I’m glad to be finally sharing with you a bonus episode about discomfort that has been brewing in me for months.

In this episode, I share about:

* How discomfort may feel personal, but is always inextricably tied up with relationships (with ourselves, others, and the world we live in today)

* How dominant cultural messages about comfort and discomfort may not help us navigate these experiences mindfully and compassionately

* Different forms that discomfort can take, and how all of these forms can call us toward learning, healing and growth

* How conflicts can be indications that things are changing, and how our responses to our discomfort with these changes can lead to greater harm or greater freedom

* How social locations (gender, race, etc.) inform our experiences of and meaning making around comfort and discomfort

* The importance of relational resource, and of being honest about our collective and individual need to build this resource to in order to hold all the discomforts present today

I also share more about my personal experiences than I have in the past, and how these experiences have shaped me to become the type of guide, facilitator, and coach that I am.

As always, if you think this episode could help others you know, please share it!

And if you feel moved to reciprocate, I always appreciate receiving a tip.

As I mentioned in this episode, my fall/winter coaching program Cave of Wounded Beasts: Repair and Regeneration for Systems Change Agents is now open for enrollment. Please reach out if you are interested in an initial conversation to mutually assess fit.

Endings are transitions, and in this episode I discuss the relationship between conflicts and endings, as usual in great depth.

I also share what I see as the main themes in this series, and how I see it as being different from other podcasts.

Listen in to hear more about:

* Why transitions and endings are so tender for us, and why they may lead us to avoid or mishandle conflicts

* How ghosting and cancel culture are both indications of a dominant culture that has limited capacity to compassionately care

* Some choices available to us if conflicts draw us toward ending attitudes, behaviors, communications, roles or relationships

Lastly, I share in this episode that I’ve decided to work 1:1 with folks again! You can learn more about these services on my website (note I’m offering them on a sliding scale).

As always, if you think this episode could help others you know, please share it!

Thank you so much, dear listener, for your time and attention, whatever it was, during this series’ unfolding. Please be in touch and/or stay tuned to hear more from me in the future.

And, one last reminder: Producing this series has been a great labor of love—if you’ve found value in this content, I would apprciate you considering leaving me a tip. 🙏

Links and additional resources:

* Unlearning Cancel Culture with Leticia Nieto, Ari Felix, Nichole Ossa & Lindsey T. H. Jackson

* TEDx talk by Harriet Lerner PhD, author of Why Won't You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

* Leading scientists on Cooperation in Animals and Why Humans and Other Primates Cooperate

* Joanna Macy’s writing on gratitude

* Window of Welcome practice from Sarah Peyton

* Article and guided reflection on the trance of unworthiness, and book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach

* Fierce Compassion podcast with Dr. Roxy Manning and Sarah Peyton

* Metta Hour podcast with Sharon Salzberg

* Tending the Roots: Composting Conversations podcast

Moe is the founder of Los Angeles-based nonprofit African American Community Healing and former president of the San Quentin Coalition For Justice. In his words: “If I can resolve situations in prison, why can’t we do this in our communities?”

Listen in to hear Moe share about:

* How learning new conflict skills can change your responses, your relationships, and your life

* Why it’s important to cultivate relationships with people from different social locations

* What restorative justice is, and how it can transform relationships between harmed parties, responsible parties, and community members

* How community-building communications can help prevent situations like the one that led to George Floyd’s murder in 2020

If you were moved by this episode, consider donating to Moe’s organization.

And if you think it could help others you know, please share it!

My recommendations for related resources:

* Truth and Repair: How Trauma Survivors Envision Justice by Judith Herman MD

* Say What You Mean: A Mindful Approach to Nonviolent Communication by Oren Jay Sofer

* How to Fight by Thich Nhat Hanh

* Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner PhD

* We Will Not Cancel Us And Other Dreams of Transformative Justice by adrienne maree brown

* Anger and Forgiveness: Resentment, Generosity, Justice by Martha C. Nussbaum

Listen to hear the unraveling of questions such as:

* What do you do when a previously-unspoken conflict surfaces? 

* Is setting expectations and holding people accountable trauma-informed or not?

* I was blamed for some project outcomes. Where could I have had conversations to prevent these outcomes and how could I appropriately explain my decisions?

* I’ve experienced receiving feedback from a couple leaders and haven’t been able to give mine in return. Should I try to give my feedback to them?

At the beginning of this episode, I also finally share some more about some of my own experiences, which I am drawing from in this series. (If you wish to skip this, you can jump to about 20 minutes into the episode.)

As always, I welcome your comments, especially about what in this episode is most helpful to you. I would also love to hear if you have ideas for a final episode I might release next month.

If you think others you know might benefit from hearing it, please share this episode with them.

Additional resources mentioned in this episode:

* Dr. Dan Siegel on Integration (which he defines as the linkage of differentiated components of a system)

* Unveiling the Impact of Trauma Porn Part 1 & Part 2 by Nkem Ndefo

* Healing Justice Lineages by Cara Page and Erica Woodland

* Article with Spectrum of Consent visual by Kai Cheng Thom (inspired by the work of Betty Martin)

* Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA, and my favorite interview with the authors about how the cure for burnout is NOT self-care

* Miki Kashtan on Feedback Without Criticism

* Recorded webinar on Empathy Across Power Differences by Miki Kashtan

* Right Use of Power Institute (If you sign up for a free starter membership, under courses you can find a free Intro to Right Use of Power course)

We cover many topics, including:

* What social locations are, and why it can be helpful to reflect on and discuss them

* What violence really is, and the personal and social costs of “peace keeping”

* How stereotypes and social expectations can impact how conflicts are handled

* Ways to communicate in order to invite transparency and also ensure choice

* How noticing capacity can help us make compassionate choices and honor choices others make

* How having awareness of and compassion for ourselves prepares us to be in relationship, including as a third-party to others’ conflicts

As always, feel free to leave a comment to let me know your thoughts, and if you appreciate this episode please share it with others.

Additional resources (including ones mentioned in this episode):

* Connect with Otisa Eads on Instagram and/or LinkedInMore about the concept of intersectionality from Forbes and BBC

* Worksheet for considering your own social locations

* Speech that references “negative peace” given by Martin Luther King Jr. when he received the Nobel Peace Prize

* How to Have Antiracist Conversations by Roxy Manning

* The Radical Implications of Staying within Capacity by Miki Kashtan

* From Sarah Peyton: What are Unconscious Contracts and How to Work With Them

* Article about Resmaa Menakem’s concept of “invited reps” and a recording about it from On Being

In the episode I phrased them a bit differently, but I think *being* is key for each, so here’s how I’d describe them as a whole:

* Being attentive

* Being open

* Being with and holding tension

* Being with and naming values and longings

* Being playful

These may seem straightforward, but in my experience they require wholehearted commitment and consistent practice. I hope this episode sheds some light for you, listener, no matter where you are on your journey.

I did not mention that you are more than welcome to rename these skills if something works better for you, so long as you remain true to the ideas. I confess that unlike the other episodes, I did do some slight editing with this episode for the purposes of clarity, however letting go of perfection remained a principle so my apologies if any sudden changes in volume or tone feel less than delightful to you.

If you enjoy this episode, please share it with others!

This is a final call for your questions—please share them here, message me on LinkedIn, or visit tinyurl.com/everydayconflict. I will publish an episode with my responses later this month.

Lastly, here are links to the people and resources I mentioned in this episode:

* My article on Joanna Macy’s Work That Reconnects

* Active Hope: How to Face the Mess We’re in with Unexpected Resilience and Creative Power by Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstone

* Interview with Kai Cheng Thom: Writing Love Letters to Monsters

* High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out by Amanda Ripley

* Resmaa Menakem’s offerings, including a free online video course

* Scientific American article about the gut’s “second brain”

* The Politics of Trauma by Staci Haines

* Example of a needs wheel (to use for identifying values and longings)

* Sarah Peyton’s offerings (including a free webinar on Dec. 12, 2023)

* Roxy Manning’s offerings

* Resources from Miki Kashtan (free or available on a full gift economy basis)

* Báyò Akómoláfé’s offerings and recorded dialogues with the Othering and Belonging Institute

* Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown

* Lama Rod Owens’ book Love and Rage and some free resources

Our discussion included topics such as:

* Work structures and dynamics, how they impact us and our work relationships, and the choices we have when navigating them

* The role of neurodiversity and trauma, and how they impact our behaviors and needs

* How we often percieve and respond to personalities different from our own, and how these relationships can actually help us grow

* The stories we tell ourselves about situations we are in, and how to be with what’s really going on for us and see the choices we have

* How our values can both create tension and help us identify various possibilities

* Asking for help, and how we can do it with compassion for ourselves and others

I hope listening to this real-life story helps you recognize how these themes might show up in your life, connect to the perspectives and ideas shared, and discover new choices you might consider for yourself. If you enjoy this episode, please share it with others!

I want to continue to share about situations that listeners like you can relate to. In fact, I hope to share an episode next month full of responses to listener questions, hopefully with some stories of my own. Please leave a comment with any questions you have, or visit tinyurl.com/everydayconflict to learn about sharing your story with me.

In this episode, I discuss my own ideas about and curiosities related to conflict, and why this series might be something you’ll want to listen to, whether you consider yourself to be conflict avoidant or confrontational or something in between.

I dive deep in this episode and address various myths about conflict, such as:

* Conflict means violence

* Conflict always leads to loss

* Conflict should be avoided

* Conflict is an external event

* Conflict is something only some people can handle well

* Leaning into conflict is a bad/wrong thing to do

Because I cover all of this and more, this episode is a bit long, so feel free to skip over the first ten minutes in which I introduce myself and the series (you can also learn more in my introduction post), or to break your listening up into a few sessions.

I would love this series to be a dialogue with you, so please leave a comment on this post to share your responses.

And if you enjoyed this first episode, I would really appreciate if you would share it with others! You can also leave me a tip if you wish.

As promised in the episode, here are links to some resources I mention and to explore further:

* The ‘polarization’ distraction, from the Othering and Belonging Institute

* Cass Sunstein on how social change happens, from The 80,000 Hours Podcast

* The Four Pivots: Reimagining Justice, Reimagining Ourselves by Shawn A. Ginwright PhD

* Radical Candor from Kim Scott

* Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Cares

* Introduction to the Enneagram, from Caroline Myss and Robert Holden

* Dr. Dan Siegel on reframing threats as challenges