example, he got me to sing the Nightwish version of the Phantom of the Opera with Akshay as the male vocalist for his band. His band went with a metal vibe for their rock genre assessment, while my band for that assessment, went for more of a psychedelic rock-60’s/70’s-Woodstock vibe because our guitarist Rama’s style leaned toward that more.

Actually, here’s a bit of our cover of Jefferson Airplane’s 1967 Somebody to Love, with Danielle on vocals, Tangoake on drums, and Mose on the bass - oh and me on rhythm guitar and vocals.

The last original I composed in today’s episode is the other song from our originals assessment, called Song of Songs. I wrote this on the 10th of March 2014 about a long distance relationship dynamic. For reference, I took from the erotic biblical poem of the Song of Songs aka the Song of Solomon aka the Canticle of Canticles. It’s basically a horny poem in the bible that I got inspiration from about being horny and lonely during a long-distance relationship. As I said, I unfortunately don’t have a video recording of this but I am going to play this for you guys now just with one layer of vocals, keys, and a little synth pad as well.

140310 Song of Songs

You’re so far awayHow could it be that two heartsConnected as one’s gone astray?I need you todayI woke up alone and hopingThe phone would ringAnd I’d hear your voice say

(But) darling, I miss youAnd how I wish youWere right here so I could make you sing

The Song of SongsJust with one touchYour breath on my neck is enoughTo make me singThe Song of SongsThe most beautiful soundSoon I’ll be homeward boundAnd I’ll hear you singThe Song of Songs

How can I get byWhen my days without youAre lifeless and fray and bone dryIt’s my sacrificeI love you so much I can’t keepYou in a cageSo instead, I let you fly

I wear my heart on my sleeves every dayTo put my missing you on displaySo now I sing

The Song of SongsAll by myselfImagining you were hereTo help me singThe Song of SongsIn perfect harmonyFollow my melodyBack home to meThe Song of Songs

After our one-year Certifcate course at MAINZ, we were able to go onto a second year for the Diploma. I chose not to, so that I could focus on working instead. Little did I know that having studied music was actually going to land me jobs as a musician for the next few years. I was able to become an instructor for guitar, vocals, keys, songwriting; moonlight as a gigging covers musician with cover artists in Auckland like Dannyy McCrum and Dylan Storey — not to mention, having a formal qualification and real-world working history in music meant that I was also able to succesfully land jobs in arts administration in a couple of different musical institutions.

Some of the class though, they chose to stay on for another year and we kept in touch and still hung out every now and then. I still had some of the class come to my 23rd birthday the following year, when I booked a little jam sesh at a pub for all of us that night. A new girl in the class that year, named Brooke, who we had all met via Missy, even came along and performed for me with Fili and Brian, which was so sweet. They sang for me, Seether and Amy Lee’s Broken.

Which was a very special song because Fili and I always said that if the teachers ever put us in a band together for an assessment we would have to find a way to incorporate that song somehow - but they never did put us in a band so we’ve never actually gotten to play that song together! And last I saw Brooke, I bumped into her at a club in Ponsonby a few years ago, and she had an amazing new pair of boobs and she was telling me all about her boob job. It made me want to get my itty bitty titties done.

Anyway, as for Fili. He and Oliver were also sweet enough to come to my 25th birthday party a couple years after that too. I’m pretty sure that would have been the year that Oliver and I started working with each other musically.

Oh, of course, I can’t forget to mention… Another person with whom I made a deep and long-lasting friendship from MAINZ is Stella Maris. She was enrolled at the equivalent of MAINZ in Rotorua (I forget the name of their music school, but it’s basically owned by the same educational instution - the umbrella institution). When our cohort started in 2013, the schools arranged for an exchange weekend with their cohort so that we can have a chance to meet each other and network as young musicians. Their class came up to Auckland and we all spent a night at the marae, doing classes together and just jamming. I remember seeing Stella from the other side of the marea wearing this Cruela Deville fur coat when we were doing the pōwhiri, and then hearing her sing when their class presented to ours and I was like WHO IS THIS DIVA?! Long story short, I imprinted on her and I just said, we’re going to be friends now okay? And we are still very close friends to this day. For a year or two after we met, she moved up to Auckland and we got to bond over that time, but then she moved down to Christchurch because she landed a role as a presenter for the show What Now. She still lives there now, but we still make time to hang out whenever we’re in each others’ towns. Actually, here’s a short clip of us jammin’ in my bedroom to Demi Lovato’s World of Chances.

[Pictures & videos below: our class marae weekend]

I also stayed close with Akshay for a few years after MAINZ, doing open mic nights with Ema at our regular watering hole, Empire.

[Video below: Akshay & I driving home from open mic night]

These days, I’ve unfortunately lost contact with most of the people from MAINZ, except for Brian. Although I do always hear of Fili around and about the scene with Oliver for Shepherd’s Reign stuff. But losing contact with a lot of musicians was almost kind of a given since I switched industries during COVID from music to politics and academia.

Although, I guess with this series, I’m taking baby steps back toward music again, at my own pace and under my own conditions.

Thank you for listening to episode 30 of Every Song. Until next time.

[More memories with the MAINZ crowd…]

This episode I am going to be playing two songs that serve as companion pieces to each other. They are called Fool and Fooled Again. The titles already say as much, I suppose.

The first on, Fool is about sex and the sexual awakening as a young adult. I wrote it at a time when a few of my friends had already started having sex or having some kind of awkward teenage sexual experience. We were all around about the ages of 15 to 16. The legal age of consent where I’m from is 16 and I wrote this just a few months away from turning 16.

Sex was the topic of conversation in a lot of our hangouts, especially because we had a co-ed close friend group and the boys were just so disgusting sometimes. I remember the first time I ever saw porn was when my friend Dyall shoved his phone in my face that had graphic videos playing and I was like what the f**k?! I didn’t know that that was even going to happen, he just did it. Wait, now I thik about that… That’s actually really fucked up. I did not consent to seeing that.

Plus, a lot of the media that was targetted toward teenagers had sexual themes in them. Which is normal, even to this day. And I actually don’t think it’s particularly bad, because we had to learn about it eventually, and being exposed to stories about sex and what could go wrong at that age and the ways you could do it right and in a healthy manner is important. Especially, if you were growing up in an environment where sex conversations is often avoided and educational opportunities about it are missed. A lot of kids grew up learning about sex from the media because they had noone to teach them about it in an appropriate and healthy avenue. And a lot of the times, as well, it’s just conversations with friends - so, it was more like the blind leading the blind, in that respect.

I did not start having sex until I was 20, so I was safe from teen pregancy. You know what, that show Teen Mom really put the fear of god in me. I was like HELL NO I HAVE GOALS IN LIFE AND I’M NOT RUINING MY LIFE WITH CHILDREN SO I’M NOT GOING TO RISK HAVING SEX. To this day, in my big age of 34, I am still deathly afraid of bearing children in this economy - especially as a woman.

Anway, I should probably play the song now aye? This is Fool, written on the 24th of December 2006.

061224 Fool

Walkin’ home so slow and my throat just gulped some colaI’m missin’ you right now so I just thought I would call yaSince I’m talkin’ to myself, there’s nobody else to impressI’m gone from here to there, so I’m basically just everywhereBaby there’s no time, no time for us to fool aroundCause soon, soon, yeah soon we’re gonna break downWell baby, I ain’t gonna wait for loveIf love ain’t gonna be here right now

So go, make yourself feel right at homeIn my arms, inside of meSo slow, oh we’ll take it slowThere’s no rush, feel the lustLet’s get close

Whenever you’re near me I can’t speak, I just wanna listenTo how your chest pounds, to how your heart beatsThere’s no point in even breathingIf breathing ain’t gonna give me speechSo, don’t me wrong if I’m not saying anything at allThe silence drives me crazy tooThere ain’t nothing I could do if doing ain’t making love with youI’m such a fool, a fool for loving youI’m a fool for you

I’m not very fond of what we’ve become nowCause we’re getting bored, time is almost upI haven’t seen you in a week and a halfI’m hungry, I’m thirsty for your lovin’Baby in five minutes time I’ll be on my wayBut if I go would you come follow me and stayCause baby, there’s no point in going homeIf home’s just gonna make me feel alone

This next song is a follow-up to that last one, called Fooled Again, written just a few days after, on the 29th of December 2006.

In a lot of my lyrics I use the words “fool” or “being fooled” repeatedly because even as a young person I had a lot of pride. I hated the idea of a guy humiliating me and making me look like someone people should pity. That’s where a lot of my non-chalance came from even though deep down inside I was unapologetically such a lover-girl. Apologetically in the outside world though. I just wasn’t in a safe environment to express that, and also because I wasn’t allowed to express that part of myself, since I wasn’t allowed to date. I also think this is why, even when I wrote multiple songs about certain people, sometimes I think I would rather eat shorts than confess who they’re about.

Here’s Fooled Again.

061229 Fooled Again

I’ll learn how to loveI’ll learn how to fallI’ll learn how to stand and stay tallIf I’m gonna go chasing after youThere’s something ‘bout your swaySomething ‘bout your eyesSomething ‘bout the way you lieThat makes me do the things I do

Here’s to all timesWe flew instead of fight (We’d fly instead of fight)And drove off into the night (And drive off into the night)

And I can make it alrightThe second time aroundAnd I should start cleaning up this messCause I know I’ll be fooled again

I’ll learn how to move, I’ll learn how to grooveI’ll learn how to make everything okay for youBaby, baby just waitThere’s something ‘bout the moonSomething ‘bout the airSomething ‘bout the mood you’ve setTrust me, things will fall to place

And I will tumble while you fallThat should teach me how to be strongAnd I should start picking out the senseCause I know I’ll be fooled againAnd I will see you when February startsWhile you’re gone don’t go breaking my heartAnd I will stop crying for you my friendCause I know I’ll be fooled again

Oh my god, playing through that I just realised that I really should edit the lyrics in the pre-chorus because the tenses don’t make sense. In the lines “we flew instead of fly and drove off into the night”. I should perhaps change it to present tense for all of those verbs. So, we’d *fly* and *drive*.

Here’s to all the timesWe’d fly instead of fightAnd drive off into the night

Does that sound better? I think that sounds better. Yeah, I’ll change that from now in.

Well, alright then. Thank you for listening to episode 29 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here is another song about being friendzoned. In the late 90’s and early 2000’s there was a lot of tv shows, movies, songs, books that applied the narrative of unrequited love within the context of friendships or friendships that had underpinning themes of romance and sexual tension. There was Lizzie McGuire, Moesha, Mario’s song ‘Just a Friend’, obviously Twilight and The Hunger Games. So, it inspired a lot of the tropes in my songwriting as well as experiencing it in real life.

This is Don’t Think At All, written on the 11th of October 2006.

061011 Don't Think At All

I’m just waiting for you to make your moveDon’t want to play this stupid game with you anymoreAs I sit here trying to writeThe best way that I couldI start to realiseThat I’m just wasting timeTrying to think of the next lineAfter this tuneCause if you’re not gonna hear it then I understandProbably because I won’t sing itWhile you’re trying to hold her hand

Don’t think at allAnd soon you’ll let goSoon you’ll find out she’s goneI don’t think you’ll ever seeThat the one left standing here is meUntil you’re completely doneWith getting what you think you needWith finding out the difference betweenReal life and dreams

Oh and just so you knowEverything I think about is youI’ve done it all beforeI’ve tried all the things they’ve told me to doNow I’m just waiting for you to make your moveDon’t want to play this stupid game with you anymore

On the topic of unrequited crushes, the next song is one I wrote about the whole idea of being too nervous to talk to someone you’d like to get to know romantically. It’s about that thing we do when we try to hype ourselves up every day to go and do it but eventually feel discouraged.

This song is called Tomorrow, written on the 29th June 2007.

070629 Tomorrow

You’re standing right in front of meBut what do I sayWhat can I do to make you turn my wayYour shoulders are coldBut I can feel your warmthFrom a mile awayWell this is what I get for

Being quietBeing lazyBeing shyActing crazyLosing hopeLosing gripLosing youI’m going to slip away

The subtle maybesAre going against meSo long as you are hereI’ll be keeping myself cleanThe sooner you knowThe better it will showBut I just keep telling myselfThat I’ll talk to you tomorrow

Everything I have knownFor the first time in my lifeI am going to let them goJust to see youSo don’t you bring me down

Thank you for listening to episode 28 of Every Song. Until next time.

First up, we’ve got one I wrote when I was 14. This is called Someone Like You.

050703 Someone Like You

I think I’m falling in love, falling in loveDo you really wanna knowWhy I think I’m falling apart, falling apartIt’s because I’m losing all my senses

They’re mine and you know itThey’re mine, you can have itYou can keep it if you wantBut don’t give it back if you don’tCause it’s no use with meThey’ve been waiting for someone like you

I didn’t mean to fall in love, fall in loveYou just happened to walk past my wayBut I think I’m thankful enough, thankful enoughTo never give up, never quit on this stupid gameI think I’m falling in love, falling in loveDo you really wanna know

Someone Like You was written on the 3rd of July 2005.

The next song I’m playing today is one I wrote on the 17th of October 2006, called Grey is All I See in You.

061017 Grey is All I See in You

The sky is like the shade of your eyesHappiness is all that awaits me nowAnd I don’t know how to get there tonightBut I’m on my waySo many dreams I had for usAnd so many shattered to the groundThe remaining are still left inside my heartHalf of them lost, half of them still wanting to be found

You’re moving farther and farther awayI’m losing you more everydayI’m passing on the torch to somebody elseI’ve got to learn to let go I guess

It’s been a while since my back could lean on the wallAnd as soon as I did everything began to fallI’m getting told thing that I don’t want to know (abouot you)Don’t want to heart itI’m even lucky that it doesn’t show

The sky is like the shade of your eyesAnd I am like the shadow of your lifeYou’re slowly leaving me behindI understand babe, it’s alrightThough grey is all I see in youYou remind me of the tears of blueI’m wishing there was more I could doBut I love you

We are going through these songs no fluff today. But this last song has a bit of fluff to it. I wrote this one when I started to realise how ridiculous it was for me to keep writing songs about imaginary scenarios that I make up just to feel like my emotions and confusion around a situation wasn’t unreasonable.

While it’s not harming anyone around me because I just leave people alone and write by myself in my room, looking back at it now, it wasn’t the healthiest thing for me personally. But did it help me cope at that time? Yes. At the very least I have a little bit of self-awareness now to process that.

It was just some Tina Belcher, very imaginative teenage girl, head in the clouds, hopelessly romantic, thing I was doing. Except Tina Belcher wrote erotic fantasy friend-fiction, while I wrote these songs.

This is When I Still Had My Sanity, written on the 22nd of July 2007.

070722 When I Still Had My Sanity

All my thoughts are emptyAnd all my words cut throughThe paper-thin wall we have builtBetween me and youAnd oh, your glare’s on fireMy head is so confusedWhat I have just seen with my eyesWas that really you

You’re looking fineIt don’t look like you need any helpWith moving onSo I’ll be flying aheadYou drive on I walk away, look awayThere’s really nothing to see hereI’m still the same person just in a different placeThan where we used to beWhen I still had my sanityWas I just hallucinatingOr was that real

Although they said we were too youngWe still believed in lovedBut obviously it wasn’t enoughTo keep us togetherBut at times I can’t help but to thinkMaybe we were wrong to startBut we can’t avoid receiving the fateThat’s been dealt with the cards

Thank you for listening to episde 27 of Every Song. Until next time.

First song for today is one I wrote on the 7th of July 2009, called Best Mistake.

090707 Best Mistake

Do you remember when we were only fifteenAnd a hundred percent in loveWe would sneak out every nightJust after daddy turned out the lightsWell I recall you telling meThat there ain’t nobody that can take my place|You’re so wrong and I’m so doneMaking excuses for the fact that we were too young

I’m so sick and tired of feeling so helplessOh, you will always the best mistakeThat I’ve ever made andI’m waving my white flagI surrender to you in every wayBut it’s too late nowYou’re impossibleIt’s too late nowCause I’m halfway over you

Do you remember when you saidGod created us one imperfection at a timeI would stare out the window, at the same moonWaiting for you to arriveNow I finally realiseThat you’re never coming back around here anymoreCause I, I liedAnd I picked at every single one of your flaws

Best Mistake is a song that falls under the category of ‘Songs about X’.

I do mention in the first verse something about sneaking out. I never actually snuck out when I was young. I was too scared. The ‘sneaking out’, in the song, just referred to the feeling of escape or escapism when you’re texting someone late at night and no one knows. It did feel exhilarating back in those days, since the concept of texting and having a private conversation between yourself and someone else while living your real life was still relatively new. Especially when you were young because your parents didn’t know what that whole world was and how to use it and how it works. I don’t know about the kids these days that have grown up with that idea and how normalised it is for them. It must not be that exciting anymore. I mean, I know for me personally, I’ve already started getting put off by the idea of PMing, Dming, texting, emailing, all of that. I just like to be left alone now. I don’t want any notifications going off, I don’t want any calls, I don’t want any texts, I don’t want any messages, nothing. I just like to be disconnected these days mostly - most of the time. But, I don’t know, maybe I am just getting old.

Alright, the second and last song in today’s episode is another one in the same category. It is called Forget Your Face, written on the 8th of October 2007.

071008 Forget Your Face

Here’s where it endsHere’s where it starts againI can’t let you fall behindIn the back of my mindI’ll never forget your smileAnd here’s where it stoppedAnd here’s where the fear kicked inIt wasn’t the truth that scared meBut the fact that someone elseCould make you happy

I want you so badBecause there’s nobody, no, nobodyNo, nobody that can take your placeAnd I want you right backBecause there’s no way, no, no wayNo, no way I’ll ever forget your face

AnywaySo there’s no point in trying to pretendThat every dayThat goes byI don’t wish you were by my side

I’ll never forget your faceAnd your eyes, your smileAnd the way you laughAnd the scent of your cologneYou just sound and smell like home

Thank you for listening to episode 26 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song today is a love song called Love Song. I wrote it in when I was 14 and just playing around with the common concepts of songwriting. I wrote this following a verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure (no bridge though) and a 3-chord progression to see how easy it was to actualise music out of the basic theories of pop songwriting - and it was. Here it is.

050703 Love Song

Tell me whyI’ve been writing pointless love songs for youTell me whyYou’re never gonna listen to them anyway

Sing me poetrySing me the honest truthAnd I’ll sing my love songsBack to you

I stand here before youYou say you need meYou say you need me babyI stand here before youIt’s where I belongHeyI’ve just written you a love song

Tell me whyI’ve been wasting paper and inkInk on paperTell me whyWhy won’t you ever listen to me

Love Song was written on the 3rd of July 2005.

Next up, we’ve got a couple of songs about the same person. Well, not really ‘about’ the person because nothing actually happened between the two of us. These are just inspired by some feelings that the person has guided me to feel. I am careful with the way I talk about a lot of people who inspired certain songs when I was a teenager and use the word guided, just because I don’t have a better word for it right now, because it’s not like the person *made* me feel a certain way. It’s more often than not me magnifying my emotions a hundred times its size because I grew up not being taught how to regulate them. So, for the most part, even though I say I’ve written multiple songs about someone I’ve had an emotional or flirtatious moment with, it’s usually just me imagining that something more significant did happen because either I wish it did or because I don’t know what to do with these waves of emotions and what they are and why I have them even though I shouldn’t because nothing big even happened to me at a certain situation. Again, this is just when I was a teenager. When I did come into young adulthood and experienced real life situationships — (NOT situationships! Oh my god I can’t believe I said situationships, instead of relationships. That’s how used to I am with situationships now in this day and age!)

Anyway, when I did come into being a young adult and experiencing real proper relationships, those feelings were definitely valid and not imaginary at all. Actually, even situationships - feelings within situationships as an adult because they were real. They actually happened. They were not imaginary in songs that I’ve written. Right now, I’m specifically just speaking about a time when I was not allowed to form or explore romantic dynamics with anybody, thus affecting the way I treated myself and saw my value within future relationships and situationship is. Which was s**t. But more on that later.

Getting back on topic though, as a teenager, the concept of imagining events occurring just so I can validate my feelings and process it, and being able to express them onto song was a way of coping for me. It allowed me to unapologetically feel things without having to explain myself because I had the excuse of it all being so abstract. And most importantly, I was able to just leave these people I was writing about alone. It’s not like I was writing multiple songs about them and haranguing them in real life and stalking them. No, mostly I was too scared to talk to them in real life, or I hated the idea of even finding out what they were up to or who they were going out with that time. I still had a lot of pride in myself, and always wanted to seem nonchalant about these things. So, I would sometimes just tell people that these songs are about noone and nothing and that they were just songwriting exercises. In this series though, I am trying to open up a bit more about what’s really a songwriting exercise and what’s been inspired by emotions that I really did feel, even though the situational narrative around it in a song is not all real.

The first line in this next song expresses just that.

080804 Patient

First of all I’d like to commemorateOur one year anniversaryFor a relationship that hardly even existsAnd maybe you’re still trying to get that through to your headBut just think next week, I’ll be with another man insteadSo I think it’s time for youTo finally open upLet me insideAnd shut that door behind

Don’t say you still don’t know meBecause you know I might just waitBut babe I know you’ll drag this onFor another day

Oh I’ve never been this patient beforeConsider yourself luckyThat I’m always looking past your flawsOh I’ve never been this patient beforeI just keep waiting for your loveEven though I know you’ll do me wrong

Is it strange to strum a chord and just let it ring for hoursIs it sad I play A and just let him win foreverI’m no longer playing hard to getI gave up on that, oh I protestThat honey you start to make hasteHurry up I don’t got time to waste

Can’t you seeIt’s killing meI’m going easier on youBecause I know that deep insideThere will beRoom enough for twoYou’re like an endless road to nowhereLeading me astrayI’m already on a silver platter for youSo take me as I am

That song is called Patient, written on the 4th of August 2008.

The next song’s title features a name. No, it’s not the actual name of the person. Whenever I name names in my music it’s never that person’s real name. Mostly, I use something that rhymes with their real name instead or just random names that come up.

This song is called Dear Callum Hawthorne. I used that name because at that time I didn’t really know anyone named Callum - so that was safe and no one can be suspected. And I used Hawthorne because of the band Hawthorne Heights, which I didn’t really listen to, personally. It’s just that my friends did talk about them and I thought Hawthorne sounded pretty cool, so I used that.

No one is Callum Hawthorne. Unless there is a real person out there named Callum Hawthorne, but there is no one named that irl or this song is not written about anyone named Callum, whatever.

Okay, so this is Dear Callum Hawthorne, written on the 5th of April 2009.

090405 Dear Callum Hawthorne

He was the boy I sang aboutI loved him so, without a doubtMy heart used to skip a beatWhenever I saw himAnd maybe he was just out of my leagueBut I don’t care, I can still dreamAbout what could have possibly beenIf he only took a look at me

They were right, I was wrongTo ever fall for somebody like youTo ever fall for my dear Callum HawthorneDon’t know why I still waitFor a blind man to cryCry his heart outI was such a fool to ever fall forMy dear Callum Hawthorne

And I will find somebody newI will always be irrationalMy life will never be the sameCause I know I’ll never see you againSo long, I will hide my shameAnd I will gladly take the painI will put on my face every morningBut I still will be searching and hoping

Thank you for listening to episode 25 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here’s a song I wrote when I was 16, on the 20th of May 2008. A little romantic one, titled The Story.

080520 The Story

Let me tell you a storyAbout a girl who lost her heartBut she found her way somehowSomehow in your armsEvery corner was emptyEvery corner of her narrow mindEvery door was lockedBut you’ve opened it somehow

That girl there is telling the truthThat girl there is falling for youWhen she says she wants youDon’t hesitate, make a move (too)She looks at her reflection and seesThat girl in the mirror is me

Let me tell you the storyAbout how you’ve helped her upShe was down on the groundBleeding, hurting, crying her eyes outSo, every now and then when you see her smilePlease remember how that came to beYou placed your hand right under her eyesAnd wiped away her tears

So, I’ll let you inAnd I’ll let you see what lies withinYou’re too good to be trueEvery step and stride we take is gentle and smoothThere’s nobody else in my heart or my headAin’t nobody else and there’s no other placeThat I’d rather beI wanna stay here forever with you

Today’s episode is going to be a quick one because these songs were also all songwriting exercises, much like many of the other ones in this whole series. So, this next song is called By Your Side, written on the 27th of May 2007.

070527 By Your Side

Sliding so slowly in lifeBroken behind the smileTelling myself I will be alrightWhen I know it’s a lieI wanna feel you right beside meMy heart is torn into fourCause you’ve already broken it twiceAnd again, once more

Because I know how it feels insideAnd I won’t let you fall behindSo I’ll open upAnd I’ll let you inAnd I’ll let you get the better of meBecause I know we’re meant to beAnd I won’t let go that easy

Sitting here by myselfWishing there was someone elseWho would walk me through life besides youBut then I realiseThat without you I’d still be blindI promise whatever you go throughI’ll stand by you

So don’t be afraidWhen you’re feeling aloneWhen all your friends are goneAnd you don’t know what’s going onCause the truth is we’ve saved each otherFrom this prison we call lifeAnd no matter how many times you hurt meI’ll stand by you

The last song for today is Sick to Death, written on the 23rd of April 2006.

060423 Sick to Death

Feeling all this tensionWanting your attentionI’ve got this desperationInside of meJammin’ to the bluesWaiting up on youBaying at the moonI’m lookin’ like a fool

It wasn’t a questionSo don’t scratch your headI’m praying you won't hear meI’m sick to deathYou’re fading away babyGoodbye to youYou’re not the only one babyI’m annoyed at me to

Thinking this’ll keep me saneBut it won’t keep me from the painThought this would be the easy way outEverything’s so ugly, though everybody’s happySeek and find your familyGo ahead, bury me

Thank you for listening to episode 24 of Every Song. Until next time.

My sinus infection is getting a little bit better today but it is still there. So, I still have a very nasal sound to my singing and I feel like I can’t give it a hundred percent emotion and soul. Which is a shame because the songs in today’s episode are quite gritty, emotional ones. I just have to sing them a bit smoother and softer to take care of my voice this week.

Okay, here is one I wrote as a songwriting exercise in 2006 - just a couple of months after Christina Aguilera’s release of her Back to Basics album. I knew that there was a formula for every genre or style of music - I mean, I was just following the formula for pop rock songs since I started writing - but at that point I haven’t yet started to try to actually write in many other genres since I was still trying to master one. So, after listening to and being inspired by the Back to Basics era, I thought I would try it out.

Also, I think I remember around that time or maybe a few months before, my music class had just finished learning about blues and Chuck Berry and how Chuck Berry innovated rock and roll through the musical techniques of blues.

So, I wanted to try my hand at writing a very simple blues song - in E major of course. However, I didn’t use the 12-bar structure. I tried to at first, just to have a template to put lyrics and chords in already, but it just didn’t really work out that way when I kept writing.

This song is called Blues for You, written on the 4th of October 2006.

061004 Blues for You

Searching all my lifeDon’t know what I’m looking forSearching for the rightNobody so farSearching east to westGotta settle for the bestNobody but youBut you don’t have a clueThat I got the blues for youI got the blues for youI got bad news for youAnd it’s that I got the bluesBlues for you

You’ve been after her for a year nowShe don’t even want you nowTime to get her outta your mindCause she got rid of youNow you don’t got a womanAnd you ain’t even cryingYou say you don’t careI, I know it ain’t fairCause I got the blues for youYou got the blues for herI got bad news for youAnd it’s that she ain’t got the bluesBlues for you

I’m stuck in a rutI don’t need your helpI’m gonna be giving up soonDon’t say I’m obsessedCause you know nothing ‘bout meAnd my feelings for himOne thing I am gonna give awayI gotta sayThat I got the blues for himI got the blues for himI got bad news for youAnd it’s that I got the bluesFor him and not you

I got the blues

Now in five years' timeYou’re gonna look backAnd you’re gonna say to yourselfI went a little off trackCause by then I’d have found someoneWho has the blues for me tooAnd by then I’d be rememberingThat once II had the blues for youI had the blues for youI got bad news for youI ain’t got no blues for you no moreI had the blues for you

Right. this next song is one that holds a lot of weird feelings for me. Let’s talk about friendship breakups, for a minute.

Friendship breakups are just as hurtful if not even more hurtful than romantic breakups. We obviously have a lot of literature and media offering advice on how to deal with seperation in a romantic setting, divorce, long-term partnerships, and so on; even a lot of content on how to heal from toxic family relationships and breakdowns - but hardly any on friendship breakups.

I won’t go into every single hot take I have on friendship breakups but I will just, very briefly, share one of my experiences today. This is about me and my teenage best friend. His name is - and yes, I am going to name names - Josh. Joshua.

I have mentioned a lot of my mates that I call ‘best friend’ or ‘one of my best friends’ here in this series, and that’s because we had a very close friendship group growing up.

Sometimes it did get a little incestious when people would date people that other people have already dated, as is normal, I suppose, when you grow up together within an established grouping. And I have already mentioned some of my friends being coupled up and stuff. However I am very very proud to say that I’ve never hooked up with or had a thing with anyone from the inner circle of our original friend group. I always made damn sure that I didn’t s**t where I ate and only hooked up with dudes from other schools or at least other friend groups. I just had to make a quick disclaimer there because I realise that I mention a lot of my childhood guy mates on here, but rest assured I never engaged with them in such a way. I saw them all as my brothers and cousins and close family friends at that point.

In saying that, it is not lost on me that when somebody is one half of an opposite-gender friendship pairing, little matter the wider context of you guys’ social situation with others, many people mistake you as a couple or conspiracy start to follow you every now and then about being coupled.

I think that the biggest lesson that I’ve learnt throughout the years having been in co-ed friendship groups growing up and having an opposite-gender best friend, is that gendered dynamics within that friendship pairing still exists. Especially when each person in that friendship pairing adhere to traditional gender roles. I mean, for example, when a guy and a girl are best mates and neither of them are queer - say, a straight guy and his tomboyish best girl mate who presents and performs more masculine and is also attracted to women. Or a straight girl with a gay guy best friend. As opposed to just two run of the mill straight guy and girl best friends who presents and perfroms traditional gender imagery (for lack of a better word). You get what I’m saying.

And I acknowledge that there are many different relationship dynamics when it comes to having boy-girl friendships, it’s just that the experience I’m speaking from here is where you both are straight presenting people so others start to think you must be dating or have a thing for each other. That underlying theme carries through to one’s friendship throughout the years and creates a bit of tension with testing out what role each person plays in the platonic relationship without crossing boundaries. And of course, when you’re young and learning about interpersonal relationships, you will never not cross boundaries with friends and families. You just have to learn from those times and be more aware as you carry on your relationship with them. This is especially prevalent when you are just in the beginning stages of your friendship and still getting to know each other and each other’s temperment and boundaries. I mean, it’s already complicated enough being a girl and navigating the girl world with girl friends. So, it gets a little more sensitive with a straight opposite-gender friend with unavoidable gendered dynamics within various social contexts.

Okay, going back to the music… That was a long-winded explanation of something that I haven’t even talked about yet.

This is a song about being hurt by my straight male best friend as a 16 year old, back when our friendship was still in its first couple of years. He crossed some boundaries in the way he spoke to me. It was a time when we were still getting to know each other’s expectations and communication styles, I guess. Additionally, now that I think about it was probably a bit of a power struggle between the both of us. Joshua was a very forthcoming and sometimes harsh young man and I was a very opinionated young woman, so tensions were always going to be underpinning our friendship. I decided to quietly let it go after what happened at that time and our friendship grew over the years. We ended up having a very beautiful friendship overall and I did love him, loved him so much - platonically obviously. The same way I loved our whole very close friendship group. It’s just unfortunate that the tension between us grew and grew and did eventually break us down one night.

Actually, funnily enough, the last time Josh and I had ever properly spoken was at Alex’s birthday party - his 21st, if I recall correctly. (It’s always Alex’s birthday! The drama in his birthdays…) We had a fight and we never recovered from there. Josh eventually pulled himself away from the friend group because, as I understand it, he had other priorities at that time, and also because we were both pissed at each other. I did try to contact him a few weeks after that and try to negotiate a peace deal, but he was not having it and he did not want to speak to me. That was in 2012 and we have not spoken since then.

This song is called Better Recognise, written on the 27th of April 2008. In a way, this song forshadows the end of our friendship.

But check out the synth sound I chose for this song.

080427 Better Recognise

Always dreamingAlways doingNever finding time to thinkAbout how I’m really feelingIf I just had one wishI wish I didn’t have to deal with thisBecause someday you will seeThat nobody else could ever replace me

Just because I’m not your womanIt don’t give you the right to treat me this waySo you better recognise and learn how to appreciate

But now I’m freeI’m free from all those lies you had me tied down toI’m just walking awayYou’re historyWe’re finished, through and doneI’m done with youNow who’s playing the fool

Tell me somethingTell me storiesTell me how you’re really sorryBecause I could wait foreverJust to hear your apologyBut I just have this feelingAnd I know you feel it tooMaybe someday when you find me againYou might just get your way

Thank you for listening to episode 22 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song I’m going to be playing today is a song I wrote when I was 13 years old, in 2005. It was inspired by a friend I had at school, named Emmy-Leigh, who, at the time of writing, was changing schools. This was a prettty sad time because I grew close with her in those last couple of years or so and now she was leaving. In her last few weeks, I kept thinking about how many more friends we were going to have to say goodbye to in our lifetime. This was especially because at that age I was already being seperated, saying goodbye and losing touch with so many friends as an immigrant kid who moved to a new country and then now in the new country, realising that friendships made in a place where you’re planning on staying still come and go.

This song is called Where Are You Going, written on the 9th of July 2005.

050709 Where Are You Going?

Where are you goingWill you take the memories with youWhen are you coming backWhatchu gonna do when you turn thirty-twoI hope you’re not too farHope will be keeping us togetherWhere are you goingTake the memories with you

Laughing our heads offAt that joke we thought was funny back thenCrying our eyes outCause we’ve been hurt so many timesI don’t want to go, I don’t want to leaveBut we have to go our separate waysPlease don’t run away from this town

But I might have to leave somehowDo you remember when you used to tell meThat things are gonna be okayNow I hardly hear those words coming out of your mouthWhat happened, are you scaredDon’t be, cause I’m always hereJust take one step at a timeAnd you'll be fine

The next song is called Better Than This. This one was a bit of a songwriting exercise, I think. You know what, as I’m looking at the lyrics now I can feel what I felt when I was writing this but for the life of me I can’t remember what exactly I was writing it about. But I’m pretty sure this was mostly a songwriting exercise for me with a hint of emotional inspiration from something. I just can’t recall what that was.

061001 Better Than This

Maybe it’s time to let you goCause nothing right now is letting me knowThat you even care about meNoI used to feel like there’s no tomorrowWhen I was with youNow when I think aboutAll the things you’ve put me throughIt’s not worth the pain

Thinking ‘bout the time you told me that you loved meKnew it was a lieDid you think I would believe youI’m not that naiveCause I’ve been thereDone thatBut now I’m just back at the startWho do you think you areBreaking my heart like that

Maybe time could change the fact thatAll you left me with are scarsNow that I really think about itForgetting you isn’t all that hardWhat happened to the friendship that you promised meIf we should ever go wrongIt’s just way too blurry todayBut I know that I’m strong

And to my hopeless storyThought you were my happy endingDon’t you say you're sorryIt’s too late for your apologies

Better Than This was written on the 1st of October 2006.

The last song for today is one I started writing as a gospel song, specifically the chorus and bits of the first verse which was the first section I wrote when I got a bit of inspiration for lines and a melody for this. But when I kept writing the rest of the song it naturally went onto a more romantic storyline instead. So, it can be taken any way that a listener needs to take it.

The subtle gospel-subliminal-messaging-in-music-that-sound-like-love-songs is a technique that a pop artist that I grew up listening to used to do. Brooke Fraser.

Brooke Fraser’s first couple of albums was marketed and sold as generic secular music to attract mass audiences - and it worked. But a keen listener at that time would have realised that romantic themes in her music alluded to her love for God and religion. She is now - surprise surprise - Hillsong’s biggest legacy artist.

I don’t listen to her gospel music these days or any gospel music these days, because I have lost my faith a long time ago, but I do find myself going back to her debut secular music and albums every now and then.

So, I wrote this song on the 28th of December 2007, when I still haven’t caught on that she was subliminally sending me Christian messaging in her music. This is called Incomplete.

071228 Incomplete

Opened windows, opened doorsI can’t seem to get me more of your loveYou’re too fast, you’re too high up aboveAnd I am simply not enoughWishing I had plenty to offerBut I don’t, I’m just a poor little girlMaybe your shadow could help me find the light againBack to your world

But I am confusedI am blindI am jealousAnd you’re too kindSo, let her goAnd leave it beLook me in the eyesAnd sweep me off my feet

(And) shoutShout out and testifyMoveUntangle all the liesBreatheFor I am hereAnd I’ll never leaveYou incomplete

So, I’ll carry on, I’ll be moving onI’m finding that so hard to doIt’s difficult but it’s only smartFor me to walk awayBut I can’t help but to wonderIf your eyes denied and lied to herSo, don’t take away the comfort bySaying this is all a blurBecause one day you’ll realiseThat I’m right here by your sideAnd I’ve always been, and you’d be gladI’ve always been holding your hand

Thank you for listening to episode 20 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song for today is titled This is Why, written on the 10th of April 2009. It’s about being friendzoned - arguing with oneself about admitting or denying feelings for someone who is not going to reciprocate those feelings.

090410 This Is Why

I’m constantly over analysing every single word you say to meWhen it always turns out to beNothing important at allI’m daydreaming every chance I getAnd I dress up, I put my best jeans onEven when I’m just on the phone with youBut some other girl’s got you on her queueCause she’s pretty as pretty can beBut you’ll always have a home in me

This is why I think I’m in loveWhen you laughEverything that glitters is goldSo, I won’t have the heart to let goThis is why I think I’m in loveIt’s your voiceIt’s a kind of beautiful noiseSo, I don’t really have a choiceI’m in love with the boy

It’s complicatedI still have to wait‘Til I’m eighteen and fully healedBut I ain’t complaining, I’m still thinkingAnd the thought of being with you is getting me so excitedBut now I’m doubtfulOoh boy what’s the use of trying if I’m not even into you anymoreYou changed my mind completelyWhen you came around to see me just to cry about herCause she’s pretty as pretty could beAnd you’ve moved out of your home in me

This is why I’m so not in loveWhen you talkEverything is dragged out and longSo, I won’t have the time to listenThis is why I’m so not in loveIt’s your attitudeThe world don’t revolve around youSo, I will keep collected and coolThere’s no lovin’ - there’s no truth

So, I’ll keep moving on - I’ll keep rolling - on to the next flightI will be alrightBecause I know that you will be happyWith or without me hitting the concreteDo you want to take this to the next levelAnswer me babyIt’s now or never

The second song is one I wrote as a songwriting exercise. The challenge I set for myself was to write something inspired by or in the style of Colbie Caillat. This song, particularly rhythmically in the vocal melodies and guitar chord progression, was inspired by Colbie Caillat’s Realize.

My friends and I listened to a lot of Colbie Caillat in that time of our life, especially when we’d spend a lot of our summers at beaches and baches. Beach-babe pop, and chill surf-pop songs were the soundtracks to our hang-outs and holidays. I’m takling Jack Johnson, Corinne Bailey Ray, Ben Harper. That vibe.

This is Can’t Wait to Fall in Love, written some time in May of 2008.

080500 Can't Wait to Fall in Love

All the thoughts in my headThat I just can’t bring myself to sayThere might be something hereFeelings I can’t bear to feelThey can keep trying to push me awayBut baby I’m here to stayBecause no matter whatWe’ll pull throughI just can’t keep away from you

You must not matter they tell meBut I just keep coming backBut you must matter enough for meTo be singing about

Maybe if I just give this a tryIt might evenEnd up being something worth my timeI just can’t wait to fall in love with youMaybe if I just tell you what I’m thinkingThis might even end up being the real thingI just can’t wait to fall in love with you

Why would I be ashamedOf having someone who feels this way about meCause babyBeing with you is better than being aloneSo, don’t worry I won’tLet you becomeJust another strangerIn just another one of my songs

Wellp, here’s another one that falls under the category of ‘Songs about X’. I don’t have quite as much to say about it because when I was writing it, I was just trying to get as many thoughts as I can out of me and onto paper.

Here is A Hell of a Lot to Say, written on the 8th of September 2007.

070908 A Hell of a Lot to Say

I’m smiling like crazyFeeling so much betterWithout you in my lifeI’m dancing on table tops butI’m messing up butI can breatheAnd it feels so sweetThough sometimes it feels like I’m living a lieThe things that don’t matterMean so much more to me nowI’m so incomplete nowCause when I hid you awayThis game ain’t been the same

You’re moving onI’m left behindYou know I’ve gotta keep strong baby I’mStill trying toGet over youEven though I’m the one who walked awayI’ve still got a hell of a lot to say

Now you’re tryna get some actionTryna make me jealous, whyOh that’s right, you’re on reboundWhat are you tryna rub up in my faeShe’s just a safety netI really couldn’t care lessThough sometimes it feels like I’m living a lieCause I know I still want youWant you back in my lifeRemember that timeThat I actually agreed to be your wife

Thank you for listening to episode 19 of Every Song. Until next time.

I am sick again. So, my voice has been incredibly used and abused and inconsistent the last few weeks I’ve started recording this series. So, today, I’m only going to be playing one song. And It’s one that is quite special to me.

It’s a song I wrote when I was 15 years old as a way of - and I didn’t know this at the time - manifesting something magical to happen to me. A magical escape, a magical meet-cute, a magical new adventure. Back then, the word manifesting wasn’t a thing, it wasn’t widely used, so it was more like wishful thinking, I guess.

Funnily enough, there was a conversation that Antoinette and I had when we were teenagers making music, about how sometimes we would write sad songs about heartbreak and things that didn’t particularly apply to us at that time. For example, we would get some kind of inspiration from a tragic situation on a television show, but then one day that situation would start happening to us. This was a time before social media and all the online discourse around being careful with what you say and being careful with what you consume - and before realising that that kind of woo woo manifestation stuff is somewhat more powerful when done through music. I mean, I’m trying not to believe in that stuff these days, but it was hard to deny.

This song is about a meeting people along your journey, with whom you may not have that much in common with in terms of worldviews and backgrounds, but still being able to help each other escape some harsh realities and create happiness together - or at least help each other get a step closer to happiness before you both go along your own seperate ways.

This is Don’t Know Who You Are, written on the 8th of June 2006.

060608 Don't Know Who You Are

Come into my lifeFly away with your imaginationShy away from your devastationsMake your way to the shoreI’ve been standing hereI’ve been waiting way too long

I don’t see what you seeI’m lost, I’m gone afarI can’t feel what you feelI don’t even know who you areWho you are

Move away from your lifeAnd come with meIt’ll only take a whileSail away from the shoreA new beginningI think I’ve seen this all before

Thank you for listening to episode 18 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song I’m going to be playing today is called Spineless, about getting dumped in the most cowardly way by someone.

101201 Spineless

I’m too proud to let you knowJust how much you’ve hurt me soI’ll just write a bitter songTo show you that I’m staying strongWas I just that insignificantFor you to think reasoning would be irrelevant?You kept me dangling on a stringGood bye to you my sweet spring fling

I tried to be patientI tried to be kindRemember when you said you loved me?Should have known it was a lieI tried to be forgivingI tried to understandBut you took me for grantedWhile I took a while to realiseThat you’re spinelessYes, you are

Do you feel more like a manWhen you ignore my messages?When you say you miss meBut don’t even visit?When you keep on playing these games?

If anyone’s playing the victimIt ain’t gonna be meI’d rather be the villainIn this twisted love storyYou never lived up to your hypeEmpty promises and liesAnd now it all turns sourCause you’re nothing but a spineless coward

You’re spinelessYou’re a cowardYou’re a weaklingYou’re scaredYou’re spinelessYou’re a quitterYou’re doubtfulYour heart is faint

Spineless was written on the 1st of December 2010.

You know what, it doesn’t even actually matter if you’re being broken up with via getting ghosted or being told bogus excuses, it just always sucks being on the recieving end of a shitty dump. No pun intended there. And sometimes it’s not even that you are getting dumped, it’s just that you are getting dumped by someone who doesn’t even have the cojones to let you go with dignity and the truth. It’s just more disgusting to think that you were with someone like that in the first place.

Anyway, the other song for today’s episode is titled Official Lady Friend.

Okay, the story behind this song if actually a little embarassing (and by a little embarassing I mean very embarassing) because this is one of those times when - remember how I said some episodes back - that I would take any one instance of romantic or flirty connection with someone and just use it for emotional inspiration for a song? Yeah, this is that.

This song is about someone - and I cannot believe I’m about to tell the whole internet (not that anyone’s watching or listening) - but this song’s about someone I met at one of my best friends’ Alexis’ 18th birthday party. This was some guy that Alex met at a school leaders’ conference or camp or something (because Alex was the Deputy Head Boy of our year, and the Heads and Deputies would go to some kind of inter-school event to meet Heads and Deputies of other Catholic Marist sister and brother schools). Long story short, they made friends with the Deputy and Head Boy from a school in Hamilton. Alex invited them to his 18th birthday party and I met the Deputy Head Boy of said school. He was cute, we stayed up all night together, bla bla bla, you know the drill. The next day he and his friend drove back down to Hamilton, and the only form of communication we had from there was Bebo. For some weeks after, we would send each other our daily Bebo hearts and talk every day and all that and I was so into it. But one day, I saw that he was flirting and talking to another girl on their Bebo pages - since Bebo didn’t have private messages and every conversation we would have with friends would be posted on our public profiles. I was very annoyed and I stopped entertaining him from then on. I saw him around uni the following year but I never really talked to him after that.

The song has quite an improvisational tone to it, lyrically and melodically. I was writing it at a time when I had very mixed feelings about being into someone who didn’t even live in the same city.

Also, I do remember composing a piano piece about this whole situation too the next year, but I’ve lost that piece and recording now so it just doesn’t exist anymore, I guess. But, hey, here is one such song about the guy: this is Official Lady Friend.

091128 Official Lady Friend

When I met you the sun was waiting to come upSo then I kissed you just to see if time would go by fasterNow I wish I could go back to that momentWhen there was only you and IYou don’t know how to say goodbyeYou’re always on the move but for some reason II feel like I belong with youI do, I belong with you

I forced myself to cry, so I did for a little whileI poisoned myself but it didn’t even hitAnd I don’t know why I’m captivated by your smileBoy pick up the phone and call me the next time you’re in town

How many times have I believed that it’s realHow many times have I found out I’ve been deceivedI’m only fooling myself but it feels good to thinkThat we ever couldWell baby I’m still trying to find the cureWhen I know in my heart you’re okayBut for me, I’m not so sureBe mine alreadyIt’s too late to take things slowGive me your company

I only know your nameBut I’m familiar with this gameTell me what’s your signI’ll see if it’s compatible with mineI may only be half your sizeBut are you even half the man you think you areI count the days that go by like one, two, three, fourFour, five, six, seven and seven, eight, nine, tenYour lips were heaven, man

I forced myself to bend like you’re just about to ask me to be your official lady friendI drank quite a bit but it don’t make me an alcoholic, I thinkAnd I don’t know just how you’re captured me with that upside down frownBoy I’ll tell you how it’s going downLet’s make love the next time you’re in town

Official Lady Friend was written on the 28th of November 2009. I wrote this just a couple of months after meeting that guy at Alexis’ party, when we were still on good speaking terms on Bebo. It is seriously so ridiculous now when I think back on it.

One last thing that I did want to share, just because he has a special place in my heart, is my friend Alexis. He and I have been friends since we were 9 years old, since primary school.

His birthdays every year, in particular, were always special seasons to our friend group since it’s in September and the soundtrack to that time of the year annually would be September by Earth, Wind & Fire. Alex was a great dude, honestly, and I’m always up for celebrating him even when it’s not his birthday - and even when I meet rando dudes at his parties who end up hurting my feelings afterwards.

Thank you for listening to episode 17 of Every Song. Until next time.

In the last episode, going through songs I wrote for Amoska and The Mantis, I realised that none of them were from 2008. It might seem like I wasn’t writing at that time but I was. And whenever Antoinette and I would play together that year, it would be our older songs. But here is one that I wrote in 2008, called The L Word.

It is centred around the idea of the L word, “love”, being a really big deal to say to someone - especially as a teenager. I remember one of my best friends back then, Frances, and I would joke around and say “Alufu” to boys and to each other instead of “I love you”. A, L, U, F, U.

This is The L word, written on the 3rd of January 2008.

080103 The L Word

I’d love to make you laugh one dayI’d like to see you smileI’d love to take the pain awayI’d love for you to shineOne whole year without you, loveI can’t take another minuteI’d love for us to be againBut I’d love for you to change

You’re just a boyWith a ladder to my heartSo, when you feel the needClimb down from where you areBecause there’s nobodyI’d rather say the L word toThan youAnd I’m just a foolCause I’ve loved you for too longThough when I was with youI still felt aloneBut there’s nobodyI’d rather say the L word toThan you

I’d love to tell the whole world howMuch I’m missing you right here, right nowI love the fact that you don’t know me well enoughTo make you proudA second thought of what we could have beenIf it hadn’t ended ever so tragicallyI love, I want, I need, I adore youSo say you feel the same way too

The next song is one that I wrote in an attempt to hype myself up, to keep going with music. This song is a response to a lot of the negativity one recieves when one pursues music as a career, including from people who you thought were onboard with you on the journey. This was written at a time when the High School Musical trilogoy was at its peak. So, the lyricism and delivery is quite theatrical and Disney-esque. It is called Broken Harmony, written on the 5th of July 2009.

090705 Broken Harmony

You walk away, I say goodbyeBut I can’t help myself I still tryI need to be under that spotlightYou turn it down, I crank it upAbandoned melodies hurt me too muchSo, drop that bass line and that guitar

Well if you don’t wanna roll with the punchesThen I can’t make you stay with meBut let me see you try to denyThat groove when you feel it

There’s no hiding from the musicIt flows right through my veinsWhen I hear that beat I’m freeI belong on the stageBut on the contrary you seeThat broken harmony you hearIs your negativityStopping you from hunting down your dreams

You're giving up but I can’t stopEven if I wanted toThere ain’t no substituteNo alternative - just let me entertainYou go on homeI sold my soul to the devilAnd I don’t want it backSo, I lay down another track

Well if you don’t wanna boardOnto Rock Stardome ExpressThen I suggest you stay right where you areYou’ll always be third best

Hey fame, it’s a little bit addictiveIf there ain’t no pain, there ain’t no gainBut only half these people understandFortune, it’s like a sun that never setsI gotta make the world taste itI won’t settle for any less

Thank you for listening to episode 16 of Every Song. Until next time.

I’m so excited because this is a very special and much longer episode. Today I’m going to be sharing some songs I wrote with my band/bands from school. Some songs I’m going to be playing from memory and others from random links I found of us on the internet.

In a previous episode, I mentioned my friend Antoinette who was a guitarist. When I met her at school, we would have been around 14 years old, we immediately clicked and bonded over music, guitars, and The Darkness. That was her favourite band.

We also bonded over being two young girls of colour that were into rock, since Antoinette is Cook Islander.

It wasn’t long until I asked her to play guitar for a song I wrote and we quickly realised that her and I just didn’t have any other choice but to be playing for each other for the next few years of our lives. We had agreed to form some kind of acoustic duo band. Our opening line at gigs was “we’re kinda like Flight of the Conchords but not funny” - which was not funny. Our general vibe was soft rock with influences of pop and rnb. Think The Wreckers or Aly & AJ.

Antoinette and I just absolutely fell in love with each other as sisters and friends - we actually called each other cousins and introduced each other as cousins even though we weren’t related. And we were so intrigued with each others’ musical taste and perceptions. It was awesome having someone like that in my life. Someone who genuinely wanted to get to know me and through music. Antoinette was someone who trully shaped me as a musician, a songwriter, and as a creative.

The first few songs we worked on together were songs that I already had lyric ideas for, and because we were still trying to figure out each other’s style, we worked on those songs around the same key. So, we could basically play those first three songs as a medley. Here are those first three songs: the first one is called Maybe Next Time written on the 5th of March 2006, the second one called Anticipating written on the 3rd of April 2006, and the last one in the medley is called The Same Circle written on the 5th of September 2006 as well. The Same Circle as a title was a bit of an inside joke since we kept writing songs around the same circle of fifths of G major. Here they are.

Medley: Maybe Next Time / Anticipating / The Same Circle

060305 Maybe Next Time

Just wishing I was the oneWho’s making you smile right nowMaybe I was wrongAbout going with your flowJust wishing I was the girlWho makes you feel so braveMaybe I was wrongAbout knowing what you know

Notice meCupid take that bow and arrowAnd shoot mePlant that seed and justLet it grow

I’m sitting right next to youBut you don’t notice meI’m feeling kind next to youBut you don’t look at meI’m leaning on your shoulderAnd it’s sweet how you're trying not to moveAnd I’m thinking that maybe next timeYou’ll accept my sacrifice

I’m making excuses to be close to youI’m telling tales and playing blueI’m making faces to make you lookI’m sharing lies, lying abused

Wake me upYou’re everything I wantBecause of your imperfections

And I’m thinking maybe next time we could swimAnd I’m thinking maybe next time we won’t drownAnd I’m thinking maybe next time we could seeAnd I’m thinking maybe next time we won’t be blind

060403 Anticipating

I’m anticipating the time you realiseThat I’m here, I’m realAnd I, I will be waiting for youTo open up your eyesCause I’m never going to leave your side

Like she did to youShe broke your heart in twoWe’re too young to find whoWe’re gonna be with for the rest of our livesCause people grow olderAnd the nights just get colderAnd feelingsThey fade away as fast as you can say goodbye

Just you and meThat’s the way it’s supposed to beThen she came alongAnd she stole your heart right out of my handsShe doesn’t even know you like I doTo her your just another book on the shelfAnd everytime I see you boyMy heart beats just a little fasterI’ve never gotten used to itI don’t think I want to

And I’ve fallen for you so hardI’m so afraid to tell youI’ve fallen for you so deepI’m so afraid that you’ll find outI don’t think you wanted to knowThat ‘I love you’ were the wordsI’ve been waiting to come out of your mouthAnd I know I’m going to lose you sooner or laterI know I’m going to lose you to someone betterI just know I’m going to lose you sooner or laterI know I’m going to lose you to somebody better

060905 The Same Circle

I see you and you see me, we’re both feeling the same thingI only know you from afar, but I really wanna know who you areWe have a connection, it feels so insaneThe rush of my heart, no thunder of painYou walk and I trip over but that’s okayBecause I talk and you stutter, it’s all the sameIt was a challenge for me to get sober but now it’s all overYou’ve pulled me out of that mess

I’m running around the same circle againJust to prove to you how much I wanna be your friend

Now you’re right where I left you, sitting in the snowUnder the sun that’s been blazing for monthsIt’s a miracle it hasn’t melted the ice that you’ve easily broken throughYou’re right when you tell me that I stand correctedEven though you’re the one who said I was wrongBut just for the record, I told you I can’t afford to let you goNo

And I’m running around the same circle againJust to prove to you how much I wanna make amendsThis ain’t over yet

Talk is cheap and feelings fade fastSo, which one do you think will last(Longer than the other)The sun will go down at quarter past nine tonight(Will this last forever)It’s your dignity that’s stopping the lieDid you know I’m never gonna let you goNever gonna let you go

Oh I’m running around the same circle againJust to prove to you that I feel the sameAnd I’m running around the same circle againJust to prove to you that I feel that wayAbout you

I love you, I love you, I love you

This next song was one we wrote for a music class assignment. I think the assignment was to record an original song or something like that. Maybe it wasn’t but Antoinette and I might have just ended up treating it that way. Wouldn’t put it past us to be honest, we were so bots.

It’s a song called Crush, written some time in August of 2006. It was specifically written to be sung by myself and a few other girls in our music class. I wrote the lyrics in the stylings of an rnb girl group. The verses were sung by myself and the choruses by the girls. I also use, as melodic inspiration for the chorus, Johann Pachelbel’s ‘Canon in D Major’ to emulate the way that hip-hop and rnb songs at that time would sample classical music pieces, like Nas’ ‘I can’ sampling Beethoven’s Für Elise. The rap bridge in this was written and performed originally by Antoinette. You’ll hear influences of The Darkness’ story-telling/descriptive lyricism in the way she writes as well. I think I remember Antoinette also did the original guitar backing track for the assignment, but for today I will play it on the keys.

I can’t find the CD that the song was originally burned in but here is a version of it from memory…

060800 Crush

Boy, I wanna be with youIn all the days for the rest of my lifeNo, I don’t want a sneak previewLet’s get on with the show let’s not waste any timePlease, include me in what you doCause you’re the only thing that’s on my mindI look like a foolDon’t let this opportunity pass you by

You’re the boy in my mindAlways in there all the timeNo, you don’t have a clueHow I feel about youFeel so nervous all the timeThat you are aroundBabe I’m so crazy for youI wanna feel your touchOh, whatchu do?It’s just a silly little crush

Boy, look into my eyesAnd come and see what’s left of meWhy don’t you stay with me tonightDon’t want you to leaveCause if you leave I’ll be lonelyAnd oh, I’ll be holding you tightDon’t mean to be so selfishBut I just want you all to myselfJust for once cause you are all I want

Why don’t you understandI’m going down with no place to landAre you waiting to fall apartOoh, boy you’re breaking my heart

Several days I wont forgetYeah boy, first week we ever metRoller skating in the park, in the darkOh I felt the spark as your brown eyes felt so legitI’m askin’ for this blessingFor you as my possessionI’m testin’, we’re destinedCause boy you’re interestingMost definitelyWhen you walk past me I can’t breatheTrembling on this passion so deepFor my heart’s not a thing to deceiveYou’re what I need boy(You’re what I need boy)When I’m home alone you’re the one to call on(I can’t believe boy)What you do to me, I can’t take no more

The rap made me giggle. It sounds so unnatural for me.

I also have to mention the educators that mentored us along these few years at school and helped us build our confidence around music and performance. Ms. Hunt who was our full-time music teacher for some years and would support us in all our endeavours. She was a violinist, I think, and I believe she is now the Deputy Principal of the school. She was great. And also Mr. Strathdee, who was a part-time music teacher at the school and sometimes I remember he would do some relieving. He was an MC/DJ, outside of school he had a rap career with a duo act called Definite & Bling and also a rock/hip-hop band called Hangman. He had been teaching me music from intermediate school, probably since I was 11, and since he was kinda on-and-off teaching at our school we would see him every now and then, and he would also give a lot of the bands at school some gig opportunities and really supported young people and music. Cool guy.

This next song is called Sounds Like Home, written on the 22nd of February 2007. This one is about two friends of ours who were coupled back in school, Frances and Dyall.

Dyall got suspended one time or a threat of suspension - I can’t quite remember now if it actually happened - because they were getting a little too close during lunch time and a teacher saw them. So, we wrote this song about that idea of a temporary seperation.

070222 Sounds Like Home

How am I to feel the loveIf I’m the one to blameHow am I to apologiseIf I don’t know what to sayHow am I to shut my mouthIf it’s ten feet taller than meHow could I have been so blindIn a way I could still see

So please forgive me and forgetAnd I’ll see you in one week’s timeThough I’m the one who placed the betThat those steps could ruin our livesShe will miss you so muchOh, she’s not used to being aloneBecause to her you’re the one with the voiceThat sounds like home

Sounds like home

Oh my god, recording that was a nightmare. Antoinette played the original lead guitar solo and I was trying to play it the way she used to and it was freakin’ hard. My rhythm guitar underneath my lead solo, and my vocals were all out of time. I’m glad that’s over.

Sounds Like Home was also a song that Antoinette and I entered the Rockquest band competition with back in 2008. We didn’t get past the heats unfortunately that year but we did get a little further the following year with a new band… Which I will get to later in this episode.

Antoinette and I entered our duo act for Rockquest 2008 under the name Amoska. We actually had multiple band names as a duo. We just kept changing it depending on what era we were in. The first name we went by was ‘Kate Bedwerd’ (from around 2006) because we thought it would be funny to have a name that would make it seem like it was a solo act, kinda like Franz Ferdinand. Then we went by Amsoka because the novelty of confusing people turned out to be a lot more admin and, funny story, we thought it would be cool to having something about flying or to fly in a name, so we googled ‘fly’ in different languages and saw that in Italian fly was ‘mosca’ - we just didn’t know it was fly as in the pesky little garbage-eating insects and not to take flight. So, we went by Amoska with a K for a while. And then we also had the name idea of ‘Stable Lane’ because when I was 16 or 17 I was doing an internship for a fashion PR company that had their offices in a little street called Stable Lane near the city. And I’ve always thought that had a ring to it. I actually live just two minutes away from Stable Lane now and whenever I walk past it, I remember our little dynamic duo.

Okay, this next song is a song that was featured on ALT TV in 2007, funnily enough. ALT TV was a music channel that featured alternative music. From what I recall, we were approached by someone who worked for one of their shows that highlighted young, upcoming bands. The young woman asked if we would like to have a little music video done for us, low to no budget of course. Antoinette and I said yes. So, we quickly recorded a version of this song at home and the ALT TV crew shot a budget music video with us at our school, after hours of course. It was so cringe and I hope it never sees the light of day and that that digital footprint has been erased.

But, nonetheless, this is a version of that song. It’s called If You Were By My Side. And when I say version it’s not changed or anything. It’s literally the same exact lyrics and the same exact chord progression. I just mean it’s not that one we recorded specifically at that time.

070725 If You Were By My Side

It’s been months since I’ve seen youAnd too many lonesome nightsAnd I’ve got a list of things to doIf you were by my sideI know we can never beThere’s a million reasons whyBut once again I’d fall in too deepIf you were by my side

But God knows where you areI wonder how you’ve beenI wonder what you’re doingI wonder how you’d feelIf you saw me right nowOh how quickly time flies byI’d love you forever ‘til forever runs outIf you were by my side

I’ll admit that I’m brokenIt’s just something I can’t denyBut you’d put me back together againIf you were by my sideI’d lay with you foreverAnd look you right in the eyesYou’d surely make me strongerIf you were by my side

If You Were By My Side was written on the 25th of July 2007. I think it was supposed to fall under the category of ‘songs about X’ but because there’s a much cooler lore around it now, I’ve completely forgetten that it ever was.

There is something to be said about forgetting a lot of wrongdoings and yucky emotions when they get replaced with much nicer ones. Having Antoinette there for me and with me to process things I go through by playing through these songs together was very helpful and therapeutic.

This next song is a song I wrote about that transition and moving forward. One of Antoinette’s and my favourite easy jams. It’s titled Cool, written on the 30th of August 2007.

070830 Cool

You, you could not be trusted my friendTotally deceiving until the very endI’ve lost every single game that we’ve playedSo, I quit on New Year’s DayA new year, a new life, a new startBut one thing I couldn’t have was a new heartHad to keep livin’ even though it was it brokenCan’t believe that whole month and a halfThat I have wasted on you

Let’s keep things cool

And you, I put my trust in youWhat a stupid thing to doWrote you down as the oneAnd that’s something I shouldn’t have doneCause one day I paid for all the sins I’ve madeI found out that you was playing meBut I guess now we’re all goodLet’s just remember to keep things cool

Cool was obviously inspired by Gwen Stefani’s Cool. Especially with the concept of letting go.

We were also listening to a lot of No Doubt at that time because Antoinette and I were getting more and more inspired by women-led rock acts. We were very drawn to No Doubt because living in Aotearoa we were constantly exposed to reggae, rocksteady, ska music and we of course loved it too. Marry that with our love for rock and pop music and it was just a perfect band for us to use as one of our blueprints.

And this is when our little duo act expanded. In our last year of high school, 2009, the music class that Antoinette and I were in had lower numbers than previous years. A lot of the students who weren’t as serious about music had taken themselves out of the class and moved to other subjects that they liked more. The only people that were left were myself and Antoinette, three 1st XV boys and one guy who was new to the school. Since the six of us had spent quite a bit of time together in class and worked together quite a bit for assignments, we naturally ended up becoming a band.

I don’t even remember how and when we agreed to be a band and named ourselves, but we called ourselves The Mantis. The Mantis was a term used to refer to someone who was the man, very specific to our location and generation. It was also a play on the term ‘marnis’ which was also a local slang for being a schmuck.

Somehow, the boys, Antoinette and I joined forces after quickly realising that the amalgamation of our musical abilities and musical tastes mixed together perfectly. Rock, reggae, rnb.

We had Moeaki on male vocals. Myself on female vocals. Antoinette on rhythm guitar. Mikaele on lead guitar. Junior on bass. And Fasa on drums. Actually all the boys were singers and were always more than happy to jump on a line. It was really only Antoinette who hated singing. When it was only her and I as a duo, she always refused to sing along or harmonise. Which I actually found so charming and funny about her.

Anyway, The Mantis with Antoinette, me, Moeaki, Junior, Fasa, and Mikaele were the perfect fit. We all got along, we respected each others’ opinions and inputs, and most importantly we had great chemistry and friendship.

Antoinette and I started out pitching them ideas on playing their instruments or adding vocals to songs that her and I had written. The first song we asked them to join us on was called Favourite Ex. It’s a song that Antoinette intially conceptualised. She mentioned something about someone being her favourite ex or something like that. I liked the idea and I wrote around it from there. I centred the song around a back-and-forth between two exes in a party, with the female vocalist flirting with the male vocalist, and the male vocalist lines refusing her. It’s actually a little… theatrical. “Theatrical” might be the word, yeah. I was getting into a lot of musical theatre at that time and was really inspired by the storytelling and dialogue within music.

Here is a video clip I found of one of the first times we played it in public. Antoinette and I had just finished teaching the boys all the chords, lyrics, and how it generally went and they were still getting into adding their own flare into it. So, it’s probably the absolute worse rendition of this song we’ve ever done.

Actually, I was trying to look for the video of us playing this at the Rockquest finals, where we came third place, but I was shocked to see that I don’t even have the video anymore! Which made me so sad. So, all we’ll ever have of this is this very shitty version of it. I’ll only play little cuts of it because it actually sounds so horrendous, but I will leave the lyrics to it on my Substack along with the transcript of this episode as per usual, so you can just imagine how it goes.

090414 Favourite Ex

It’s 2am Baby what’s the hurryEverybody’s still dancingAnd your girlfriend’s still cryingYeah she’s crying cause of me and you say

Girl, I have made my mind upAnd I think I might be in loveSo, nothing’s ever gonna be enoughNo, never enough

So, can you keep your hands to the sideCause I am not in the mood to fight

I’m your favourite ex and you know it, ohDon’t try to hide it, admit it honeyYou’re just my type of guyBut sorry I’m with her tonightI’m your favourite ex and you know it, ohI’ll shut my mouthI’ll keep my thoughts to myselfI’ll put your heart to the testYou can’t deny itI am the best, oh yes

Settle downYou still own my heartWithout a shadow of a doubtBut I think it might be too late now

What a shameNothing left to gainAnd your poker face ain’t workingI can see right through your facadeAnd it’s making me love drunk

Lion’s leaping on the tableHeinies, Stenies tell the fable

Cut the condussionYou are delusionalIf you think I’m ever getting back with you

Cause I’m not a saint babeI’m just a martyrI would die and sigh and kill for the truth

Favourite Ex was written on the 14th of April 2009. As I mentioned, we entered Rockquest with that song for the heats and made it through the finals.

At the finals, we had to play two songs. We added a slower ballad - which I will play later. It placed us third at our regional finals night.

I remember, the night of the finals was also the night that our Head Girl, Jolisa, had her 18th birthday party. So, while our friends started the night off Jolisa’s, we were concentrating at finals and getting lots of good luck messages from them all. When the finals event ended and we got to the party (as an after party), we announced that we placed, and everyone was so happy and it just made an already great night better.

Another competition that we entered was Play It Strange, a songwriting competition, in which if you make it through to the finals, they pay for professional studio recording time of the song that you submitted. I sent over my lyrics for a song I wrote called Me Minus You - very funk inspired because we were listening to a bit of Kool and the Gang and Wild Cherry at that time. It’s another song set in a party, flirting at a party, etc. etc.

Anyway, after a few weeks, I got physical mail that the song made it through to the finals. I put down everybody’s name as well, even though they didn’t write the lyrics, but I knew that if we were to make it through to the finals they would all have significant input on the musical composition.

So, this is Me Minus You, written on the 31st of May 2009.

090531 Me Minus You

I have grown accustomed to the beatMy body could never admit defeatI’ve taken time to turn you onTonight I won’t be going homeSo, mama leave that spare key out for meNow here’s your chance to take my hand and leaveIn the morning the daylight won’t mean a thingCause we’ve introduced and talked and laughedAnd somehow we land on the bedBut sorry this is just a tad too fast

Dance, yeah that’s my man the lead singer of the bandDance, yeah that’s my boo there with the high heel shoes

Hey listen babe you won’t believe what I heardSo saddle up and let the disco burnSimple arithmetic that you need to learnMe minus you equals the end of the world

If this night were a movie it would be a true romanceYou’ve got more than just a cameo, want you and I to lastSo, take a moment to take a chanceDon’t want another one night standMake up your mind so you can catch a breath

I catch your arm and stare into your eyes so deepLet’s dance our way through this intense heatLose your mind to this insane grooveAnd feel the bass line as we moveUnderneath the neon beamsThe flashing lights like in my dreamsAnd when it’s over we’ll hit the carLeave Jack, Jim and Johnny at the bar

The title/hook of “me minus you equals the end of the world” is a reference to when people tell you that the world’s not gonna end if you’re not with this person. And because I’m very dramatic, I always feel like my world’s going to end when something doesn’t work out the way I want it to. I then wanted to play around that idea. Same kind of vibe that Nancy Sinatra’s ‘End of the World’ had where in the chorus she says … “Why does my heart keep on beating?” - “Don’t they know it’s the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye”. It’s a great song and a great point of view to write from especially when you are a hopeless romantic like myself.

Me Minus You was recorded at The Kitchen Studios which was on a corner of the Greenlane roundabout. It was a janky little someone’s house and their home studio equipment in their literal kitchen. It was one of our music teacher’s friend’s studio - Mr. Strathdee who I mentioned earlier. He was still part-time teaching at our school at that time. So, he recommended his mate’s home studio to us. Unfortunately, The Kitchen Studios is not there anymore. That place was actually f****n cool. That roundabout corner is now some lame used car sales lot.

Now, just because The Mantis was in full effect in 2009, it didn’t mean that Antoinette and I had stopped writing together. This was a song we wrote called Unco and Uncool on the 7th of October 2009.

It was first inspired by some kinda crush Antoinette had on a guy and how she felt quote-unquote unco around him. Uncoordinated, awkard and embarassing. And I was like girl, everyone feels stupid and flustered around people they have a little thing for. So, I started writing away some lines. And as for the music, Antoinette just said she wanted the Dm7 chord on it, so I somehow centred finding a chord progression for it around that one chord that she specifically requested. Here it is.

091007 Unco and Uncool

You’re making this all harderI’ve got to keep myself togetherBut you’re goodYou’re always composedControlled at the mostAnd nothing compares to your grace

That’s why I love youThat’s why I careThat’s why I’m always here with you I swear

Nothing beats perfection when you’re fierce and litheI’m unco and uncool when you’re by my sideYou’re the epitome of a calm stormy seaI’m unco and uncool when you’re standing next to me

My apologiesIf it my seem to youThat I’ve fallenYou’re true to yourselfBut I’m someone elseWhen you’re around

That’s why I love youThat’s why I careThat’s why I’m poised only when you’re not there

You’re artistic, athleticAnd you believe in magicIf it does existThen I’ll be at my bestYou’re subtle and tastefulBut this world is cruelI’m unco and uncoolAnd you’re just so smooth

That’s why I love youThat’s why I careThat’s why I’m poised only when you’re not there

The next couple songs I’m going to play are clips of a video that was taken of The Mantis during a little lunchtime showcase we held for our year on the very last week of school as a farewell. It was shot by Ashlynn, one of my best friends from school, who was at the time going out with our bassist Junior. Ashlynn and I had been friends since we were very young from primary school, I think maybe 9 years old. You’ll hear her crying in this video while she’s shakily trying to film us.

In this video, we play a song called Chillin with the 1st XV which was the second song we entered for Rockquest. It was written on the 9th of May 2009 about one of Antoinette’s experiences with having a thing with one of the 1st XV guys (won’t name who). It was also a nice song about the beautiful friendship we had made with the boys of The Mantis in this last year. There were a few gigs of ours on the weekends that they would always be coming straight from their rugby games, so they’d always be wearing some kind of school uniform or their 1st XV sports jackets. It had a bit of a School of Rock thing going on and I felt like Jack Black.

And the other and final song in this episode is a song that we wrote specifically dedicated to our 2009 class mates. I wrote the lyrics and the boys did the vocal arrangements, which sounded so beautiful. There are no drums in the song so Fasa plays the keys instead and Junior is on vocals instead of bass. Mikaele isn’t in this video because he dropped out by then. It is called Goodbye, written on the 3rd of November 2009.

090509 Chillin' with the 1st XV

I was walking ‘round the corner the other dayI stopped and stared at the skyI saw your face in every cloudI got the message clear and loudNow every time you’re near me my mind goes blankAnd I don’t know how to sayThat I love you in every possible way

Well we were sitting on the bankWatching mud crazed boysShe says she loves him way too muchAnd she just can’t let him goBut when he looks her in the eyesShe knows exactly what she meansHe don’t gotta say a word to meSo I’m just chillin’ with the first XV

Crying, mourning, reaching out for faith I cannot holdMaybe if you lead they’ll followAt least I know where I’ll fallAnd I’m so glad I found you girlTell me it was meant to beI’ve searched for you under every rockAnd across the seven seas

091103 Goodbye

Do you rememberWe’d wait and wonderWhat it’s like to be the lastNow our time’s gone by too fastAnd as we sing our last melodyYou shed a tear but I just smileThe pain endured was all worth while

Do you rememberWe’d stick togetherThrough the troubles, through the laughterThrough the sunshine and stormy weatherAnd when we leave the best memoriesWill stay with us cause we both knowWe won’t have the heart to let them go

And I wanna thank you forOpening up my eyes to a whole new worldDon’t you cry my friendWe’ve made it to the endWe’re starting a new lifeI promise you’ll be just fineBut for now goodbye

Wow, this has been the longest episode I’ve done so far! So, thank you for listening to episode 15 of Every Song. Until Next Time.

[More memories…]

This first song, is a song that I wrote as a poem initially but I eventually slapped it onto some melody. The poem was inspired by my friendship with the bro, Brian, who I met at music school. He was a bassist and he and I had bonded over the years over our mental health issues and love for music obviously.

[Video below: Brian & I getting pissed after his gig at Kings Arms Tavern, 2018]

He now lives with his beautiful missus and kids over in Dunedin. Also, he owes me 5 bucks still.

This is If I Die First.

181219 If I Die First

Wild as a flowerTame as a lionAs useful as words are to the one who is cryingMetre by metreThe walls, they are cavingBut, alas, salty tears, a way it is pavingFor hearts like oursBeaten and shatteredTo find in the worldAnother that’s battered

Together we hurtAnd together we’ll healAs the glamour of pain slowly loses appealFor it’s not in the sunshineWe find better daysRather, the darkness that indulges the craveWell, that same ray of lightWith rain as helping handIs what makes forests growAnd conquer the land

And if I die firstI’d tell the angels all about you

If I Die First was written on the 19th of December 2018.

I have some bonus content for today, as well. I’m going to play an old video clip of Brian and I playing a cover of Kimbra’s Simply On My Lips. This would have been in 2014 or 2015. I can’t quite remember which year but I’m pretty sure it was in the summertime around then.

2014/2015 Simply on My Lips - Kimbra cover

The next and final song for today is one quite special to me. It is called Houses.

As you would have heard a couple of episodes ago, especially from the song called Homeless, I had some viceral internal emotional discomfort around my living arrangement basically throughout my whole childhood and onto my twenties. I just didn’t vibe well with the people who raised me and I have always known, ever since I was very young, that their values and philosophies in life contradicted mine. So, naturally, for years I would fantasise about the kind of home that I would like to build for myself, my future family, and the friends and community that I would have. I yearned for this so badly that I started having recurring dreams about this home in different versions. I would try, in my waking life, drawing it, but it I absolutely suck at drawing so I can never really show people what these houses looked like. Instead, I wrote this song about it.

190130 Houses

I see houses when I sleepOnes I’m sure that I’ve lived inThere’s a room behind the wallAnd the doors are ten feet tallChandeliers and candelabrasA grave of eucalyptusSkeletons in kitchen cupboardsMinding their own business

I’ll show you where to lookBut never what to seeTrust you’ve got a home in me

There’s enough room for my familyGuess yours could live there tooMay be haunted but we’re braveEvery Friday, throw a raveI invite my old friends overIn spite of the misnomerThey still call me by my birth nameHeart to hearts on window panes

In my father’s house there are many roomsIf it were not so would I have told youIn my father’s house there are many roomsIf it were not so would I have told youIn my father’s house there are many roomsIf it were not so would I have told youIn my father’s house there are many roomsIf it were not so would I have told you

Houses was written on the 30th of January 2019.

The first verse in this describes the home a little bit: with cool secret rooms, big doors, eucalyptus trees. Well, the eucalyptus tree is in reference to when I had a miscarraige when I was 21. I wanted to burry the fetus under a eucalyptus plant that would eventually maybe become a tree one day. But I never got around to doing that. And mentioning it here in my fantasy house song, is my way of saying I wish I would have done that.

The second verse goes into what I would like to have going on in the home. A home where extended family and friends, and even family members of friends are welcome, no questions asked, no one goes a night without a roof over their head- unlike the house I grew up in. Visitors always had to be announced and judged. I also sing about having a celebration every weekend in my home, because I was never allowed to have proper parties at home growing up. I also mention in the song, even inviting childhood friends who still call me by my birthname. Because now, I go by a different name.

In the bridge, I reference John 14:2 as a cheeky little poke at how even though the people who raised me were supposed to have Christian values, said values and spirit were not always generously extended, especially not to those who they judged as unworthy to recieve it.

This is a song that helped me release a lot of my feelings around my experience with growing up in a home that I felt I did not belong in. This song is also a commitment to the kind of home I am building for myself and my loved ones now and into the future.

Thank you for listening to episode 14 of Every Song. Until next time.

Today is the 18th of August 2025. Meaning, it is my 34th birthday today!

I started tossing up the idea of writing music over twenty years ago, and here I am now, just playing to the void in my little corner of the internet. I am mainly doing this to get it all out of my songbooks and onto soundwaves. Because what good are songs if they are just sitting on paper and not making their way through someone’s ears?

My songbooks were a mess for the last few years when I stopped taking music seriously. Whenever I would write—whenever I would write songs, at least— they would be in fragments, unfinished, and I would write maybe only one or two songs a year. As opposed to when I was younger, I would write a half dozen or so within just a few months, as you can tell with how many I’m playing from the early 2000’s and not so much in the 20-teens. I will eventually get to my songs nearing these years, but I plan on playing them all in batches of the situational life contexts they were based on because they make sense that way. Unlike a lot of my early songs that were mostly songwriting exercises as I was just learning to write. I’ll get through these for now, and play you all the hard-hitting stuff soon.

But let’s start with this. This is a song called Gloriavale, written on the 26th of May 2020. I wrote this in the last year and a bit of my twenties and had started to feel some typa way about turning thirty within the next year. During this time, there were also a few documentaries and books out on this creepy Christian cult here in New Zealand called Gloriavale, where a lot of the factors of aging were gendered.

As per usual, in any Christian sect, being born with a uterus and vagina meant that your existence centred around reproductive labour: both biologically and within the home and community. I express a few of my thoughts on aging and what it means to age as a woman in a traditional sense in this song.

This is also the only song I’m going to play for today. So, enjoy.

200526 Gloriavale

I’m scared to sing because I hate the truthThat every second drinks from my youthFountaining childhood and mountainous laughterAll of which could be a wondrous disaster

This vale hails Gloria, no longer servingAs a symbol of prudence, my thoughts are worldlyRid the reign, drain the riversBe still the spine that shiversGloria, Gloria

If I say I need you just know I don’tI’m still unlearning all I’ve been taughtAbout being financially dependent on menI’ll be dead before I take his name

They say victory is sweetBut only while one’s breast and ribs don’t meetThe worms they waitThey salivateI always think I want to dieBut really I would just like to start livingAnd start believingIn anything

Thank you for listening to episide 13 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here is a song I wrote on the 8th of October 2010. It’s about thinking a significant other in one’s life is some kind of blessing from the heavens. This song also takes from the common experience of meeting someone you feel like you’ve known in a life before. It is called Be a Blessing.

101008 Be a Blessing

Let us meet each other again and againJust to see if the experience would be the sameI’m so sure that I knew you in the past lifeBut even so every time you kiss my handIt feels like the first time

Now that I’ve seen such wonder I’m never letting goWhen everything falls apart, I’m holding onto you the mostIt’s as easy as breathing, everything with you comes naturallyWhat if you were my man and I was your lady?

Knowing somebody has never been so effortlessHow could it get any better than this?And if we should ever find ourselves falling in loveAt least we’d know that it’d be a blessing from above

We both believe there’s a higher power at workHe set two fools to find each other on this earthThey’d walk alone for years and get lost along the driveBut when they finally collide, all things flawed shall subside

Ooh, we’re movingWe’re moving alongI’ve found where I belongWe’ve made a right out of two wrongsNever before has it hit me this strong

This next song is titled Homeless, written on the 12th of January 2012. Ever heard of that saying, “Living with your parents is free but it will cost you your mental health”? Yeah, this song is basically on that vibe.

Trigger warning: there are suicidal themes in this song.

120112 Homeless

Send me an angel godOr you can take my lifeCause I don’t deserve every breathYou’ve breathed into my lungsThey’ve taught me not to fightAnd to give up the nightThey’ve scared me out of my home

I just don’t see the light any moreI’ve knocked on every single locked black door

But my heart’s still homeless after allHere I am still broken after the fallOh my my my, here it goes againSay hello to all my fair-weathered friendsBut my heart’s still homeless in the end

You show me libertyIn the form of threeLove and friendshipAnd truth over a cup of teaBut there’s the two where I resideWho’s clipped my wings so I don’t flyTo where I’m destined to die

Oh my LordTake me homeAll I want is to be with youOh my LordMy reasons are goneIs there more to life or am I done?

Thank you for listening to episode 12 of Every Song. Until next time.

It is winter time in this side of the world. Meaning it’s time for every millennial girl’s annual Twilight marathon. When the Twilight franchise was being released I was full force Team Jacob. I was obsessed. So obsessed that I even wrote this delusional song about meeting him one day and falling in love. I was 17 when I wrote this, so it’s very Hannah Montana-esque. And also, now that I look at the lyrics, it’s dawning on me that this is probably what they have labelled these days as a “parasocial relationship”. Thank goodness being Team Jacob was just a phase… because now I’m Team Edward. No, I’m just kidding. Every man in Twilight was problematic. Except for Carlisle actually.

This is a song called Mr. Taylor, written on the 3rd of January 2009.

090103 Mr. Taylor

Going far, superstarWe live in two separate worldsAnd I’m just average girlCan’t believe how I feelWhenever I see your face on the TV screenWhat a shame we’ve never metThis ain’t the first time I’m saying out loudSome things I’ll regretLater on, ooh I knowThat we were meant to beJust give me a chance to dream

Mr. Taylor, you’re so fineYou’ll see one day you will be mineMr. Taylor, you’re looking goodSo, I’ll be making my way down to see you in Hollywood

Complications and the motivationYou’ve given me a new inspirationAnd I know what’s bestGot my gat on my back and heading north westSo, you see I’m on my wayNeed to satisfy this latest craveOoh I know, ooh I knowThat we were meant to beJust give me a chance to dream

He’s so hot, he’s like fireAnd his flame’s just getting brighter and brighterHot like the sun up aboveI can’t help myselfI’m just so starstruck

I’ll see you in the streetsI’ll see you on Sunset BoulevardI’ll see you in my dreamsI’ll see you very soonI’ll see you in Hollywood

Twilight has a very very very special place in my heart. It was in its peak when I was a teenage girl, so naturally it had a lot to do with how I perceived love and soulmates and formed a lot of my expectations around it.

Of course, these days, that has changed. Now, in my adulthood, I do acknowledge that soulmates come in so many different manifestations of people around you that you have a connection with. A lot of times soulmates are your best friends.

This next song is one I wrote for and about my best friends. It was particularly inspired by a couple of times I hung out with my friends the summer of 2008, when school was out. Once when I hung out with my mates Lucille and Kevin, and I had such a good time that there came from it a little seed of inspiration that I should write something dedicated to my beautiful friendships.

But I sat on that idea for a while and didn’t do anything about it, until I spent time with another couple of my friends Antoinette and Fiso. Antoinette was a guitarist and she and I were in bands together. So, after one hang-out session with her outside of school, in the summer, I was definitely inspired. She inspired me a lot. And Fiso was a friend of ours who has sadly passed away since then. So, whenever I sing this song, I send so much love to him out there.

This is called Summer Summer, written on the 23rd of November 2008.

081123 Summer Summer

Just because the rain is pouringDoesn’t mean we gotta stop exploringThe never-ending possibilitiesWhenever you’re hanging ‘round with me

I can’t help but wonderIf there’s another place I belong inSo, I’m just stuck in this roomTrying to write this song and

I can’t complain cause I’ve got youAin’t no other, never betterThere’s no place I’d rather beThan sitting here with you next to meSummer, summer make hasteDon’t you waste my timeI don’t got time to wasteIn the first place, I’m tryna replaceThe warmth from winter’s last embrace

I know this guy who don’t know how to apologiseHe don’t know how to treat me rightBut now that he’s out of my lifeI’m starting freshBut not all by myselfI’m going out with my best friendsAnd we’re gonna have fun, oh yeah

Thank you for listening to episode 11 of Every Song. Until next time.

Here is a song about someone who had an incredibly unhealthy attachment style. He did everything he could to place the responsibility of his emotions and actions onto whoever he had formed a romantic connection with (even if it was forced). And a quick survey at the time revealed that I was about the third girl, that I knew of in our inner and outer circle, that he had done this to. I’ll go into more of the story after I play the song. It’s titled Patch Up a Friendship, written on the 1st of September 2008.

080901 Patch Up a Friendship

A boy with a gun’s just as dangerousAs a boy with a heartAnd all of these parallel linesAre invisible to the story of our livesHe has a guardian angelThat don’t say a wordShe controls the swinging of his moodEven though she’s just a girl

And I’m trying to make it rightTrying to make it through the nightTrying to find my way back homeBut I can’t cause hope is gone

I’m trying to learn how to patch up a friendshipBut nothing ever goes as it’s plannedAnd once I learn how to cry on a shoulderThen I’ll admit I need a handI’m trying to learn how to patch up a friendshipBut how can I help if I’m down on the groundSo, before I learn how to cry on a shoulderI’d have to accept your helping hand

Talking ‘bout bliss as we wishedFor all the memories to leave our dreamsWondering if joy would start to mean nothingIf we just felt it on a daily basisIf the sunshine don’t light up your smiling faceHe was lost in a foreign old townBut you helped him find a way out

Patch Up a Friendship was written at a time when I had just ended a situationship between myself and someone with whom I had mutual friends with. I had a very close friend group and he was part of a different friend group who would sometimes hang out with mine. Interestingly, I actually had an incredible distaste for this guy years prior to us having something going on —as in I could not stand this dude. However, I think we somehow connected because his friends were friends with a few of mine. And also because one of his close friends started dating my best friend. So, naturally we all just ended up in the same hangouts and parties from time to time. After I ended the situation, this guy was out here threatening to off himself and being super moody and dramatic in every party and drink-up we had. He did all this specifically to make me feel guilty for ending it. A lot of our mutual friends thought that I was heartless. But if they only really knew that I ended things because he had very toxic ideals of emotional regulation between two people who were just supposed to be getting to know each other. Turns out my initial gut feeling of something not sitting right with this guy was correct. And honestly speaking, it was a little terrifying ending things with someone who was a little unstable and had influence over how our friends would perceive me. Of course my close friends didn’t abandon me at the time and trusted that I may have had good reason, but from then on, I could sometimes see them cringing or side-eyeing whenever we would talk about my romantic situations with other guys because they had started to see me as a cold hard b***h. And for a while I just rode that wave. Because who would believe the girl in this context, right? So, I wrote this song bearing that guilt, wondering if things between our circles would settle down. I never spoke to this guy in a friendly way ever again but I kept cordial and avoided him in many social gatherings for years after that.

This next song is called Someone Understands, from 2009.

091027 Someone Understands

My life is crashing downBut you’ve kept me safe and sound in your armsYou’re disappearingAnd I’ve got noone to talk to anymoreYou’ve cut me to the core

And I’ve known what it’s likeTo be alone every night

Until you cameYou broke through these four wallsAnd rebuilt all the bridgesJust to show me all this loving still existsBut I’m still chained to believingThat this world in which we live inIs empty, I know I amBut you showed me someone out there gives a damn/understands

I think I’m falling in loveBut I don’t wanna sayCause I don’t want to cry once you make your wayThe touch of your hand and a forward leanPlease don’t just kiss then leave

Someone Understands was written on the 27th of October 2009, as a simple songwriting exercise. So, nothing of personal note in that one.

The last song for today is Paranoid, written on the 27th of May 2010. This was a song that I had a lot of fun writing lyrics for because since it’s about feeling paranoid and confused and not really knowing how to differentiate between my genuine feelings and just my butterflies, I was able to write lines that would contradict each other. A nd go any which way I wanted to with this one. I didn’t have to stick to just the one feeling that I needed to portray. You’ll see what I mean…

100527 Paranoid

Put your hand in mine and I’llShow you what you’ve been missing your whole lifeYou look at me and I’m smittenAnd my eyes tell you what I could have never said out loudI’m falling fast, so fast for youHave come to set me free and brighten up my bluesI’d rather take the long way homeAs long as you’re with meAnd I won’t have to be alone

Oh I, I’ve never felt so aliveI’ve never seen myself this calm beforeI’ve never been so alertI’ve become so paranoid

My heart’s been dormant for some timeBut you smile and waking up was all worth whileWe part but your words lingerIn my head, you got me wrapped around your fingerAnd half my friends believe that you’re a keeperAnd the other half say all they see is dangerMaybe so, I don’t know, I’m going with the flowI wanna roll with youDon’t wanna ride solo no more

How is this even possibleThis feeling’s so incredibleI’m cool, calm and collectedBut at the same time I’m apprehensiveI’m in harmony whenever you’re with meBut when you’re next to me, I feel so uneasyI’m confused but I know exactly what I wantCupid’s got me but his arrow was just too blunt

Oh you should ready for the time of your lifeCause I know no fear when you’re aroundI’ve never been at peace beforeI’ve become so paranoidAnd it’s all because of you

It’s all because I’ve become so paranoid

Thank you for listening to episode 10 of Every Song. Until next time.

This is a song called Where’s Your Friend, from 2009. It’s a cheeky little song about how I used to ask my friends to introduce me to someone who they were friends with who I thought was really cute. This song was originally written, unseriously, on a janky little Yamaha keyboard with its synthesiser and drum loop features - and did originally have a funky little reggae bounce to it. I, unfortunately, didn’t save what the instrumental sounded like on that keyboard years ago, but I tried to re-arrange—or arrange—some kind of guitar accompaniment to it with its basic chords, just so I can sing over it today. And while you’re listening to me play this, just imagine the background music much sillier sounding, imagine the sounds of Gene Belcher’s keyboard with synth and drum loops.

090825 Where's Your Friend

I always want what I can’t haveOh, I want you but that’s just too badYou make me smile like of my GodYou made me realise that I am not enoughYou pass me by like I’m invisibleBut that’s okay cause I’m incomprehensibleI never catch you staring at me butYou have swept me off my feet

You’ve got your girlfriendI heard she dances and looks like a model andYou got eight other ladies waiting in lineSo, I suppose I’ll just stand here and be the ninth

Why hello there good lookingI cannot get you out of my peripheryI’ve got a personal radar just for youBut you don’t have a clue whoI am or what you’re doing to meSo, then I asked your friend,“Hey where’s your friend that I wanna be friends with?”

I’ll never have the nerve to talk to youSpontaneously, out of the blueSo, I make small talk with your BFFAnd find out which lucky girl is nextI don’t feel right all alone tonightBut let me tell you boy, you’re outta sightJust notice me and take my handAll you’ll need is one short glance

As far as I’m concerned, I’m not concerned about your girlAnd a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta doSo, let us have a secret rendezvousYou must not tell the missusOr you will miss out on my kissesJust try me onI won’t let you down for sure

Where’s Your Friend was written on the 25th of August 2009.

The second song for today is titled, Hello, My Name Is.

101002 Hello, My Name Is

Last night I wrote a duet for you and IEven though you don’t singI’ll just imagine it in my headLast night I dreamt about what we could have beenIf I wasn’t so stupid and let you goBut I think for now I should let you know that

I’m done with not even botheringAnd not showing that I careSo, baby bewareBecause

I can be generous when I want to beI’ll give you everything and moreThan you will ever even needSo, brace yourself cause baby you’re about to meetThe side of me that wants to pleaseEvery fibre of your beingHello, my name is

Today I’m gonna look in your direction and wink at youCause I know no matter what I doThe message still won’t go throughToday I might consider flashing you a smileOr even waving hiI wish I could just press rewind

Shy, shy, shyDon’t know why, why, whyEvery time I walk on byAll I ever do is hideI’m so shy, shy, shyAnd you’re just my type of guyI wish I could show you the real me insideAnd maybe then you’d know that I

Hello, My Name Is was completed on the 2nd of October 2010. Although I believe I began working on it at least four years prior. The song title was actually inspired by those little stickers that you would write your name on and put on your shirt —well, the title and the concept of the song. The thing is, we wore them [the stickers] a lot for our youth group events and things like that. And my friend, Peter, one day says something along the lines of, “Hmn, Hello my name is would be a pretty cool song name,” or “Wouldn’t it be cool if there was a song called Hello my name is”, something like that. I kinda took that as a challenge and ran with it.

So, I centred the song on the idea of introducing oneself, obviously, but because whenever we would wear them for youth group, it would always be when we were around people who already knew us. And the concept of re-introducing oneself was in my mind for some years and I had some lines written around it since the early 2000’s but I didn’t finish it until 2010.

The last song for today is called, Love Me Like You Should, written on the 11th of February 2011.

110211 Love Me Like You Should

I used to have a planI used to have a dreamI used to have you before you left meI used to have it allUsed to have a ballEvery single dayI used to be happyBut then you went awayI couldn’t make you stayYou didn’t even listenPaid no attentionSo now I don’t know whereMy heart isTell me thisPlease clarify and only thenYou are dismissed

Did you burn our bridges down to the groundCause you knew that it would kill me without

But I still don’t understandHow you could give up so easilyWhy walking away came to youSo damn naturallyAnd I still don’t understandHow you could do me wrongThe way you didRather be bad without you than goodSo, just come back to love me like you should

I used to be a messI used to be so stressedI used to only dress up to impress youBut then you got possessedBy somebody elseWho looked exactly like my boyfriendSo, we became depressedGot too obsessedOur love was put to the testBut we always reassessedBecause that’s what we do best

Honey, I insistYou are greatly missed

But I still don’t understandHow you could give up so easilyWhy walking away came to youSo damn naturallyAnd I still don’t understandHow you could do me wrongThe way you didRather be bad without you than goodConfused and misunderstoodJust hurry backAnd love me like you should

Thank you for listening to episode 9 of Every Song. Until next time.

Today is going to be a short episode because I am only going to be playing two songs and I don’t really have much to say about them. Well, aside from that were both written was I was 14 years old. These songs were not just songwriting exercises to me—they were actually pulled from my real life and real feelings. This first one is called Like Your Girl, from 2006.

060118 Like Your Girl

There is no you, there is no usI’m still recoveringFrom the fact that our time was so brilliantNow you’re not anything to meBut you’re everything to herBet you’re thinking I’m nothing like your girl

She’s the oneI can feel it, she’s the one for youShe’s the oneCause she doesn’t bleed like I doThough you’ve taught me a lesson, a thing or twoOn how to kick away my almighty bluesShe’s the oneShe’s the girl in/of your dreamsShe messes me up, I’m unclean

It took you awhile to realiseThat it was me you were looking atWell it took me awhile to put my act togetherAnd not turn my backOnly if we weren’t mistaken, we wereOnly if I was everything like your girlCause her eyes were so mysteriously blueAnd nothing’s blonder than her psychedelic doOnly if we weren’t mistake we wereOnly if I was everything like your girl

Start on a brand new day with your fingers crossedOnly you can make me feel this wayNobody else doesOpen your eyes, pull the triggerGrab my hand, this will make you slitherHard to believe that you’re in love with meWhen I’m nothing like your girl

Like Your Girl was written on the 18th of January 2006. I wrote it when I had a crush on a friend who already had a girlfriend. But it wasn’t that big a deal because I didn’t see him that much and he didn’t even go to the same school as me. And I just left it at that. We remained friends for some years after but we obviously have lost contact throughout the years as an adult.

Anyway, this song and the next one is still in its original format, lyrically and musically. Everything is basically untouched. Except for, sometimes I sing it higher or lower but I believe that one is in its original key.

Okay, this song next and the last one for today is titled, Lover’s Factory, written on the 7th of September 2005. It is about feeling like an NPC in someone’s world.

050907 Lover's Factory

You look at me the same wayYou look at other peopleYou walk and I watchI watch and I wonderIf I ever cross your mindYou drive me too wildEven when you’re just saying a little highYou don’t have a clueNo, I swearYou don’t have a clue

People are peopleStop treating me this wayWell I’m just a personWho sways with the wavesI’m living in your worldAnd you don’t know what you’re doing to meBut I’m just a girlIn your lover’s factory

So, if I asked youWould you love me tomorrowSo, if I ignored youWould you notice at allYou make me stand so tall, so tallThat I’m feeling lower than the groundSix feet underground

Do I look like I’m running awayDo I seem like I’m breaking downThis is the seetheringStill you don’t know what you’re doing to meSo, do I look like I’m running away, away, away

Thank you for listening to episode 8 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song for today is called Giving Feels Good from 2007. This is another one that was written with the intention of playing it with a band. So, just imagine it much fuller, heavier, and funner than just these two layers that I play.

070422 Giving Feels Good

It’s been too long nowI really need to move onI’ve been running ‘round in circlesGotta face the fact that you’re goneAnd even though that’s the caseYou still can’t make me cryCause I’m starting out a new phase in my lifeAnd I’ll be doing just fine

I’m turning my back to walk awayBurning riches to be yearningCause there’s a price to pay (for)

Pretending, swearingThe never-ending bendingOver, stonerDo you really love herMaybe, babyI just got too carriedAway, so stayCause baby giving feels goodBut taking feels so much better

We’re too close to quitWe’re too far from itMaybe I should just pack my bags and leaveIt’s the end of you and meAnd even though that’s the caseWe’ve still got to waitIt’s always been give and takeWe’ve got to fix it now before it’s too late

Giving Feels Good was written on the 22nd of April 2007 as a writing exercise. The second verse of this, actually, is from a seperate song I was writing at the time but didn’t go anywhere, so I just repurposed the lyrics and put it in this one. To my ears, the phrasing is still a bit awkward because it sounds like some kind of mash-up to me, knowing they were supposed to be two different songs.

Now, the next couple of songs I’m going to play in this episode, as well as many of the songs I’m going to play for the rest of the series, I feel needs an explanation regarding its dramaticism or just how dramatic I sound in my music in general, honestly. In the early 2000’s I was listening to a lot of power ballads from glam rock bands and pop and rnb divas. So, a lot of my musicality and lyrics are, what I would unapologetically label as, “corny”. Because they are. A lot of my songs from these years were heavily influenced by super-dramatic, theatric and slightly humorous rock acts like Meat Loaf, Mötley Crue, Roxette, Aerosmith.

My music was especially heavily influenced by The Darkness because my guitarist put me on them. So, a lot of the lyrics and phrasing and imagining of my songs have the intended outcome of sounding like a rock ballad.

At the same time, my vocal performance and delivery was influenced by the divas like Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion.

You’ll hear that hybrid influence in a lot of my ballads throughout this series. That being said, this next song is called You’re No Good For Me written on the 27th of November 2008.

081127 You're No Good For Me

Today I realised that we’re not going anywhereThis is the end of the roadAnd this is the end of the gameThat we’ve played for too long now

And there’s no use in pretendingI don’t want to hurt againThere’s nobody by your sideOh don’t act so surprised

Oh I’m not waiting anymoreI’m opening another doorTo a better life without youOh I’ve learnt how to say noNow I’ll be letting you goCause you’re no good for me

You’ve had too much too manyLast chances, only left me broken heartedI’ve gone crazy for youBut now it’s time for me to get sanity backAnd brighten up the black

There’s only five minutes leftTo finish what I have to saySo you can bet that by midnightYou’ll be erased from my mindAnd not even this melodyCould bring back the memoriesBut even when you’re gone awayI know the pain will remain

The last song for today, still in the power ballad vibe, is titled Don’t Leave Me written on the 19th of July 2009.

090719 Don’t Leave Me

Where there’s love, I find your smiling faceWhere the skies are blue, I know I’m home againSo here’s the truth, I’ll never make it without youSo please don’t leave me tonightAnd I know this feeling that I feelWill disappear as soon as you walk out of hereSo I’m telling you now before you goI’ll never make it on my ownSo please don’t leave me alone

With every heart broken and every word spokenComes a memory that lastsAnd I’m certain, I am sure that I won’t forget your loveI know that in time you’ll move onI just find it hard to breathe when you’re goneI will drown in misery until you come again

When my mind is back on the right trackI will run and never look back at the memoriesWill you make it without me?Please don’t leave me tonightAnd I hope all this loving that I giveWon’t make a scene, it’s just how it’s always beenBaby I can waitAnd you know that I will playEvery single game you want me toI’d do most anything for you

When you’re feeling downYou can turn aroundYou can count on meTo keep you companyI will be here whenYou change your mind againWith arms wide openMy love for you would never end

Thank you for listening to episode 7 of Every Song. Until next time.

The first song I’m going to play today is called Beautiful Eden from 2007. It is another song that was written with an imagined band playing along with me, so for this rendition, it is obviously just going to be my vocals and an electric guitar with my little solo.

071203 Beautiful Eden

You’re broken heartedWhatchu gon’ do about itI’m out of adviseSo, pick yourself up this timeI’m still believingThat there’s a chance for you and meMy heart’s deceivin’Beautiful Eden

Oh, oh, oh beautiful EdenOh, oh, oh when am I gonna get outOh, oh, of beautiful EdenOh, oh, whoa

I’m out of controlSince I’ve been flying soloApparently I’m crazyThat’s what the people tell meI’m still seeingThe same old stupid visionMy heart is still inBeautiful Eden

Beautiful Eden was written on the 3rd of December 2007. It is about feeling stuck somewhere that is traditionally revered as a paradise, in irony. Hence, the reference to the garden of Eden and cursing and screaming at the sky when I can get out of there.

Additionally, it is also referring to one other “Eden”: Mt. Eden of Tāmaki Makaurau. I wrote this song about a year after a specific romantic connection with someone had ended and I was still feeling some type of way about it. The last time I saw this person, when I was 15, we walked around Mt. Eden, on the way to his dad’s house. And for a while, everytime I went past the area, I would be reminded of that time with him. I kept wondering to myself when I would get over it and just see these roads for what they were… just main arterial coridors that is naturally going to be used as a transportation route for the rest of my time living in the city. Well, nowadays, almost 20 years after writing this song, that is how I feel about it. I had finally mentally and emotionally escaped from that phase, a very long time ago obviously.

Funnily enough, I am now, as an adult, elected into this local government area here, in Mt. Eden.

Okay, moving along. This next song is called Enough for Now from 2009.

090905 Enough for Now

We were magicIt was tragicI can’t believe I’m all nostalgicYou were too good to be trueSo I ran away from youI wish I hadn’t cause now I’m hurtingLike you just cannot imagineI didn’t mean to lead a lonely lifeBut without you I am blind

I wish I were famousWith more chances of finding youYou would see my name in lightsAnd think about those crazy nightsWe spent together that NovemberI really need to get over this insane obsessionAbout losing my directionAnd I’m so glad I ever met you

I wonder how you areSo I wish upon that starMay your heart be filled with love that might not be mineBut someone else’s who can give you enough for now

Sooner or later I’ll forgetMy memory won’t serve me it’s bestEngrave it on me, be my guestAnd on that I will place my betYour face is fading from my mineOnly cause you haven’t been in mylifeFor at least three years nowBut I’m still falling down, down

Enough for Now was written on the 5th of September 2009 and is about the same person that Beautiful Eden is written about. Yes, I used that situation as inspiration for years in my songwriting, as I explained in episode 4 because… both of these songs are under the category of “Songs about X”. Actually, a couple of the other songs from the last episode are too, Get Over You and Blind Eye.

These songs or any song about or inspired by that situation aren’t necessarily literal retellings of what happened, nor are they literal expressions of my feelings for that person. They are just mere products of being inspired by that event. I had to keep my imagination fresh somehow because oftentimes I would have an idea for a vocal melody or a song vibe or a chord progression that I wanted to experiment with or compose, musically, but would have no new source of life experience to draw lyrics from. So, I would just keep going back to this thing. I do this even to this day and it works really well as a songwriting exercise and also as a way of releasing some internal tension that, sometimes, I didn’t even know I still had - and I’m all the more better for getting it out of me and onto paper.

Thank you for listening to episode 6 of Every Song. Until next time.

Please excuse my voice today. I have been sick for the last week that I’ve been recording this series. My voice is not this low normally, in real life. I’ve just been fighting off a cold and living off hot toddies for the last few days - and I feel like s**t.

So, there is only one song I’m going to play in this episode — and then I’m just yapping for the rest of the time. Let’s get into it, this one is called There’s Nothing to Say from 2006.

061117 There's Nothing to Say

Don’t say there’s no point cause baby I’m keeping scoreI’m not demanding a move from you, I just thought I’d let you knowThey say that it’s still gonna work but I’m not really sureThey say that I should get someone to keep an eye on you

But I am not that clingyThough I am that depressedAbout hearing that you’re leavingIt’s still called abandonmentSo tell me that you want meTell me that you’ll stayTell me it won’t be foreverUntil we meet again

I’m hoping that this momentWill last forever moreCause I know that you will be goneAnd I’ll be left aloneThere’s nothing in my pocketNothing in my headSunburn in my heartAnd your hand in my hand

Show me something differentShow me something moreIt has got to be youTo get me off the floorSo when all this is overWill you remember meAnd the time we spent togetherWould you believe

Would you even miss me

But I am not that clingyThough I am that depressedAbout hearing that you’re leavingIt’s still called abandonmentSo tell me that you love meAnd for that you will stay

There’s nothing to sayOh ___, there’s nothing to say

There’s Nothing to Say was written on the 17th of November 2006.

This song marked the beginning of a songwriting practise that I still use today: taking one brief instance of emotional discomfort and wringing it dry for artistic inspiration. This could be within a context where a romantic connection was made for like two weeks, for example, but my feelings ran so deep within that short timespan that I would need to release all of it onto song and rhyme - every last drop, no matter how many songs would come out of that. It didn’t matter if I was saying the same thing over and over again, just in different keys and scales, I would just need to express it in different words and melodies.

Repitition, musically and conceptually, was perfectly acceptable for me in songwriting throughout the years because I wasn’t doing this to make a beautifully fully formed record, I was just doing it for myself. And I often don’t subscribe to the belief that we should just process something yucky through just one avenue or produce one thing to move on from it. Oftentimes, we are expected to get over things so quickly before we’ve even made sense of it all, because being vulnerable and communicating how we experienced it more than once, or as many times as we need, is seen as something weak and cringe and tired.

This particular song, There’s Nothing to Say, is about my first situationship, when I was a teenager. And yes, I did mention before that back in my days, the word situationship hadn’t been invented yet. But when I look back onto my string of failed and tragic romantic rendezvous in my youth, situationship would be the perfect word for it. And I like to think that the kids these days are lucky that they have a title for what they’re going through because back then, there was a lot of confusion on whether or not you’re in an official relationship. Never-mind that when I was a teenager the term ‘dating’ wasn’t really appropriate because there were no dates - it would just be hanging out any chance you get and spending 20 cents per text message to communicate.

I say all this to flag that throughout this series there are going to be a lot of songs scattered around in whatever episodes about this one particular situationship I had when I was 15-years-old. It was my first time ever feeling something that deep for someone, and it was actually mutual. This stint lasted only a few weeks but it awoken a lot of raw emotions and passion in me that it gave me a lot of reflective content, if you will, to exercise songwriting and poetry throughout the next few years for me. Let’s call the music I’ve written about this specific romantic connection: songs about X. And maybe by the time this series is finished, someone will be able to put our brief story’s puzzle together.

On another topic, because I did have more to say, in this episode I wanted to share why and how I’ve gotten to this point now that I am presenting all the songs I’ve written after all these years. I mean, I don’t even really have any proper professional studio recorded versions of any of my songs, nor have I ever put out any singles, EPs or LPs. I’ve always just played live, and for the most part, in cover bands for weddings and events and random pubs.

Anyway, long story short, I’m doing this now because for the first time in years I actually have the time to do such a thing. Time is such a luxury, especially when you’re a normal person with creative hobbies, living an adult life with jobs and bills. Actually, even when music was my full-time gig, I spent most of that time on my day-job as a music tutor or moonlighting as a covers singer for extra money. It was hard to find time for my own music.

And right now, at this specific time in my life, I’m lucky enough to have a part-time role in my community that just covers my rent and bills. I do usually take up another part-time job to get myself on good financial standing, but let me tell you, this year in particular has been incredibly hard with job-hunting. Even for someone like me, with an extensive executive professional background, a Master’s degree and an elected position in our local government. It’s like the institutions in this country don’t want someone with my skills and talent —and that’s why, side note, I am migrating to another country in a few weeks. But we’re not talking about that today. Anyway, so, after about 6 months of getting rejected from job applications every single week, it has eroded my hustle and drive and my morale is at an all-time-low when it comes to my professional life— and I’ve decided to give up on finding another day-job. And now I just want to focus on this music project. Take up slow-living, cut down on expenses, just enough so that my part-time role can get me through, and just play music again every morning I wake up. Something I haven’t done in years since I changed industries from music to politics and academia during COVID. But now I’m back.

At this point in time, I don’t know why it feels like so many other doors have closed up on me and I’m just being directed back to music after giving up on it for a while. And when I opened up my old songbooks and started playing these little tunes I’ve written throughout the last twenty years, I got an idea to present them all as stripped-back sessions. I don’t think there’s any need for me to be forking out thousands of dollars for studio time just to record a song or two when I can just play them out like this, and especially when I have like 200 songs to get through, guys! And get through them, we will.

I also thought it would be cool to have a vibe that’s reminiscent of the old radio shows and MTV Unplugged shows, that used to be around when I was a kid, where they would get the artists to play live and it didn’t have to be perfect - it didn’t have to sound like an intricately mixed studio version of a song because it wasn’t.

I do get quite nostalgic though, especially with getting inspired by old school live acoustic performances from bands that don’t even exist anymore and being reminded of all the moments that have led me to write all these songs.

I am very happy right now to have the opportunity to just get up everyday and play my guitar and keys and sing and record just how I like with no pressure. I am really in such a position of privilege and time is the most luxurious thing I have these days.

Thank you for listening to Episode 4 of Every Song. Until next time.

In the last couple of episodes, I have shared some songs that were written to completion in my youth. But, of course, there are songs of mine that are just sitting here unfinished. Songs I don’t quite know what to do with, really. Some of them I’m not sure if I like and ought to throw away and some of which, I’m just waiting to find the right burst of inspiration to be able to finish.

I’m going to play three of them today. These first two songs only have a couple of verses and a chorus in them —not really quite sure where to go from there or if I should add anymore to it.

Here is one of them. This song is titled Shadow Avenue from 2005.

050609 Shadow Avenue

I drove past the old avenue that I used to live atOh the memories are really getting back to me nowThe stop sign’s gold but the priest says that it’s yellowIt’s turned real cold, I’m growing oldI’m growing old

This is my shadow avenueIt will give you scars inside of youIt won’t shut up like a screaming tattooThis is my shadow avenue

I walked past the old avenue that I used to work atAll of the memories are really getting back to me nowThe money was yellow but the boss says that it’s goldIt’s turned real cold, I’m growing olderGrowing older

This is my shadow avenueWhere the wedding bells are always ringingAnd the choir won’t stop singingIt won’t shut up like a screaming tattooThis is my shadow avenue

I began writing Shadow Avenue on the 9th of June 2005. I stopped working on it for the last 10 or so years and I’m just about this close to giving up on it, honestly.

Shadow Avenue is supposed to be about the absolute purgatorial entrapment of suburbia. I was initially driven to write this after watching Green Day’s music video for Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

The mixture of the visuals and the lyricism in that song, spoke to my angsty, ambitious 13-year-old self at the time, wanting to experience more from life than just school and being stuck in a strict home, not allowed to do anything. Not allowed to grow.

Similarly, this next song is also about wanting to break free and letting oneself grow - no matter what anyone says. It is called Grounded, written on the 20th of July 2006.

060720 Grounded

You’re levelled with the sunBy the rate you're going right nowIt’s your blessings that sums upWhat you make of your lifeThere’s a scary little crow at the end of the tableNow you’re pushing meTo the limit of what I’m able to do

I can flyThough I don’t own a pair of wingsI can paint the skyIn accordance with the mood I’m inI can have everything I wantWithout even wanting moreI can do it, but I won’tCause I’m grounded to the floor

That very little smile you fakeWill take the name of your gameEvery night you sway my wayYou manage to get me to stayThere’s a blinding neon lightAt the end of my streetAnd now you’re pushing me, you’re pushing meTo the limit of what I’m able be

Alright, let’s get into the last song of the day. At the time of writing this one, I was listening to a lot of RnB and was inspired by the romanticism and phrasing of RnB vocals. Notably, you’ll hear in the second verse here, a few lines that have a bit of a quicker and punchier rhythm to it than I usually put in my vocal melodies. I was in part exercising vocally arranging it in the style of 3LW or Mariah Carey.

So, of course, it sounds a little bit silly and unnatural coming from me - but it was worth the exercise, I thought. I do this RnB/lyrics and vocal phrasing-writing exercise in a few more of my other songs that I will play in the future. For now, here is a song I wrote it on the 30th of January 2007 just for fun, called Save Me.

070130 Save Me

I can stay still for hoursJust thinking about lifeI can lay awake for hoursJust staring at the ceiling all nightI can do whatever I wantJust as long as I’ve got somewhere to landJust as long as I’ve got you to fall back on toWhen I’m losing my gripI know you’d understand

Oh baby babyYou’re the one to turn toWhen everything falls apartOh you have made meInto what I am todayI’m crawling out of the darkOh I am fadingI’m fading awayI’m fading to blackSo please come save meSave meI’m falling in love

I can’t stay still while Im sleepingWhile I’m dreaming, dreaming about youCause I will be kicking and screamingMy wildest dreams will come trueSo what are you waiting forI’m on my knees just begging for moreI’m hanging on to you by a threadBut it’s gonna breakCause of the weightOf my burdens pushing me down

Thank you for listening to Episode 3 of Every Song. Until next time.

Just me, my guitar, and my keys.

This is a song I wrote on the 9th April 2005, when I was 13, called Don’t Keep Me Waiting.

050409 Don't Keep Me Waiting

Now that you’re gone away

You gave me space to run around in circles all dayBut now you’ve left meYou must be tired cause you ran around my mind all night

I’m also thankfulYou’re like a breath of fresh air through my lungsBut I’m oh so sorryCause I drove you awayAnd you’re not coming back to stay

Don’t keep me waitingDon’t keep me guessingDon’t keep me hanging looseDon’t keep me waitingDon’t keep me prayingDon’t leave me drowning in my ownTears

I’m living in confusionYou walked away, I didn’t stop youAnd now you’re goneIt’s like I’ve been fallingAfter I’ve fallen for youThere’s nothing left for me to do

My white flag’s withering up in the windI’m lonely, call me, I need a friendThe wires connect to meYou’re controlling meBut now you’ve set me free

As it was written in 2005, Don’t Keep Me Waiting uses the same scale as many of the other songs I’ve written at that time. I was still getting used to the musical technicalities around the basics and was more than happy to keep using the same chords but experimenting with different ways to put words together to rhyme and playing around with vocal melodies. You’ll hear the similarities in the songs as we carry on in this series, especially around 2004 to maybe up until 2007 or 2008. And then I move on to—and you’ll hear this—a different phase in musicality in that era of my writing.

I also put in a random guitar solo in that because at the time of writing, I started doing bits and pieces of guitar exercises to work on my dexterity.

Don’t Keep Me Waiting, is largely unchanged lyrically and melodically from its original form. The only thing I change up these days is the key that I sing it in - I sing it half or a full tone higher now.

Y’know whenever I sing this song and the first song I played last week, Guess This is the End from 2004, I’m always reminded of just sitting with my friend Lucille at school, and playing these for her while she patiently listens to whatever the hell delusional romantic situation I made up in my mind to write these songs. Big mihi to Lucille.

Okay, this next song is called Promise (This Ring).

090324 Promise (This Ring)

I wear this ring to remind meThat I’m twisted around your fingerAnd I’m fine with thatControversies, arguments, and sexIt don’t even matterCause I’m picking up my slackAnd your friends, they’re all so funnyI’m starting to see the similaritiesBetween my dreams and this realityCause in my dreams there’s only you and me

TogetherThat’s how we should beForeverMake it last until eternityBelieve itWhen we hear love in perfect harmonyI’m just worried because I’m digging this hole too deepBut I’ve still got a promise to keep

I wear this ring to remind meThat we’re living this life hand in handThere’s nothing wrong with thatAnd it’s frustrating how I cannot get mad at youFor any longer than five minutesCause I’d just feel too badAnd your reasons they’re all so sillySo I begin to move ibn very slowlyOh every step I take is worth itFor all this happiness that I feelWhen we’re

Baby it’s not easyWhen the whole world’s against itLucky that’s not exactly our caseBut we still always find a wayBack

Promise (This Ring) was written on the 24th of March 2009.

Said ring that this song’s verses are centred around is inspired by friendship rings I used to wear with someone. Yes, it was a boy with whom I had an unofficial thing with. No, it was not a promise ring a la Jonas Brothers. However, the symbolism of promise with rings and matching jewellery wasn’t lost on me when I was writing this.

Also, at the time I was surrounded by a bunch of my friends at school who were in cute little high school sweethearts pairings; and the promise and ambition of young love was in the air… Suffocating me. I damn near got bronchitis from it. I suppose it just naturally seeped into my songwriting throughout my teens. And it served me very well artistically since I didn’t even have my first boyfriend and proper relationship until I was 20. Every situation I got into in my teens were just that: situationships - although we did not have that word back in those days. So, as I sing all my songs in the next few weeks, some re-tellings of stories in my music are either exaggerated or inspired greatly by others people’s romantic experiences.

Thank you for listening to Episode 2 of Every Song. Until next time.

To kick things off here, on episode 1, I’m going to sing the very first song I’ve ever written to completion from 2004. It is called Guess This is the End.

But before I do, let me set the scene first to contexualise the setting of which I started making music. Let’s time travel back to the ninetees…

When I was a kid in the ninetees, I would make up silly songs at home, playing around, being inspired by popular music that was on the radio and MTV — songs by Alannis Morrisette, Mariah, Britney, Christina, Destiny’s Child, Backstreet Boys, Natalie Imbruglia, Extreme. I devoured whatever music there was in front of me as much as I can. And for as long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a singer.

By the time the 2000’s came along, I wanted to learn how to play these songs that I loved singing and dancing along to. So, at school I would always try to get my hands on the guitars we had in the classrooms during break times and whenever else I can. And I would observe and try to imitate songs that the teachers would play for us. See, I went to a Catholic school, so there was A LOT of singing-along to hymns and gospel songs every single day.

When I would get home after school days, I would tell my parents proudly that I had learnt some kind of new song on the guitar. I guess, this was a way for me to communicate to them that I was serious about getting into music. And, after annoying my parents about it enough for the better part a whole year, they gifted me my very own Spanish guitar, when I was 10 years old, for Christmas of 2001.

For the first few years, I did the usual stuff, learning basic chords to songs on the radio so I can play them with my friends at school. But I found it hard playing songs from famous bands and artists and I would often get frustrated at myself and my learning journey. At the same time, I was starting to grow out of only listening and enjoying music as it came packaged, as a consumer. I wanted to be one of the ones creating it for people to listen to.

So, naturally I tried my hand at writing my own music at 11 years old - at the time that I had just learned the basics of guitar. Crafting songs that I could actually play and sing along to with ease, from start to finish, within the skillset that I had then. By 12, I had written my first full song, Guess This is the End.

040310 Guess This is The End

Guess we’re still trying to figure outWhat this mess is all aboutShould have never let my thoughtsGrow wild with the vinesSo forgive me if they’ve reached you nowThat there’s been some time

I wonder what went wrongSomething just doesn’t belongI can’t take this feeling anymoreSometimes I just feel likeWalking out that doorGuess we’re not talking to each other againGuess we were really never meant to be friendsGuess this is the end

Guess we’re still trying to set the toneThese uncharted waters could almost feel like homeWe can always let go and forget it all happenedAnd the awkwardness between us could finally disappear

I wish it’d all go back to normalBefore we even startedThe way you greeted hiThe way you waved goodbyeI just miss everythingWe’ve learnt to fly with these broken wingsBut now we are freeSo I guess we’ll just let it be

Guess This is the End was written on the 10th of March 2004 .

Noticeably, the chord progression to Guess This Is the End is very simple and so are the vocals - that’s of course because I was writing it as I was only beginning to learn how to write. About half of the song, as you hear it now, still has its original lyrics. Although, I have changed a bit of it over the years, because the lyrics I had written at 12 was, surprise surprise, not that good - and I’ve let this song evolve with me as I grew older and wanted to include more mature expressions of loss and confusion in the verses. The chorus is unchanged and as I wrote it originally. The vocal melody, the key, and the chords are also in its original form.

For a very long time I kept the lyrics untouched as a way of preserving and honouring my shitty writing as a young person. But about a decade or so after writing it, I heard a quote from a workshop or interview on songwriting by either Bic Runga or Bo Runga (I can’t quite remember which sister), and they said, “Writing is just re-writing”. I took that to mean that sometimes songs aren’t just finished because there are a set cluster of words within the sections that are meant to have words. Songs can just keep growing and changing, as much as you will it and feel it.

I will go into more of the first phase of my journey of learning how to write songs as we go along in this series but I wanted to move this episode along to share the latest song I finished writing a few weeks ago. I suppose as a poetic comparison to where I began and where I am now with my music, over two decades later, as a 33 year old.

This one is called Alone. It’s about being alone.

250701 Alone

AloneJust flesh and bone

You've built a homeMade of stone and steelSo thickYou cannot hearThe tearsNothingGets inSo, you’re on your own

My, how you’ve grownYet, you’re all alone

Alone

AloneOn the roadAgain, look at how high you’ve flownThe sun’s so closeYou burn

And it’s a sad affairYou find joy anywhereOr so you sayIt's the price you payFor being on top of the world

Alone

I wrote Alone on the 1st of July 2025.

These days I like to play around a bit more with structure, and move away from the usual verse-chorus-verse-chorus-bridge-chorus. In this particular song, I wanted to centre it around the theme of loneliness within just the two stanzas. But not loneliness in a sense that one does not have a choice; rather, loneliness as the outcome of protecting one’s peace a little too much that one lives in isolation, and preferring one’s own company over others because it allows them freedom to move about without accountability, even though it comes at a price. Each stanza goes into those situations of loneliness lyrically.

There was also an a cappella version of Alone that I had an idea of doing to really create the ambience of being alone - with no instrumental accompaniment. But I imagine it vocal stacked with half a dozen or so layers of different harmonies, to make it sound really busy vocally. So that it can sonically embody how seemingly being by oneself doesn’t really mean you’re alone in your head because you’re still stuck with your thoughts. But anyway, that’s just an idea. Maybe it’s a little too on the nose? Perhaps I’ll record that a cappella version in the future to see how it would sound.

One last fun fact about Alone that I wanted to share was that this song was inspired by a number from the 2004 critically acclaimed film, Team America: World Police, where Kim Jong Il sings about feeling lonely as an evil dictator in the song, “I’m so Ronery”.

Thank you for listening to Episode 1 of Every Song. Until next time.