For this episode, I celebrate the fullness of life as I’ve also been feeling the quiet (and not-so-quiet) ache of the world.

What does it mean to go “business as usual” while so many people are suffering?

What does it look like to lead a business, raise a family, and hold joy and heartbreak in the same breath?

In this episode, I offer two principles that are guiding me right now:

* Joy is your birthright.

* Compassion means to suffer with.

This is a tender one. A real-time reflection on what it means to stay awake to the beauty and the brutality of the world…and still choose to keep your heart open.

Whether you're a leader, parent, founder, or simply a human trying to make sense of this moment… I hope this one meets you where you are.

🎧 Intro music: “Back To Us” by Jeremy Passion featuring Julissa Leilani

PS: I refer to the Global Flotilla in this episode. The flotilla comprises over 50 vessels with support from participants in more than 40 countries.

Check it out here>

It’s pretty amazing what human beings can do when we come together.

—

AI DISCLOSURE:

This podcast was shaped in an iterative exchange between me and ChatGPT. The initial voice note was raw and unrehearsed. From there, AI helped mirror back the themes, refine the arc, and organize the story. I’ve been writing since 2017 and have published over 170+ pieces across blogs, newsletters, and essays. I started experimenting with AI in 2021, and for a while I felt blurry about where my voice ended and AI began.

To stay in integrity with myself—and with you, the listener—I want to be transparent when AI plays a part in the creative process. My aim is always to ensure that what you hear is still my heart, my story, and my lived experience… just shaped with a little help.

Thanks for reading Made It. Now What?! This post is public so feel free to share it.

In this episode, I share the word that unexpectedly chose me for the year: Surrender.

The JammFam surrendering to a bunch of Storm Troopers :)

—

What started as a pull from a leadership deck has become a guiding force through business growth, parenting, and the pursuit of impossible dreams. I talk about what surrender really means, how it differs from will and willpower, and why this distinction might be the missing link in creating and pursuing impossible goals.

You’ll hear about a warrior who meets his match in a quiet monk, what I learned when my son landed in the ER while I was 300 miles away, and how letting go of control is shaping how I build, lead, and live.

✨ In this episode, you’ll learn:

* The difference between will and willpower, and how to embody the former without burning out on the latter

* Why surrender doesn’t mean quitting, but stepping into greater alignment

* How pursuing impossible goals can expand your soul, even if you don’t hit the mark (yet)

📖 Quotes and sources woven throughout:

* “Willpower is for people who haven’t made a decision.” — Dr. Benjamin Hardy

* “Not my will, but yours be done.” — Jesus, Garden of Gethsemane

* “Surrender is not the opposite of will. It is the completion of it.” — Jack Kornfield

💬 Disclosure:

This episode was crafted through an iterative collaboration with ChatGPT. Since 2017, I’ve published 177 pieces of writing. In 2021, I began experimenting with AI, and at times felt a blur between my voice and the tool. So I made a commitment to transparency. This script was shaped by my own voice and experiences, supported by AI as a creative mirror. The stories, soul, and vulnerability are mine.

Sharing is an act of leadership.

📄 Show Notes:

A podcast! Shot from the hip and felt inspired to create this one. In this episode, I explore what it really means to woo—whether it’s a woman you’re dating, a team you’re leading, or a dream you’re chasing.

I talk about a friend’s dating story, Travis Kelce’s bold pursuit of Taylor Swift, and bell hooks’ powerful quote on love, this episode is a call to men:To show up. To risk rejection. To love with effort.

Also, I share personal reflections on what it takes to lead a business from the heart, why true leadership demands vulnerability, and how the practice of love isn’t just for romance…

it’s for the boardroom, the vision, and the dream you’re scared to go after.

If you’ve ever hesitated to put yourself out there because the canyon between where you are and where you want to be felt too wide…this one's for you.

You’ll hear:

* Why love and leadership both require risk

* The power of wooing (and why it’s not just for romance)

* How Travis Kelce modeled heart-led courage

* What bell hooks teaches us about men and the effort love demands

* How to apply all this to building trust in your business and in yourself

* Why the journey to your dream—your “Ithaca”—is the reward

🗝️ Quote of the Episode:

"If my vision comes from the heart, then the act of wooing means opening myself up to heartbreak."

💌 If this episode speaks to you...Share it with a man who needs encouragement to stay in the game; whether it’s in love, life, or leadership.

Made It. Now What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

I got a confession to make…

5 years ago, when I discovered the Enneagram. I really drank the Kool-Aid.

Specifically around the origins of the Enneagram.

In today’s episode, I’m dispelling that myth and explaining its actual origins. The truth is two South American pioneers brought the Enneagram to North America: Oscar Ichazo & Claudio Naranjo. They were the ones who discovered this framework and further expanded on it.

Listen and learn more about my confession and continued commitment to deliver this powerful tool for understanding human nature in an ethical way.

00:00 Introduction and Host Welcome

01:39 Discovering the Enneagram

02:43 Understanding the Enneagram Framework

03:52 Debunking the Mystical Origins

06:01 Modern History of the Enneagram

08:03 Ethical Use and Personal Commitment

09:41 Conclusion and Invitation

With gratitude,Jomar

Happy Father’s Day!

I hope you feel loved and celebrated today, if you’re a dad.

I hope you take time to reflect on some fond memories with your dad, if you’re not a dad.

And if neither are available, may today bring healing and may you create your own sense of meaning about today, even if that means making it a day like any other day. That’s also great.

Today’s episode is about noticing an old pattern, created by a younger me. This pattern surfaced during a beach day with my family.

Growth work is about creating awareness on patterns that live in your blindspots. When they’re no longer in your blindspot, you can begin to choose a new way of being.

You’ll hear speak about Internal Family Systems in today’s episode.

To learn more, I recommend the book “No Bad Parts” by Richard Schwartz.

Tune in for a narrative about fatherhood, self-discovery, and the power of presence.

May this episode be valuable!

00:00 Introduction and Father's Day Greetings

01:44 Reflections on Marriage and Fatherhood

02:59 Enneagram Work and Personal Growth

04:42 A Beach Story: Embracing the Present Moment

07:58 Inner Child and Coping Mechanisms

12:45 Concluding Thoughts and Resources

With gratitude,

Jomar

Our 2024 Memorial Day Beach Day :)

Today’s episode is about making a decision.

A decision means “to cut off” - it’s different than a choice.

A decision means stepping into a conviction, an action, a faithful gesture, an outward declaration of,

“This is what I’m up to. And I’m cutting myself off from any other possibilities. This is it.”

Going all in is following that inner intuition, without guaranteed success.

It’s the willingness to trust yourself along the journey.

Today, you’ll me hear tell a story from 2nd grade of going all in. A story about making a decision and regretting the outcome, yet still growing from it.

I hope you find it helpful so you can be encouraged to embrace your own inner whisper and take decisive steps towards your goals.

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:48 A Personal Story: My Daughter's Graduation

01:25 The Second Grade Haircut Dilemma

05:20 Lessons on Confidence and Decision Making

06:14 Commitment to My Niche and Future Plans

06:55 Encouragement and Final Thoughts

With gratitude,

Jomar

You’ll hear me speak about my daughter’s preschool graduation from today’s episode. Here’s a picture of us! (Maxwell was at school having his own final day celebrations)

PS: A New Client Success Story!

The opportunity to work with a mind, talent, skill and character like Anthony was invaluable. We worked through his deep Vision, Mission & Purpose through my “EssentialCore” program.

It’s a 1-month  journey that unpacks your origin story, the mindsets that helped you become successful, the trials that fortified your identity and your true purpose in the world.

What was Anthony’s genius that we discovered?

His capacity to transform employees’ lives and the systems they work in through his unique method of combining human-centered data with powerful storytelling.

His essence? 

It's his deep sense of inner belonging. Within minutes of meeting him, you can sense the self-acceptance he has cultivated over the years. 

Still, Anthony would be the first to say that he’s still a work in progress. 

But that’s why Anthony is a successful entrepreneur…

…he doesn’t claim to have all the answers, 

…but he is constantly committed to sharpening his craft as an HR leader and based on the companies he is working with,

He is clearly an expert that delivers results. 

It’s no secret that within weeks of deciding to become an entrepreneur and starting his own Talent & HR consulting company, Inception Talent Consulting

…his schedule was already full of companies as his clients.

If you're in the market for top-notch HR consulting, I’d be more than happy to make an intro! 

Heads up though: He’s in high demand so he’s been selective about who he works with…

…and those are companies who believe that a superior employee experience is what truly drives business results. 

DISCOVER MORE TESTIMONIALS HERE>

Welcome back. It’s summertime!

Thanks for spending some time with me today. I hope this episode is helpful, especially if you’re on a journey to figuring out your personal brand.

In this episode, you’ll hear me delve into my personal and professional experiences with niching down.

I’ll share the evolution of my business, originally built through word-of-mouth, as I explore the importance and challenges of defining a niche.

I’ll outline the three key lessons I learned about social media thus far, the discomfort of self-promotion, and the inevitable concern about public perception 😬

Then I’ll introduce my new niche— which is to help dads pursue their dreams and achieve success while preserving their home life using the Enneagram system.

I’ll emphasize the iterative nature of finding a niche and likening it to writing a song, a process of trial and error until it feels right.

Listen in!

00:00 Introduction and Welcome

00:40 The Journey of Niching Down

01:54 Social Media Strategy and Lessons Learned

03:05 Overcoming Fears and Embracing Failure

08:32 Announcing My New Niche

12:21 Conclusion and Next Steps

With gratitude,

Jomar

It’s been a hot minute! And I discuss that in the intro of the podcast today.

In this episode, I elaborate a bit more on the three instinctual biases of the Enneagram.

You’ll hear me speak about my short break from content creation, emphasizing the importance of self-grace and balance between productivity and rest.

Then I’ll delve into the history and framework of the Enneagram, exploring the preserving, navigating, and transmitting domains.

I explain how these unconscious preferences shape our perceptions, strengths, and areas of disconnect, ultimately influencing personal growth and team dynamics.

00:00 Welcome and Personal Reflections

02:20 Exploring the Enneagram and Instinctual Biases

08:33 Deep Dive into the Three Instinctual Biases

12:26 Evolutionary Adaptations and Closing Thoughts

With gratitude,

Jomar

Welcome once again to another episode of A Sunday Kind of Podcast!

I’m so excited to share this episode with you where I interview my wife, Ashley.

In this episode, you'll discover 3 things:

* A little more about the strengths, core motivation and growth path of the Type 8 on the Enneagram, The Challenger or Protector

* How my wife and I have used the Enneagram to improve our marriage

* The path home for the Type 8

Intro music: “Back To Us” by Jeremy Passion featuring Julissa Leilani

I hope you enjoy!

With gratitude,

Jomar

PS

Ready for TRUE TRANSFORMATION in your life and business in 2024? Check out my updated coaching offers in the link below 👇🏽

PPS

Calling all solo immigrant founders! 🚀 📣

Exciting news from Unshackled Ventures: Introducing the second cohort of Residency - an incredible opportunity for solo immigrant founders to receive $150K investment, immigration support, and access to a supportive community of fellow immigrant founders.

Apply by March 1 through the link below 👇🏽

Happy February listeners 👋🏽

Welcome once again to another episode of A Sunday Kind of Podcast!

In this episode, you'll learn 3 things:

* Why Desire is an integral component of Vision. It's where Vision needs to be rooted in.

* How to create a powerful vision if you identify with Types 2, 3 and 4 on the Enneagram

* My contact information if you're tired of going at this life alone and want to invest in yourself to design the life you truly desire

Also, I took a risk today (something I ask all my clients to do) and recorded a video version of my podcast:

Let me know if you think I should keep doing these or stay with the audio version. Feedback welcomed!

I hope you enjoy and I’ll see you again next week when I cover the Head Types and my thoughts how they should create a powerful vision.

With gratitude,

Jomar

PS

Ready for true transformation in 2024? Check out my updated coaching offers in the link below 👇🏽

Hello listeners 👋🏽

Welcome once again to another episode of A Sunday Kind of Podcast!

Today, I’m offering a path to creating a powerful vision if you lead with the Enneagram Body Types.

A few weeks ago, I shared about the Enneagram Centers of Intelligence through this episode, in case you need a refresher on what I mean when I say the Body Types.

In today’s episode, I share:

* What my morning was like before recording this particular episode

* The distinction between Vision & Goal

* A path to creating a powerful vision for Enneagram Types 8, 9 and 1

It’s just Part 1!

I’ll cover the other types in the next episodes.

And yes, I also have an interview series coming up for individual Enneagram types, with the first one being my wife 😍.

Can’t wait to show you.

Enjoy.

With gratitude,

Jomar

PS!

Curious about my 2024 offerings? Click the link below…

Hi friends 👋🏽

Happy 2024!

This episode poured out of me. I felt the joy in it. I know because I laughed a lot. I felt something come through me and I hope it’s of service to you.

I’m excited about all the content I’ll be creating for you this year. If there’s anything that begins to resonate deeply, please let me know.

Let’s dance.

With love,

Jomar

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Hi friends 👋🏽

The last week of 2023!

My invitation is spend a whole day and reflect on the following…

* What went well?

* What challenges did you overcome?

* What did you learn?

* What mindsets do you want to leave behind?

* What do you want to take with you?

* What’s the highest vision do you have for yourself in 2024?

* Who do you need to become to serve this vision?

This can be a powerful exercise if you give yourself time to sit with them.

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

For today, I bring you the Instincts of the Enneagram.

This is another concept that add another layer of depth into your Enneagram journey.

If you want to be a better human, a better partner, a better leader, then becoming more conscious in this area will bring lots of wonderful benefits.

And if you need help on this journey, reply back with “Enneagram” and we’ll begin a conversation.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and integrated.

* One customized Enneagram resource page

* Recordings, summaries and transcripts of all sessions

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

Or you can invest more at a per session rate of $250

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Do you want a place to share your fears, worries, doubts, shame and guilt secrets so you can overcome them?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Check out this testimonial from Marcos Garcia, a previous participant of the group:

Hi friends 👋🏽

Sending you peace, love and joy as we enter the last two weeks of 2023.

Thank you a million times for continuing to listen to these Enneagram episodes.

I’m not sure what the holidays are like for you though given the coaching spaces I’ve been in, I’m sure it’s a mix of emotions.

Whatever it might be, may you welcome in graciousness, self-compassion and gratitude along the way.

For today, I want to highlight that you are more than your Enneagram Type.

Many folks I work with have been burned by personality systems. My heart goes out to these people - I created this episode for you.

The promise of the Enneagram is liberation.

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

But freedom comes with a cost, and that means the proper integration of a healthy ego.

At first, the ego will feel attacked so it won’t just give in,

which is why gratitude, compassion, non-judgement and curiosity are helpful tools to have as you engage your Enneagram type.

As you listen to this episode, I hope you can feel into the Essence of who you are and the invitation to the path you must take to embody it as your True way of being.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and integrated.

* One customized Enneagram resource page

* Recordings, summaries and transcripts of all sessions

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

Or you can invest more at a per session rate of $250

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Do you want a place to share your fears, worries, doubts, shame and guilt secrets so you can overcome them?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Check out this testimonial from Marcos Garcia, a previous participant of the group:

Hi friends 👋🏽

A Sunday Kind of Blog on a Sunday! Who would’ve thought…

For today, I want to share a spiritual component of the Enneagram that is critical to using this framework for your personal and professional growth: The Holy Idea & Holy Virtue

Each Enneagram type has one of each!

I’ll break down what they are for each type in the future, but for now, I’ll share high-level what these mean and why they’re important.

I hope you enjoy!

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Enneagram is a complex system of personality typing that describes patterns in how people interpret the world and manage their emotions. Central to the Enneagram are the concepts of Holy Ideas and Holy Virtues, each linked to one of the nine Enneagram types. Here's a breakdown:

1. What the Holy Idea and Holy Virtue are:

* Holy Ideas: These are essentially the core spiritual truths or insights that each Enneagram type is believed to be seeking. Each type has a different Holy Idea that represents a particular aspect of spiritual wholeness or understanding.

* Holy Virtues: They are the positive, spiritual qualities that arise naturally when a person is living in alignment with their Holy Idea. These virtues are seen as antidotes to the basic fears or desires that drive each Enneagram type.

2. Meaning to the Enneagram:

* In the Enneagram system, Holy Ideas and Holy Virtues are central to personal and spiritual development. They provide a path for individuals to understand their deepest motivations and fears and to grow beyond them.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

3. Origins:

* The origins of the Enneagram are somewhat mysterious, with roots in various spiritual traditions, including Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and ancient Greek philosophy. The concepts of Holy Ideas and Virtues have been integrated into the modern Enneagram framework, which has evolved over time. Oscar Ichazo, a Bolivian philosopher and teacher, is the one who is credited with languaging the Holy Ideas & Holy Virtues to the Western world.

5. Why They Should Be Considered:

* Considering Holy Ideas and Virtues can lead to greater self-understanding and compassion for others. They encourage looking beyond surface behaviors to the deeper motivations that drive people.

* They offer a spiritual dimension to the understanding of personality, which can be enriching for those who seek to integrate psychological insights with their spiritual beliefs.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and have been integrated.

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

PLUS, whenever you’re ready…

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Do you want a place to share your fears, worries, doubts, shame and guilt secrets so you can overcome them?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Check out this testimonial from Marcos Garcia, a previous participant of the group:

Hi friends 👋🏽

Hope this message finds you well and in good health.

Sadly, we lost our family little chihuahua dog this past week and she’s transitioned to doggy heaven; so I dedicate this episode to her.

Love you little Bella girl…

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

That said…

I hope you enjoy today’s episode on accessing the somatic Enneagram.

Doing this work involves integrating the wisdom of this personality system with an awareness of bodily sensations, emotions, and physical practices.

The Enneagram is traditionally a psychological tool that describes nine personality types, each with its own set of behaviors, motivations, and fears. Integrating somatic practices with the Enneagram can deepen self-awareness and facilitate personal growth. Here are some ways to do this:

1. Understand Your Enneagram Type:

- Start by identifying your Enneagram type. This requires self-reflection or taking an Enneagram test.

- Learn about the basic fears, desires, and motivations of your type.

2. Somatic Awareness:

- Practice mindfulness and body awareness. Pay attention to how emotions and stress manifest in your body. Each Enneagram type may have different somatic patterns.

- Notice any recurring physical sensations or tensions associated with specific emotional states or thought patterns.

3. Body-Centered Practices:

- Engage in practices like yoga, tai chi, or dance. These can help in grounding and connecting with your body.

- Certain poses or movements might resonate more strongly with different Enneagram types, offering insights into your personality and emotional patterns.

4. Breathing Exercises:

- Breathing techniques can help manage the emotional and stress responses characteristic of your Enneagram type.

- Practices like deep belly breathing or alternate nostril breathing can be particularly effective.

5. Mindful Movement:

- Explore gentle, mindful movement to connect with sensations and emotions. This can be especially helpful for types that are more disconnected from their physical experience.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

6. Embodied Meditation:

- Try meditations that focus on body scanning and sensation awareness.

- This practice can reveal how your Enneagram type's issues manifest somatically.

7. Therapy or Coaching:

- Consider working with a therapist or coach who specializes in both the Enneagram and somatic practices.

- They can provide personalized guidance and help you explore the relationship between your type and bodily experiences.

8. Journaling:

- Keep a journal to track your somatic experiences and how they relate to your Enneagram type. This can be insightful in understanding your habitual patterns.

9. Workshops and Retreats:

- Attend workshops or retreats that focus on integrating the Enneagram with somatic practices.

10. Community Engagement:

- Engage with communities or groups that focus on somatic Enneagram work. Sharing experiences can provide additional insights and support.

Remember, the key is to stay curious and open to what your body is communicating, and to see how this interplays with your Enneagram type’s characteristics.

This holistic approach can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and foster personal growth.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and have been integrated.

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

PLUS, whenever you’re ready…

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Do you want a place to share your fears, worries, doubts, shame and guilt secrets so you can overcome them?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investmentwithin 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 months of working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

Hi friends 👋🏽

Hope everyone had a joyful holiday break, at least all of you who celebrated, primary my American listeners.

Many many many thanks for continuing to listen and read my work.

It means a whole lot.

For today, it’s an honor to have created this episode for you…

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

The Enneagram offers a path to integration through 3 pillars:

* Psychology

* Somatics

* Spirituality

In today’s episode, I explain more about this integration path, specifically through the type I lead with, which is the Type 7.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and integrated.

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

PLUS, whenever you’re ready…

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Is everyone in awe around your success, but inside, life feels average or even boring? Unfulfilling? Like something is still missing?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investmentwithin 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 monthsof working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

Hi friends 👋🏽

Happy Thanksgiving! 🦃

I hope this season brings you so much joy and gratitude.

Truly, gratitude creates new paradigms in us to be more present in our lives.

It helps us access a sense of wealth that even billionaires have trouble accessing. I know, I’ve worked with them.

When I’m authentically grateful, I’m no longer in a feeling of want.

The idea of “more” being my path to freedom ceases to have its power.

I become super aware of the abundance in my life.

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Scientific research supports various health benefits of gratitude practice:

* Improved Mental Health: A study involving 300 adults, mostly college students seeking mental health counseling, found that those who wrote gratitude letters reported significantly better mental health compared to those who wrote about negative experiences or received only counseling. This benefit was evident four and twelve weeks after the writing exercise, suggesting that gratitude writing is beneficial for those with mental health concerns, even when brief​​.

* Shift from Toxic Emotions: Gratitude writing was observed to shift attention away from toxic emotions like resentment and envy. Participants in the gratitude group used fewer negative emotion words in their writing, which correlated with better mental health outcomes. This implies that the act of expressing gratitude can alter focus and perspective in a positive way​​.

* Benefits Even Without Sharing: Participants in gratitude studies who wrote letters of gratitude but did not send them still experienced mental health benefits. This indicates that the act of writing and reflecting on gratitude is beneficial, regardless of sharing those thoughts with others​​.

* Gradual Benefits Over Time: The mental health benefits of gratitude writing in the study did not emerge immediately but developed over time. Participants in the gratitude group reported better mental health four weeks after the writing activities, with further improvement after 12 weeks. This suggests a cumulative effect of gratitude practice over time​​.

* Lasting Effects on the Brain: Neuroimaging studies, such as those using fMRI, showed that individuals who practiced gratitude had distinct brain activity, especially in the medial prefrontal cortex. This area is associated with learning and decision-making. The effects were still observable three months after the gratitude practice began, suggesting that expressing gratitude may have lasting effects on the brain and improve sensitivity to gratitude experiences​​.

Source: How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain

As you listen, may you begin to notice the abundance in your life.

May you have courage to face what you’re avoiding.

May you find aliveness on the other side.

With love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and have been integrated.

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

PLUS, whenever you’re ready…

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Is everyone in awe around your success, but inside, life feels average or even boring? Unfulfilling? Like something is still missing?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investment within 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 monthsof working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

Hi 👋🏽

My love affair with the Enneagram began 5 years ago.

I heard Rob Bell speak about it on a podcast.

Then I heard Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest, teach about it a bit more and it touched my heart in a deep way.

Then, I read The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz.

Then, I was fortunate enough to have Chris as my Enneagram coach for two years.

Chris introduced me to the Narrative Enneagram community; the longest-running and certifying Enneagram school in the world.

This is the school where I received my training, and continue to train with to this day.

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

It’s also where I met Marion Gilbert.

My wife and I had the honor and opportunity of doing some somatic work with her. Looking back, it truly was a groundbreaking moment that catalyzed the reconnection back to my body.

I honor all of these teachers and the ones that came before them.

As you listen to this episode, please know that while I’m already 5 years in, I’m still at the beginning of my journey.

I’m only sharing what I’ve learned and loved.

Things that have transformed me.

May they be of value to you.

And my hope is they might be the beginning of your transformation.

With so much love,

Jomar

PS!

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things have progressed and have been integrated.

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary (travel + lodging not included)

The investment is $1500 USD

PLUS, whenever you’re ready…

1️⃣

YOU ARE INVITED TO MY NEXT MEN’S GROUP

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Is everyone in awe around your success, but inside, life feels average or even boring? Unfulfilling? Like something is still missing?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investment within 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 monthsof working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

PPS!Here are more resources that support the podcast episode from today:

* “Functional Specialization in the Human Brain: A Window into the Functional Architecture of the Mind" by Nancy Kanwisher, published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience.

* "The Heart's Intuitive Intelligence: A Path to Personal, Social and Global Coherence" by Rollin McCraty and Mike Atkinson, published in the Journal of Alternative and Complementary Medicine.

* "Gut Feelings: The Emerging Biology of Gut–Brain Communication" by Emeran A. Mayer, published in Nature Reviews Neuroscience

* "The Enneagram: A Review of the Empirical and Transformational Literature" by Jenny Yip and Samantha Flynn, published in the Journal of Humanistic Psychology.

Today, I discuss the 3 paths I took to discover my Enneagram type.

I hope you enjoy!

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Share the love by sharing this post.

As you listen, below are some resources for you if you continue your Enneagram journey…

My Story of the Enneagram - a recent blog I wrote about my experience of the Enneagram

Enneagram Type Videos - a quick description of strengths, challenges and how to support each type. The videos are created by my mentor, Micky ScottBey Jones.

Tour the 9 Types - The Narrative Enneagram

Quick Tips for Wisdom & Growth for Each Type - Dr. David Daniels

Atlas: Enneagram songs for each type by artist Sleeping At Last

A Sunday Kind of Blog is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

My favorite Enneagram books:

* The Sacred Enneagram by Chris Heuertz

* The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut

* The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Riso/Hudson

* The Enneagram for Black Liberation by Chichi Agorom

* The Road Back to You by Cron/Stabile

* The 9 Ways of Working by Michael Goldberg

* Discovering the Enneagram by Richard Rohr

Intro music: “Back To Us” by Jeremy Passion featuring Julissa Leilani

PS!!!

1️⃣

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Is everyone in awe around your success, but inside, life feels average or even boring? Unfulfilling? Like something is still missing?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investment within 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 monthsof working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

3️⃣

Curious to do an Enneagram sprint with me?

Reply back with “Let’s Enneagram” and we’ll connect.

The sprint will include:

* One 45-min Enneagram Typing Interview

* One session to reveal your Essence

* One session for application and implementation

* One session for integration

* Final check-in session after 8 weeks to see how things are going

* A special invite to an in-person event in 2024 where your ticket will be complimentary

The investment is $1500 USD

I didn’t send out a newsletter last Sunday.

I missed you.

Hope I was missed too…maybe? I’ll pretend you did 😉

I decided to record a podcast for you since you missed me so much…

When you listen, you’ll hear a quick update about life.

I also recorded a bit about the ego…

And the body triad of the Enneagram…

And the Three Laws of Behavior.

I listen back to this episode and my inner critic is LOUD 📣

But whatevs, I hope you enjoy the messyness of my creative process.

Thanks for listening 💚💚💚

And remember, there’s no better than being YOU.

Oh!!!

Check out this client testimonial…I’m pretty proud of it 😃

With love,

Jomar

Intro music: “Back To Us” by Jeremy Passion featuring Julissa Leilani

PS!!! 1️⃣

Are you a man in search of community?

Do you want support around achieving the next level of your success?

Is everyone in awe around your success, but inside, life feels average or even boring? Unfulfilling? Like something is still missing?

Join my next men’s group launching in 2024.

Hop on the waitlist for the next cohort of The Council of Audacious.

Join the waitlist here>>>

The guys in my group right now are ON FIRE 🔥🔥🔥

Be next…

2️⃣

Are you an aspiring entrepreneur ready to commit to taking your business from $0 - $100k and beyond? Let’s talk. Let’s make your audacious dream a reality.

Reply to this email with a description of your dream business and we’ll schedule a time to determine if now is your time.

Here are some client stories:

- Bryan got a 50x return on his investment w/ me when he stepped into a new role as a founder/investor. This happened in the first 6 months of our 12 month work together. 

- Rosa, experienced exponential growth in her business while we worked together. She got a 10x return on her investment within 4 months of our work together.

- Tamer, experienced 22% income growth + a promotion during our first 7 months together. 

- Zac, a Founder/CEO client, grew his business 2x in our first 3 monthsof working together. He's still a current client and we've 4x'd his business in total. Plus, he’s having the most fun and experiencing so much lightness in his life, more than ever.

Do the math. You can be next!

3️⃣

Do you have a string of successes behind you but feel empty?

Are others jealous of your success, but inside you feel a sense that there’s more to life than this?This means you are ready for ESSENCE work. No more excuses. Let’s excavate your TRUE SELF. Free from what the world says of who you need to be and become you truly ARE.Reply back to this email with “FREEDOM” and we’ll connect through a discovery call.

Here’s a client testimonial:

Hi ASKB paid listeners/readers 👋🏽

Here’s my first random ramble around our desire to avoid discomfort.

I hope you find it helpful!

With love,

Jomar

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. Support the work by sharing with people you love.

As of today, paid subscriptions are on!

CUE CELEBRATION MUSIC…I FEEL LIKE MY KIDS AT THIS ICE CREAM STORE

I am delighted and have so much gratitude for those of you that have been journeying with me from the beginning of this blog back in 2019.

This is a BIG step for me and after much internal debate, discussions with my inner circle and calming down of the inner critic, I am here. We are here. So from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!

To the new subscribers — thank you! Hello! I see you! You’re here because we’ve worked together, we just met in-person or LinkedIn or someone you care about told you about me. Thanks again for being here! I appreciate you!To the folks that have been here for a while, thank you! I love y’all! I can’t express enough gratitude I have for you that you find my work valuable enough to spend time reading through my writings, and listening too. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

For today’s newsletter and paid subscription launch, I want to take the opportunity to share again a bit more about who I am, my mission, what I hope to achieve and what to expect as I continue to grow this newsletter.

Who I Am

My name is Jomar 🙋🏻‍♂️

I am a husband, father, son, brother, friend, colleague, high-performance coach and business owner🤵🏻‍♂️👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👶🏻🧍🏻🧍🏻‍♂️👨🏻‍💻👨🏻‍🏫I am an immigrant living in the US and my place of origin, the country I love, is the Philippines 🇵🇭

Back in 1994, with less than $100 to her name, my mom took a leap of faith and accepted a job to be a nurse in the US. During that year, she studied hard to achieve certification as a Registered Nurse 👩🏻‍⚕️

In 1995, after almost a year of being without her family, we were able to join her.

For most of my life, I equated success with intense struggle. I thought that to be successful in this life, you had to work yourself to the bone, do it all on your own and make it happen.

I am releasing myself from this belief.

I am releasing myself from any resistance that could hold me back from my next evolution.

I now believe that success can be achieved, effortlessly.

I am able to do so while standing on the shoulders of those that came before me.

My ancestors.My grandparents.My great grandparents.My parents.I continue what they began.I build on their sacrifice and I am but a continuation of their legacy.

My Mission

I desire to be of service. I desire to be a beneficial presence on this planet.

I desire to catalyze aliveness, peace, love and freedom to as many human beings as possible.

I desire to be in service of God’s will to create a Heaven on Earth.

I desire to create a life of my dreams.

I desire to do it effortlessly.

I desire to be an example and inspiration to my fellow Filipinx tribe that they can make it to the highest stage in America.

I desire to set human beings free from the imprisoned minds they live in.

I desire to catalyze the potential, one powerful and unforgettable conversation at a time.

I desire to wake people up to their True Self.

I desire to lift the consciousness of this planet.

I desire to create safe spaces where people can get radically clear about what they desire and then have the courage to create it.

I desire to show my kids what following our dreams look like.

I desire to be a covert confidant of the most influential leaders, movers and shakers in the world.

I desire to cultivate a lifelong marriage full of excitement, intimacy and connection.

I desire to live a life on fire, on purpose and on mission.

At my core, I passionately believe and have witnessed that if we get clear on a dream meant only for us, then that dream can be manifested effortlessly. It is our pre-programmed thinking, our generational trauma, our perceptions rooted from a time before our existence — all of it is what’s gotten in the way of seeing this truth of effortless success.

In short, my mission is to help as many human beings as possible achieve success, effortlessly. Success, Effortlessly — this is my creed. A sort of rally cry to help you remember who you truly are and what you are capable of.

What I Hope to Achieve

Whether you’re a free subscriber or someone who decides to invest in my work as a paid subscriber, the bottom line is I want to inspire you. I want to spark desire. I want you to feel your aliveness and pursue your impossible, whatever that might be for you. When I say impossible, I mean your heart’s true desire. If we go deep enough, it’s this embodied realization that you are whole to begin with and from that place, begin to feel inclined to create and visualize your dreams. Imagine what you could allow yourself to want from this place.

When you begin to become radically clear and own your powerful vision, then it’s that vision that will generate the energy for you to go after it. To manifest it. To bring it into the now.

This is my desire. This is what I hope to achieve.

What to Expect

🍃 The Free Option

There will always and forever be a free subscriber option. I want you to keep getting the value you’ve been getting by reading these missives and I would love for you to keep sharing it with your friends, families and colleagues. This newsletter isn’t possible if you haven’t been reading all this time. So please keep reading, please keep sharing and please keep growing.

You can expect 2-4 posts per month. Some of them will be written only and some of them will continue to have the podcast/audio version. Always dropped in your inbox on a Sunday!

☘️ The Paid Option ($7 monthly, $70 yearly)

For paid subscribers, I will be playing a bigger and bolder game. You’ll see my most vulnerable self because I will hide nothing and hold nothing back. I will be letting you into my secret lab. In this lab, you’ll witness the things I am most excited about as well as my messiness and struggles. You’ll read, listen and watch my newest insights. You’ll get special invites into community and 1:1 coaching calls. This content is going to be the latest, most up-to-date, perhaps the most woo-woo-but-grounded-in-reality content you’ll ever hear from me.

You can expect bonus emails, access to comments, a new series called Random Rambles and much much more.

🍀 The Founding Option ($200 per year)

If you decide to be a founder, this is simply because of Love. You see me and by nature of seeing me, you also see you. You will go this route because you believe in my mission and this route is your way of participating and contributing to that mission. You believe that the world becomes significantly better with that gesture. And to you, gratitude is more than enough.

That is it! My goodness — I feel all sorts of energy going through my body as I finish writing and recording this. It’s invigorating. There’s this sense of going further into the unknown and being in awe and wonder about what’s to come.

My friends, I send you much gratitude. May this inspire you to go forth boldly and claim your biggest dreams.

With love,

Jomar

PS:

Interested in becoming a one on one client???

FOR COACHES: I am looking to work with one coach this year who wants to increase their income and impact. I’ve built a 6-figure coaching practice from the ground up, starting 5+ years ago and I want to be able to mentor and coach someone to achieve the same thing. If you are a coach and are ready to take your business to the next level, I dare you, reply to this

FOR HIGH-PERFORMERS: I work primarily with high-performing founders, execs, athletes, investors — many who are in tech, CPG and VC. If you’d like a safe space, a sort of secret lab to start journeying towards your impossible, then let’s connect. Reply to this email introducing who you are and a brief summary of your challenges and what you’d like to do. My clients spend at least $10k to work with me so please be ready about the investment you’re ready to make. Let’s talk and if we’re not a fit, let’s find someone that will support you!

Interested in joining my men’s group???

Have you ever felt like life is just passing you by, day in and day out, without truly connecting with yourself or others? Have you been yearning for a deeper sense of authenticity, vulnerability, and excitement in your life? If so, then you're in for a treat!

If you are a cisgender man OR regardless of your biological body, lean mostly into your masculine gender, I want to invite you to join us and apply for a spot in a transformative journey through my next men’s group.

You see, I got this incredible opportunity to work at the biggest, most influential talent agency in the world; Creative Artists Agency. Many folks know it as CAA.

Here’s a picture of the building I took:

I remember walking up for my interview and feeling out of pocket. I felt completely out of my zone. When I walked in, everything was made of expensive marble and the rooms were made of glass. It was the kind of place I always dreamed of working at. A-list celebrities were walking through the halls. Sports figures like Cristiano Ronaldo, Derek Jeter and Lebron James made up their roster of representation. The place smelled full of opportunities.

And then here I was, this brown kid, 1st-generation immigrant from the Philippines with the audacity to actually feel like he can hang in that arena.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. If you find value in reading my work, please support by sharing it.

So when I got the job offer, something flipped inside of me. I felt like I could no longer be the previous version of me. I felt like I had to be someone new.

See, there’s something valid about this idea of becoming someone new when you level up. But back then, this transformation I went into was rooted in FEAR. It wasn’t rooted in SELF-TRUST or SELF-LOVE. It was a knee-jerk reaction, really. I didn’t really have a reason. It came from an unconscious place.

The last 10 years of my life has been working to make the unconscious more conscious.

I didn’t know it at the time, but there was a lot of anger inside me. There was a lot of shame, guilt and insecurity about who I was. This led to seeing myself as a victim of my external circumstances. I looked around and found some sort of justifying reason as to why I didn’t have as much success as others. I convinced myself that I would never make it to the top of whatever field I decided to jump into.

I held onto these beliefs so tightly, in an unconscious way, and they limited my success. They limited the way I saw myself in this beautiful, miraculous world in which we get to inhabit.

So I think that’s why I started asking people to call me Jay back then. I didn’t want them to see all of this. I believed that if people started calling me Jay, all of the unbelief, lack of confidence and not-enoughness would magically disappear. I would all of a sudden feel like I belonged in that powerful arena that is CAA.

That’s just not how true transformation works.

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön says,

“Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us.”

It is 100% true that there is something indestructible, incorruptible and immeasurable within us.

That which is Infinite. That which is Divine.

James Finley says,

“It isn’t just that we’re in the presence of God, but God giving God’s self to us as our presence.”

Creation’s spirit Itself is moving through us as us. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Heartbeat by heartbeat.

This is our True Nature.

Our work of transformation is to relax into this understanding. To come back to this Original Wholeness.

And the path back to this is to expose ourselves over and over to annihilation. In other words, we must detach ourselves from all the ways we connect our sense of wellbeing and certainty to the things we have, to our titles, our status, our money or the way we think other people see us. All of these must be deconstructed. We must let all of them go.

This is a lifelong practice. In reality, this is the work we are invited into for the rest of our lives. But Spirit won’t impose itself on us because then it wouldn’t be Love. We are free by birthright and we have choice. Spirit then will only whisper, knock, nudge, invite, but it will never impose.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. If you find value in my work, please support by sharing it.

Our only job is to say Yes over and over and over again.

To look into our deepest fears and our deepest longings. To see the whole process as an everlasting dance.

Over 10 years ago, I first sat down in a room with a professional who guided me through all the ways I fortified my ego. Week by week, I stepped into annihilation. It was scary because I believed that if anyone knew about the thoughts I had about myself, I wouldn’t be loved. It literally felt like dying, because perhaps, that part of me was dying.

Since then, I realized that the only way to keep growing was to keep finding my scary edges and joyfully walking into them. To keep taking risks, even if they’re something micro like asking for a free desert, raising my coaching rates or wanting a night out away from my wife and kids.

At the beginning of this year, I asked my wife for a few nights away by myself in Joshua Tree.

Even the process before asking revealed all of these unconscious beliefs about my marriage, the requests I can and cannot make and why I deserved some things and I did not deserve others. There was fear of rejection, fear of not being seen and fear of not knowing what I would actually do with that much solitude for the first time in my life.

But I remembered what I learned in this work…

Aliveness is on the other side of annihilation.Peace is on the other side of fear.Love is on the other side of isolation and solitude.

All of this is available for you too.

In fact, by virtue of reading this, part of you has already felt Spirit’s invite to come alive. To claim what is yours. Tiny step by tiny step forward.

You are worthy of your greatest dreams.I repeat, you are worthy of all your greatest dreams!But it won’t just come to you. You gotta do the work.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. If you find value in my work, please support by sharing it.

And if you find that you can’t go down this path on your own, know that you are not the only one. All of us need safe guidance into this terrain and I was blessed enough to find safe spaces to do so. My invitation for you is to reach out to me or someone you trust for a professional referral to help you claim your biggest self and your most audacious dreams. Life is too precious and too short. You deserve all that you want out of it!

Book your EMERGENCE call here

Fair warning. If you book, it’ll be a little scary, but I promise it will be safe, with zero judgement, you’ll always be in choice and there will be some laughter along the way too.

With much love,

Jomar

Have you ever felt like life is just passing you by, day in and day out, without truly connecting with yourself or others? Have you been yearning for a deeper sense of authenticity, vulnerability, and excitement in your life? If so, then you're in for a treat!

If you are a cisgender man OR regardless of your biological body, lean mostly into your masculine gender, I want to invite you to join us and apply for a spot in a transformative journey through my next men’s group. As a certified coach, I've witnessed the incredible power of men coming together in a supportive group setting to explore our inner worlds, uncover our truths, and unleash our potential. In this blog post, I want to share with you my personal story of how doing men’s work as an individual and in groups has changed my life, and why I'm so passionate about inviting you to join us.

Authenticity: Unleashing Your True Self

For many years, I struggled with feeling like I had to wear a mask and conform to societal and patriarchal expectations. My mask was the “Nice Guy Syndrome” - it was this people pleasing version of me that always had to keep things light and quickly reframe any negative scenario to a positive one, because I was afraid to admit that I was hurt. I was afraid to show my true self to others, fearing rejection or judgment. But deep down, I knew that I was not living authentically, and it was taking a toll on my mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

When I joined a group coaching program, I was blown away by the safe space that was created for me to be completely myself. I was able to explore my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs without fear of judgment. I was encouraged to express my true desires, values, and dreams. Through the guidance of our skilled coach and the support of my fellow group members, I began to peel off the layers of the mask I was wearing and step into my true self.

One example of this is my relationship with my body. As men, the only things that society allows us to feel in our bodies are anger and aggression. This was okay and even encouraged. However, we didn’t have the awareness, the tools or the space to allow sadness, fear, scarcity, grief, sorrow, pleasure, excitement and ecstasy to be honored in our bodies. We are taught that the body is a utility, not something to be friends with.

It was liberating and empowering to finally embrace my body and my authenticity. I discovered that I didn't have to pretend or conform to be accepted or loved. I learned to value and honor my own uniqueness, and to express myself authentically in all areas of my life. As a result, my relationships became deeper and more meaningful, my self-confidence skyrocketed, and I started attracting opportunities that aligned with my true self. I want to share this incredible gift of authenticity with you, as I believe that everyone deserves to be loved and accepted for who they truly are.

Vulnerability: Embracing Your Imperfections

One of the most powerful aspects of stepping into this kind of work is the opportunity to be vulnerable in a safe and supportive environment. As men, we are taught that gaining power and respect is how we move through the world. If you feel vulnerable, run away or ignore it and posture strength. Vulnerability is a weakness, something to be avoided at all costs. Although I read in lots of books that vulnerability is a strength, it wasn’t until I started doing men’s work that I felt and truly experienced vulnerability as a superpower. I became more deeply in touch with desire. I was able to touch the place in me that’s hurt and still be okay to want what I want. And more importantly, I can still be creative if I don’t get what I want.

As I opened up and shared my own vulnerabilities with the group, I was met with empathy, understanding, and unconditional support. I realized that I was not alone in my struggles, and that we all have our own unique challenges and imperfections. I learned to embrace my vulnerabilities as part of my human experience, and to see them as opportunities for growth and connection.

Through the men’s work, I learned to let go of the belief that if I have more stuff, more things, more experiences, more of everything - then I will be free. I let go of the need to have it all planned out to perfection. This other part of me came through that was truly free. Free to explore, free to play, free to make mistakes, to be uncertain, to ask for help and free to be exposed to getting hurt, but trust that I will be okay again.

I learned to be more compassionate and accepting towards myself and others. This newfound sense of vulnerability has allowed me to form deeper connections and relationships, and to experience a level of intimacy and authenticity that I never thought possible. I invite you to join this men’s group and experience the power of vulnerability for yourself.

Excitement: Igniting your Aliveness

Do you remember the last time you felt truly excited about life? The kind of excitement that makes your heart skip a beat, your eyes light up, and puts butterflies in your stomach?

I’m not talking about the short-term dopamine hit that many high-performers get after they achieve some new milestone to put on their award shelf.

I’m speaking about deep joy.

Aliveness.

Ecstasy.

No, not the drug. I’m talking about living this life wide awake, filled with awe and wonder. Living it with immense gratitude at all the possibilities you could create.

I remember when the people-pleasing program started to dysfunction within me. I had worn-out that mask that it started to not have impact and meaning anymore. I felt empty. The mask had gotten too comfortable and I stopped taking risks.

Through the work I did in group coaching, I was able to identify new risks I wanted to take and receive supportive accountability. I found my inner spark again. What was even more powerful was that I didn’t need to completely torch my old life and career. I thought I did, but the coaching helped me realize that the current lifestyle I had achieved can be a platform for the next thing I want to create. It empowered me to be even more of a CREATOR of the next stage of my development.

Through the support and accountability of the group, I stepped into tiny risks every week in my business, my marriage, and in my parenting - through all the various shapes that I was moving in the world. With each risk, I felt more and more alive. I felt more and more like myself again!

In this new way of being, I was able to BRING aliveness to my everyday. I learned that I don’t have to wait for circumstances to be perfect so that I can feel the spark. I found that inner child in me that was free to begin with. Letting that inner child come out to play has me feeling more and more like myself again, and creating success from that place has felt really, really good.

Apply for this men’s group and ignite the aliveness in your life again.

***DEADLINE TO APPLY IS MAY 23RD!***

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If you’ve made it this far, here are some steps to consider, not necessarily all in this order:

👉🏼 If you feel a deeper curiosity or a HELL YES, then apply through the link in that landing page.

👉🏼 If you read the landing page and find that you want to speak to me first, then schedule a call with me here>

👉🏼Share the love💛! Make a difference in someone’s life by being the person that told them about this opportunity. Send this blog or the landing page to that person. Let them know how much you admire them and see their potential - and send them the info.

Reminder: ***DEADLINE TO APPLY IS MAY 23RD!***

With great love.

Jomar

Here’s the last men’s group at the Wolf Connection just outside of Los Angeles.

Going upstairs,Taking off the clothes,Jumping in the tub,Being shampooed,Coming out of the bath,Toweling off,Moisturizing,Brushing the teeth,Brushing the hair,Putting on the PJ’s,Calming down for story time,

I mean each step could be a battle with one or both kids. You can imagine the potential chaos here.

These days, I find this to be a fun process. It’s truly something I enjoy more often than not, because honestly, I am keenly aware that I will not be in this season of life for that much longer. I know that I will blink and they will be teenagers, so my goal is to enjoy it as much as possible. I love to witness their fun, silliness and playfulness. I even find their refusals to be entertaining. What person wants to be told what to do, right? So I empathize with their refusals and on my best days, I try to meet their refusals with playfulness in order to get them to cooperate.

But it wasn’t always like this.

If we travel back to two years ago, you would have found me collapsing under this challenge. You would have found me unconscious, yet physically awake. You would have found me not enjoying the process at all. In a moment of bath time fun where my kids are laughing and splashing in the tub, you would have found me just wanting to get it over with. In my worst moments, I’m either scolding them or quietly fuming because Mom is gone. You would have found me blaming everyone, especially my wife, for being in a circumstance I felt trapped in.

What’s worse is that I was either internalizing all of this and not speaking up OR I was unfairly lashing out at my wife out of this entitled sense of victimhood. She’s doing this to me and therefore I need to retaliate.

It all came to a head when my wife came home one night and started to cry out of a deep disappointment in being let down. It was her biggest week of the year, culminating with dance shows that she produced. A production she’s worked so hard on for the last 8 months. Instead of me celebrating and appreciating her hard work, and admiring her talents and gifts; she was coming home to a complaining, whining and blaming husband.

I was unfair.I was mean.I was hurtful.I was selfish.

What happened? How did I get here? As I explored these challenging questions with my coach, I discovered that my wife and I failed on creating agreements with each other. We didn’t spend time becoming clear on what we both need during this time. The outcome was a lot of resentment on my end.

Resentment comes from the Latin root word “sentire” meaning “to feel, or think”, with the prefix re meaning “again”.

Therefore, resentment means to feel or to think again.

This became the invitation for me in the coaching space. I needed to go back over my assumptions and feelings I bypassed and reexamine them.

I’ve learned a lot in this process but I’ll give you one that stands out. The framework I want to introduce is the Drama Triangle, first introduced by Stephen Karpman back in the 1960s. The triangle is this dynamic we enter into with others or within ourselves. There are 3 archetypes in this dynamic: The Rescuer, The Persecutor and The Victim. In this dynamic, we have believed that we are disempowered. Challenging circumstances have gotten the best of us and we believe there is no way out. We stay in this loop jumping from one archetype to the next and here is how it played out for me.

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* The Victim. In this dynamic, I was in blaming mode and I gave away my power. I made myself the victim by believing that my wife didn’t care about me or the success of my business. She only cared about her work. Of course, none of this was true but it was how I unconsciously justified my anger and frustration. I didn’t want to own those feelings so it was easy to blame her.

* The Persecutor. It’s hard for me to ask my wife for time away. Instead, I was expecting her to read my mind and anticipate my needs for me. Comical right? It feels comical to say now, but during this time two years ago, I felt so entitled. I truly believed she should just know and because she didn’t read my mind, I attacked. I became the persecutor. I lashed out and I hurt her.

* The Rescuer. Initially, one might think the rescuer is a positive trait but it’s not. It’s an enabler. It’s the self-righteous martyr in us. It’s still rooted in resentment. For me, this looked like begrudgingly staying up late a few nights. I said to myself, “Well then fine, if my wife doesn’t want me to succeed, I’ll just take matter into my own hands and resentfully watch the kiddos, clean the house, and stay up late to finish my work. Life’s just gonna be this way so I’ll just do it all.” I was playing the martyr. I was giving myself this elevated sense of righteousness and I was no longer in partnership with my wife. I continued to withdraw myself away from her.

If you’re in the drama triangle, no one wins. Everyone loses. It sucks. And you know that it sucks, for everyone.

The solution is to wake up. Become aware that you’ve entered the triangle, learn the unconscious patterns that continue to keep you trapped in the loop so that you can begin to step out.

If you find yourself in Victim mode, the way out is beginning to ask yourself, “What do I want?” See yourself as the Creator.

For me, I realized that what I wanted is quite simply some time for myself as well. To do what I whatever wanted. Whether that means time alone to strategize on my business, to go do something by myself or have a night out with the guys. But instead, I played victim. I whined. I didn’t spend time to go inward and get clear on what I want, and if I was clear, I didn’t ask for it.

If you find yourself in Persecutor mode, the way out is seeing yourself or the other as a Challenger. From a self-compassionate place, begin to ask yourself empowering questions or begin to receive challenging questions openly.

In this instance, the challenger was both my wife and my coach. My wife, though I didn’t deserve it, started to lovingly challenge and create space for me to grow in this. She started to ask empowering questions like, “How can you also feel free and fulfilled after my dance shows? What do you want for yourself?” My coach asked empowering and challenging questions like, “Do you like feeling this way?” “How would you actually like to show up for yourself and for your wife?”Becoming open to challenge creates room for you to shift your mindset and into the next version of yourself.

If you find yourself as Rescuer, start to see yourself as a problem-solver. I explained earlier that I went deeper into my victimhood by doubling down on my tasks in a resentful way. I begrudgingly cleaned the house. Begrudgingly stayed up to finish the work I didn’t get to do. It was all out of resentment. To step out of this rescuer/martyr mindset, begin to establish boundaries, co-create powerful agreements and make sure they are rooted in partnership.For me, I stepped into an invitation to create clear agreements with my wife. There was no vagueness around the vision we saw for our partnership and the behaviors we needed to show to follow up with the shared vision. She didn’t need to rescue me. She can expect that I will speak up and ask for what I want and she will also do the same.

What’s interesting is that when I began to discover these behaviors and the insidious mindsets behind them, I started to see them show up in my business. I started to notice the areas of my coaching practice where I hid from what I want. I started to notice when I didn’t speak up and resentment built up toward the other. Sure enough, it leveled up the work I partnered on with my clients.

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We started to notice places in which they withdrew from asking a higher fundraising amount, a new title, a raise, requests from their employees - areas where unspoken expectations were in place without ever explicitly coming to an agreement about them.

When we shine a light and do the work in one area of our life, it tends to cascade into others!

Where in your life are you playing victim? Where are you ready to be a creator?Where are you ready to step into powerful agreements?

My invitation is to reply to this email, set up a time with me or another professional if you’re going through this. You are not alone and there’s an effortless and more enlivening way to live this life on the other side. If it’s available for me, it’s certainly available for you!

Much Love.JomarPS: If you want to learn more about the Drama Triangle, click here»

As I reflect on this experience, I don’t regret the intention I had with this person. I saw the best in her. I saw the truth of her potential. I knew what she could be and it was my job to draw that out. I do regret the way in which I executed on it though.

In Kim Scott’s book, Radical Candor, she submits that in order to participate in a healthy feedback relationship, you must care about them personally and challenge them directly. In essence, this is what radical candor is about. You must actively and intentionally be doing both.

I believe in this framework. It’s powerful when it’s employed properly and with integrity. I teach this framework to leaders all the time. It’s my go-to. But there’s an important step before it that all leaders must do before stepping into a radical candor relationship. They must create powerful agreements.

You see, I believe that I was being radically candid with my direct report. I cared for her deeply. I cared about her growth and her success. I knew about her personally too. I knew how much she loved her dog, her partner and Drake. And I wasn’t afraid to challenge her directly. I knew it was necessary to tell her hard truths in order for her to grow.

What I failed to do was co-create powerful agreements with her.

Thriving Under Powerful Agreements

We thrive under structure and we generally understand the reason why hierarchies exist in the workplace. However, nobody likes to be told what to do. I have a 2 year old and she hates being told what to do. It’s in our DNA. With that said, we do thrive under clear expectations and the freedom to create within well understood boundaries.

This is what agreements can do. They can create a field in which your team can flourish.

Here are some powerful agreements I’ve created with teams and 1:1 clients:

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Coaching is a 200% relationship

With clients, we agree to bring our whole selves. We hide nothing and hold nothing back. We make the coaching space safe enough so we can make powerful requests of one another. If something feels uncomfortable to say or do, we agree to lean into it.

Fun is Freedom

We take the work seriously but we don’t take ourselves too seriously. One way in which we do this is by allowing one weekly meeting to spend the first 5 minutes settling in. In this meeting, we don’t jump straight into work mode. We keep the first part of the meeting light. We agree to create room for laughter and water cooler talk. We bring in silly questions like “Is a hotdog a sandwich?” and spend a few minutes laughing as we debate on them.

Permission for Feedback

Hearing hard truths is a challenge. Both parties need to be in a good mind space to participate in tough conversations. So before we do, we agree to ask for permission.

Here’s how I asked recently: “Hi! I had some thoughts (positive and constructive) regarding that meeting we just had. Is now a good time to talk through it? All good if we need to wait, let me know when you’re okay to hear it.”

I’ve found that asking for permission is a respectful way to honor someone’s boundary and wellbeing. It’s an effective way to show that you care about someone personally while being committed to their growth.

To Serve, Not to Please

This is hard for me. I want everyone to like me. I want them to think I’m awesome to work with and I can’t stand the feeling of pissing someone off. But I remember that I’m not here to please my clients. I’m here to serve them.

To that end, we know that problems arise because we created it with a standard of thinking that needs to evolve. In order for our thinking to continue to grow, we must be willing to step into service by challenging our thinking. We must be willing to piss each other off. We must be willing to allow the discomfort.

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How I wish I could have co-created agreements like these with my direct reports back when I became Head of Sales. It might have been different if we all agreed that hard truths were necessary for us to grow together. Leaning into challenging conversations would have been a norm. It would have lifted the field we were playing in. We would have come to the table with a clear understanding of the mindset we must operate with to be successful together.

How about you? What agreements could you co-create with your co-founder, partner, direct reports or children?How would that change the arena you’re playing in?

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

On the other hand, I was this short (5’5), soft-spoken, dude who grew up in the boonies and the only thing I had going for me was that I was a decent guitar player and singer with a rich repertoire of John Mayer cover songs. By all accounts, there was no way I had a chance with her.

My inner critic basically had one sentence. It said,

“She’s too tall for you, dude.” 

And for years, I believed that inner critic.

That simple but pernicious statement of “She’s too tall for you, dude” consumed my whole being. It made me feel small, which was not helping given that I was already 5 inches shorter than her. But it made me feel unworthy. It made me feel undeserving. I felt like I would never be good enough. I felt like there was so many other dudes she could get with that was taller, more handsome, more white, more capable and perhaps came from a family with more money. This is why we kept breaking up. I felt like if she knew the real me, she’d reject me.

This is what imposter syndrome does. It makes you feel like you don’t belong. It makes you feel like you shouldn’t even be in the game.

Look at this picture below. Look at what I would have missed out on if I believed my inner critic. All because the girl I liked was 5 inches taller than me.

I was coaching a CEO of a multimillion dollar company last week and she was caught up in her inner critic. She was caught up in her feelings of unworthiness. Man, I felt for her.

How could this extremely successful, bad ass of a woman allow herself to feel like this?

But that’s the thing. Imposter syndrome doesn’t discriminate. If it’s not affecting you, you’re likely in denial. The truth is imposter syndrome is a feature, not a bug. (Thanks Rich Litvin, for that insight). It’s a sign that you’re playing a big game.

I want to take this opportunity to share with you the lessons I shared with this CEO in hopes that it won’t take you over a decade to make friends with your inner critic.

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There are essentially 3 steps to alleviating imposter syndrome: Identify, Dis-identify, and Re-identify.

1. Identify

This step is about slowing down and coming to awareness. It’s becoming aware of your thinking, feeling and behavioral patterns. They’ll be thoughts like “I’m gonna be caught as a fraud” or “I don’t think I deserve to be here”. A sneaky behavior that’s disguised as a good thing is overworking, but be careful; rooted in imposter syndrome, overworking is just a dysfunctional coping mechanism to avoid your feelings of not belonging.

The important part here is to slow down. This is why developing a mindfulness practice is key. So that when you’re in the arena, you will have already trained your nervous system to become aware of these insidious patterns quicker.

2. Dis-identify

This step is about creating space between you and the thought, feeling and/or behavior. It’s important that in this step, you don’t deny, dismiss, avoid, isolate, rationalize or numb out. That’s not what this step is about. It’s about acknowledging the thought and feeling. Observing it. Creating space for it.

In meditation, we call this practice, developing your inner observer. There’s a part of you that’s independent and not hardwired into the rest of your nervous system. It’s what allows you to respond rather than react.

Dis-identification is the activation of your inner observer. When you practice this step, you create an opportunity to acknowledge what’s going on for you, without over-identifying or being consumed by it; whatever thought, feeling or behavior it might be.

3. Re-identify

This step is about aligning yourself with a higher state of being. It’s about connecting with a deeper sense of who you truly are. It’s the part of you that experiences peace independent of any outcome. It’s when your okayness is not rooted in what others think of you, what results you have or what you happen to do for a living.

This is the part of you that’s always been there before you had a name. It’s the part of you that’s unchanging. The part of you that is incorruptible. The part of you that is of the Infinite.

In meditation, they might call this the soul. Or the Divine. Or that which is just beyond the farthest reach our finite minds can imagine.

If these words have a tiny resonance within you, then you’ve likely already tasted it. You’ve already felt it. As far as I’ve experienced, this life seems to be about the ongoing recalibration to this part of ourselves. And again, if these words have a stirring effect within you, it’s likely that you’re already on the path. It’s likely you’ve already felt a tiny sense of a coming home to the truth of who you are.

In order to better habituate ourselves to this way of being, the path will require more silence, stillness and solitude. One of those three or all of them. It will require a sincere openness to this experience. It will require an honest and humble search.

Finding it could be through long walks. Or bike rides. Or sitting at the beach and looking at the sky.Anything in nature. 

As you keep searching for this depth, be gentle with yourself. Be kind. It’s a lifelong process and you’ve got time.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

I could go on and on about the first two, but it’s the last one that has been coming up a lot in my coaching conversations so I’ll spend some more time there.

Tantrums, Teenagers & Parenting Ourselves

It is wild (and also, not surprising) to know how many parallels there are between good parenting advice and the consultations I offer to leaders I coach. One thing that is currently happening for my 3 year old, Maisie, is she’s becoming more aware of her body and her emotions. During this developmental phase, she doesn’t have the capacity to regulate them. Apparently, some version of this will keep going until they are in their mid-20s, when their prefrontal cortex is fully developed. No wonder teenagers are dramatic sometimes 😆!  Everything can feel intense, almost immediately. Many emotional experiences can still feel new for Maisie and her nervous system has never dealt with it before. Therefore, she is reactive. When she feels anger, her whole body acts out; and when she is sad, her whole body collapses. There is no medium and it seems like everything is extreme. Her emotions will become her whole reality.

It’s during these moments that parents are invited to sit with the child’s feelings and hold space. According to child psychologist, Dr. Siggie Cohen (@dr.siggie IG), a tantrum has three parts: a beginning, a middle and an end. She encourages parents to allow the child the space to complete the whole cycle for themselves. They began the tantrum and they must be given space to own it and eventually, end it. The healthiest thing we can do for the child is to hold that space for them and allow them the time to end it.

There is another part to this that’s not quite explicit in the parenting books. What they don’t clearly say in the manual is to the extent that we hold space for our kiddos is the extent that we’ve held that space for ourselves. The question we are asked then is,

Do we take time to go within, during our most difficult moments, and hold our hearts the way that we’d want to hold our child’s? Do we take the time to learn how to parent ourselves?

From my experience, if we don’t do this work for ourselves, we’re not quite set up to go into the various arenas of our lives and do it for others.

You don’t have to have children to be invited to go into this inner work. It’s likely that in some part of your life, it is already necessary for you to hold space. It might be for your partner, your siblings, your direct reports or your colleagues. If you spend significant time with any human, you will be invited to hold space.

Training Our Nervous System

So then the invitation is to train your nervous system to hold space for yourself first. This is essentially what meditation is. It’s the training and preparing of your nervous system to be with hard things. So when the hard things do come up, you’ve already trained yourself to be with it, without being consumed by it.

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For example, the trap that I’ve always fallen into my whole life is feelings of limitation. I’ll come across this feeling when I’m not happy about my job, my bank account, my marriage, my ability to find free time, my inability to watch the whole basketball game, my inability to get away from my kids — it really doesn’t matter what the external circumstances are; if I’m not taking care of myself, I’ll make up that something in my external reality is trapping me.

What meditation has done is it’s allowed me to focus my attention inward with gentleness and kindness. My previous way of being would be to escape, to avoid or to deny the feelings of being trapped. By cultivating mindfulness, I’ve trained myself to slow down and go within. I can be with the feelings that come up. I can sit with them and I can just let them be. I can hold my inner child. Just like Maisie’s tantrums, my cycle has a beginning, a middle and an end. When I give myself space, the cycle will complete itself. I can feel into the depths of my pain or my loneliness. I can let the feelings be a part of my reality and I’ve learned not to let them consume me.

I’ve discovered that as I’ve expanded my capacity to do this for myself, I have become more generous and compassionate with others when they’re going through something challenging. I can just be with them. I’ve done this for execs, founders of multi-million dollar startups, ex-Olympians, my closest friends, my kids and my loving wife. The same thing always happens when they are given the space to complete the cycle: they come back to a regulated state of being and they become more confident in solving whatever problem was in front of them.

So my dear friends, my heartfelt invitation is this: Go inward. Build the capacity to deepen your awareness of what’s happening inside you. Cultivate your ability to just sit with it all, without judgement or wanting to repair. Just sit. You can train your nervous system to do this through silence, stillness and solitude. You can do it through meditation. It can be a super Zen meditation or it can be spending weekends at the beach. It could be taking walks in the morning before you work. It could be journaling or having a gratitude practice. It could be hiring a therapist to receive healing from your trauma. It could mean hiring a coach to mirror things back to you. My wife loves to take baths, sit in stillness in the backyard or go to acupuncture. Whatever it is, take that time for yourself, invest in yourself, and nourish yourself so you’re prepared for when the hard things come.

You’ll find that to the extent you cultivate this within yourself is the extent that you actually experience true success in your life.

This is the ongoing invitation for all of us and it’s a lifelong journey too. We are invited to go into the depths of ourselves and witness how beautiful the whole experience of our humanity can truly be. All of it. The good, the bad and everything in between.

Warning: The truth will set you free, but first it will sting.

But that’s the kind of sacrifice true freedom requires.

I believe in you. You can do this. You can be with hard things.And they won't destroy you.

Your freedom is waiting.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

For example, I was coaching an entrepreneur/investor a couple weeks ago who was considering making a huge investment in a business. It would be his biggest investment yet. The problem was a few people around him, including his partner, were not a fan of the idea. During our session, I could feel his excitement and conviction about the investment. I could also feel the internal conflict he had, knowing that his partner did not feel the same way.

Do you feel the tension of the opposites in this scenario?

On the one hand, this person has a deep conviction about where they want to go. And on the other, they’ve got someone they care about that makes it feel like they’re being held back.

This is an especially difficult place to be in. It felt like he had to choose between one or the other. But in reality, there was a third way hiding in plain sight. All he had to do was hold the tension of the opposites.

I sat with him for a few moments. I acknowledged the weight of it. Then I asked him, “Do you think you are able to create space and hold this tension for now?”

He paused.

During this pause, I can feel that an insight was coming through. You see, we often want to give people the answers but it’s always more powerful to ask them a question that could help them towards a more powerful insight for themselves.

After a few moments, he said, “I think so. I mean I’ve done my homework here and I do believe it’s a good opportunity. If I’m wrong, I’m okay with that. But I’m willing to find out. And we’ll be okay regardless. I just hate the feeling of disappointing my partner, so I just need to be okay with that.”

This is what happens when you give yourself space to hold the tension of the opposites. A new thing comes through. For this investor I was coaching, it was the insight of being okay with disappointing someone he loves, while not invalidating their emotions or his convictions. The third way was holding space for his partner’s fear, becoming present to hearing it and being able to stand in his conviction.

When Jung introduced the idea of “holding the tension of the opposites”, he admittedly was pointing to the first law of thermodynamics. Essentially, thermodynamics is a branch of physics that studies the relationships between heat, temperature, work and energy. To put it another way, thermodynamics is the study of how the universe organizes itself.

The first law of thermodynamics states that opposites must be present and in tension with one another, in order for energy to move through. Think of a burning log. The fire, a type of energy state, engages the log, another type of solid energy state, to create smoke; a new form of energy that emerges from the clashing of two opposites. Oceans, planets, and stars all operate under the first law of thermodynamics; including us, humans.

So consider your life right now. What opposites exist? I’m willing to bet that there is some sort of disorder replacing the order and comfort you’ve established for yourself.

What are the opposites in your life?And once you identify them, are you able to hold space for both?Could you trust that this is how the universe works?

And by trusting, what new creation or new birth might be waiting for you on the other side?

Maybe you’ve just taken on a new leadership role. There are behaviors that got you here, but it’s likely that your success in this new role requires surfacing old thinking habits, to allow for a new version of you to come through.

Maybe you’ve been with your partner for many years. And the intimacy feels stale. Perhaps it’s time to take inventory of what used to work for your relationship and toss out the things that don’t work anymore, in order to make room for a new iteration of your intimacy.

The way of the universe is to go from order, disorder to reorder. (Btw, I’m now alluding to the second law of thermodynamics, look it up). In this universal truth, you have the power to hold the tension of the opposites. Another way of seeing it is grieving. Holding the tension of the opposites is grieving.

Grieving is being with all the emotions. Honoring the way of the universe is to not bypass the grieving. Hold the tension of the opposite emotions. Joy, sadness, anger and everything in between. Allow them to be here. Sit with them. And they’ll pass through. They always do, because it’s how the system is designed. However, we get to play the important part of holding it. We need to consciously choose to play that part. Otherwise, the energy will become stagnant and this is how we get stuck.

My friends, you’ve got so much power.

You’ve been entrusted with the ability to hold space for all of the most intense energies of the world.

The truth is, deep inside you is the imprint of the Universe itself. You consist of the same energies that was there during the origin of the cosmos. You’re more powerful than you know.

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The path is to remember this Ultimate Truth.

And if there’s a stirring inside you as you read these words, the good news is you are already on that path.

So then, your job is to keep waking up.

Go to the edge my friends. Lean, ever so gently, towards discomfort. There is new life there. That’s just how it all works.

That is just how it's all kindly designed.Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

It wasn’t all rainbows 🌈 and butterflies 🦋 though.

I volunteered my time as a musician and at one point, I became the lead worship leader. In the Christian scene, this was a big deal. Just like any system, there was a hierarchy in this church and as someone who was an influential individual in the organization, I had a part in the hierarchy.

In that hierarchy, there was a music director who was essentially my boss.

During one of our meetings, I confided that I was having a hard time with a girl. I was going through a break up and I felt depressed. I remember him saying the right words, words I wanted to hear but there was zero empathy. He didn’t feel present to my pain.

This boss was a good person and he was doing his best at the time, and yet, I can’t deny the fact that there was a missed opportunity to connect with me.

A few years later, I worked at a startup. It had only been a few weeks and I was feeling imposter syndrome. That phrase didn’t exist before but I knew something felt off. My wife was also a few weeks into her first pregnancy, so I was feeling the stress of a lot of recent transitions. New job, new dad, new location, and new boss.

During a 1:1 with my new boss, I confided that I was not feeling like myself. I was considering going to therapy or coaching and I asked for his support. His response was worse than the musical director.

It was silence.

There was zero acknowledgment.

I remember that there was maybe a nod and then we probably moved on to the next topic on our list.

Kim Scott, author of Radical Candor says that,

“We undervalue the emotional labor of being a good boss. It’s not just part of being a good boss. It’s the KEY to being a good boss.”

Was I looking for my bosses to be my therapist?

No.

Was I expecting them to solve my problem for me?

No.

I wanted empathy.

I wanted a couple moments, maybe a few seconds, of them being present with the vulnerability I’ve just shared. Even if they didn’t understand what I was going through, I wanted them to believe me and be willing to support me.

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If you watch the Brené Brown series on HBO, Atlas of the Heart (she wrote a book with the same title), you’ll see her emphasize this at the end of the first episode. She says that we don’t do a good job of listening to each other when we’re vulnerable AND we don’t believe each other when we speak our truths. We hesitate to believe others’ difficult experiences because we’re too vested into our own reality and believing the other would threaten the comfortable world we’ve built for ourselves.

That’s what happened with my previous bosses. My reality threatened whatever comfortable worlds they built.

Connect With Yourself to Connect With Others

The last ten years have been absolutely transformative for me. I’ve stepped into commitments that have required some intense shadow work. Getting married, becoming a father, and choosing the professional coaching path have all deepened me.

The therapy and coaching work have all given me access to the fullness of my being. I am more connected to my wholeness than ever before. And it’s empowered me to be of service to others.

I can more immediately recognize and create space for fear. For hurt. For doubt. For pain. For uncertainty.

Although this inner work is never over, I’ve been able to be more receptive to what Joseph Campbell calls as, my True Self. The one that’s been there all along. It’s like in Frozen 2, when Elsa found out that who she was looking for the entire time was herself. It’s the hero’s path.

Brené talks about this path. To the extent that we connect deeply with ourselves is the extent that we’ll connect with others. Both don’t happen in silo from one another. They happen simultaneously, in parallel with each other.

Your path will look different than mine.

Whatever vocation you pour yourself into will require this shadow work. There is just no other way around it and the invitation to a deeper experience of who you are will always show up.

That’s the other thing about this path to connecting with yourself. It’s always an invitation. It never imposes. It also isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s easier to build a world of comfort and then just stay there. There’s no need to go anywhere else.

But if you answer your hero’s journey, know that while there will be challenges ahead, there is aliveness on the other side.

If you resonate with the tonality of this message, then on some level, you’re already on the path. A simple 1:1 with your direct report, a meal with your partner or playing pretend with your kiddo will have more meaning on this path. They are all opportunities to connect. To feel. To be with someone. To sit with them.  And at the same time, be with the vastness of your humanity.

My friends, I hope you take on the challenge of this emotional burden of leadership in all arenas of your life.

May you be brave.

May you be vulnerable.

May you listen and believe.

And may you be childlike along the way.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

This was a completely new world to me and the behavioral norms were foreign.

There was this one specific behavior that I used to have harsh judgement towards. You see, CAA was an extremely competitive and ruthless environment. Everyone wanted to rise up the ranks. Everyone wanted to represent and work with some of the most powerful celebrities in Hollywood. If you were new, the way to succeed would be to take up space and ask for what you want.

I had extreme judgements against these people.

Who do they think they were?What makes them special?What makes them deserve to rise up the ranks?

I was not aware of it then, but these were the same exact questions my inner critic were asking me.

Who do you think you are?What makes you special?What makes you deserve to rise up the ranks?

So I responded with this self-righteous approach. I thought that my hard work would speak for itself. I thought that’s how I would get noticed. I thought I was above the competitive nature. 

But it backfired. I ended up blending in. I played small. I didn’t ask for what I want.

Thankfully, I left on good terms but years later, I realized I had this resentment that lingered as I watched my fellow colleagues go on to be agents at CAA. They were experiencing great success and I felt left behind.

Now, let me be clear, there were probably other things at play in that system that might have prevented a brown dude like me from rising up the ranks. And while that might be true, I recognize that I also played a part in distancing myself from opportunities.

I didn’t lean into finding my voice and taking up space.

I didn’t ask for what I want.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. I would love if you shared this with your friends and loved ones!

Believing Your Worth

I started working with a new client recently. She’s the founder of a successful CPG brand that’s selling in stores all over the country. As I look at her, I feel in awe of her success.

In our recent session, she expressed a deep concern she’s feeling as she’s about to go raise funds for her company.

“I have a hard time asking for what I want.” She said, with tears in her eyes.

So I asked her if she was willing to put her hand on her heart. She did. Together, we took deep breaths. Naturally, she closed her eyes.

I asked her if she could feel the part of herself that was worthy, no matter how much money she raises.

I asked her if she could feel the part of herself that is complete to begin with, despite all her previous achievements and all the success she’ll have in the future.

I asked her if she can feel the Love that she is, before all the stories of who she needs to be so the world will accept her.

There was silence. And tears. And more silence. And a smile. Sometimes, the truth needs only a little bit of light to grow.

Learning From Kanye

In the Netflix trilogy about Kanye West called Jeen-yuhs, there is a moment when we witness Yeezy shoot his shot.

He’s in the studio with Jay-Z as they record a song that he produced for him.

During this time, everyone knew Kanye as the beats guy, but his dream was to be a superstar rapper. Kanye recognizes his moment and seizes it. He asks to have a verse on the song.

Jay-Z says yes.

Kanye kills the verse.

Afterwards Jay-Z says,

“Closed mouth don’t get fed. You wouldn’t have said nothing, you wouldn’t have been on that.”

The rest is history.

Many people might glaze over that moment in the documentary, especially if you’re not really feeling Kanye these days. I wouldn’t blame you.

But for me, there was a beautiful vulnerability that was modeled for us in that moment by Kanye. Jay-Z called it out too. He told Kanye that what happened would not have been possible if he didn't speak up, if he didn't ask for what he wants. It was beautiful. You can see that Kanye came from the heart. We saw an artist in his humanity, stepping into what he wants, stepping into his desire, and going for it.

That’s what it’s like when you take up space and ask for what you want. It’s vulnerable. It’s scary. The world might reject you.

But what gifts is the world missing out on if you don’t ask?

We may have missed out on College Dropout if Kanye didn’t ask.

My friends, dream your biggest dreams.

Please. Take up space.

Ask for what you want.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

- Jean Baker Miller

I am the firstborn of three boys. What that means is I was the guinea pig for my parents. They didn’t know their identity as parents yet, so they were just trying to figure out.

I myself have only been a parent for 5 years and I know what this feels like. You’re fresh off a life where you could do whatever you want with your partner. If you wanted to go away for a weekend, you could do so on a drop of a dime. Date nights were more spontaneous. As a relatively new parent, I know what it feels like to be grieving that previous life you had, plus making room for a new role you are stepping into as parent.

On top of that, we grew up really poor and surviving was the main thing on my parents’ minds. They were just trying to make sure we were fed.

So you can imagine what type of conflict resolution model was given to me as a child. Growing up, I perceived it as a lot of fights and bickering. A lot of anger.

But now that I’ve grown, I find myself grateful for what my parents taught me about conflict.

The lesson is threefold:

* Lead into conflict

* Own your thoughts and feelings

* Reconcile through a love language

Lead Into Conflict

We grew up with unique ways of how to relate with tension. Some of us grew up in a household where the emotional thermostat was always at a cool 68 degrees. If it got higher than 75 degrees, you’d never know it. It was either never addressed or those types of emotional conversations happened behind closed doors.

For me, it was the opposite. My parents had conflict out in the open. If it was behind closed doors, you can still hear it on the other side. Early on, I was taught that leaning into conflict was the norm. And I knew very quickly what it looked like.

It was messy. It was emotional. It felt intense at times.

As an adult, although it’s not my natural default to lean into conflict, my nervous system was familiar with it. I’m one of those who is naturally able to hold this tension. But this isn’t the case for everyone.

In my work as an executive and leadership coach, I teach the Radical Candor framework to companies as a way to share feedback. It requires both caring for the other personally, as well as being able to directly and lovingly challenge the other.

The folks that have the hardest time with this exercise are the ones who grew up with their emotional thermostat at 68 degrees. So if you’re in this camp, I empathize with you. Leaning into conflict is new. It’s not a neural pathway that’s immediately available to you. While the only way to build it is by leaning into conflict opportunities, know that the neural pathways can be built! This is the main idea behind neuroplasticity. We are wired to create new ways of thinking and behaving!

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Owning your thinking and feeling

This is the part where my parents modeled the “what not to do” in conflict resolution. They let things escalate. They projected their feelings and thinking on one another. At times, they didn’t fight fair. To their credit, they got much better by the time kiddo #3 was in the mix. There wasn’t much education about conflict resolution during that time, especially in a third world country, so I give them so much credit for learning on the fly.

They learned to give space between stimuli and response. They learned to be with their own emotions before re-engaging.

If you are offended by someone’s behavior, and you recognize that it’s a conflict that needs to be resolved, it’s important for you to own your feelings. That means acknowledging to yourself that you were hurt and/or offended. It means allowing yourself to feel and ultimately, freeing the other from acknowledging their part in it.

If you decide to, you can choose to make them aware of the impact of their behavior. But whether they acknowledge your feelings is their choice. This is essentially what forgiveness is. It’s letting someone off the hook, even if they don’t know it. Especially if they don’t know it.

Reconcile through a love language

The single biggest reason why I am able to lean into conflict is because of this: my parents ALWAYS made up. They ALWAYS reconciled.

It doesn’t matter how intense the fight was (and there were times when the yelling matches were intense), my parents ALWAYS made up.

I took this for granted back then. But how I love this about them now.

I didn’t know it then, but when I saw them making up, it offered me a complete model of what conflict can look like. The full picture of conflict into resolution became embedded in my nervous system and it serves me powerfully as an adult. It gave me a complete look of what’s on the other side.

I found them laughing. I found them having a deeper understanding of one another. I found them sharing a deeper love.

My parents discovered their unique process towards reconciliation. It was through humor and touch. They reconciled through words of affirmation too.

If you’re going to lean into conflict, you need to decide ahead of time that you will be committed to reconciliation. That no matter how hard it gets, you will do your part to come back together with the other. Of course, have boundaries. Certainly, trust your wisdom when reconciliation is no longer possible. The important thing is you commit to playing your part.

It will take understanding their point of view. It will take hearing them first. It will require you being vulnerable. And trusting that you will be okay, no matter their response.

Then, when you are prepared to reconcile, offer an olive branch through one of the five love languages. Caveat: if you’re in a work setting, it’s probably wise to hold off on the Touch love language. But be ready to use the other four: 1) Words of Affirmation 2) Acts of Service 3) Quality time 4) Receiving gifts.

Again, if you grew up in a household where this wasn’t modeled for you, consider your journey as an opportunity to break that cycle. You don’t need to perpetuate what was handed down. You can take the best of what you’ve learned and then leave the rest.

Finally, the last thing I want to say is this:

If you are stepping into leadership, know that the responsibility you bear by default is to lead into conflict. You must model this. Leadership can include the spectrum of stepping into a more committed relationship all the way to an executive role at a company. Whatever it is, your growth will require for you to step into learning how to handle conflict. The only way through is by diving in.

My friends…

Normalize conflict in your life. Normalize acknowledging hurt feelings. This is the path to a deeper experience of our humanity.

Lead and lean into conflict.It can be quite liberating.

PS: To my parents, Mami and Papa, thank you for letting your kids see you work through your messy-ness. We’re all better off because of you. I love you!

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

In 2016, I was promoted into the first sales leadership role I’ve ever had in my career. There were maybe a handful of us promoted into sales leadership and I was the only person of color in the role. Furthermore, all of my bosses were white males.

I felt accomplished. And proud of myself. I also felt alone.

What I didn’t know about myself back then is that I immediately avoid unpleasant feelings by shifting into what’s positive about a situation. Unconsciously, I resisted feelings of aloneness by creating joyful experiences for my team. I’d make jokes during meetings. I’d try to make people laugh. I’d shy away from hard conversations by magnifying small things into HUGE wins.

The reality was I didn’t feel like I belonged. I felt unsupported. I felt like people were just waiting for me to fail since I was the only person of color that was a sales leader.

What got you here, won’t get you there

When I coach new leaders, especially execs, I always offer this distinction that the mindsets and behaviors that got them into their current level of success won’t get them to their next level of success. I know this because I fell into this trap too.

My mindset about leadership at that point was to please. If I please you, I am leading you.

Our mindsets are embedded so deep into our programming, we’re not aware that they’re no longer serving us. Even worse, we don’t notice that they’re no longer serving our people and our purpose in the world.

In 2016, I did a disservice to everyone around me by learning to please them. If they liked me, that means I’m doing a good job. For my direct reports, it meant withholding significant feedback that might hurt their feelings. For the senior management, pleasing them meant not telling them my lived experience as the only person of color on the sales leadership team.

Thank you for reading A Sunday Kind of Blog. This post is public so feel free to share it.

Do you ever have moments in your life where you wish you could travel back so you could do better?

This is one of those moments for me. I’d go back to 2016 with a different mindset. I’d go back with a new distinction about leadership.

The new distinction would be that true leadership is about serving, not pleasing.

If I’d had the service leadership mindset, then I would not have withheld important feedback from my team. I would have been more transparent with them. I would have asked for their help. The way I would have served them is through vulnerability. I’d go back to Day 1 and I’d say,

“Look, I’m nervous. This is my first go at this thing and I’m afraid to do the wrong thing. I’m afraid I’ll look foolish. I need your help. These are our goals and I need you to tell me what you need from me, how you want me to serve you, how you want me to lead you, so you feel positioned to meet these goals with us.”

If I had this service mindset, I’d immediately tell one of my direct reports that I was offended by their behavior. That I care about them and developing a good relationship with them. And in order to do that, it meant highlighting a behavior that impacted me in a way they might not have been aware of. Instead, I ignored it. I let it be. And then I ended up being passive aggressive with them in front of the group during a meeting.

If I had a service mindset, I would have pushed back against the HR team who was calling me daily asking me about my management process. It felt like they were looking for holes, instead of actually training me. Instead of just going along with their questions and playing nice, I would’ve asked them if they were doing this to other managers too, or just me. It would have been an opportunity to speak truth to a system unaware of invisible behaviors it was subtlety reinforcing.

But I didn’t want to rock the boat. It would mean I wasn’t pleasing others. It would mean I would be disliked. And because I was more concerned about myself and the perception I wanted others to have of me, I did a disservice to the system.

That was one of the hardest times of my life. I was so mad, mostly at myself, for not seeing it sooner.

But I also hold compassion for myself. I often tell my clients that if they had known better, they would have done better.

I take that advice too and hold compassion for myself. For my heart. I didn’t know better. And if I had, I would have done better. For me, my path meant learning the distinction between pleasing and serving by going through that experience. And I’m so glad I did.

What about you? What mindsets got you here? How can these same mindsets prevent you from getting “there”?

There is a depth to this journey. It’s challenging, frustrating and tender. So if you reflect on these questions, be gracious to yourself if what you initially find is unnerving. Seek support.

But if you’re going to take on the burden of leadership, the truth is we need you to take on new mindsets. This is how you can serve us. This is how you can generate the most impact in the arenas you’re playing in. This is how you change lives.

Step into your great game. Follow the fear. Speak to it. Listen to its wisdom. The fear is trying to stop you from taking action. Listen to what action it’s preventing you from taking. And take that action. I promise you, there is a greater freedom on the other side.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

We've all had that manager. The one that feels like they're going through the motions, or they're bored, or unfulfilled. Most of the time, they feel like they are just phoning it in. In 1:1's with you, they are not present. They are bogged down by all their responsibilities and you're just another burden on their list of to-do's.

On the other hand, we've engaged with folks who are lit up. There's a magnetism about them. We want what they have. These are folks who feel alive and in gratitude. They are on purpose. They feel aligned.

There's a reason for this. These humans are connected to their inner authority. They have found and continue to cultivate their inner spark.

Carl Jung, one of my favorite psychoanalysts; talks about this inner spark, this instinctual desire, as libido, or "psychic energy". For Jung, libido is not just a predominantly sexual experience, as Sigmund Freud would claim. Jung believes it's much more than this.

Here's what Jung had to say:

"All psychological phenomena can be considered as manifestations of energy, in the same way that all physical phenomena have been understood as energic manifestations ever since Robert Mayer discovered the law of the conservation of energy. Subjectively and psychologically, this energy is conceived as desire. I call it libido, using the word in its original sense, which is by no means only sexual. [“Psychoanalysis and Neurosis,” CW 4, par. 567.]

For Jung, libido is about a human's penchant for energy and/or desire. It's in line with his belief that our psyche, a big part of what makes us human, self-regulates. It has intentionality. There's a grand and very human purpose to its design.

Libido is like water. This inner spark within us flows without us striving for it.

So what does this have to do with leadership?

Well, having spent thousands of hours coaching founders, CEO's, US olympians and ex-professional athletes, I can tell you that what they all have in common is this connection to their inner spark. They integrate their intellectual thinking into their bodies. They are embodied. They value their instincts and intuition. They're playful. They are determined to achieve their outcomes, but there's a healthy detachment to it as well, so they seem unafraid of failure.

For many of us, we’ve spent our lives behaving how the world tells us we ought to be. We act to please our parents or other authority figures. We grow up absorbing unconscious thinking patterns so that we can fit in the world. This is a good thing. It’s a necessary thing.

But this is also how we get stuck. We fall asleep to our True Self and fall asleep to our inner most desires. We live within the boundaries of supposed-to-be’s and shoulds.

I can’t tell you how often I come across a client that feels lost, or unclear, and it’s obvious that they’re not lit up.

There’s a longing to feel. There’s an aching to be alive. And they’re not sure where to start.

God, I know this feeling.

There’s a dullness to it. The world feels gray.

And if you're stuck, you must name this space. Name the emotions. Name its fatalistic nature. That’s how it loses its power.

Once you’ve courageously confronted this part, you will, by nature of how you are wired, instinctively get in touch with your inner spark. Again, Jung believed that libido, in its natural state, has an organic penchant for energy. It’s like water and it wants to flow. It has its own intelligence and once it is given permission to come through, it will effortlessly come through.

The tricky part about this topic is it’s such an intuitive conversation that lives in the gut. And to articulate it via the intellect, through words, is challenging. But, let’s keep going, shall we?

Ask yourself or work with a coach on these questions:

* What do you ache for?

* What is your dearest wish?

* What is your unspeakable desire?

The libido is raw by nature. Again, it’s your innermost life force. In order to get in touch with it, you must go where you haven’t allowed yourself to. You must be willing to explore and get curious about what lights you up, withholding self-judgement. There must be a willingness to feel silly, taboo or even unacceptable. Freedom lies in accepting the parts of us that we’ve kept hidden away for a long time.

Reading this might feel edgy for you. That makes sense. Aliveness is on the edge of desire.

You might feel like society will shun you if you confronted this part of you. That also makes sense. The ego defaults to the feeling of safety and desire feels dangerous.

With that said, from working with clients and with my own journey, the outward expression and manifestation of desire is almost always an outpouring of love. We’re human so we won’t always hit the mark. When we are imperfect, grace will be there. But this path to accessing your inner spark is so worth it.

As Abraham Maslow said, “what one can be, one must be”. We owe it to our singular human experience (as far as we know) to feel the full spectrum of who we can truly be. Let’s experience what’s it’s like to feel. Deeply. To yearn. Unapologetically. To be in full pursuit of our dreams. Without holding back.

This process bring us to life. And it can be our gift to others. It can be their permission to bring themselves to life too.

So again, I ask you...

What do you ache for?

What is your dearest wish?

What is your unspeakable desire?

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Cash Macanaya on Unsplash

Friends, after much deliberation, I decided to keep the name of this newsletter to what it has been: A Sunday Kind of Blog.

I want to send you so much gratitude for journeying with me so far. Your email inbox is, in a lot of ways, an extension of you opening up your mind and heart to me. I am grateful, I am honored, thank you.

In my missives from the past two weeks, I've alluded to refashioning this blog. The first part is done. We're sticking with the same name. I've decided to keep the name because why fix something if it's not broken? In the next few weeks, you can expect to see slight cosmetic changes, new email headers and lastly, the introduction of Volume 1.

I can't wait to show you!

With that said, I want to spend today's newsletter giving you the story behind the name: A Sunday Kind of Blog.

Some of you may have guessed already, but the title of the blog is inspired by the Etta James song: A Sunday Kind of Love.

When I was in my 20s, I used to listen to this song on repeat. I’d listen to it on my evening commute home, definitely on Sundays and whenever I wanted to just slow down and reflect; even get into my feelings. I am an extravert. I love to be around people, laugh and enjoy life. But when I turned on this song, it was my time to go inward.

It was the soundtrack to my longing. It was the soundtrack to my yearning.

Remember, I was in my 20s so part of the vibe was me dreaming about my future life partner. Yet, as I look back, I realize the song also gave me access to a deeper part of myself. It gave voice to the part of me that longed to be seen, known and loved. It gave voice to my soul.

This newsletter then, is an extension of that ongoing lifelong journey. More than a decade later, that voice has grown within me and it needed another expression so this newsletter was born. It is a journey of listening to the soul. Listening to stillness. The journey of coming home. The journey towards wholeness.

We also search for this wholeness everywhere; at work, at home, and in our relationships. This newsletter aims to document this wholeness search journey in all the arenas of my life; primarily with my most important roles as husband, father, and entrepreneur. By reading and/or listening, you’ve accepted the invitation to join me on this search. Hopefully, it's been an invitation for you to go on your own search too.

Ram Dass, a spiritual teacher, is most often quoted with saying, “We’re all just walking each other home.” That’s my intention with this newsletter. That when you read them on Sundays, whatever it might be about, whether it’s an entrepreneurial challenge, a coaching conversation, or me being vulnerable about parenthood or marriage; you can feel me walking with you through my struggles, my challenges and celebrations. You can feel us walking home together. 

So that's it. That's the story behind this newsletter.

Now, I can't wait for you to experience the next evolution. While I've got big visions for this blog to attract more readers (I'm at 200+, next stop is 1,000!), you can expect the same Sunday drops for the next little while. You can expect for me to keep telling you about my work as a coach in case some of you want to go deeper on your journey with me. You can also expect a volume series that ties together the themes I'm exploring in my life.

For now, I’ve got one request. Please share with your friends and family, if this is something you think they would like.

And I want to say thank you again. Next time you read this, it'll be the first newsletter of Volume 1.

Enjoy your week!

Love.

Jomar

Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

—

I have impulsive tendencies.

It’s a gift because some people think it’s spontaneous.

And sometimes it is.

It can be perceived as romantic. Like when I take my wife’s hand and dance in our living room in front of the kids.

It’s also a curse because I end up making bad decisions, especially when it’s mixed with anxiety and/or anger.

In my 20s, I committed a crime because of my impulsivity. It’s true. Thankfully, they didn’t press charges.

I’ve made terrible financial decisions due to my impulsivity.

Earlier this year, I made a terrible and impulsive financial decision. I made an impulsive bet. If it worked out, I might have been a genius. But it didn’t. And I suffered the consequence of being out a lot of money.

In life, we have traps we fall into. Sometimes we have to fall into them a few times before we learn. Hopefully, we don’t.

Pain & Suffering

Another lesson I learned from that financial experience was the distinction between pain and suffering.

Pain is the initial set of sensations and emotions you feel during an undesired experience.

Suffering is the unconscious projection of that pain into the future. It’s the shame-filled judgements we place on our experience. It’s believing that the pain isn’t momentary; it’s believing that it will last forever.

Pain is the somatic sensation and the emotions I felt when I lost the money. Nervousness, anxiety, trepidation, frustration, anger, fear.

Suffering is the ongoing (and unnecessary) narrative I fell into after the mistake was already acknowledged.

The narrative was insidious. It was playing in the background without my consent.

It started to say, “You stupid idiot. Why did you let this happen again? You’re such a d*****s.”

Suffering tends to be shame and guilt-ridden. It tends to be less about the behavior and more about your character too.

Suffering causes us to hurt others.

Brené Brown said, “When we're suffering, many of us are better at causing pain than feeling it. We spread hurt rather than let it inside.”

I was avoiding my pain so I unconsciously attached to the narrative of my suffering. It started to be my identity. And I hurt others because of it.

I wondered, dang, where did I learn those accusations?

That I’m an idiot? And a d*****s?

Where is that suffering narrative coming from?

Is that me? Or is that playing on its own?

In a mindfulness practice, one of the teachings is that we are not the authors of our thoughts. Tamara Levitt, Head of Mindfulness at Calm, says “With awareness, we can make conscious choices, instead of letting our habitual thoughts and patterns run the show.”

I made a conscious choice to be aware of my habitual and unconscious thought patterns. I decided they do not define me. I am not the author of that narrative. That’s something else that I unconsciously picked up from somewhere else. It’s a bug in the system. It needs reprogramming.

The reality I anchored into was that it was a mistake that cost a lot of money, full stop. I’m glad I learned it because when I am a multi-millionaire, I won’t have to learn that mistake again. I’m glad I paid for that mistake now.

I owned my impulsivity.

And that’s where it ends.

In fact, I’ll rise above it.

I’ll create that money back. By the time of this writing, I have created that money back, with interest. Because I’m not an idiot. I am creative. I am a creator of my world. The world is full of opportunities and I will be able to create that money again.

How about you?What mistakes have you punished yourself enough for?And where did you learn that?

Dear friend, you are human. You will make mistakes. That’s part of our existence.

But let your mistakes end there.

Don’t twist the knife.

Take ownership of the mistake.

And then, be gracious to yourself.

In Hebrew, grace literally means “protect life” or “protect essence” - so to be gracious to yourself means to protect your aliveness, your life force, your essence. To protect your True Self.

Grace, according to the dictionary, is a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine assistance.

So, being gracious to yourself, is a state of holy enjoyment. It’s a grounding in the truth of who you really are and receiving the ancient reality of your divine nature.

Please remember, feeling the pain of the mistake is the first step. Feel it. Notice the way your body reacts to it. That’s the antidote.

Suffering is trying to escape the pain and projecting it into the future.

Be gracious to yourself. You are of the Divine. Protect your essence. Remember who you are. Receive grace, it is yours to begin with.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

I hope you’re resting well this weekend.

If you read my newsletter last week, you’ll know that I’m on a reinvention journey. You see, I began a new career 7 years ago. I became a coach and I set out to be one of the best. I had dreams of working with business execs, tech leaders, athletes & creatives. I wanted to help them rediscover their original wholeness and well-being.

And holy s**t, I am doing that now.

It’s been a long journey of having other jobs, working long hours, making sacrifices, having kids, and all that to say, I believe that I’m just getting started.

Last week, I told you I was in a reinvention phase. I’m revamping my website and I’m refashioning this blog too.

There’s been a lot happening behind the scenes that is leading to this. Bigger opportunities, bigger clients and bigger risks. The biggest one is stepping deeper into my shadow work. I’ve gone further into my childhood trauma and have experienced some transformative healing. It’s changed everything especially the way I work with clients.

So I am evolving. I am shifting. And I’d like to take you through my process of evolution.

Truthfully, I had bigger plans for this blog. I wanted to have it all launched and looking pretty by now. I wanted to have new branding, a new structure, and a new vibe all around. I wanted it finished and completed and perfect.

Theodore Sturgeon, a fiction writer, once said that 90% of what we create is crap.

You see, my default is to hide the crap. I want you to think that I’ve got it all together in this empire I’m building. I want you to think that everything is already great. I want you to think that I’m crushing it.

Don’t get me wrong. I am incredibly grateful for where my life is right now.

But I still doubt my ability to sustain this journey of an entrepreneur. I still fear that I don’t have what it takes.  I still play it safe with what I put out there.

So I want to lean into playing it a bit unsafe with this blog. I want to let you in on the process of my becoming.

Here’s what is happening…

I am committed to being an extraordinary coach. I am committed to doing my own shadow work. I know that I can only take my clients as deep as I’ve gone myself.

I am committed to creating an extraordinary marriage. I am committed to being a present dad. I want to provide well for my family and live my professional dreams at the same time.

I am an artist at heart. I want to create. I want to make music. I want to write.

I want to be a multi-millionaire doing all of the things I mentioned above. I want to be trustable with wealth. I want to be generous with the wealth I am trusted with.

I’m going to get this blog more organized to invite you into my journey of creating and pursuing all of these bolder aspirations.

The name will change but I don’t know what it is yet.

Also, I want to you to be a fly on the wall while I coach people. I want to give you an inside look into what it feels like when I’m sitting with someone. So I’ll probably release some sort of audio of me coaching others.

I want my blog to have seasons. Like TV shows. Each season will have a theme.

Right now, I have a little over 200+ subscribers to this blog. I want to increase that to 1,000+. And then maybe tens of thousands after that.

Sheesh, feels pretty bold (and scary) to be in pursuit of all of this…

If you’re dreaming of creating something in your life; maybe it’s a business, or improving your marriage, or your sex life, or making more money, or changing careers, or stepping into a new art...

My hope is that my journey inspires you to go after whatever it is you want. My hope is that you deeply embody your innate worthyness and enoughness, and from that place of deep knowing, create the life you want.

This is what I do as a coach.I inspire others to unlock their potential. I empower them to believe in themselves.

So this is me, being messy, letting you in on my process, my insecurities and my doubts, because the process of believing in yourself is just that; it’s messy.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A reminder: We’re all gonna die. Eventually. Why not go after your greatest desires in this one life we get.

I’m scared it won’t work out. I’m scared I’ll never achieve my biggest dreams. I’m scared that I’ll invite you into this whole journey only to see me fail.

But f**k it, here I am. This is where we are. We’re going for the audacious.

You go for the audacious too…

Okay?

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by il vano on Unsplash

I’ve missed writing to you and I do pray you’ve been well. When I wrote my last missive in December of last year, I mentioned I would be taking a hiatus. I didn’t anticipate it would be this long.

A lot has changed in the world.

Again.

We’re in the midst of experiencing the biggest and most significant war in modern times. Inflation is forcing us to change our spending habits and it’s affecting the poor, most of all. The Lakers might not make the playoffs after being favored as the champs before the season began. Womp womp.

On the other side, the first successful xenogeneic heart transplant, from a genetically modified pig to a human patient, was reported in the US back in January 😱. We also had a team led by Stanford scientists report the fastest ever sequencing of a human genome, accomplished in just five hours and two minutes.

There is plenty to collectively grieve and celebrate.

In your 2022 so far, what are you grieving? And are you creating room for celebration?

A big reason for my hiatus is because I’ve gone deeper into my inner work. I thought there was nothing left to grieve but I was wrong. Childhood traumas, professional relationships, old ways of being, my business evolving are just the few on the list. 

In this process, I’ve become much more connected to the fullness of my existence. The depth of my human experience. While it shouldn’t come as a surprise, as it’s been my experience before; I find that I am quite surprised that on the other side of the grieving is even more spaciousness. More room. More freedom. More of my True Self. And that has been a cause to celebrate.

As I come out of my hiatus, I find that there is an invitation to reinvention. My life has blossomed like never before. The work that I get to do now as a coach has been years in the making. I am inclined to lean further into this reinvention phase. Everything that I am creating and am participating in will change. It already has.

I want to invite you into my reinvention in hopes of inspiring you to step into yours. In the next few weeks, this newsletter will be going through some sort of refashioning. The cosmetics will change. The title will change. The content will be the same and yet it will change too.

All that to say, here’s what you can expect in the content:

* I’ll continue to step into vulnerability.

* I’ll continue to explore the interconnectedness of life, leadership, parenthood, marriage and my work as an executive coach.

* I’ll continue to do my best in inspiring you to unleash your most heroic self, in the midst of your challenges.

As I take you on this journey, will you let me know what you’re enjoying? What you’d like more of? And what’s not working for you?

It would mean a whole lot if you did.

So…

If you would allow me, I’d like to end with a reintroduction of who I am and what I’m up to.

My name is Jomar Gomez.

I live in LA. I’m an immigrant, born in the Philippines. I am a husband, a father, a son and a brother.  I am a childhood trauma survivor. I am a lover of the arts. I am a pursuer of truth and wisdom. And I am in love with the depth of the human experience. These days, everything beautiful, sad and joyful makes me cry.

I own a successful private coaching practice.I serve execs, athletes, artists and VC leaders in unlocking their fullest potential. I also support the development of their companies too. I am passionate in the health and well-being of organizations and individuals. I strongly believe and have personally experienced that there is a way to throw ourselves into the work of our lives and not lose ourselves in the process. In fact, it can be quite enlivening.

I am living my dream.

My new dream is to be a millionaire and to challenge myself to give half of it away.

I want to invite you into this next phase of me and my work.

In that process, I hope to invite you into your new dreams and aspirations. Into your new way of being. And help you discover that you’ve been whole and enough all along.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

#NewHeadShotWhoDis

What stirs in your heart when you read that word?

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Back in 2015, days before Christmas, my father-in-law drove me, my wife and my mother-in-law back home after a wonderful evening of dinner. Around the same time that evening, a young lady drove the opposite direction on the same highway as us, while under heavy drug influence. Driving at least 45 miles per hour, likely more, she hit our car head on.

Miraculously, somehow, no one in our car was terminally injured. My mother-in-law got the worst of it and she needed to be in rehab for a year unfortunately. But to this day, I cannot believe that my Pop, my wife and myself were able to walk on our own that evening.

Six years after that accident, I find myself wondering about this idea of hope. I don’t need to know much about your story and I also don’t need to elaborate on the craziness that we’re still going through in these pandemic times, but I’m willing to bet you have wrestled with hope too.

Michael Neill, one of my teachers I’ve had the pleasure of learning from as a coach said this about hope:

“Hope is the magic elixir that energizes dreams, fuels possibilities, and pushes you to live beyond the limits of your habitual thinking. It’s not a promise that something you want will happen. It’s an invitation to enjoy the possibility of what you want, while you and life negotiate the eventual outcome.”

I’m writing my last missive of the year before I take a hiatus. I’ll be back some time early next year but for now, this is what I’d like to leave you with.

Hope.

Christmas is almost over and I’m writing this on my phone in my son’s bedroom. There’s a lot of unknown in the future, but as I sit here with him falling asleep, I reflect on all the miracles in my life that brought me here.

Not necessarily all the obvious ones like that head on collision.

But the tiny subtle ones.

Like the fact that all four of us in my household have Covid, but the symptoms are mild enough so we can enjoy Christmas.

Or how I almost lost the chance of being with my wife in my mid-20s but for some reason, the first therapist I met with actually worked out.  That never happens.

Or my kids. They are my tiny miracles everyday.

There’s nothing fancy or poetic in how I want to write this last #sundaykindofblog in 2021.

All I want to offer is hope.

There is hope in the midst of our grieving. There is hope in the midst of sorrow. Go deep into your suffering and you will find it.

I want to offer hope so you and I can both find each other on the other side.

Before you move forward into 2022, may you reflect back and realize that there is something unknowable, something inexplicable, that’s always sustained you.

And it’s sustaining you still.

The more you touch that space, the more you can enjoy the possibilities of what you want and be in full pursuit. Without holding back. And while you negotiate the outcomes with life, may hope be with you every step of the way.

Thank you for journeying with me this year.

Goodbye for now.

Till we meet again next year.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

The best part was Christmas Eve. We'd have noche buena, which is a tradition Filipinos inherited from our Spanish oppressors (hey, they didn't just rape and pillage our people, they brought good things too), and this was essentially the biggest feast we would celebrate on Christmas Eve. Imagine American Thanksgiving but on Christmas Eve; and instead of turkey, we'd have an assortment of Filipino food and a whole wheel of cheese.

After the feast, we'd go caroling and in my neighborhood, the tradition was all of the kids would go around to all of the houses to carol together and collect cash in return. At the end of the night, we'd split our earnings with each other. Imagine American Halloween, but instead of costumes, we walked around with homemade musical instruments and instead of candy, we got cash. Finally, it would be simbang gabi which means church in the evening. This meant the whole family would go to church service around midnight and celebrate Christ.

So early on, the experience I had with this holiday was warmth, love, family, money, good food & the story of Christ. The holiday was truly holy. It felt like a holy-day in every sense of the word.

Given that upbringing, I naturally found myself curious and fascinated by the story of this human who supposedly existed more than 2,000 years ago and went by the name of Jesus Christ. What made this guy so special that thousands of years later, humans around the world still celebrated his supposed birth?

I'll be honest. This blog won't even attempt to answer that question. The answer to that question is a lifelong journey. If you're reading this and you're someone that's been burned by religion, I would not blame you if you decide never to go on that journey. But if you decide to keep reading, my intention isn't to convert you, but to connect this story of Christmas to your wellbeing and the way you see the world now. Whether you believe the story is true or not is not in my control. Quite frankly, I don't really care if you believe the Christ story really happened. What I hope to create is a connection between the arc of the story and the arc of your life.

So for those who aren't familiar, the Christmas story is the nativity story. The nativity story is a refugee story. It's about a married couple, Mary & Joseph, running away from their home country because their own government wanted them killed. As the story goes, Mary became mysteriously pregnant while still a virgin and she was about to go through the world's first virgin birth. The government wanted them killed because the King at that time heard that Mary's baby was going to be the King of all Kings. So the order was given that all firstborns be killed. In Mary & Joseph's search for refuge, they found a humble manger and Jesus Christ was eventually born in what was essentially a farm house with all sorts of animals and needless to say, everything likely smelled of animal poop. Not the fanciest setting to be in for the person who was supposed to be the Messiah.

This story is even more striking because, again if you don't know, Jesus Christ is supposed to be one-third of the God trinity. Christ is supposed to be all human and all divine. Christ is supposed to be God-incarnated.

So God, the creator of the cosmos, the Alpha and the Omega, the One who precedes time itself, this being with all of her/his/their, omnipotence and holiness and mystery and presence; decided that their grand entrance into human consciousness would be through an infant, with refugee parents trying not to be killed, in a dirty ass manger, in a foul smelly ass barn.

This is the story of Christmas.

Again, whether you believe this actually happened doesn't matter. What strikes me is the messages it brings. There are a ton. But one message I'd like to focus on is this idea of being childlike. If God herself took on human form as a refugee infant, to experience human life, then what I'm gathering is that we are also invited to be childlike in our approach to our human life.

What would it look like to have a beginner's mind as we take on our next challenge?

In meditation, one key component is to have a beginner's mind every time you sit for your practice. The message is to witness your overthinking, your judging, your distracting as something you've never experienced before. And in that witnessing with childlike curiosity, you may create more space between you and your racing mind.

In the professional arena, we are invited to have a growth mindset. Carol Dweck, a Stanford professor and author of Mindset, she tells us that “In this [growth] mindset, the hand you’re dealt is just the starting point for development. The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts. Although people may differ in every which way—in their initial talents and aptitudes, interests, or temperaments—everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”

The story of Christmas is a deeper invitation into a growth mindset. I would submit that it's pointing us towards who we actually are as humans. It's pointing us to our original wholeness. Our original way of being.

This is why I am always asking my clients, "What would it look like to be playful and curious with this next mountain you're climbing?"

I am pointing to their original wiring. I am pointing to their capacity to be creative.I am pointing to their childlike wonder.

This is available to you. To me. To all of us.

My friends, whatever holiday you celebrate, may you create some space to rest in childlike wonder in the next couple weeks.

From my family to yours, Merry merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and Happy New Year.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Whenever I have opened up this conversation, the consensus seems to be that joy is complex. People will submit that joy is a feeling of happiness inside and it's also a consistent state of being. They'll also say that it's a sense of fulfillment or wholeness. It's a sense of having wisdom. I've gotten responses that joy is both ephemeral and enduring. Two conflicting ideas but joy seems to envelop them both.

If we look at what modern science says about joy, it reflects our natural tendencies to define it. It's a complex idea that encompasses a whole host of various emotions, ways of being and experiences. Nancy Etcoff, a professor in positive psychology at Harvard Medical School, says that joy is synonymous to happiness in that it "...is a big umbrella term that can mean different things to different people. We can view happiness in at least three ways—as a hedonic state, as a cognitive state, or as a general life philosophy."

If we look at what pop culture says, we'll see evidence of joy being a complex idea through a host of different narratives. The Pixar movie Inside Out for example, has a character named Joy. For much of the movie, Joy's character is all about the positive feelings of excitement, enthusiasm, and laughter. The marble she represents in the movie was initially gold. Towards the end of the movie though, her marble changes to include all the other colors. Joy evolves and the movie ends (spoiler alert) with joy enveloping all the other experiences of her peers including grief, sadness, disgust and anger.

For me, joy has evolved into more of an inner game, rather than a thing I can experience and only discover from the external. I've lost loved ones the past two years. I've experienced highs and lows in my marriage and parenthood. These same highs and lows have been there at work too. I've come to deeply know that joy is within. We are creators of joy. As humans, we can cultivate and generate joy from within.

Again, the interesting thing is modern science and ancient wisdom seem to agree with this.

According to Shawn Achor, a popular figure in the positive psychology world, or as he calls it, the science of happiness; if we look at everything of a person's external world, science can only predict 10% of that person's long-term happiness. In reality, ninety (90%!) of a person's long-term happiness can be predicted by how their brain processes the external world.

In other words, joy is an inside game.

Let's look at ancient wisdom. How did the earliest humans we have on record tell their stories about joy? If we study narratives that were born from the consciousness of humans that existed thousands of years ago, what are they telling us about their experiences of joy, fulfillment, wholeness, wisdom and belonging?

It turns out they seem to have been wrestling with these ideas similar to how we are now.

For example, in the Epic of Gilgamesh, the oldest text we have on record written about 4,000 years ago; we can witness the hero of the story, Gilgamesh, go through his personal quest to fulfillment. It is the original hero’s journey. Over and over again, we will find Gilgamesh searching for joy and truth through the achievement of external circumstances. He believes that his quest will be fulfilled once he achieves his outcome, whether that's conquering an enemy or some damsel he needs to pursue (and quite honestly have sex with). Then, if he does achieve said outcome or once he is confronted with his enemy, the recurring theme is he does not seem to find exactly what he is looking for. Instead, he initially feels lost. He feels incomplete. And in that moment, he is invited to go deeper still.

This recurring theme happens over and over again in these Gilgamesh poems. Not only that, we'll find these recurring themes in Homer's The Iliad, which was written about a thousand years later. These same themes also exist in the Hebrew books that was written another hundred years or so after The Iliad.

Various authors, the earliest human consciousness we have on record, all telling the same essential stories about the fundamental questions we are asking ourselves now. And they are also pointing us to go within. Go within and that's where you will find what you are looking for.

Ok, so now what?

What if we buy into this idea that joy can be found from within?

What if we are ready to explore that?

Well, at the very least, if we are curious, we ought to take a look right?

And what does it look like to go on a journey within?

The good news is that modern science has given us clues on what the early path can look like and ancient wisdom has told stories about the depth of that path.

If we want to start our walk on this path, we have to commit to certain behaviors that lead to a greater sense of joy. Modern science tells us that if we have a gratitude practice (Emmons & McCullough 2003), a journaling practice (Slatcher & Pennebaker 2006), an exercise regimen (Babyak et. al 2000), a daily meditation practice (Dweck 2007) or participate in random acts of kindness (Lyubomirsky 2005); we will begin to see changes in our neurological pathways in just twenty one (21) days.

But that's just the beginning of the path.

We have to make a choice everyday to stay committed.

The path gets deeper so we must go deeper with it.

Just like the ancient text says, we must be willing to make a sacrifice.

The sacrifice will mean some sort of death.

It will likely mean the deconstruction and reconstruction of our ego.

We begin to see deeper into what it means to be human.

How would our approach to work become different if we started on this path to exploring joy?How would our relationships transform? How would literally everything completely change?

We can look at what the ancient text tell us. It tells us that the path involves taking that first step. It involves making sacrifices and leaving behind the feeling of comfort for the unknown. And the biggest paradoxical mystery of it all, is that we end up coming back home. Back to the place where we started, only to discover that home feels simultaneously similar and different. We find out that what we thought we were missing, we actually had it to begin with the entire time.

My friends, may you be courageous to take your first step. You know like, exercise, meditate, journal...

May you trust that, just like what the ancient text says, support will find you along the way.May you keep going.And may you discover that the joy that you thought was out there, was inside you the entire time.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

👋🏼

My hope is, as you open this email at some point on your day today, that you've given yourself rest this weekend.

If not, that's okay.

In this moment, hold the self-judgment.

In this moment, suspend the self-inflicting narratives.

In this moment, pause. Simply take a breath and pause.

Be present with this time you are giving yourself to read these words and let it be.

...

As we enter the last month of the year, I am noticing that my body wants to wind down. The wind down is not a sudden hitting of the brakes to a full stop. It's a nice and easy downshift. If my body and nervous system was a stick shift car; I am slowly, in the next couple weeks, down shifting from gear 6, down to 5...

Down to 4...

3...

2...

1...

Nice and easy.

Into rest.

I find myself beginning to be in reflection mode of this past year. And the year before that. We've been on quite a ride haven't we?

In my reflection, I want to offer some insights about success.

I have been extremely fortunate to work with and coach some high caliber talent this year. Humans who have achieved and will go on to continue to reach new heights that I could only hope to also experience one day. After spending time with them, I have a high sense of hope for the future. It's easy to feel lost and afraid as we engage the news. But these people represent the vast majority of us who want to move the world forward. They want to create meaning in their work. They want to bring about their full selves. They want to contribute their talents to things that matter.

What I'm learning through my work with them are two major themes.

A. Success is a moving target. It needs constant redefinition.

B. The game changer is when we root our sense of wellbeing from lagging indicators of success to leading indicators of success.

Success is a moving target

Photo by 30daysreplay Germany on Unsplash

Our nature is to make success a finite end. We believe it's a static thing to achieve. Reaching success means we win. It's a finish line we cross. But I find that this mindset produces all sorts of unnecessary stress and internal pressure that is detrimental to our wellbeing. Our strategies become too rigid and one-dimensional. With this mindset, we become less playful and less aligned with our purpose. We create attachments that constrict our bodies.

We must make it a habit to reexamine and redefine success. Once we do, our relationship to it becomes more dynamic and less pressure-filled.

How?

One way is by noticing our attachments.

What unconscious attachments have we made synonymous to this imaginary finish line of success?

Validation?Exoneration?Recognition?Freedom?Dare I say, Love?

Once we notice these attachments, we'll realize that success won't bring us the thing that we're making up will be there once we cross the finish line. Quite naturally, it's this insight that will cause the mindset shift of success into a moving target.

Let's say success was a revenue goal. Or a promotion. And let's say that along the way, there was a deep realization that our reason for pursuing this success was because we'd feel significant.

Ok, so we're pursuing and reaching and traveling and we reach said goal. We get our dopamine hit of significance.Thirty seconds later, it disappears.

At this stage, we've got two choices. The first is we could create a new mountain of success and see if we can find a deeper sense of significance there. My bet? Probably not. It'll likely be the same short-term dopamine hit.

The second is we consider that success is a moving target by nature. It's a moving target because success isn't the actual end goal. Our definition of success must evolve. It must get deeper and wider and more expansive.

In actuality, we must see success not as the end goal. We must see it as only part of the path.

We will never find everything we want where success lies. Paradoxically, the path, our unique path, is where we will find all that we want.

That brings me to my next theme...

Leading vs Lagging indicators.

A common problem high performers have is rooting their sense of worth when lagging indicators happen. Examples of these are income, a signed contract, revenue, promotions, raising a Series A (or B, or C or D), an IPO, a 100x return on your investment, the list goes on...

This is a trap. It falls into the mindset of seeing success as static.

If we accept success is in fact a moving target, then we must attach ourselves somewhere else. I'd invite you to consider that somewhere else to be a set of daily leading indicators. If we focus on these leading indicators, then success just becomes a part of the deal. It's just a part of the path. Again, paradoxically, by virtue of being on the path is the actual sense of fulfillment itself.

What could leading indicators look like that would involve success?

Well, it's different for everybody but I'll share 3 common indicators that have worked for me and the folks I work with.

GratitudeIf gratitude is an everyday practice, everything we do will have a deeper meaning and purpose. Whether we're writing an important email or changing diapers, our gratitude practice helps us be present to our daily challenges with minimal complaint. The mundane can be beautiful. Try it on for size, at least for 3 months. Focus on making gratitude a leading indicator on your daily dashboard and I promise success will come. In fact, success is already in motion for you; but with this practice in your daily leading indicator, success will feel sweeter. I recommend using this journal>

JoyYou are as much a creator of joy as one who experiences it. Joy isn't something that exists only from the external. Joy is actually, first and foremost, something that comes from within. Joy isn't just happiness. Joy envelopes everything in the human experience, including sadness, grief and sorrow. If you lean into joy as an everyday practice, you'll find that you're a better colleague, a better partner, a better parent, a better and more present You. Create and bring joy into even just one part of your day, perhaps the morning, and success will be present immediately. It's right here, available to all of us in the moment.

RestRest is a rhythm. It's not something that happens only on vacation, on the weekends or when you go to bed. Rest is how you take breaks. Rest is how you wind down before you go to bed. Rest is the silent little moments in your daily lives that you anchor into. If you focus on making rest a daily leading indicator, success will happen. And it will feel fuller.

Imagine you had a daily dashboard of leading indicators. We already have technology that tracks our physical activity and sleep.

Well, what if you created a dashboard for yourself of the leading indicators I've suggested?

What would happen if you leaned into gratitude, joy and rest everyday?How would success evolve?

My friends, may you give yourself permission to wind down these next few weeks.

Look back and celebrate.Look for tiny miracles. The things that seemingly happened without you forcing them to. That's where your magic is.

If you practice gratitude, joy and rest, I can guarantee that those tiny miracles will become an everyday occurrence. They already are, it just takes slowing down and noticing.

I wish you greater peace and connection as we begin to close 2021.

Happy searching…

Fiercely loving and rooting for you,

Jomar

Making a plan for the weekend. The way you’ll respond on that dating app. Your mission statement for your company.

If you slow down and consider all the outcomes you are wanting to create in your life right now, it requires stepping into your creative capacities.

To cultivate creativity, you must make room for playfulness.

Spontaneity.

Silliness.

Laughter.

Rest.

I’m coaching a founder on his way to eclipsing the first million dollar revenue of his company. When we began our work, it was because he thought he needed support with revenue growth. As with many clients, what we end up working on is completely different to what initially brought us to coaching.

Why? Because the sacred coaching space we enter slows us down. And when we’re slowed down, we’re more clear. When we’re more clear, our purpose will surface without effort.

In this zone, we realized that for this founder, growth will happen. It’s inevitable.

The question is which path does he want to take to allow for that growth to come into existence.

The first path is the path he’s always known. It’s the white knuckle hustle mentality. It’s the “will it to existence” approach. It’s the “I will force this to happen” thinking.

But he knows where this leads. We’ve all been there. We lose ourselves. We forget who we are. We burnout.

He knows he can’t operate from this mindset anymore. What got him here won’t get him there. He needs a new path.

So I told him, “How do you envision yourself in this new path?”

And he said…

“Lighter. In flow. Alive. Creative.”

Once we got clear of the vision, the purpose, and his way of being, the rest followed suit. We began to challenge his assumptions of how difficult the road had to be to experience the success he is wanting.

It turns out, the pursuit of your dreams doesn’t have to be easy but it can be effortless. The act of building a business is essentially a creative pursuit. And if it’s creative, he ought to feel alive and fun while doing it.

To be creative, once must be willing to nurture what Carl Jung calls our “inner child”. Through conscious “reparenting”, we can tap into this primordial being inside all of us to set the adult version of us free from the traps we keep falling into.

What’s wild is that the natural ways of being that I see in my kids are things I constantly need to cultivate in myself and my clients.

Creativity is a big one.

It’s no coincidence that one big criteria of a healthy early life is the cultivation of a child’s ability to make believe. To imagine. To create.

You best believe my wife and I are always playing some sort of pretend game with our kids. It’s one of our favorite games to play with them. And we get after it. 

So for many of us, coming back to our inner child and revisiting how creativity was nurtured within us is key to our ability to thrive as adults.

It’s the key to our ability to approach our work with playfulness. It’s the key to detaching ourselves from outcomes and play for playing’s sake. It’s the key to coming back to our original freedom.

My friends, we need you to live your most heroic lives. Because when you light up, you give the rest of us permission to ask ourselves,

“What lights me up?”

“What brings me joy?”

“When do I lose track of time?”

This world is a world of wonder. It’s a world of make believe. Let’s go out, dream, play, create, break s**t, rest, rinse and repeat. 

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Javardh on Unsplash

Maisie loves this. She closes her eyes and just takes it all in. Almost as if she's in an actual salon or spa. It's the cutest and most precious thing.

One time this week, Maxwell got soap in his eyes and he started crying. He said he was hurting while water and soap were in his eyes. I was confused because A) the shampoo we use is tear free and B) he doesn't normally cry anymore even with soap in his eyes.

So I checked in with him. I don't want to dismiss his experience in case he is actually hurt. I looked at his face and asked, "Bud, does it really hurt? I don't see any soap in your face anymore so can you tell me where it hurts?"

He insisted that he was hurt. "Yes dad! It's really hurting!"

One thing I'm learning about my kids is when tears are for real and when they are being overdramatic. In this case, my spidey parent senses told me that it was the latter.

I lovingly invited him to reconsider.

"Bud, close your eyes for a second. I know your mind is telling you that you're feeling hurt but you know that the shampoo we get doesn't sting, remember? So just close your eyes, take a deep breath, and listen to your body. Try not to listen to your mind telling you it hurts. Close your eyes and see if you can really feel hurt in your body."

He doesn't always accept my invitations to reconsider, but on this night, he took a breath, settled in and closed his eyes.

"So, is your body really telling you it hurts?" I asked him.

"No it doesn't!" He quickly replied and then it was over just like that. It was as if the whole episode didn't even happen.

It occurred to me that this happens to all of us. We fall into traps of operating only from memory rather than the memory and the moment.

I had a client last week. An executive at this startup who was just brought on to lead the people operations of the org. We were coaching through a feeling she had during an executive meeting when she felt like it was her responsibility to bear the complaints of the group and fix it all for them.

"I don't know why but for some reason, I felt like these men were all looking me like I was supposed to have all the answers and fix the mess they had made."

As we probed deeper, we realized that this was often her role in all sorts of groups during her life. She was always the one bearing the brunt of the complaints and fixing everything. She thought it was her job to take it all away. She thought it was her job to make sure others felt comfortable while she took on the discomfort and internalized it for everybody, so they wouldn't have to feel that pain. In our session, she got clear that it's not how she wants to operate anymore.

Moving forward, the challenge was to notice when she is operating from memory, which is to be the savior of a group in distress. Noticing was the first step. Waking up and seeing that pattern. Building that muscle of awareness and allowing herself to be with the feelings that come with it. Sit with the feelings and not collapse into them. Once that muscle is built, then the default memory in which she operates from will no longer control her. The moment will reveal itself for what it is, and the wisdom she naturally has will know what to do or say in the moment.

Some people call that confidence. I call that a courageous act. Confidence is the result.

The work for this client is still in process but she envisions a new version of herself that's more grounded in her power. In her gifts. In her true value. And while she can feel empathy for those around her, she does not need to actually save anyone from their feelings.

The Truth That Keeps Getting Deeper

Earlier this year, I had been operating from memory with my wife.

The memory was that she kept having late nights at work and that meant I needed to be around to take care of the kids. It's hard when we're both busy because we're both driven people in our work and if we're taken out of our routine, the responsibilities at home can feel like a burden. Taking care of the kids, which should be joyful and exciting, can feel like a burden.

So for a while, I was unconsciously operating from this memory; from this narrative I attached to my wife who I made up to be my enemy. I created this story that she is unsupportive of my career pursuits and loved working late nights so she can be away from us, her family.

We were arguing more than usual.We were easily annoyed by each other.We didn't enjoy each other.

A close colleague (s/o out to you Sandy Taylor!) once told me that "doing our inner work is most of our actual job as coaches" and let me tell you, this is a truth that just keeps getting deeper. I thought my job as a coach was to support others, but in this season of my life; my job, first and foremost, is to do my actual work so that I can support others in theirs. It is most challenging when the inner work doesn't give warnings. In reality, most inner work journeys don't give you a heads up - you're just in it all of a sudden.

This can feel like a curse at first, but it truly is such a gift if you open yourself up to it and receive the message it wants to bring.

As we always have, my wife and I worked it out. I had to wake up to this version of myself who was operating from this memory that I unfairly attached to her and remember who we truly are for each other. We had to remind each other of what we want to be for each other.

It wasn't pretty. But on the other side was more depth.

A deeper connection.A deeper bond.A deeper love.

I know monogamy is a relatively new experiment in the course of human history, but I'm not sure of any another experience that allows a human to feel this kind of depth. I highly recommend it.

My friends, may you operate from memory AND the moment.

What do I mean by that?

I mean courageously wake up to how your past is still holding you back from experiencing the new thing that wants to be created in the now.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Zachary Keimig on Unsplash

We cover topics like “Let’s Play, Accessing your Inner Child”, “Exploring your Inner Critic” and “Cultivating Presence”.

For the last few sessions, my group has gravitated towards “Deepening Relationships” as the topic.

What does it mean to practice depth?What does it look like to deepen your relationship with others?What does it look like to experience this within yourself?It occurs to me that the modalities in which depth occurs can vary for each individual. However, the path towards depth and the way of being that is cultivated will generate a similar internal feeling. I am learning that it is also a lifelong journey. Just when you think you've gone deep enough, you go back up to the surface only to find that there is more beautiful, uncharted depth within you that has not been explored. It is quite a beautiful experience. It's probably a unique gift we can receive being part of the human species. But dammit, it can be hard sometimes.

When I speak of modalities in which you can experience depth, I mean the context of your life. Those things that you throw your whole self into. Mind, body, heart and soul.

You might be a teacher.You might be in a marriage.You might be a single parent.You might be divorced and putting yourself back together.You might find yourself in a profession that you love.You might be an entrepreneur creating an innovative business.You might be an artist.You might be a writer.

As I said, the modality varies but the dedication required is that of an "expensive love" as Barbara Brown Taylor writes. It's the hero's path. It's the path to wholeness and fullness. But it's also the path that will require more than you're ready to give, seemingly at different points of the journey.

I've found this in the profession I've chosen.I've found this in marriage.I’ve found this in parenthood.Isn’t it true that when we give ourselves to something, it will require more of us that we’re ready to give? That's why it's called expensive love. It's a deep love that will expand you, but paradoxically, it will also require surrender. It will require you to dig deep and rediscover a hidden well that is infinite by nature. Finding this infinite well within requires inner work. It doesn't mean you give of yourself to others that you abandon who you are. In fact, it's quite the opposite. It's the lifelong repeated discovery and remembering of who you truly are, your original wholeness, that will empower you to pay for this expensive love.

This path requires courage.This path requires the invitation of tiny deaths.This path will likely involve tears.And this path brings a deep, and deeper, and deeper joy.

The Good News

Practicing depth is a skill. It can be learned and practiced. Some of us were lucky enough to learn and see this skill modeled in a safe and loving household. Perhaps we had amazing parents, mentors and/or teachers that was available and present to us as a child.

Most of us though, even if we had amazing and loving early holding environments, we will still need to spend our adult life cultivating this skill. I know, so annoying. Why can’t we just have the answers already right?

If we want depth, the reality is we have to learn it for ourselves as adults. 

So how do we learn this skill?

* The first step is building awareness of where you're at. Being ruthlessly honest with yourself. Do you want this? Why do you want this? What are you wanting to feel? Is this what you really want? You can be in this step for days, weeks, months or years, which means building awareness also means developing graciousness towards yourself. Journaling is also greatly valuable here. Building awareness is probably the biggest and most important step too. Slowing down and holding space for awareness is key.

* The second step is the process of learning the skill. This means learning about yourself, your emotions, and your body. Understanding what feelings are and how they particularly feel like in your skin and bones. Slowing down to learn what joy, loneliness, anxiety, boredom, feeling trapped, etc. really feel like for you. Slowing down to learn how to express these things via language or movement. This step is about learning to feel safe within yourself. A good book to consider is The Body Keeps The Score. This book is about trauma but you don't have to have gone through trauma to find value in reading this book.

* The third step is stepping out. Finding safe places to share yourself. Finding safe people who will hear you and see you. Being able to say to someone, "I feel..." and then sharing your story.

Caveat: These steps are not meant to be taken in a linear way. They are dynamic and can happen simultaneously. They are cyclical in nature too. It's truly a lifelong journey, if you decide that it's what you want for yourself.

For most of recent human history, we have been conditioned to have a fragmented/band-aid approach to our wellbeing. I believe that part of what the pandemic has revealed is that we cannot approach this work from that old perspective anymore. We cannot wait until crisis mode to start this work. The professional is interconnected with the personal and vice versa, more than we are truly aware of. What this inner work can do, to someone who is willing to receive it, is untangle all of these complex interconnectedness, so that we can show up with our fullest creative potential; not only in the workplace but in every arena of our lives. 

There are communities, therapists, trauma-informed coaches out there so you can start your journey now. We have access to resources more than ever. Seek them out, find them with your heart and you will find support.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Alvis Taurēns on Unsplash

I intentionally choose the word "collectively". By that, I mean we are going through deaths together. We are experiencing day-to-day demises through a million invisible cuts within the individual containers of our tribal lives. It's not our default to be completely aware, but together, we are participating in a grand grieving through billions of fragmented human experiences. These individual experiences with death connect us deeply, more than we know.

Photo by Mathias P.R. Reding on Unsplash

What deaths have you experienced?

If I may, I'd like to share mine in hopes that you find your story in it too.

I've experienced the death of loved ones. Expected and unexpectedly. Some who were gone too soon.

I've experienced the death of a career.

The death of an expected business revenue.

The death of a friendship.

The death of this arbitrary vision of how much money I would have in my bank account by now. And the freedom I thought I would feel once I achieved that.

The death of this image I propped up to myself and everyone else so that I would seem significant. That I mattered. That I was special.

The death of the amazing lover persona I thought I was to my wife.

The death of future plans.

The death of what I thought this country was.

The death of my relationship to my brown skin.

What I've learned is that death is both an event and an invitation. In order to receive what wants to be given to you, you must first say yes to the deaths knocking on your door and let them in. Here's the thing about death though. It won't impose itself. It won't force itself on you. You can ignore it as long as you want. You can suppress it and keep pushing it down. You can force your way to accomplishments without saying yes to death. By choice, you can hang on to all the ways you are surviving and just stay there. Just keep surviving.

Or you can accept the invitation.

You can surrender.

You can let go.

The first step is awareness.

The second step is receiving the help. It's out there.

The third step is to be faithful to the journey. To trust. To keep trusting. And to receive grace when you find that you are imperfectly human.

The journey isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be hard either. You can simply let go, which coincidentally, is the hardest part. After the letting go, you can just allow one thing after another to unfold. You can show up moment by moment and respond to the unfolding. Once you do, help will show up every step of the way. Inexplicably, almost in a divine interceding, help will always show up.

For today, maybe the death that wants to be accepted is the unfair expectation you are putting on yourself in your work. Just let that expectation die.

Or maybe, the death that needs to die is your current relationship to productivity. The way you operate is not sustainable. It's time to let this go.

Perhaps the death that needs to die is the unfair expectation you're putting on your team. Maybe it's time to really listen to what they want. Maybe that's what leadership looks like now.

Maybe it is time to have that difficult conversation.

Maybe you're a mom and it is time to give yourself rest. Book two nights at a hotel. Let your family go. Tell your husband you're out for a little while and go treat yourself.

Maybe you're a husband and you feel awkward about initiating sex. Perhaps it's time to let your fear of rejection die and discover a more bold persona of the type of lover you can be.

Maybe you're a parent and the thing that needs to die is the comparison of your kids to other kids.

Maybe you're an entrepreneur and in order to keep the business alive, you need to let your ego die and take on a new job to sustain yourself financially.

On the other side of death is the birthing of something new.

On the other side is creation.

And the whole process can be beautiful.

But it won't show up until you give in to the death.

The reality is there are various ways these deaths can externally manifest.

But internally, we are all invited to the same journey.

We must be radically honest with ourselves.

We must grieve.

We must surrender.

We must feel. Deeply. Perhaps even shed tears.

We must be willing to face death to the point where we believe we will be destroyed by it.

And when, like the phoenix rising out of the ashes, we come out on the other side transformed; we will find that we are truly more interconnected to each other than we conceptually know.

We are more compassionate to the plight of others. Even the ones we think we hate.

We are grounded in presence.

We are rooted in love.

We are at peace.

We are in deep gratitude.

We are in joy. And I'm not talking about happiness. I am talking about a deep joy that envelopes and wraps our darkest hour in grace; and allows all of it to belong.

We come home to ourselves and we realize that we belong to each other.

This is the path.

If these words have even a subtle hum deep within you, then my friend, you are already on the path.

Let's keep walking together.

Not even death itself can stop us.

Fiercely loving and rooting for you,

Jomar

…

Five years ago I was fired from a job. There were a whole host of reasons why I feel that was an unfair termination, but I’m not here to play the victim anymore. I’m here to tell you the story of my journey to accessing my inner wisdom.

If I close my eyes, I can immediately feel my way of being during the year I held that leadership position that I was fired from. In that year, I unconsciously took on this narrative that if everyone liked me, then I am doing my job. I am being a good leader. So, I propped up this version of me that I thought everyone would like. This person went along with everything. This person played nice. This person was a people pleaser. This person didn’t question authority. This person rarely spoke up his truth. Interestingly enough, when he did, he got fired.

The firing needed to happen. I went into a depression and while it was difficult, it was necessary. I was burned out. My body said, “F**k you dude, we’re not doing this anymore. We need to power down. This version of you that you’re propping up to everyone is exhausting. It’s not you.” So my body depressed. It craved DEEP REST.

I didn’t know it then but what was unfolding was beautiful.

I needed to get quiet.

I needed to be still.

I needed to escape the noise in my head.

If you’re like me, you spend all day in your head. Living in stories, fantasies, future worlds that could be. You see, my thoughts are like car parts on an assembly line. They keep going and going and they never end.

But what happened during this time in my life was that in the quiet, I learned to separate my identity from my thoughts. For me, this was accessed through the practice of meditation. In this practice, I got to know another part of me that I never knew existed, and yet it was always there. This part of me could just…observe. It was what the mystics call my Inner Observer. If the whole of me was the universe, then my thoughts would be the reality of the cosmos; and this Inner Observer would be dark matter. Like dark matter, my Inner Observer is the invisible layer within that mysteriously and inexplicably holds everything together. Almost as if in secret, this part of me was hidden within the nothingness of which the everything-ness is born out of.

Let me call something out. What I might be badly attempting to articulate in this moment is the truth of our infinite nature, as humans. To describe the Infinite through an inherently finite practice of writing will always feel inadequate, but hopefully you can feel where I am pointing towards.

I must apologize. I don’t know if I’m making sense. But in a way, the place I am pointing towards is beyond our intellectual comprehension. All I know is that we are made of it.

I think it’s what the Jewish rabbi, Abraham Joshua Heschel, was pointing towards when he said this,

“The meaning of awe is to realize that life takes place under wide horizons. Horizons that range beyond the span of an individual life or even the life of a nation, a generation, or an era. Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine. To sense in small things, the beginning of infinite significance. To sense the ultimate, in the common and the simple. To feel in the rush of the passing, the stillness of the eternal."

What I do not want to do in today’s #sundaykindofblog is to offer you information. You can get information anywhere. We’re living during an unprecedented time of information abundance.

Instead, what I want to create is space in between your breaths for a feeling to come through. Listen for that feeling. Some people call it Love. Some people call it the Divine within. Some people call it God.

Listen for it.

Trust yourself.

Go within.

It’s that part of you that has always sustained you when you thought everything was over.

It’s that part of you that believes that somehow, when a loved one passes away, that you’ll see them again. Or if you don’t believe that, there’s a part of you that believes you’ll always be connected to them. It’s that part.

This part of you that doesn’t have to just show up every now and then in your life. You can access it today. It’s your nature. It IS you. You may have just forgotten.

If you remember though, that you are made of the infinite, then imagine what your work will look like. Imagine what your leadership will look like. Imagine what new risks you’d be willing to take. Imagine the force of nature that you can become. Imagine what you could create if you come from this place.

I believe in you.

It’s possible.

I know because I’ve seen it with the people I work with.

I know because I’ve experienced it.

Ultimately, it’s undeniable.

You are love.

You are whole.

You are made of the Infinite.

Love.

Jomar

Photo by Reuben on Unsplash

I believe I know why.

I believe I'm ready to create the one group I've always envisioned.

I believe I'm ready this time.

First, let me tell you why I've failed.

I've failed because I haven't been clear with myself as to why I want to create this community. So whenever I've managed to speak to someone about it, I was trying to sell them on something I think they would like. I was trying to cater to them. The truth of the matter is, if a men's group is going to be successful, I need to understand my inner why. And I just never did that work. I went into recruitment mode without doing that work.

I've failed because I've fallen into the same trap of people pleasing. I care that people might think I'm a failure because I didn't successfully sustain my participation and creation of previous men's groups. I've cared that they might think I'm a fraud. I've bought into the narrative that I'm not qualified to lead a men's group.

I've failed because I was afraid that people might pigeonhole me into just being a men's coach and I won't be able to have 1:1 clients of all sex and genders, like I do now.

I'm afraid my current clients, who are not men, will end their coaching partnership with me.

I've failed because I wasn't serving the men in the proximity of my inner circle. My brothers, my closest friends, my family.

I've failed because I played small and didn't hold back. Full stop.

Now, let me tell you why I won't fail again.

I won't fail again because I've done the work. I've been in therapy. I've been coached. I've spent more time building my skills. I've spent more time investing in myself. I have more experience now. I've learned.

I won't fail again because I've reframed the definition of failure. To fail means I've tried. To fail means I've played full out. To fail means I was willing to play and I'll keep playing until the thing that wants to emerge in this desire to create a men's group will actually come true. And it's not because I'm forcing it to happen. It's because I'm giving it space and simply allowing it to happen.

I won't fail again because I'll be clear on what this men's group will be truly about. See here>

I won't fail again because I won't try to sell this to anyone time. I will be bold in my declaration of what it's about and be humble in my invitation. The men who are ready will say YES. The men who are not will say NOT RIGHT NOW. Both are okay.

I won't fail again because I will follow through. One conversation and one invitation at a time.

The WHY of this men's group.

I'm tired of watching good men forget their purpose. I'm tired of watching myself forget my purpose.

I'm tired of watching good men play small in their relationship with money. I'm tired of watching myself play small in my relationship with money.

I'm tired of watching good men fall into traps of what society has conditioned them that sex and intimacy ought to be. We didn't have a blueprint for this. It's time to create one together; rooted in love, more awareness and grace.

I'm tired of watching good men show up as their lesser selves at work and at home. I was tired of being this way and I've done the work. I can show others the way. If we create a safe container to dump all our s**t into, then our work, our partners, our families will get the best versions of us.

I'm tired of watching good men believe that they can walk through this life alone. We can achieve greater things together.

A bold and humble request to my readers.

I need your help. Creating this men's group is a big and bold mission for me. There is no way I can do this alone and again, I am in need of your help!

If you are reading this and you are interested in joining my men's group, the first thing you need to know is that the men's group will be STRICTLY 100% CONFIDENTIAL. NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW WHAT IS DISCUSSED IN THE GROUP. EVERYTHING STAYS IN THE GROUP. Similar to Fight Club rules, but there will definitely be no fighting LOL. Our men's group will be a more healthy expression of our masculinity.

The second thing you need to know is it will be FUN. Lots and lots and lots of FUN. You will miss out on the most FUN you've ever had in your life.

The third thing you need to know is that it will require an investment of both time & money. This is how we know that the members of the group are serious about the work.

Okay.

So if you've made it this far and you're interested in joining, here is my request...

* Read this page for more info and a general roadmap. It's not complete but it will give you a glimpse of what to expect. It will help you get clear if this men's group is for you (or not for you). It will help you understand the commitment we'll require of you. It will you help you understand if you're ready (or not ready).

* If you are ready to throw your name in the ring, please fill out this application. Serious inquiries only please. Take the time to answer the questions. I will read all responses and I will reach out to connect if I find that we are in alignment.

If you are reading this and you know someone who might be interested, I humbly and boldly request that you send this newsletter to them. Connect with your heart and tell them what made you think of sending this newsletter their way. If you've got questions for me before sending, simply reply to this newsletter and I'm happy to have a dialogue.

Finally, thank you. Thank you for continuing to journey with me. Thank you for giving me your precious time in reading this today. Thank you for being with me in spirit as I boldly take this step. Notes of encouragement are welcomed!!!

Love.

Jomar

I'm not talking about the folks on social media with the curated profiles that show how great their lifestyle is. Some of that is real. Most of it is not.

It's the teacher who wants to transmit and infuse joy in their students. They know that if the engine that drives learning is joy, it can be the most meaningful lifelong impact they can have on their kids.

It's the person on your team who celebrates your success. They have a mindset that "a rising tide lifts all boats". They invest time and energy with everyone on their team because experiencing wins together is much better than being in it alone.

It's the widow raising two kids on her own yet, she still creates the professional life she wants. She shows up with poise and confidence at work. People feel inspired by her leadership and they begin to see all sorts of possibilities for what they can achieve because of who she is to them.

These people have a deep aliveness to them. They are awake and they have a profound connection with their purpose.

But here's the thing, part of being awake means we will have lonely days too. Once we are clear on our mission, what no one tells us is how lonely it can get on the road to success. That's the reason why I'm writing today. I want to let you know that loneliness is on the menu should you decide to say yes to your hero's path.

Sacrifices Add Up & You Will Need Support

Last week, I grabbed drinks with a colleague and we shared about the sacrifices we've made in pursuit of our purpose. She mentioned that when she started out, she sent hundreds of LinkedIn messages to folks she wanted to work with and invited all of them for coffee. For years, none of these coffee meetings led to any business. She was broke, she was struggling to pay her team and she took on extra jobs just to make ends meet. While she was the most alive she's ever felt in those early days, it was clear that the sacrifices also weighed on her.

That's the thing about the hero's path. You will feel an intensity that you've never felt before and it will also require more out of you. Those sacrifices add up. They will wear on you and you will have lonely days.

I had a lonely day last week.

For no particular reason, I woke up and felt somber. I couldn't quite put my finger on it but my energy was low, I was internalizing everything, and I was all up in my head. I was also about to lead a group coaching experience so I needed to get support in order to effectively show up to my group.

I sent the below text to a trusted friend:

While the feeling of loneliness didn't immediately go away after I sent the text, it gave me space to sit and be with my loneliness. Often times, our default is to make everything better right away. We have all sorts of unconscious defense mechanisms to not feel discomfort. For me, it's fantasizing about what's next. It's being on Youtube longer than I'd like. It's creating busyness that doesn't have any meaningful impact in my goals.

But I'm learning to be better.

Last week, I did better. I reached out for support. And I didn't just go to my wife about it because she doesn't always deserve the downer version of me. She deserves the me that my clients get. I reached out for support somewhere else and it created room for me to be with my loneliness for a bit.

When I sat with the depth of my loneliness, I found that I didn't collapse. What emerged was a beautiful human experience of richness within that depth. Without forcing it, my body naturally worked its way out of it. I found myself in gratitude and I started to celebrate my wins.

The truth is my coaching is thriving like never before.

I looked at the current circumstances of my life and I would have never dreamed it would be like this.

I'm working with dream companies and visionary leaders that I only aspired to be coaching years ago.

There is also a lot of pending exciting things coming up too. Who knows if any of them pan out, but I'm excited that I'm in the game and playing.

In the midst of all this success, I feel like I'm the kind of imperfect, but present husband I want to be to my wife. I also feel like I'm present to my kids in the way I envisioned I would be. I don't feel like I'm missing the good stuff. The stuff that really matters.

My friends, creating the life you want is so worth it. Life wants to happen for you. The hero's path is not for everybody but for those who say yes, you will find everything you're looking for on the other side. Paradoxically, you'll find that what you're looking for, you have had the entire time.

I leave you with a quote from one of my most favorite books of all time, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo:

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”

I invite you to come back to this quote this week and let me know what insight you experience.

Love.

Jomar

"What if I lose my way again?"

or

"What if I drift off course again?"

or

"What if I find myself lost again?"

Further validation of this perceived reality became evident recently through some news about Charli XCX about her inner work journey throughout the pandemic. She's quoted as saying that therapy has been "really helpful" during the pandemic and she's looking forward to applying the lessons she's learned "into life when the world goes back to however it's going to return to."

And then she adds, "But I already feel it slipping away from me."

"I know a lot of my friends feel the same, like, I made these grand plans, how I was going to change my behavior and live my life differently. And I'm trying, but it seems like that won't last."

I can relate!

I was in my mid-20s when I first started going to therapy. And I went for 3 years. Towards the end of that season, I found myself worried for the future. What if I reverted back to my old ways? What if the transformation I went through doesn't hold? I felt it even more at the beginning of my marriage because that was around the time I officially stopped therapy. The fear that I had was that I would lose my way and not be able to find my way back.

Interestingly enough, I come across this during the end of coaching engagements with clients. For some, there is this subtle fear under the current that suggests their inability to sustain the next part of their journey alone.

If you're feeling like this now, here's what I have to offer:

* Trust the work.

You've put the time in. You've done the inner work. Trust that the insights have tethered and your inner wisdom will come through. While the way your wisdom manifests is 100% unpredictable, know that it is 100% dependable.

* Create depth in your friendships.

You only need that one friend who understands the depths of you and accepts you infinitely for who you are. That one friend makes a lifetime of a difference. Ideally, this friend is also committed to this lifetime journey of inner work. If you don't have this, go on a search. They are out there. It also requires putting yourself out there too. It will require vulnerability and often it means making requests. Most of us crave for depth in our relationships but A) we don't get clear on what that looks like and B) we don't ask.

* Notice where your worries are rooted.

Humans have this wonderful ability to eat and enjoy what's on our plate, one meal at a time. If we tried to eat what's for dinner a week from now, it wouldn't be very enjoyable. The same thing applies to our worries. Does it serve you to worry about what life will look like 3 months from now? There's no way of knowing the types of insights the future version of you will have. Planning for the future is a good and wise thing to do. Overthinking is another cup of tea though. Be wise in your future planning and then let it go. If something unexpected occurs, trust the future version of you will handle it.

Most of my clients are in the VC or tech startup ecosystem. They are up to pursuing big and bold visions in the world. They are often much smarter than me and honestly, it's often intimidating until I remember why I'm here. My job is to slow them down so that they can self-observe the unconscious patterns holding them back. Once they are awake to this, the pursuit of their wild dreams becomes a journey of aliveness. It becomes a journey of continually coming home to deeper and deeper parts of themselves. It becomes playful. It becomes fun!

I say this because, my friend, there is a stillness inside of you. It's under all the chatter and it's always been there. And this stillness leads you to the depths of yourself, as deep as the undiscovered parts of the vast and mysterious ocean. It is as deep as the universe. Personally, I believe this is a lifelong journey. I'm still in it. But I point you in this direction because however shaken up your world might get, all you need to do is absolutely nothing. Be still in the nothingness. Search within and go deep. You'll find home. Go deeper still. And you will find home.

If you ever find yourself lost, you can always stop wherever you are and come home.

Love.

Jomar

Photo by Andrew Ridley on Unsplash

There was a problem though. We didn’t always get the results. Some quarters we would hit goal, we would skyrocket past them in other quarters, and then there were quarters where we didn’t even come close. And when we didn’t come close, the blame would ultimately be on the people. We must have done something wrong in the process.

As my career progressed, I realized that this was not only how the sales org functioned at most companies, it was also how entire companies predicted their earnings all the way up the food chain.

Bring in a certain amount of leads at the top of the funnel.

Convert them into expressed interest.

Convert interest into conversations.

Convert conversations into meetings.

And maybe more meetings.

And eventually, new business revenue.

Based on this model, earnings can be predicted.

And these predictions were how board members would determine decisions that affected the whole company.

Now, let me be clear. There’s nothing wrong with creating data-backed revenue models. Many people do this well. Strategic planning is key for the health of companies.

The problem is we become too attached to these models as truth. We put pressure on good people to attach to these truths as well. And if the results don’t come in, they are the ones to blame. It is unfair because the reality is the game comes with high uncertainty with low control on the outcomes. I can make the same amount of dials from one quarter to another and produce vastly different results.

Why do we do this?

Why do we think that our control on outcomes is larger than it actually is?

My guess?

We don't like uncertainty.

To be more accurate, we don't like the feeling we get when things are uncertain.

It feels scary.

It feels unknown.

It feels nerve-wracking.

It feels like we would fall apart if the uncertain, whatever it is, actually came true.

So we create illusions of certainty.

We attach to this sense that we can make the outcome happen.

We turn our worlds inside out to make it so.

We white knuckle our results.

What happens if we let go?

Let's say you're on a date. The person you're on a date with shows up and 10 minutes in, you can sense that they are eager. You can't quite put your finger on it but you're getting the vibes that they are attached to how this date will unfold. It's an intuition thing. It's a vibe you're getting. And the vibe is telling you that they already want a second date, or want to kiss you by the end of the evening, or maybe get all the way lucky, if you know what I mean.

Here's the problem. You're 10 minutes into the date. Why you are getting this "super eager borderline creepy" vibe about the outcome of the date when you've barely just met? That throws you off right?

Now think about an outcome you've wanted to generate. Consider if you've ever had this "super eager borderline creepy" vibe towards an outcome. Most of us have been guilty of this. And when we have, the process wasn't fun. We become too focused on the outcomes. We create an illusion that we can make them happen. I don't know about you, but for me, this mindset is draining.

I feel like a robot.

I feel like I'm on autopilot going through a checklist.

I feel not human.

So, what would it look like to detach from outcomes?

Well first, I would suggest actually considering the reality that with anything we're wanting to create, we're going to live in some level of high uncertainty and low control. Accept that it's probably going to be the majority of your experience.

For example...

My wife is a dance teacher for a high school. Every year, she has high uncertainty about the number of kids that will sign up for class, what type of enthusiasm for dance they'll display and what kind of proficiency they'll have by the end of the year. High uncertainty, low control.

My brother is a talented product manager for a huge gaming company that has created a video game with multi-generational recognition. Translation: It’s a big deal. Every version of the game that's released has high expectations in terms of the response it will get from the market. Before every release, my brother has high uncertainty about the types of ideas brought in, the way the teams will work together as they run project sprints, and what kind of response they will actually get from the audience. High uncertainty, low control.

In a world of high uncertainty and low control on outcomes, we can choose to focus on the process. And the feelings we want to create within the process.

Create joy.

Invoke freedom.

Be grounded in presence.

Be rooted in love.

Be in service of your purpose.

Be anchored in your personal mission.

When we're in this zone, we can become in sync with the rhythm of creation, production and rest. We honor the seasons of planting seeds, seasons of growth, seasons of harvest and seasons of rest. We can take our eyes off the outcomes and yet, still keep our arrows pointed in that general direction. However it lands is ultimately out of our hands.

At this time, I’d invite you to pause and reflect for a few minutes.

What insight, if anything, do you hear in this missive?

I'd love to hear!

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by Vince Fleming on Unsplash

Reflect on them.

Tap into those memories.

Allow them all flow through.

Maybe one memory stands out from the rest.

Put yourself there.

Place the characters inside this memory.

Recreate the setting.

Tap into how you felt.

What did you feel?

Was it pure joy?

Was it an inner welling up from a new layer of depth that you didn't know existed before that moment?

How long did it last?

Was it fleeting?

Did you find yourself reaching for it again?

In this moment, do you find yourself longing to feel that feeling again?

If you're like me, the answer is yes.

I've got an issue. I am addicted to pleasure. I love a good time and I want to make them last forever. Before I had kids, I was someone who wanted to experience pleasure and joyful experiences from everywhere and everything. Sometimes, I wonder why I didn't get into doing heavy drugs because I just love the feeling of euphoria. Kidding: My parents would have beat my grown man ass - that's why I didn't do heavy drugs. But the point is I want to experience everything in the world that will be bring me that sense of ultimate freedom, joy and pleasure.

Back in my first job, I was an agent's assistant for one of the biggest talent agencies in the world, Creative Artists Agency. A huge perk of the job was that I could literally go to any concert or event I wanted with a +1. You better believe I took complete advantage of that. I would go to 2-3 concerts per week and essentially have 15-18 hour days, multiple times a week, because I'd work all day and then go to a concert to enjoy the show and to network. My friends thought I had the dream job. People wanted to be friends with me because I was in entertainment and was going to all sorts of flashy events. I thought I was living the life and I propped up this image to others that I truly was.

In reality, I was not. My job was not fulfilling. The perk was fulfilling, but the actual job was not. It was a stressful environment surrounded by overworked people. Although there were good people who meant well, most were motivated by self-interest to gain more power and influence. That's the game in the entertainment industry after all. I stayed there longer than necessary and the reason why was because I was able to numb my internal dark truth through pleasure. The shows I attended and the significance others ascribed to me blinded me from what was really happening at a deeper level.

Pretty soon, I was losing sleep. I remember my dad asking me about the bags under my eyes when I'd visit them. You know that Sunday night anxiety you feel? The one where you're dreading Monday morning? That was in full blast by my second year in that gig, but I was too busy suppressing it to notice. Unconsciously, I suppressed it by having busy weekends. I filled my weekends with church volunteer activities. What looked like a noble cause on the surface was really my way of avoiding the screams inside.

Sure enough, I left that job. While I would like to say that it was the end of that pattern, it was not. I found myself from to job to job eventually in the same place. After a few months in each job, that Sunday evening anxiety would show up and again, I would cope by filling my evenings + weekends with pleasurable experiences.

This way of living was not sustainable as you can imagine and it was coming to a head. I couldn't escape it and my drive home from whatever I was doing on Saturdays + Sundays felt uneasy and full of anxiety. There was a lot of noise in my head and I couldn't be still. I couldn't be quiet. I felt trapped.

Seeking Pleasure to Avoid Pain

Epicurus, an ancient Greek philosopher, once said: "By pleasure, we mean the absence of pain in the body and of trouble in the soul."

I was avoiding the trouble in my soul. There's this popular belief that all of our behaviors are driven by the pursuit of pleasure and happiness. I used to believe that too but in the last few years, my experience has brought me to a different realization. I believe that everything that drives and motivates us is a core result of avoiding feelings of discomfort. In my example, the discomfort I was avoiding was this sense of loneliness and being lost. I didn't know who I was. And because I didn't know who I was, I was feeling this quiet but consistent angst, almost like a lingering frustration in my belly, because I knew I wasn't living out the true potential of who I could be. And because I wasn't in pursuit of my potential, the things I was pursuing on the outside felt shallow and misaligned with my values.

I needed to go deep and face the unresolved matters of my heart.

My heart was lonely. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt like I couldn't ask for help. I felt like it was weak to ask for help. I felt like I would be judged or I would let my family down if they saw me that way. So I kept unconsciously numbing those feelings by filling my evenings and weekends with pleasurable experiences.

It took a traumatizing event (this is a different story altogether) but eventually, I got quiet.

I got really quiet.

I got help too.

Silence, stillness and support slowly helped paved the way out. It didn't happen all at once, but I gradually began to settle in. It probably took a couple years.

It was in this space where I slowly began to remember who I am. My True Self.

Once I touched this space, it was as if all of the things I was holding onto, the things I thought were important; what people thought of me, the outputs I was producing at work, my status, my bank account, the girl that I wanted to love me back so much but didn't - all of them started to fall into proper relationship with each other and my identity began to be rooted into something beyond.

I'm human. And I'm not writing this at the top of some mountain saying I've made it. But I'm here to tell you that there is a way to living this life with an inner knowing that you are whole and complete. Lacking nothing. And yet knowing that you are also nothing if you don’t surrender to the Love that wants to be given to you. Some people call it Love. Others say God or Energy or The Universe or The Unknown or The Divine. Whatever it might be, it's everywhere and it's inside of you. It never imposes. But it's a quiet invitation and once you touch that space, the whole game changes. Everything changes.

These days, I still love to pursue and create pleasurable experiences. That's just who I am. I still love a good ass time. But I don't chase them and reach for them like I used to anymore. I don't create them from a place of lack. I don't try to recreate them to fill some hole inside me. I know that I am enough. I am whole and complete to begin with. And everything else is just icing on the cake.

My friends, I'd like to leave you with this beautiful poem by the mystic poet, Rumi:

“Do you know what you are?

You are a manuscript of a divine letter.

You are a mirror reflecting a noble face.

This universe is not outside of you.

Look inside yourself;

everything that you want,

you are already that.”

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Why do I share this with you?

Quite frankly, if you're interested in having a conversation with me; let's do that. Let's step into a space and explore who you could truly be.

And secondly, whether we speak or not, I want to encourage you in this missive to search the depths of your being. Don't be afraid to look. Search earnestly, trust yourself and know that the treasure you seek is there.

In our time together, we will talk about your vision, your values, your work, your goals, the money you want to make, your relationships, and how your self-narrative intertwines through all of them. We will dream, get clear about your vision and take bold action. Within our conversations, we will experience new and fresh insights. We'll develop a new way of seeing who you are and what you're capable of. With those insights, we will explore and play with new behaviors. Be forewarned: You will need to have a willingness in being a little uncomfortable. As we all know (but rarely put into practice), growth happens when we lean into our own unique sense of where our discomfort may be. This might mean you have that conversation you've been putting off. Or you get disciplined in pursuing what you say you want. Or you create a plan to leave behind that comfortable salary and pursue your dreams. Or you finally just ask her out. Whatever it is, it will require radical honesty with yourself and action.

Along the way, something once in a lifetime unfolds when we freely and fully enter this coaching space together, without holding back. The work becomes sacred. Of course it does. It must. When we explore all the ways of our deep being that have worked for us until now, and then we realize that they no longer serve us like they used to, this becomes a sacred and daring act.

These are not everyday conversations we can have with anyone. For many, these are conversations they won’t dare to have with their closest friends or partner. And that’s okay. This is our journey and not everyone in our lives is meant to walk with us during this time. That's the best way we can love them. By becoming more of who we truly are and just let them experience it.

For those of us who intuit that we are ready, it is our heroic responsibility to say yes to this work. By committing to these conversations with a grounded but intense fidelity, we slowly begin to habitually calibrate and relax to the reality of who we are. We relax and remember who we’ve always been, the entire time.

A reminder - we are human. These conversations won’t protect us from suffering or pain or being pissed off and ornery. That's part of the human experience. But the space we create will help us become a little more wise and a little more patient. We surrender every little thing we’ve ever wanted to control and begin to play with a confidence independent of our efforts nor the outcome. As we begin to settle into who we truly are, the challenges of this life have us less caught up. We play loose. We play with freedom. We play.

More importantly, we begin to serve everything we touch with more purpose, intention and presence. Imagine the shape and texture of the things we create within ourselves, our relationships and our work grounded in this awakened place of original wholeness. What else would we dare to create?!

This, as far I have seen and experienced, is the path. Waking up and relaxing to the reality of who you are is the path.

And my friend, if the path has been calling you, you must say yes to it. Walking the path might be the most lovely thing you will ever do.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Fear of success.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of uncertainty.

Fear of loss.

Fear of death.

Fear of being brokenhearted.

Fear of looking bad.

Fear of what others might think.

Fear of what your partner might think.

Fear of discomfort.

Fear of stepping outside what you've known.

Fear of being broke.

Fear of your efforts amounting to nothing.

Fear of being vulnerable.

Fear of unrequited love.

Ultimately, all fear is ever saying is, "No."

You got dreams?

You got desires?

You got wishes?

You got aspirations?

Fear says..."No, stay safe instead. It's better here."

How is it possible that fear is a friend misunderstood?

Let's look at it from my 4-year old son's perspective. I love him dearly but he's given us zero sleep the last two weeks. The monsters in his room are really getting to him right now. Most nights, he gets up at least once, walks into our room, wakes us up (usually mom) and asks us to escort him to his room and help him fall back asleep. We ask him why he's awake and his response every single time has been, "I'm scared. The monsters are in my room."

If you've been following these blogs, you know that I make connections with my experience as a parent to my experience in my coaching. The honor of being a parent (and also being a coach) is you get to help guide a new human into experiencing their emotions for the first time. These are novel experiences unique to being a human and they are complex. They are physiological and somatic. I've found that to the extent that you've done your inner work in your own development is how far and deep you can go with your own kids (and clients, colleagues, partners, etc.)

In this instance, I get to explore fear with my son.

Wow, what a task right? And honestly, I wasn't very good at it first. I felt annoyed. I felt like he should just tough it out and go back to sleep. But I realized that how he shapes his relationship with fear now will impact the rest of his life. So, clearly, I need to be better.

We tried a few things. We tried to give him space to explore and express his fear. We gave his fear a voice. We asked him to tell us more about what's going on for him when he feels the monsters nearby. We gave him tips of what else he could do when he wakes up. He seemed like he would be getting it, but then later that evening, he would get up again. And the next night. And the next night.

We were drawing on blanks on what else we could do, so we asked Maxwell's teacher.

Sidenote: It took us over two weeks to ask her. Why? Well a lesson we keep having to learn is it's okay to ask for help. And in this instance, we needed to learn it again. Let me tell you, I'm so glad we did because we loved her approach.

She said that as early humans, we like and get curious about fear. We experiment with it. We explore it. One of the earliest games we play as a kid is Peekaboo! It's a game that is centered around fear! Kids also love to chase each other and scare each other. Fear is a part of their early play! When we feel fear, we like the feeling of it and then we like knowing that it's actually not real. But what happens is as our mind starts to mature, it also starts to fall asleep to the inner child in us. We create stories where fear becomes our reality. And for Maxwell, his mind is starting to do just that. The fear that he feels at night overwhelms him that it becomes his whole reality. He over-identifies with it and then it drives him to get up, run to our room and ask for our help.

Ok, so clearly if I tried to tell Maxwell this, he'll probably be confused. We have to get creative on how we communicate these concepts to him and use metaphors and stories. But for you who is reading and listening, I hope metaphors aren't necessary. I hope there is some resonance in what I'm saying.

What part of your fear are you over-identifying with?

What if you got in touch with your inner child and got curious about fear?

How would you show up to your deepest dreams & desires from there?

I invite you to sit with this for a while. Reflect on how it might show up in your life. And if you get an insight, I'd love to hear about it.

"Fear is a friend who's misunderstood, but I know the heart of life is good."

-John Mayer

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

The pursuit of your dreams can be tiring. And disheartening. Within Joseph Campbell's framework of the monomyth, he considers this stage the Initiation. This is where trials, failures, temptations to stay within your comfort zone take place; they are eventually transcended and lead to greater understanding. Honestly, ain't nobody got that time for any of that. Give me my three-day weekend, with my new Netflix shows, all the sugary sweets I've been avoiding all week and leave me alone. I don't want transcendence or enlightenment. I don't want hardship. Sometimes, I just want to give up and rest in my cocoon. I've got a house, money is good, my kids are healthy and wonderful and my wife is smokin hot. What more could I want? Leave me alone, dreams.

But, if you're like me, you know they won't right? They'll keep calling. They'll keep nudging. The Essential never imposes, but ever-so-gently and lovingly, they'll whisper like the wind; calling us to walk the path paved only for us.

Richard Rohr, in Falling Upward, provides his own take on this whisper of the wind.

"The ancients rightly called this internal longing for wholeness ‘fate’ or ‘destiny,’ the ‘inner voice’ or the ‘call of the gods.’ It has an inevitability, authority, and finality to it, and was at the heart of almost all mythology. Almost all heroes heard an inner voice that spoke to them. In fact, their heroism was in their ability to hear that voice and to risk following it—wherever!”

Ugh. Again. Stop inspiring me, dreams. Leave me alone. I want to be comfortable.

But those of us who dare answer the call know that deep inside, we can't maintain the status quo can we?

The clients that I work best with are those that are in pursuit of something big, something different and something new. They’re aligned with their greatest gifts and they are in pursuit of their dreams. Dreams of a new career, a deeper relationship, a new relationship, moving to a new place, making more money with greater ease, or finally executing on that thing you’ve been talking about for years.

The first step is admitting to yourself that there is a dream. A call to destiny. The inner voice. Getting drastically clear on that dream. What it is and who it's about. Once we get clear, these questions always seem to be next.

What if it amounts to nothing?

What if I go for it and I fail?

What if I pour my complete heart into this and my heart is broken?

Here's what I've experienced so far...

It only amounts to nothing if you decide it does. The pursuit of your dreams is essentially a dance with you and the universe. You have zero control over the outcomes, but once you go for it, there are all sorts of new experiences, realities and possibilities that would have never existed had your dreams only stayed in your head.

You will fail. You will fail a lot. Campbell says, “If your bliss is just fun and excitement, then you are on the wrong path. Sometimes pain is bliss.”

Your heart will break. It will be painful sometimes. It will be sad. You will suffer. C.S. Lewis had this to say about having your heart broken.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

My friends, in the quiet, what's been gently nudging at you?

Follow this voice. Trust it. Yes, there are challenges but there is also bliss, freedom and light. An expansiveness that can't be fully articulated, only experienced. And once you say yes, you won't go at it alone.

In The Power of Myth interview series with Bill Moyer and Joseph Campbell, they discuss supernatural aid that seem to come from nowhere when you say yes to yourself and answer the call.

Moyers: “Do you ever have this sense when you are following your bliss, as I have at moments, of being helped by hidden hands?”

Campbell: “All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time—namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.”

I've experienced these invisible supernatural hands. Doors have mysteriously been opened, as if from nowhere. Honestly, I believe they are angels, guiding us, gently nudging us, never forcing us into the path, but giving us what we need once we walk the path.

May you answer your call, my friends.

May you make friends with fear.

May you be vulnerable and allow your heart to possibly break.

Like the acorn's metamorphosis into an oak tree, may you allow the seed of your dreams to become reality.

And if you want help, get help.

Reach out to me for a complimentary session.

Find a trusted friend that you can have a deeper conversation and develop accountability with.

Take the step. Rest. Take another. Celebrate. Fail. Learn. Rest. Repeat.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by eleonora on Unsplash

Maisie on the other hand, has zero problem accessing anger. Joy is definitely a top emotion too. And then anger is a quick and close second. This is why my most favorite words to describe her are fierce and wild. When she feels anger, it is a wild fire raging from her belly all the way out to her fingers and toes. For those Dragon Ball Z fans, I sometimes joke that she's transforming into a Super Saiyan when she's in her anger.

Being a parent during this time of my kids' lives is a wonderful learning experience, about myself and about humans in general. I get to discover how I want to guide my kids to relate to their emotions. That responsibility requires an inner exploration on how I relate with my own emotions.

Here's an example of how it plays out:

Maisie can be demanding sometimes and she'll demand that she wants a cookie at an inopportune hour, usually right before dinner. Sometimes we say yes and sometimes we say no. My baby girl being wired the way she is will begin to cry if we say no. And her cry is a cry of anger. She is pissed. We know because she'll yell, "Angry!" while crying.

When she's like this, everything in me wants to fix it right away. I want the anger to go away. This emotion is creating a strong discomfort and I want to soothe it in order to get rid of it. This is the default reaction. Generally, I prefer not to give into this reaction. Ideally, I would pause. Through my inner work and the coaching I've received, I've learned to make room for anger. So, in my most present moments, I won't give in, I will pause even more and consider my options. I can give in to my desire to soothe everything and make it better as soon as possible. I can give Maisie the cookie (and I'm not perfect, there are times that I certainly have!) Even worse, if I'm not in presence, I can react to Maisie's anger with my anger. I can question Maisie in a way that would make her feel shame about her anger. "Why are you crying? Stop crying. We're not having cookies. No."

Another path is allowing the anger to take up space. Giving it language. Giving it breath. I can create a container with Maisie in this moment where anger can exist and we don't have to collapse into it.

In my better days, I'll ask Maisie...

"Honey, you seem angry. Are you angry?"

Maisie will respond, "Crying. Angry. Cookie."

My heart breaks...

And I slowly muster up the strength to say, "I'm sorry honey, we can't have cookies and I hate that you're angry. But it's okay to be angry. You can be angry for a little while if you want. I get angry sometimes too when I don't get what I want."

And then we breathe together. We allow the anger to be. And then the anger might become sadness as she begins to realize that there will be no cookie. She won't get what she wants.

You know what's crazy? She gets over her anger every single time. It might escalate but the anger eventually subsides on its own. In a few minutes, she'll be off playing again. The moment we lean into the discomfort we feel because of the anger is the moment it starts to relax.

In our lives, as we relate with our partners, our colleagues, our family, moments like these present themselves to us. They are opportunities to expand. To grow. To learn.

You might be considering a career change right now. And this career change feels scary. There's fear because you actually want this thing. This is your dream. And the fear is creating discomfort. I've been there. In my worst moments, I resisted the discomfort by staying with the status quo. I stuck with the job I had longer than I wanted. I created reasons in my mind that justified my decision to stay longer. It was my way of soothing the discomfort of fear. It was easier to keep taking a cookie from the cookie jar. It was more comfortable. It was known territory.

You might be considering investing more meaningfully in your business. Perhaps it's deciding to bring on more people or increase your marketing spend. There might be fear there, so you hesitate. The fear might be things won't work out and you'll feel like a failure. And you're afraid of feeling like a failure. You're afraid of being "back there" again. Of feeling lost. Of feeling down. Of feeling depressed. Of being broke. Maybe, you're afraid of success. Of what others might think. Of being depleted of energy because of what this success will require of you. Whatever it is, the fear creates discomfort. And instead of exploring the depth of this discomfort; you, like most of us, will likely just stay within what's comfortable. You'll also just decide to take a bite of that cookie to soothe the discomfort.

But what if we don't stick with what’s comfortable this time?

What if we leaned into discomfort?

What if we created room for it?

What if we created a powerful container to hold the emotions that come up to the surface so we don't collapse?

What if, once we do this, we actually begin to fly?

I'm not going to be a perfect parent. My own parents weren't perfect either. All of us, on some level, were trained and conditioned by our early holding environments to immediately soothe the discomfort. But there's a point in which the conditioning doesn't serve us anymore. It needs to expire.

And once we allow it to transform, there is so much more expansion on the other side.

More gratitude.

More depth.

More aliveness, playfulness, love.

This is available for all of us. We just need to be ever more present and lean into those moments when they are here.

One last thing...

I noticed that Maisie's wired to keep trying to go for what she wants. She shows up to dinner the next day requesting for the cookie again, or some other sort of treat. She knows she doesn't get the treat every time, but she keeps trying. She shows up everyday, steps into what she wants and makes the request. Recently, she is starting to get creative with asking. And sometimes, she gets so cute that we give in and she gets the treat and more.

My point?

We are wired to go for what we want. To step into our deepest desires and go for it.

We may not always get it. The world may not always give us what we want.

But if we're willing to practice honoring and stepping into our desires; if we're willing to be with ourselves, in ourselves when we're disappointed because we don't get what we want, we will find that our setbacks only motivate us to keep going. To keep trying. To keep being creative. At some point, we will get that YES. And my friends, you know as well as I know, how SWEET that YES cookie truly is.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Four years ago, I answered the call of becoming a professional coach. I've stepped into it, played full out and held nothing back. I've invested more time and money into improving my craft and building this business than anything else I've ever pursued. It's required everything. Throughout the journey, I've experienced an inner awakening I've been yearning for all my life. I didn’t know how asleep I was to begin with.

And yet, I find myself frustrated with my incremental results. Or at least, what I consider are incremental.

Here they are:

* I was fired from a job while my firstborn was only 3 months old. I realized that I didn't deserve that termination after the fact. Still, I am more pissed at myself for playing small. For just accepting it and not standing up for myself. I wasn't being my true self throughout the process. I was people pleasing. I thought I was being the bigger person. Accepting this and moving on has been transformational.

* I am, more than ever, comfortable in my beautiful brown skin. I no longer see it as a liability.

* I've had speaking opportunities and led workshops at universities, startup accelerators and nonprofits.

* Through therapy, coaching and the support of my loving wife, I experienced healing from a childhood trauma.

* I am coaching clients who I feel intimidated by.

* After being fired from the job, I felt low and doubted my ability to provide for my wife and two kids. And yet, we were able to purchase our first home last year right before the pandemic. It was divine timing.

The incremental results list goes on. In reality, these were only things I was dreaming about years ago. And yet, I still find myself in this tension between the incremental and the exponential. I keep feeling agitation towards my progress.

Why?

Well, one reason is I don't celebrate my wins enough. I bypass them. I don't acknowledge the work I've put in. I don't set aside enough time to let the deep joy tether to my soul. I'm onto the next thing. My mind is constantly on this made up finish line. Running towards it and white knuckling my way through. And I make up that this finish line will bring me greater love and freedom.

And as I write that, I immediately recognize how false that narrative is.

Here's the truth:

Tension is part of the game. Kierkegaard calls this the "dizziness of freedom". It's “the dizziness effect of looking into the boundlessness of one's own possibilities.” Boundlessness - what a word. When I reflect on that, I feel an expansion in my body; I feel free and light. And on that path will be a dizziness effect. It is literal transformation.

And also, who gives a s**t where I am on the exponential curve? Probably no one, BUT ME!

Sam Altman said the problem with playing the exponential game is at times it will feel like you're making incremental gains.

And I'm realizing that we sustain this game by celebrating our wins and accepting the dizziness effect. We welcome all of what comes in to come in - make room for all it. Frustration, sadness, wonder, excitement, joy, love, connection and freedom. It all belongs.

We can create freedom TODAY.

We can be playful TODAY.

And we do the work with joy and with gratitude TODAY.

And if we need break, we take a damn break.

The outcomes are the outcomes. They will come however they want and they are ultimately out of our hands.

This is the process. This is the rhythm and the flow. This is what it looks like to pursue our dreams.

Let’s revel in it.

What results are you making up to be incremental? What if it didn’t matter whether your results are incremental or exponential?

Would you play the game differently?

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

* Focus is Freedom

* Pause and anchor

* Create don't consume

* Effortless but not easy

Freedom is a high value for me. In fact, it's probably my highest value. I crave freedom. Everyday. I have a daily internal dashboard and freedom is consistently tracked. Internally, I am always asking, "Where is my sense of freedom and what experience can I create to bring freedom into this moment?"

My phrase "Focus is Freedom" came from a syndrome I suffer from. It's called Shiny Object Syndrome.

Do you find that your body tightens up if there's a task at hand that you find boring? Do you want to immediately escape that moment and find something shiny and fun to do instead? You probably have this syndrome.

Do you commit yourself to a vision and then find that you never finish it through? You instead fill your time with other fun shiny projects and suddenly you're spinning a few plates. Often, they're slightly more than you can handle and while people are happy with your results, you know you're distracted. The quality of your work could be better. You probably have this syndrome.

For the record, I'm not sure if this syndrome is medically recognized. I've never bothered to actually look it up. I don't remember how I came across it, but I do remember it was right around the time I started to get certified within the Enneagram (I'm a Type 7!). I remember identifying with this syndrome so strongly that it stuck with me. You see, what I learned is that people who suffer from this syndrome have Freedom as their top value too. In its most extreme manifestation, these people are the thrill seekers, daredevils, and death defiers. This might have been that person you dated a few years back and had commitment issues. If you social media stalk them these days, yep, still single. There's nothing wrong with this. The reality is they don't have commitment issues at all. It's just their highest commitment is to create Freedom - whatever reality that might be.

My impossible vision and goal this year was to create as much money I've ever made and achieve it from the highest sense of freedom I've ever felt. I am committed to creating this vision while thriving in all the roles I have as a husband, father, big brother, and business owner. This impossible vision and goal wasn't going to be easy, but it would be effortless.

In order to manifest this presence, I knew I needed to approach my Shiny Object syndrome differently. As I pondered on my 2021 vision, I knew that I had to laser focus. As you know, the notion of focus + this syndrome do not go together though. So I got curious, what if they did? What if focus equaled freedom?

Boom. That's it. That's the thing about powerful questions, they create exponential insight that would pay dividends forever. In that moment, I got my insight. Focus IS freedom.

We're barely four months into 2021, but here are the learnings & results of working with this insight so far:

* I'm not the type to have a planner notebook but I got one. I recommend the Productivity Planner from Intelligent Change. I got ruthless about prioritizing. This planner helps me get clear on which levers to pull that will create the most meaningful progress towards my vision.

* The planner has me radically clear on daily tasks I need to complete that will ever so slightly move the needle toward my vision. Some tasks are boring. When I feel that tightness in my body with these boring tasks, I stick with it. I commit to sticking with it for 15 mins longer than I would. And on the other side? It becomes effortless. I start to enjoy the task. I get creative. I feel free.

* There is ALWAYS more to do. ALWAYS! It's never-ending. Because I am clear on the 1-2 levers I need to execute on everyday, I have conditioned my brain to feel satisfied once those are complete. I am overachieving if I complete more than the 1-2 tasks. When necessary, I am okay leaving the other tasks to the next day. I go play with my kids. I work out. I read. I flirt with my wife. I do things I enjoy. I come back to the same tasks the next day and find that nothing fell apart. In fact, I'm more energized and creative. The quality of the work increases.

This last point is probably the biggest insight recently. I'm not a machine. When we are in productivity and achievement mode, we get in our routines as if we're robots. The planner is quite excellent at challenging me to think of the ONE thing that would create the most impact in my day. Everything else is secondary. They're not urgent. I took that seriously and it created this rhythm within me that's felt really good so far.

Look, I'm playing myself up here but I'm also not even close to the impossible money goal I set out to pursue this year. Here's the thing, it was impossible to begin with! Guess what though, I'm creating opportunities this year that I never thought would have been possible last year. And so far, I'm on track to create more income compared to past years. More importantly, I feel the most free I've ever felt. And the most present I've ever been. And things feel as if they're effortlessly happening. I don't feel like I'm striving or white-knuckling. I'm less attached to outcomes but more committed to them. I'm sitting well within this "Focus is Freedom" mentality.

What's your relationship to your goal and vision so far this year?

Are you enjoying the journey?

Are you treating yourself like a machine as you pursue your goals?

Reminder, you're not a machine.

You're human.

Beautifully flawed.

Pursue productivity. Achieve. Make s**t happen.

And also, create room for precious human experiences.

Like joy.

Rest.

Laziness.

Loneliness. Or languishing. (Love the NY times article on this word)

Playfulness.

Silliness.

Connection.

Love.

Feel into the depth of these experiences.

Lose yourself in conversation and a glass of wine.

Don't miss the moments.

They add richness within the achievement path.

Your outcomes don't define you. You're not a machine.

You're human.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

My parents had bigger dreams though; for them and for us. They wanted to do more than just make it work.

Since the US colonization of the Philippines in 1898, there's been an influx of Filipino nurses into the US. After WWII, it became more clear that US citizens weren't keen on becoming nurses so the government needed to fill that need. They created a few immigration programs to recruit more nurses in the next 50+ years and Filipinos dominated the supply that Americans weren't willing to fulfill.

My mom saw this as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to improve the livelihood of her family. This was the path to a better life. She found a visa-sponsorship program, studied her ass off to get accepted and immigrated to the US in 1994. She left us for almost a year and she arrived to the US with only $100 in her pocket.

One. Hundred. Dollars.

Can you imagine only having $100 to your name?

This is the backdrop of my relationship to money. We grew up from nothing. We lived in tiny houses in the Philippines. And in a matter of one year, all sorts of new possibilities existed to create more wealth. To have access to more.

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted more.

More clothes.

More shoes.

More vacations.

More money to fund all these experiences.

In this pursuit of wanting more money, I discovered that there are three essential levels to the money-making path. The first level is simply to make money. To make as much money as possible through your job. The job you had equated to how much money you would make. The second level is managing the money. It's essentially spending less money than the income you receive. The third level is what most would consider as financial freedom. It's wealth. It's f**k-you-money. It's when your money works for you. This is the level I'm playing in now.

Growing up from nothing, I thought the first level was essentially it. You work, you make money, you have retirement, you buy things, and that's it. That's the dream. But when I went to a college of predominantly white affluent families, I discovered that there was more money to make and a way to make it work for you. There's another lifestyle you could have in this level and I wanted all of it. Who wouldn't?

Now, this is where it gets tricky and complex. At least for me it did. The reality is if we start to play this game of financial freedom, we soon realize that we all have vastly different starting lines. I was in a fraternity during college and my bros would spend a year's worth of work study money in one week during our spring breaks. When I started my professional career, some of my colleagues would be able to spend more money on networking dinners than what I made in one day. That gave my counterparts an advantage I did not readily have. And this kept happening during my career. I always felt like I was ten steps behind because of how much money I didn't have. At first, I was bitter about it. I played the victim. I made others my enemy because of it. Needless to say, I was only hurting myself.

I had to accept the reality I was in and be okay with it. That's how it is. It's not others' fault that they were born in the circumstances they were in, just like it's not my fault I was born with my reality. Thankfully, I got out of that victim mindset. Got coached and stepped into a winning one. One where I can be more creative and free in my pursuit of financial freedom.

If I am to keep playing this game of financial freedom, the first thing to acknowledge is that it's essentially a game to begin with. That's how it would loosen up. That's how it would become more fun and freeing.

The second is redefining my vision of financial freedom. For me, there's a distinction between a vision and a goal. A vision is a place to come from; a goal is a place to get to. So if a vision is a place to come from, then financial freedom is something I can step into TODAY. It's not something I need to wait for until I've achieved my goal. It's a way of being I can have TODAY.

When I envision myself reaching that financial goal, I feel free. I feel expansive. I feel full of joy with a gratitude as deep as the ocean. I feel at peace. I feel a bountiful love that I am humbled to be a recipient of. I feel honored to be trusted with that kind of wealth. And all I want to do is give more of it back.

I sit with that financial freedom vision and bring it back to the present.

I remember that freedom is our birthright. It's available to us today, moment by moment.

Joy, peace and love can be created today. We don't need to wait for it.

We can be generous TODAY. We can be grateful TODAY.

I'm not perfect. Some days, I honestly feel sad that I don't have the wealth that I want yet. I'm human and that's okay. Part of the human experience is sitting in the depth of that sadness and being okay with it. If I catch myself, I won't try to escape that sadness, or avoid it, or white knuckle the next task in order to get to the next milestone of my financial portfolio. I be with the depth of that sadness.

And on the other side, I feel myself anchoring deeper into that true financial freedom vision I have. Creativity suddenly starts to flow through me. I realize that there are a myriad of ways to achieve this goal. And it doesn't have to happen today. I have a deep conviction that it will happen and it's just a matter of time. Somehow, I find myself less attached to that financial portfolio goal while being more committed to achieving it at the same time. A paradox, I know. It's hard to wrap my mind around paradoxes sometimes, but I love it.

What goals do you have?

What is the vision behind that goal?

What might happen if you took time this week to create meaningful distinctions between your vision and goals?

What if your vision became a place to come from? And your goals became places to get to?

What might loosen up?

How might the journey become more freeing? More fun?

Sit with these questions and I'd love to hear the insights you get if you do.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Photo by DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

"Is it always going to be a grind?" She asked.

And my response almost automatically was,

"Grind is a state of mind."

—

There is a Scottish mystic named Syd Banks that changed the game for me when I learned about a framework he created called The 3 Principles. The principles of Thought, Consciousness and Mind. Within the principle of Thought, he submitted that as humans, we are living in the feeling of our thinking. He claims that Thought creates Reality 100% of the time. Not 50% or 60% - we live in the feeling of our Thinking 100% of the time.

What.

When I heard that and let it settle within me, I knew there was something deeply profound about it. If we are living in the feeling of our thinking moment by moment, then our reality is not heavily dependent on our external circumstances. Not as much as we believe. Our feelings tell us about our thinking. And our feelings tell us about our perception of the moment. Lisa Feldman Barrett PhD, a neuroscientist pioneer in the study of emotions within the last decade, supplements this framework by Syd Banks. She makes a strong claim as to what emotions actually are. Essentially, her research states that emotions are guesses by the brain. Our brain is making guesses as to how our bodily emotions should react. And we have more control on our emotions than we perceive. See this TED Talk for more info>

So let's go back to this idea of the grind being a state of mind.

When you think of the word "grind", what thoughts come through? And what feelings do those thoughts come with?

If it's negative, your body might tighten up. You might feel a sense of constriction within your gut. Thoughts of previous burnout might enter your mind and those thoughts might reinforce unwanted feelings within your body. In this scenario, the idea of "grind" might be attached with this sense of heaviness and lack of freedom.

Now pause...

If we buy into what Banks and Barrett are claiming, then we ought to notice that our emotions and ways of being within this moment are merely guesses by the brain. In other words, our feelings are feedback within our body manifested by our brain, based on its hypothesis. Our frustration or constriction or anxiety in this moment are physically fabricated guesses. Our brain is guessing that our emotions should manifest this way. It's a guess. An estimation. A postulation. Speculation. It's not accurate. Guesses are not accurate. Guesses don't need to be reality.

Let's reconsider the word "grind" again.

Are there new thoughts and/or memories coming through that we can potentially associate with it? Has there been a time when we've enjoyed the "grind"?

If you're coming up empty, take a walk. Take 10 minutes. Open up your meditation app and do some breath exercises.

Are there new thoughts occurring?

For me, it's an easy yes.

Take this blog that I'm writing for example. When I started this blog a few minutes ago, this was a "grind" to write, meaning the words and ideas I wanted to express felt challenging to articulate. They just weren't flowing through.

These were the thoughts occurring to me:

"Ugh, this is taking too long and the ideas aren't coming through."

"What other emails should I read instead because this is too difficult."

"Writing once a week is difficult. Why am I doing this to myself?"

As I got present with these thoughts, they generated a feeling of restlessness in my body. I was walking around the room a lot. I felt frustrated in my gut. I felt myself closing up. I started to plan out the next thing I would do instead to escape this feeling.

So I paused. I acknowledged the reality this was creating for me the more I bought into these thoughts. I noticed what it was doing to my body. I paused. I took breaths. Paused. Took more breaths. Waited for new thoughts.

Something happened. New thoughts arrived. These words I'm writing are the new thoughts arriving. All of sudden, I'm just writing. And I feel myself kinda loosening up. I feel myself less attached to what this blog is supposed to look like and how long it's supposed to take. I'm just writing the words occurring to me and slowly losing track of time. At the beginning of writing this blog, I was constantly looking at the time and in this moment, I'm not sure how much time has passed since I last looked at the clock.

In this moment, the "grind" of writing kinda feels fun. My body just loosened up. I just took another breath, deep into my belly, stretched my chest and back, and let out a slow and long exhale. This is nice. One can say that I'm in flow right now. Interestingly enough, the song "Get Money" by Notorious B.I.G. just came on and there's a new groove I'm in. Oh yeah, I'm there.

In a moment, I'm going to scroll up and read what I've written so far. I don't know if it's going to be good. This missive might not make sense. There are probably edits I'll need to make. On a good day, I'll find all the errors and correct them. But I want to lock into my way of being right now. I feel loose, I feel detached from the outcome and anchored into the reasons why I write these missives. I connect to the enjoyment of the process of writing. I love writing. I don't always love the first part of writing, but at some point, the "grind" of it becomes a fun grind. Grind takes on a new meaning.

—

I want to leave you with this quote from an unknown source:

As you go forward this week, what if the magic you're looking for will be found when you lean into the grind? What might be on the other side of that? Perhaps failure, more learnings or even better, your most precious dreams. One thing I know for sure, you won't know until you search for yourself.

Go.

Be uncomfortable.

Get comfortable in the discomfort.

Lean in.

Learn.

Love.

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

Apparently, no one gave that hardship memo to my Lola.

The stories that I've been told about my Lola are stories of determination and resiliency. It has only been recently that I've been told about her entrepreneurial spirit. You see, my Lola worked for an organization called Comelec - or the Commission on Elections. That's where she met my Lolo (grandpa). They fought for providing widespread voting access to all Filipino citizens. The organization consisted of smart and powerful lawyers (some who were sadly corrupt) that served as a potential market for my Lola’s entrepreneurial venture. When my Lolo died, it became immediately evident that she couldn't work under one income from Comelec to provide for her family of five. So, she created a side hustle. She started to travel to wholesale markets and at that time, these markets were primarily owned by Chinese-Filipinos. She established a completely new network of relationships, bought all sorts of goods at wholesale, and would resell them to her lawyer coworkers. When I imagine her doing this in the 1970s, the feeling of being in awe is an understatement.

If I asked my Lola right now about that time in her life, she would probably say she was just trying to make it work. She was just trying to get her kids through college and survive. But when I reconsider the stories about her, I see something else emerging. I see the engine that was driving it all.

My Lola had a vision. It was a simple vision, but it was powerful.

Her vision was this: An access to a better life for her family.

That's the thing about having a powerful vision, it can be the most simplest thing. But if it's meaningful, if there's depth to it, if it lands within our gut & bones; it can provide a potent purpose.

And my Lola's purpose was this: Getting all of her kids properly educated so they can have the access to a better life.

That was it. Simple, potent and it drove my Lola everyday to do what she did. She got entrepreneurial, she lived way below her means, and she sacrificed easy wins for long-term gains. I've heard stories of how each one of her kids would only have one pair of shoes, pants and t-shirt for at least a year; often more than that, in order to budget everything else within their livelihood. And the #1 priority was to get everyone through college.

My Lola succeeded. Through her hard work, extreme sacrifice and entrepreneurial ventures, she was able to get all five of her kids through college. Not only that, all of her grandkids are experiencing the benefits of those sacrifices. I live in America, I own property, I have assets, I have a healthy savings account, I have stocks -- I enjoy the lifestyle that I do and I attribute so much of it to my Lola.

When you have a vision & purpose that's so powerful, this is what happens. There are ripple effects that can keep going for many generations. The ripple effects for my Lola started with her kids. My mom used her education to create a better life for her and for us. My grandkids will be far better off because of the sacrifices my mom made. And my grandkids' kids and their grandkids will hopefully be better off because of the dreams I pursued for myself, as I anchored deeply into my vision and purpose. Maybe hundreds of years from now, they'll read this blog and trace back to the sacrifices of a woman a long, long time ago that led them to where they are.

My Lola's story has helped cement my vision & purpose.

My vision?

A world where more humans have more access to a better life. In their personal and professional arenas.

My purpose?

Unlock the vision & purpose of one human, one powerful conversation at a time, so that they create exponential ripple effects in their little corners of the world. I believe that each of us has a unique story inside of us and when it's unlocked, it can serve as an anchor to why we do what we do. When we discover that deep truth for ourselves, anything is literally possible. I mean that, ANYTHING. What we create from this deep place of truth can have a vibrant shape and texture to it. It can serve as a wellspring of inspiration for others for a long time.

That's my vision & purpose. It's simple. And real to me. It drives me to pursue my dreams everyday. The sacrifices don’t feel like sacrifices and I’m happy to make them (generally speaking). It might change and I might find sexier ways to say this vision and purpose. But the core of what I'm up to is pretty much already in there.

Pause and consider these questions…

What would happen if you locked into a vision & purpose that's so powerful, nothing can stop you? What sacrifices would you willingly make as you root deeper into your vision and purpose?

Fiercely Loving You,

Jomar

My Lola, back in 2015, in the striped shirt behind me laughing at my silliness.

In the last half decade, I've spent countless of hours interviewing, coaching, working side-by-side and facilitating workshops for high-performers. I'd like to take time today sharing a general theme I've discovered. Themes around the context high-performers live in, and the rules they create around outcomes and around time.

CONTEXT: If you are a high-performer, you're likely always putting yourself in some sort of race. Consciously or subconsciously. The race feeds you. Or perhaps the race feeds on you. It’s arguable, but the point is, once a high-performer finishes one race, they are immediately off to the next.

In this race, high-performers will create rules.

Rules around results and outcomes. Quantitative rules such as a monthly revenue goal, the amount of a fund, a percentage of salary increase, weeks of vacation per year, total portfolio amount, number of attendees in a program - the list goes on. Qualitative rules will also be created such as what results should look like, the fidelity of the design/output, what others might think about you because of said outcomes, and how you will finally feel once the outcome is achieved.

Rules will also be created around time. When the outcomes will happen, how long it's supposed to take for the outcome to be here, the weekly goals to get there, the monthly indicators you need to know you're on track, and the yearly expected growth.

And then, stories will be created about the venture if those rules about time and outcomes are not met. These stories have a tone of finality to them - they are conclusions.

They sound like...

"We've made it - we can relax. We're free."

"We didn't hit target, we didn't work hard enough."

“We’re behind, something is wrong.”

I find this wild. Like insanely wild. We create realities based on arbitrary rules we've created around outcomes and time. And then, our feelings are based on when and how and what those external things look like. And when I say wild, I don't mean in a judging condescending way. I mean fascinating. As in, how intriguing that as a human species, we create our own realities within our own minds and project them out into the world.

THE TRAP

I want to submit that this is a trap. It's a trap we unconsciously set for ourselves. It's a trap I've fallen into and still fall into sometimes. Imagine being in the wild and we're creating a complex series of baits that ultimately lead to falling into a contraption. We're hunting for outcomes and results. If the baits work, then outcomes will all fall into this contraption. We'll run to it when we've trapped the outcomes and then when we open it, we'll find love, validation, connection, exoneration, peace, and all the things we've ever longed for.

What actually happens though is that we run to the contraption, so eager on what we're about to find. On the way there, we trip and stumble and fall into the box. The lid shuts on us. We're trapped. We would be okay by this because we believe everything we've ever wanted was in the box, but we discover all the outcomes we're now in this box with are useless. And, oh yeah, we're trapped in a box with the lid shut.

It's time to change the way we create these rules.

Firstly, with the race. Let's change the setting. It's not a race. It's an adventure. It's a sandbox. It's an arena. With multiple possibilities and pivots and secret doors and new discoveries. There's no end. In fact, it’s not about the end. It just keeps going, one adventure to the next.

Secondly, with outcomes. Let's detach from them. Let's get lost in the process and get playful as we strive towards them. Let's not put so much weight whether they happen or not. They are arbitrary after all. Let's connect to our inner child in this realm. I see my son setting outcomes all the time. For example, he loves the outcome of building forts. He decides to build it but he gets lost in the process of building. He plays make believe even before he finishes the fort. Sometimes, once the fort is created, he'll destroy it right away. He forgets about the goal of finally building a fort. He gets lost in play. This is our origin; it’s in all of us.

Thirdly, with time. Let's understand that time is a human construct. The calendar year as we know it is quite young when compared to the age of human history. So if you're saying something must happen in one month or three years or "I should be at this point by this time" - you are literally attaching your own meaning to the story you're creating about your relationship with time.

Set aside meaningful time and consider these questions:

What stories are you creating within the reality you're living in? Is it a race? What would loosen if you changed the context?

What's your relationship with outcomes? What do you make up you'll feel once you achieve outcomes?

What's your relationship with time? Are you a slave to your calendar? And notifications? What would happen if you made it a practice, week by week, to lose track of time?

Fiercely loving you,

Jomar

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Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash