Fairytales, according to Jungian thought, offer a kind of map to archetypes and psychic processes. Through them, we can recognize timeless patterns of individuation and the challenges we face along our road to psychic growth.

This week I wanted to talk about a fairytale motif that appears in many different fairytales (such as Amor and Psyche, Vasalisa the Wise, and versions of Cinderella). — sorting the seeds. Here, the heroine is asked to perform an impossible task overnight: to sort an enormous pile of seeds, the mildewed ones from the clean, or the chickpeas from the corn.

This can be understood as a metaphor for our ability to discriminate what is right for us; what is nurturing versus what would make us ill; a task that comprises a thousand tiny decisions, altogether overwhelming. As we discussed last week, managing our own health, caring for our own psyche, can truly feel like an impossible task. Who can manage this?

Well, as a matter of fact, the heroine doesn’t have to do it all by herself. In these tales, she accomplishes the task with the help of an animal (a cow, a bird, an ant) or a doll— her instinct, which operates at night, while she sleeps (that is, unconsciously!). She has to learn to listen to, and trust, this tiny voice, in order to complete the task.

But it’s not just about the instincts; we can also understand this theme as encouraging us to develop our feeling function. Feeling (according to Jung), is not about emotions, but about how we value something. It is the opposite of thinking. For example, if I am going to make a decision about where to go on vacation, I can use my thinking function (weighing the pros and cons), or I can rely on feeling, which says, “I like Sedona better than Vermont.”

The feeling function is itself under-developed in our rationalistic/ materialistic culture. We would rather know why someone wants to do something— “I like Sedona” isn’t enough of a reason. So, developing our feeling function is a task that many of us struggle with.

This is further complicated by the way, as modern humans, we’ve become disconnected from our instinctual selves. We rely so heavily on external advice about what to eat, how to move, and how we should live, that we have lost that connection to the small animal voice inside that knows what’s nurturing for us— or, at a more basic level, even that we’re hungry at all.

And while many of us are natural-born “feelers” 🙋🏼‍♀️ (rather than “thinkers”), we may have had to adapt strategies of setting aside our own needs and instincts in service of others’ needs. “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know, whatever you want.”

(The fact that the protagonists in these tales are gendered female— one of many social identities that is often acculturated to subvert its own needs— may give us a clue here, too!)

Learning to “sort our seeds”

In the video above, I show an exercise— called “sorting the seeds”!— from Cornelia Albrecht’s “Guided Drawing” techniques that we can explore as a means to experience that sense of fine discernment in our bodies (if this looks familiar, it’s because we used it to explore anger in this post):

Beyond this, how can we practice “sorting the seeds” in our own lives? We can start small, with our next meal. What do I like to eat? What do I not like? Or, we can notice how we feel in our movement practice: this feels good. This does not feel good. We can notice (without shaming ourselves) when we simply do not know. That’s a good beginning.

Finally, we can be inspired by the animals in our lives, who are so much closer to their instincts (and who often symbolize our “instinctive selves” in our dreams!) They eat when they’re hungry and sleep when they’re tired. They bark at the FedEx man and wag at their friends. They hiss when you touch them “wrong,” or meow for affection. These instincts are alive in us, too.

Fairytales and myths (alive and well in movies and tv shows!) hold truths that transcend culture, time and place. The developmental task of “sorting the seeds” is one that we can all practice. Knowing what is right for us isn’t easy when we’re bombarded with advice and images of idealized others— but it’s key to finding real satisfaction in our lives.

“If you’re determined to think of yourself as limited, fearful, vulnerable, or scarred by past experience, know only that you have chosen to do so, and that the opportunity to experience yourself differently is always available.”

-Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche, The Joy of Living

Last week, I talked about why imagination is so powerful for transformation (and included a 5 minute movement practice!). This week, I wanted to build on that conversation by sharing an embodied meditation that I really love— ton glen (“sending and taking”) practice. This is a Tibetan Buddhist meditation technique that relies heavily on imagination to create change in our minds.

Traditionally, ton glen is done for another being, or for multiple beings. In the variation I’m sharing here— taught to me by Tergar instructor Tim Olmsted— we practice ton glen for a past version of ourselves, and as a future version of ourselves extending the practice to our current situation.

As with all these practices, the idea is to loosen our habitual perception and begin to explore new ways of relating to ourselves and our experience. We’re also making a conscious choice to practice something different— recognizing that we have agency, and that we do not need to continue to do what we’ve always done.

As Mingyur Rinpoche says, the choice to experience ourselves differently is always available. Imagination helps us find it.

Let me know what you think in the comments— was this supportive for you? What was your experience?

In this episode:

* How our breathing can re-orient our system into different states

* Why all breathing is good breathing— but we don’t want to get stuck in just one pattern.

* How to recognize stress breathing patterns in ourselves and others

* A few simple things we can do to start to shift our breathing in the moment

Links:

* Breath Retraining with Jennifer- find out more about Jennifer’s work and take some free questionnaires to see how your breathing may be impacting your health

* A video of a starling murmuration (just for fun)

* As a thanks for subscribing, a bonus 20 minute practice to Reset Your Breath with me!

In this 10 minute embodied meditation technique, we’re using an object (like a tennis ball) to 1) explore our sense of presence; 2) give ourselves the potential to slow down if we’re feeling speedy, urgent, or like “we just have to move!” (but we really don’t want to; 3) find what it feels like in our bodies to make a choice around responding, rather than reacting; and 4) connect to our underlying sense of what our bodies and minds truly need in this moment.

Our nervous system (and our psyche!) is meant to cycle naturally through expansion and contraction. Traumatic events and chronic stress can keep us stuck in one part of the cycle. In this 20 minute video, we use a ball with a little bounce to it (Yoga Tuneup, tennis, or any hand-size ball will work!) and some simple movement to start to shift our experience from the inside out.

But why are we like that

In that post last week, I talked briefly about the neurobiology of co-regulation. It’s a biological imperative to hold and be held, not just as babies, but as adults. Ideally, we are able to regulate ourselves when we need to (self-soothing, which could be as simple as knowing when to eat your favorite ice cream or take a nap), but we also need to be able to interactively regulate (co-regulate) with other humans.

If we think about attachment types here, Allan Schore says that avoidant attachment types are always auto regulating (they’ve learned to take care of themselves, thank you very much); insecure attachment types are always looking for interactive regulation— someone to help them feel better (they need that spare battery human!)— but struggle to autoregulate; and disorganized attachment types, especially under stress, may not be able to autoregulate nor to interactively regulate. A tough place to be.

Some of us would rather give than receive… 

Beyond attachment, there are many reasons why we may find it more comfortable to give than to receive. Perhaps this is an intergenerational pattern, or our social position has acculturated us to be a giver. Whatever the case, perhaps you, or someone you know, finds it difficult to ask for the increased capacity they need. 

We all know somebody like this. Maybe you are somebody like this.

* We’d rather load the dishwasher ourselves because you’re just going to do it wrong.

* We’d rather do that work project alone because it’ll take more time to explain it than it will to do it ourselves.

* We know we could really use a massage but really we don’t feel that bad and shouldn’t we save the money anyway?

* We’re lonely, we know we could call that friend, but they’re probably busy and it’s not that big a deal. You get the picture.

For today’s post, I thought it might be fun to look at some of the archetypes of “go it alone” behavior. Archtypes give us a way to understand attitudes or energies that often feel bigger than us, older than us, or simply “that’s the way that it is.” As you read through the following, see what you notice. Do some of these sound familiar, or feel attractive? Do you recognize yourself or someone you know? Try not to take it too seriously, but have a little fun with it. Nobody is all one archetype (nor should we be— that’s dangerous); but maybe there’s something here for you to consider.

1. Atlas: “It’s my burden to bear.”

The first “go it alone” archetype we’ll look at is Atlas. In Greek mythology, Atlas was punished by Zeus for being on the opposing side during the Titans’ war. As punishment, Atlas was sentenced to hold up the heavens for eternity (though we often think of it as “holding the world” or Earth on his shoulders, it was actually the whole heavenly realm. Yikes).

When we’re under the Atlas archetype:

* we know this burden is hard, but it’s ours— not anyone else’s.

* this burden is too heavy for anyone else to bear; we’ve gotten pretty good at holding it up, so we’ll just keep going.

* we may feel or think, unconsciously, we deserve this burden, or this pain, or this punishment: “I should’ve known better; it’s my fault anyway.”

* we can be so identified with the burden that we don’t know who we’d be without it.

All archetypes have a positive and a negative aspect. There are a lot of things to love about Atlas: his strength, his willingness to hold what feels unbearably heavy. We want to be able to call in that Atlas archetype when we have to get through something really difficult. However, if we’re always holding up the heavens, we’re not able to live a very balanced life. And at some point, that weight will crush us.

When I think about how the Atlas archetype looks and feels in our bodies, I think about the crushing weight of that burden: shallow breathing, flexed spines, gritted teeth, tense jaw and pelvic floor, a sense of forcing ourselves to keep going.

Thanks for reading thoughts & feelings by laura beth wenger! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

2. The Amazon woman: “I got this.”

Strong, fierce, independent, the Amazon woman is self-sustaining. Part of her power, her mystique, is that she is equal to or better than any man, even in a world that does not value women.

The Amazon woman:

* doesn’t need anything from you.

* actually, she doesn’t need you at all, but she’s here to take care of you.

* doesn’t put down her weapons (whatever they may be); she certainly isn’t handing them to anyone else to hold.

* says things like “It’s easier to just do it myself;” “I can handle this;” “Thanks, but I’m okay.” 

Personally speaking, I love the Amazon woman. She defies patriarchal gender norms, and can give us the power and the strength to Handle the Business. But we’re not meant to always be in battle.

When I think about the Amazon from a nervous system perspective, I feel how deeply exhausting it is to always be charged up and ready to fight (or work). The adrenaline and cortisol we need for that sympathetic nervous system activation are great, but not as a long-term strategy— as humans, we’re meant to cycle between activation and rest, sympathetic and parasympathetic states. If we live in the Amazon archetype for too long, we risk the crash and burn that comes from an overburdened system. Amazons need a vacation, too.

I visualize the physiology of the Amazon woman as sympathetic activation: proud chest, extended spine, breath high in the chest, weight forward in the balls of her feet and ready for action.

3. The Martyr: “I serve a greater need.”

Ah, the martyr: a dangerously seductive archetype, because it is Holy, and Good, and Righteous. Whether the cause is spiritual, or social justice, or career-oriented, the martyr is wholly committed.

Like Atlas, the martyr bears the pain so others do not; she serves a Higher Destiny.

The martyr:

* may feel as though they are called to devote themselves to a higher purpose.

* may spend their time in work, service, or prayer, or meditation, but always for someone else.

* is deeply uncomfortable with pleasure, rest, or meeting their own needs.

* will neglect other areas of their life to serve the purpose.

* might be a workaholic who serves the purpose of the Family— food on the table, kids in college, etc.

* could be the family scapegoat, the one who lives with addictions, eating disorders, in rehab or endless therapy, bearing the pain so the rest of the family doesn’t have to.

* might engage in healing work, but only because it serves a greater good.

Of course, the martyr has her positive aspects: all of us at certain times will be called to sacrifice ourselves, our time, our money, for others, or for a greater cause. Yet the martyr can only end in sacrifice. There is no fullness of life. And the shadow side of the martyr— as with all these archetypes— holds the desperate isolation and loneliness that live in the parched desert of unmet needs.

I imagine the martyr physiologically as someone who is on auto-pilot, exhausted physiologically, dissociated from their body, ungrounded, but able to keep going because they are fueled by their belief.

The strength, power, and purpose of these three archetypes resonate deeply for me, and help me to recognize on a symbolic level how much I value my ability to serve, to work, to give. Yet I also know from experience that the shadow side of always being the space-holder (and never the held) is resentment, burnout, overwhelm, chronic illness, and fatigue.

As always, I’m so curious to hear how this landed with you, and what it evokes in your body or soul. Did any of these resonate? What did I miss? I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings on the “go it alone” archetype- share a comment below!

What comes up for you when you hear the word ‘power’? What do you feel in your body? What other words come to mind?

What is your relationship to power?

How were you acculturated to hold power?

Is power violent, loud, or angry (for you)? Could it be quiet, or still, or gentle?

Who has more power in your life than you? Who has less?

In what ways have you tried to get power (unconsciously) when you didn’t have it?

What would change for you if you felt more powerful?

Thanks for reading thoughts & feelings by laura beth wenger! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Mentioned in this episode:

“I is for Internalized Oppression”- recent related post

Trickster Makes This World- brilliant book about the trickster archetype that can inspire us to work with power dynamics in unconventional ways

“In my experience, it’s the clients who think of themselves as ‘lazy’ (or who say they are thought of as ‘lazy’ by others) aren’t lazy at all. In fact, when I hear this phrase, it’s a red flag to me that something else is going on…. They’re much more likely to be exhausted, depressed, chronically ill, unable to do exercise in the ways it is conventionally offered due to body or mind variations, resistant to ableist, sexist, racist or other patriarchal external suggestions about their body, or in some way no longer able to override their body’s need for rest or their soul’s need for nourishment.” 

Our culture’s hard-working, no-excuses lens on wellness can put us in a real pickle. If we’re tired, we 1) feel like there must be something wrong with us (i.e., it’s our fault); 2) think we need to use more “discipline” to “push past” it; and 3) if we’re not able to do that, we really messed it up. Finally, and maybe the most damning point of all, is that if we are able to successfully override our tiredness for a while and it backfires on us—we get sick, injured, or collapse—then 4) we definitely weren’t doing it right, and should look at our morning routine, get more protein, take different supplements, and “manage our stress better”— whatever that means (which reminds me, if you missed last week’s post about working with stress, that’s highly relevant here too).

Thanks for reading thoughts & feelings by laura beth wenger! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

What’s almost never taught in the wellness and fitness world is how to work with our nervous systems and, dare I say, our soul’s needs, by using movement and somatic practices— that is, exercise—to treat that tired feeling rather than fighting it. This does take a little more effort on our parts because we have to learn to understand ourselves and our own unique systems, rather than just following a nutrition and exercise plan that someone else mapped out. But in my experience, this is one of the most valuable skills we can learn, and if we are feeling exhausted or burnt-out, will make us better-equipped to follow a vigorous plan when we decide that time is right. 

While there are lots of ways to talk about nervous system states, I’m going to look at it through the lens of being “tired.” We’ll take a look at what I’ll call (arbitrarily— this isn’t particularly scientific, just some things I’ve found in my own personal and professional work) “4 different kinds of tired.” We always want to make sure  that our medical and nutritional needs are being met—being tired can be a symptom of a larger physiological issue, so please keep that in mind as well! 

It’s also very real that each of us has varying energy levels and we may be living with an illness or condition which leaves us feeling tired. I’m not measuring anyone’s energy levels against some imaginary norm or standard; “tired” here refers to an individual perception of oneself being tired—whatever that means to them. 

When we’re talking about each of these different kinds of tired, keep in mind that your own experience is the most important thing to explore. While I’m pretty good at understanding myself, and recognizing these states in the people I work with, it’s not an exact science and sometimes we have to try something and see what works. My hope is that there will be some information in here that might get you thinking about your own feeling of being “tired” and what might work to support it. 

“Didn’t Do Anything But Still Tired”

The first kind of tired we’ll look at is the “I didn’t do anything, but I’m still tired” kind of tired. In this category I think about folks who are largely seated most of the day for work or school, or engaged in repetitive tasks. These people might also be retired and largely sedentary. Their brain has been stimulated in one particular direction for most of the day, whether it’s problem solving or screen use, but their body hasn’t gotten to move much at all. It’s one of the weird dilemmas of our modern life— humans didn’t evolve to sit at a desk or on a couch but to use our bodies and minds together. Remember that the physiology of stress is to give us the means to fight/fight; we need to actually move our bodies to move through those stress states.

In these cases, while we may feel utterly wiped-out, moving our body can actually revitalize us by clearing the stress hormones that may have accumulated. If we’ve been working at a stressful job or just feeling the stress of being alive in the world, it can feel so good to go for a walk, do something physical with our hands (gardening, cooking, lifting weights, rock climbing)— that will help to discharge the stress hormones and complete the stress cycle.

 Additionally, moving in this way can help us to process (consciously or unconsciously) the events of the day. Just as Francine Shapiro, the founder of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) found, bilateral stimulation— which happens naturally in human movement like walking— is quite helpful in desensitizing us to stressful (or traumatic) events. That’s one reason we can feel so much better after going for a walk. 

So for these kinds of folks, even if they feel tired, I might start with some milder movement—mobility work, swinging Indian clubs, tossing a ball back and forth, a walk together. After about 10 minutes, typically they’ll find they have more energy and vitality returning to them. If that’s not the case, then we know we should switch gears. 

 “Did Too Much, Even If it Doesn’t Seem Like it, Tired”

A second kind of tired is the person who’s been doing too much—either physically, mentally, or emotionally—and is exhausted down to the bone. They’ve had to handle more than their system can comfortably tolerate without adequate time to rest. Now, this might be someone who’s caring for a sick family member, or whose workload is greater than they can comfortably handle. It could be someone who habitually pushes themselves in the gym or on the tennis court, never taking a rest day. It might be someone who’s undernourished. Someone with insomnia. Or someone who is living under so much systemic stress (or oppression) that they can never truly rest. For these folks, more physical stress on the body is not likely to be helpful.

Sometimes these folks don’t feel like they should be tired because the stressors are all external; that is, they don’t feel like they’ve done anything. If they want to try to move, I recommend really light movement to start—mobility, stretching, very light weights—and after about 10 minutes, we’ll have a better idea of what’s really going on as their system downshifts into time that’s centered on themselves (rather than dealing with external pressures). Then we can decide whether we want to continue with gentler movement (a long slow walk can sometimes be good here, too) or we might find that we need to really take it down another notch with something like restorative yoga poses; yoga nidra or other guided meditation; weighted blankets, aromatherapy. Sometimes these folks need to be reminded that this still counts as their movement practice; that it won’t always be like this; and once their body has adequate rest, it’ll be ready to do more again. 

Dissociative Tired- Here, But I’m Really Gone

The third kind of tired is kind of a sneaky one. For some people (myself included), one of the psyche’s defenses against stress is a form of checking out— dissociation, to use a big word— to become overwhelmingly exhausted, even when we’ve had adequate rest and haven’t been overdoing it. In my own case, I might feel like I can’t stop yawning, or everything might feel really dull or boring. It’s hard to concentrate or care about things. I might actually fall asleep if given the chance, or I might find myself eating more than usual and zoning out in front of Seinfeld reruns. Now, these things might be what’s really needed, but I typically know what’s going on with myself—and if I suspect that this might be happening in working with others, I use presence-orienting exercises to “wake them up.” This could include some balancing work or fine motor skill work (balancing two Jenga blocks, or balancing a ball on a yoga block or a book). Sometimes doing some improvisational tasks (having the other person follow my lead) or an improv task like bouncing in time to a favorite song can do the trick. This shouldn’t take long—if, after 5 minutes, the person still feels tired, or disconnected, I know that it was either not the right task; or we’re dealing with one of the other kinds of tired. 

“ Why Does My Heart Feel So Bad” Tired

The final category I want to touch on today is one that might overlap with some of the others—and that’s “soul tired.” In this category, the person might feel overwhelmed, exhausted, or burnt out because they haven’t been able to give their soul what it needs. A few examples come to mind here. A very personal one for me is my need for quiet and alone time. As an introvert, if I have been with other people for too long, or I’m otherwise overstimulated, I feel a kind of tired that is almost like hunger or thirst—and nothing but quiet time alone will restore me. Another example might be the person who has had to do too many things for other people for too long without being able to meet their own needs. They may be getting adequate sleep and even have free time, but they need something they haven’t been able to get—so their vitality has gone underground (this can also coincide with depression, or it may be depression). 

Of course, the practice for this kind of soul tired really varies depending on the situation. For the introvert, I might be more quiet than usual, reduce stimulation, and give them plenty of space to process verbally if needed (these are the folks who will say, “I’m sorry to complain so much!”). If I’m working with someone who has had to endure living with other people’s rules or ideas about them, and who haven’t been able to even find out what their own needs are—the last thing that is helpful is for someone else to suggest what they need. This person needs to start to connect to what they really need, and to be able to take the lead and make choice. I might suggest they try different kinds of movement, or give them a variety of options to pick from. What did they always want to do as a child? Can we make room for that now in their lives? These folks, too, may need space to grieve, or get angry about, what they haven’t been allowed to explore previously. It’s really incredible to watch the “tired” fall away as they find what feels good for them. 

 You might notice that in almost all of these cases, there’s something we can do to support ourselves when we’re tired—and while I’m not opposed to anyone sitting on the couch and eating Cheetos, if that’s not where you feel you truly want to be, then options are available to you. It can take time to uncover why you’re feeling tired, and we always want to rule out any underlying medical situation. And as we saw in the fourth kind of tired, there can be psychological reasons, too, so communicating with your entire team—physical and mental health—is really important. 

Thanks for reading thoughts & feelings by laura beth wenger! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

* U of W study on stress

* The Upside of Stress by Kelly McGonigal & her TED Talk

* Brief article on HRV

* HRV4Training app (free)

* Morpheus training system

Jungian Somatics- Movement for Trauma info & registration here

Improv movement with Elke Schroeder (she’s the best)

And I’d forgotten (until I listened back to this recording- ugh) about the hideous “Captain Smith…” line in the Peggy Lee song— to balance that, here’s a more nuanced look at the history of the figure we know as Pocahontas.

Thanks for reading thoughts & feelings by laura beth wenger! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.

Ian McGilchrist: The Master & His Emissary

David Epstein: Range

This video is a 30-minute practice I filmed for my subscription site— it’s a gentle, restful Feldenkrais-inspired practice you can do anywhere you have room to lie down (including your bed). If you’ve been feeling like you Really. Just. Can’t. lately— this may be the practice for you.

And, if you enjoyed this one, you might check out the other videos available on my site with a two-week free trial. Plans are pay-what-you-can (as low as $10/month), and there’s no commitment required. I add about one video a month.

I’ll be back soon with more thoughts & feelings, but this just felt like the right thing to offer this week. If you enjoy it, do me a favor and leave a comment or share with a friend— it means a lot.

Wishing you some ease and rest—

xo, Laura

“Whatever you experience outside of the body, in a dream for instance, is not experienced unless you take it into the body, because the body means the here and now.

If you just have a dream and let it pass by you, nothing has happened at all, even if it is the most amazing dream; but if you look at it with the purpose of trying to understand it, and succeed in understanding it, then you have taken it into the here and now, the body being a visible expression of the here and now.”

-CG Jung, The Visions Seminars, p 136

Want more? Here’s a (free) link to practice “Taking In The Good” with me.

Upcoming Learning Opportunities:

* Breaking the Spell: A Fairy Tale Path through the Dark Woods of Trauma with Laura Wenger & Jane Clapp 12/2.

* Jungian Somatics- MFT January 2025 w/ Jane Clapp & me

* Better Breathing for Trauma with Jennifer Snowdon & me January 30

Also…

* Jungian Somatics Dream Method- 2 day online immersion this fall

* Breaking the Spell: A Fairy Tale Path through the Dark Woods of Trauma with Laura Wenger & Jane Clapp 12/2.

* Better Breathing for Trauma with Jennifer Snowdon & me January 30

Love my shirt? Get your Embodiment Buddy tee here.

Also upcoming:

* Jungian Somatics Dream Method- 2 day online immersion this fall

* Breaking the Spell: A Fairy Tale Path through the Dark Woods of Trauma with Laura Wenger & Jane Clapp 12/2.

* Jungian Somatics- MFT January 2025 w/ Jane Clapp & Laura Wenger