Since kindergarten, I have loved music. I performed for people for the first time at my kindergarten Christmas show. That was 1967. I have been a professional musician since 1982. I have performed at stadiums. I even went to music college for one semester straight out of high school. But I had opportunities to make money playing, so I quit school. I didn’t go back for 16 years. And then, it wasn’t for music, but for Computer Information Systems Management. So I was never a proficient sight-reader. For the non-musical, sight-reading is performing music when reading it for the first time, without practice. I can’t do it. At best, I can go very slowly through the sheet music until I get through it, and then I memorize it. I have always done it this way. No matter what level of musical success I have, since I can’t sight-read, I am an impostor in my mind. Never mind that none of the Beatles (my favorite band ever) could read music. That doesn’t matter. I am a musical impostor.

Still Finished! is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Imposter syndrome hit me really bad in my twenty-three year tech career. I started my I.T. career late in life at age thirty-eight. My rise was somewhat meteoric. I went from making twenty-four thousand dollars a year to six figures in less than 3 years. That felt unfair, like I shouldn’t be able to do that. “My colleagues and bosses must be deluded. They can’t be seeing the real me.” I thought like that for twenty-three years, until the day I got fired, an experience that confirmed to me that I was a tech imposter. I had been able to fake it for over two decades, but people finally caught on. That is how I understood things. That was completely incorrect, of course. But that is how I felt, and most of the time still feel.

Since that firing, I have not done all that well, mentally. In fact, I have realized that many horrible things that happened during my childhood have caused me to think differently than I should. This is called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD has to do with multiple traumas happening before age eighteen. Here are a few details of my youth. I share them only because this post will not be complete otherwise. Without going into detail, I’ll just say that I had a mentally ill mom. My father died in 1975. I was thirteen. I was now the oldest male and I felt that I had to be the man of the house.

The kind of discipline that my siblings and I experienced is called child abuse today. Here’s one example. Growing up, if either of my parents thought that one of the kids were lying, they would employ their lie-detector technique. They would hold a butter knife over the flame of the gas stove and then tell us to stick out our tongue. They would tap the hot knife on our tongue. If it burned, we were lying. If not, we were telling the truth. In fact, the normally heard parental question of “Are you lying?” was replaced with the threat, “I will burn your tongue.”

Another event that affected me deeply was a double murder-suicide in my family. My cousin’s husband killed their two children, ages seven and nine, and then tried to burn the house down. He was then going to go kill many more family members, but he caught himself on fire in the process, so he shot himself in his car in front of the house. I tell all of this only because the next morning, hours after the murders, I was in that house with my uncle, getting some things for my cousin. You see, the windows were closed, so the fire burned out. That morning I saw things that I’ll never forget - a melted mantle - burned curtains and furniture - and yes, beds with pools of blood.

These events have shaped my psyche. I have CPTSD, as diagnosed by three separate health care professionals. Lately, a very prominent Christian teacher - maybe the most prominent - has declared that there is no such thing as mental illness. It is all just lack of faith or rebellion. Is this true, or is it just more legalistic b******t that we hear so many times from the pulpit ( I once wrote a book called “The Top Ten Stinking Lies From The Pulpit”)?

PTSD and Impostor Syndrome have affected my Christian walk. I think that is probably no shock. But, Christian Impostor Syndrome may be the worst yet. I know that most Christians have to battle the fiery darts of the enemy. I have preached and taught about this for decades. But, for me, these fiery darts take the form of the following thoughts:

* Rick, you have failed as a pastor.

* Rick, you have no faith.

* Rick, you aren’t really a believer. That is obvious.

* Rick, you are a fake. You fake PTSD and you fake Christianity.

As I write those words tears well up, because all of this feels too real and true.

But,

* Christianity was never about my success. It is a lifeboat for my failure.

* The fact that I struggle is evidence that I am still in the war.

* Part of me is redeemed, and part of me is to be treated as if it were dead, because, in a very real sense, it is.

* God will finish what He started.

As I remember the Gospel, the great-exchange of my sin for Christ’s righteousness, I realize that it is meant for screw-ups like me. Part of me can’t handle the fact that I am still a screw-up after being saved for over 40 years. After years of full and part-time ministry, I still suck.

Let me clarify: my flesh still sucks. My sin-nature is not improving. It doesn’t improve. It gets worse. So, there is a disconnect between what I see with my eyes, and concepts like redemption, holiness, and progress. I don’t see or feel those concepts. I see the opposite. I see anguish, sin, narcissism and egoism. I am a Christian Impostor. Oh my God! My worst fears are true. I am even disingenuous about my faith.

So where does that leave me? In moments of clarity (like now) I realize that it leaves me where every other Christian is. I am a sinner who accepted a free gift of salvation.

But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. Rom 5:15

I feel like I am dying in some ways, but it is a good death.

My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20

I am not an impostor. I am right with God. I know that sounds weird, but that’s because no one says this anymore. But the Bible does.

But now God has shown us a way to be made right with him without keeping the requirements of the law, as was promised in the writings of Moses and the prophets long ago. We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. Rom 3:21-22

No matter who we are, we are made right by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. I know I have done that. This verse says all believers are on the same level. We all are made right before God based on faith in Jesus. I am only an impostor if I am pretending to be right with God when I am not. I am only an impostor if I am trusting in any goodness in myself, rather than trusting Christ. But, I base my hope on the finished work of Jesus on the cross. Therefore, I am right with God. I must constantly remind myself of this truth. I know it is true, so the work is in the reminding. The work is wielding the shield of faith against those fiery darts.

I am not a Christian Impostor. I am a messed up, struggling 61 year-old who knows that I have no hope other than Jesus. I don’t trust myself or my abilities nearly as much as I used to. Getting beat down by life has a way of humbling us. In fact, most times I feel like a horrible failure. Maybe that proves something to me. Impostors pretend. I am not pretending. I am desperately in need of Jesus. I need his grace and mercy or I will not make it through another day. A Christian imposter would not think that way. The devil is a liar. I have always known that. But, sometimes, we forget how subtle and sly he can be. If there is any area in our lives where we think we are “killing it” spiritually, we can be assured that the darts will come to beat us back to failure. The only way to combat those darts is with faith.

 Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see. Heb 11:1

I cannot see my holiness. I cannot see how I can be a redeemed person, when I still struggle so much. But faith says something is true, even though we can’t see it. So I will fight the “impostor” accusations, whether from my fallen mind, or from the devil. Because this deal with Jesus was never about me trying to be anything. It is about who He is, and the fact that He is able to keep what is His.

So, no more masks. If Jesus does not insist that I wear them, then I will not wear them. I am not holy in my behavior. Mask off. I am not pure in my thoughts. Mask off. I don’t have it all together. In fact, I feel I have none of it together. Mask off. I lack faith. Mask off. I have screwed up financially. Mask off. I have failed as a dad. Mask off.

When the masks are off, I just am what I am. Not an impostor, but a child that God loves deeply. I do not need to worry. Jesus said “It is finished”. I believe Him.

I wrote a song a while ago called “In Your Eyes”. The lyrics are:

With this last sip of new wine, I have some questions

The deeper I look in your eyes, the more I see my reflection

But your beauty should never be marred by my imperfections

Why do I look like I should in your eyes

I’m tempted to turn and to run in the face of such kindness

But the love that I feel from your eyes, I know I’d never find this

They tell me the best will still come and the worst is behind us

Oh why can I not look away from Your eyes

I’m all I can be in your eyes

I have all I need in your eyes

If I can only see me in your eyes

In the eyes of Jesus, I am a redeemed friend, a precious child of God, and yes, a sinner saved by grace.

Still Finished! is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

“With his own blood—not the blood of goats and calves—he entered the Most Holy Place once for all time and secured our redemption forever.” Hebrews‬ ‭9‬:‭12‬ ‭NLT‬‬

This short episode talks about the eternal security of Christians. Take just about 4 minutes to hear some good news.