The “Utility” Trap

The conversation dives deep into how colonization forced Black men into a “utility” mindset—viewing our bodies only for labor or reproduction. This binary has left many brothers feeling like they are “nothing” if they aren’t filling a specific role for someone else. Jai and the DBGM family challenge the idea that Black gay men are a “detriment” to the community because they aren’t procreating, pointing out that many are successfully raising families or serving as essential “uncles” and mentors.

Healing the Fragile Ego

From reacting to the KevOnStage controversy to discussing the “cancer” of toxic behavior, the episode highlights a hard truth: many men are running from their problems and crashing into toxicity.

* Therapy works: We have to stop hiding from our feelings.

* Emotional awareness: You aren’t “less of a man” for feeling your feelings.

* Whimsy is allowed: Sometimes, you just want to be a “boy,” watch anime, and frolic without the weight of the world on your shoulders.

The Verdict

As listener Rolando put it: “Masculinity is not dead, but it’s scarce”. It’s time for a new definition—one that allows us to be whole, self-aware, and emotionally sound.

Listen to the full episode of Dear Black Gay Men on Apple Podcasts and Spotify!

The Julez Smith Debacle

The conversation started at Club Opium in Atlanta, where Julez Smith (Solange’s son) was booked to host an LGBTQ+ night. Despite being paid to host, Julez reportedly declined interviews with queer media and remained in the VIP section without mingling with the community.

This sparked a heated debate: Why are we giving our hard-earned “gay dollars” to straight men who merely “tolerate” us for a check?. As I discussed in the episode, we often prioritize “straight-adjacent” celebrities while ignoring the queer icons and local creators who actually live our reality and advocate for our culture.

The EJ Johnson Paradox

On the other side of the spectrum, we have EJ Johnson. In a recent viral interview, EJ shared a vulnerable truth: they don’t go to gay clubs because the men they are attracted to—and who are attracted to them—aren’t typically in those spaces.

It’s the ultimate irony. We chase straight-identifying men who don’t want to engage with us, yet we struggle to create space for gender-fluid icons like EJ who are openly navigating the “in-between”.

Is Straightness the Blueprint?

It’s time to stop treating straightness as the blueprint for desirability. From the Pride stages to the club VIP sections, queer people should be top billing in queer spaces. We have to hold promoters accountable and start giving “flowers” to the girls, the dolls, and the men in our own culture first.

What do you think? Are we obsessed with straight men in the scene?

Listen to the full episode of Dear Black Gay Men on YouTube or your favorite podcast platform for the deep dive!.

The Naquan Palmer Saga & TS Madison’s Words

The episode features a critical update on the ongoing Naquan Palmer saga. Jai discusses the latest developments from the recent hearing regarding protective orders, a story that continues to evolve and spark intense conversation among Black gay men.

Adding weight to the discussion are recent words from the legendary TS Madison herself. When Maddie speaks, the community listens, and her perspective on this saga provides a necessary lens through which we should view these public legal battles and the intentions behind them.

Are Bottoms “The Drama” in Dating?

Beyond the legal headlines, the conversation looks at the “Pop the Balloon” challenge, which sparked a heated debate: Are bottoms becoming too picky?. Jai observed that while many tops and versatile men are open to a “full spectrum” of partners, some bottoms seem to exclusively seek out “strict tops”.

This led to a raw discussion about the “T” behind these preferences:

* Femmephobia & Masculinity: Is the insistence on a “strict top” actually rooted in internalised femmephobia?

* Position vs. Identity: Jai questions if sexual position should be an immediate dealbreaker on a first date.

* The “Unhealed” Perspective: Some suggest that rigid boxes for partners often come from a place of past hurt rather than genuine preference.

The Bottom Line

Whether you have “sugar in your tank” or you’re the “Glock on the nightstand” type, Jai reminds us that at the end of the day, the most important question is: “Do you like me?”.

Catch the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 9 p.m. Stay dope, stay honest, and keep loving Black gay men.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Grindr and the “Ugly” Factor

Does Grindr make you feel ugly? Jai explores a viral conversation regarding young Black men feeling insecure on apps due to racial frameworks and non-accepting atmospheres. While Jai notes that his self-concept was confirmed before he hit the apps, he acknowledges that places like Atlanta bring unique challenges. From being told you’re “too dark” to being “too short,” the scrutiny within the Black gay scene can be intense.

Building Real Community

A major highlight of the episode is the discussion on community. Jai asks: Do Black queer people have a real community?. While we often align around sex and sexuality, Jai challenges us to find deeper connective values. Whether it’s sexual health, celebrating Black culture through music, or simply “shooting the s**t” three nights a week, building a space where we show how dope it is to love us is the ultimate goal.

Redefining Roles

The episode also tackles the “straight top” phenomenon and bottom shaming. Jai pushes back against the idea that being a “top” means certain parts of your body are off-limits, calling out the insecurities often projected within our culture.

Join the conversation live every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 9 p.m. . It’s time to step out of our comfort zones and start digging for the “clearest water” in our dating pool.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Beyond the Binary: Embracing the “In-Between”

The conversation kicks off with a viral question: Do you like the “in-between” guys? Jai explores the beauty of the “butch queen” and the “queen-queen,” highlighting that attraction often transcends simple labels. From the effortless style of Jeremy Pope to the bold energy of Ronnie Wilson, we’re hashing through what the internet gets wrong about how we carry ourselves.

Rebellious Softness

Drawing inspiration from actress Jameela Jamil, the episode tackles a provocative idea: the most “macho” men are often the most submissive to societal structures, while those in touch with their feminine side are truly rebellious. Jai shares a personal reflection on his own “emotionally aware” journey and the strength found in embracing sensitivity without fearing it.

Stop Hijacking the Language

Finally, Jai addresses a major pet peeve: the appropriation of ballroom and queer culture. Words like “slay,” “work,” and “clock it” have deep roots and specific meanings—they aren’t just TikTok trends for others to use incorrectly. It’s time to respect the culture that Black gay men built.

Listen to the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast for a b******t-free step out of your comfort zone. Let’s celebrate how dope it is to be Black gay men who love Black gay men.

Follow Jai the Gentleman on IG @jaithegentleman for more.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

From the evolution of “twink to daddy” to the unwritten rules of sexual positions, this episode is a b******t-free look at the emotional ups and downs of our journey to happiness.

The Cost of the “Mask”

Jai reacts to a viral creator who claims the community only cares about you once you’re “successful or attractive”. We explore how presentation—our weight, our voice, and our “vibe”—dictates how we are received in the streets and in the sheets. Is your masculinity a natural expression, or is it just armor used to protect a fragile heart?

Top, Bottom, or Just Performing?

We’re breaking down the “YN” confusion. Jai keeps it 100 on the difference between being a top and simply “not bottoming”. If you have to put on a persona or lower your voice to feel dominant, is it a position or just a performance?

Cultivating “Ride or Die” Friendships

How do we build community without “f*****g first”?. Jai shares a powerful tribute to his best friend illustrating how vulnerability and “Netflix and no chill” are the true foundations of a support system that lasts 16+ years.

Choosing Black Love

Despite the failed attempts, we’re ending on a note of hope. We’re discussing why choosing a Black man—and choosing ourselves—remains the ultimate goal.

Listen to the full episode now on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

From “Protector” to Predator

Since 2022, Palmer built a following of over 240,000 by claiming to “expose” men on the down low. Positioning himself as a protector of Black women, he used stereotypes and body language analysis to label men as DL. However, guest Hope Giselle points out that this was often a “vehicle for bigotry” and “transmissia,” allowing people to express hatred toward trans women under the guise of protection.

Why This Matters for Black Queer Culture

The episode explores how Palmer exploited a “chasm” in Black culture. As Black masculinity evolves—embracing everything from “Black boy joy” to painted nails—there is a pushback from those clinging to toxic, old-school tropes. Palmer capitalized on this fear, but his actions led to multiple protective orders from prominent figures like T.S. Madison and Dominique Morgan.

How to Be a True Ally

Jai and Hope conclude with a powerful call to action for cisgender Black queer men. True allyship isn’t just a “vibe”—it’s a job.

* Decenter Curiosity: Stop asking about surgical status or birth names.

* Audit Your Content: Unfollow creators who build brands on “clocking” or doxing others.

* Use Your Privilege: Disrupt the patriarchal systems that harm our trans brothers and sisters.

As Hope eloquently put it, we are all on the same side. It’s time to stop pushing our sisters off the cliff and start turning around to face the real systems of oppression together.

Want more deep dives into Black queer stories? Subscribe to the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.

Who is Dominique Morgan?

Dominique is a Nebraska native now living in Atlanta who has transformed the landscape for Black trans people in the U.S.. Jai highlights her unique ability to blend philanthropy, activism, and trans visibility with a refreshing, unapologetic authenticity.

The Main Event: Trans Attraction and Labels

The episode tackles the “reality checks” Dominique brought to the table regarding straight men who are attracted to trans women. Jai poses a controversial question to the community: Where do we place these men in the culture?.

* Pansexual vs. Fluid: The chat weighed in on whether these men are “straight,” “pansexual” (hearts, not parts), or “sexually amorphous”.

* Chasers vs. Attraction: Dominique breaks down the difference between a “Tranny Chaser” and genuine attraction, noting that chasers often fetishize parts rather than seeing the whole woman.

Dating Apps & Safe Spaces

Jai sparks a necessary debate about digital spaces. If Grindr is for men seeking men, where is the dedicated space for trans women seeking men?. He emphasizes that while he respects trans women’s identities, as a gay man, his attraction remains focused on masculine-identified individuals.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Is “The Girls” Offensive?

The episode ends with a transparent moment of growth. A viewer challenged Jai on his use of the term “the girls” to describe his audience of Black gay men. While the live chat mostly embraced the term as “gay slang,” Jai committed to being more gender-inclusive to ensure all Black gay, bi, and curious men feel at home.

Want more? Catch the full replay for our “That Queen Can’t Climb My Back” celebrity game and more “Love Lessons”.

Outgrowing the “Gay Ghetto”

Many of us find ourselves stuck in what Charlie calls the “gay ghetto”—surrounded only by people who share our same traumas and woundedness. While finding community is vital, Charlie argues that true intellectual wellness comes from curating a circle that challenges you to grow.

Top signs you’ve outgrown a friendship include:

* Malicious Jealousy: When a friend moves from “I wish I had that” to actively trying to take what is yours.

* Stagnant Perspectives: When people from your past refuse to see your growth because they are stuck on who you used to be.

* Lack of Understanding: When your “Bessie” can’t grasp your new life perspective or peace.

The Power of Reparenting

One of the most moving segments of the episode explores the concept of reparenting yourself. Charlie challenges us to write a love letter to our younger selves—addressing the 8 or 10-year-old version of us that had to muster strength just to survive. By forgiving those who “did the best they could with what they had,” we release the anger that blocks our path to joy.

Live Your Truth with No Apologies

“Black Joy is the Resistance,” says Charlie. It is time to stop shrinking, stop “praying the gay away,” and start living selfishly for your own peace. Whether you are navigating your 20s or reclaiming your life in midlife, remember: God didn’t make junk.

Ready to start your healing journey?

* Watch the full episode on YouTube

* Grab your copy of No Apologies by Charlie Lewis Jr.

What happens when the “black don’t crack” lifestyle meets the messy reality of professional and personal relationships? In this week’s episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman breaks down the latest tea and offers grounded advice for navigating our unique journeys to happiness.

Professional Power Plays: The Justin Diego & Chasing Reality Drama

The episode kicks off with the piping hot tea involving Atlanta YouTuber Justin Diego of Bingeworthy. After signing on as a co-executive producer for the Chasing Atlanta reboot, Justin ultimately walked away, releasing a tell-all video titled “Chasing Atlanta Will Not Be Binge Worthy”.

Jai discusses the “difficult and trying” nature of working within our community. He explores how unhealed trauma—from being bullied or cast aside—can lead some to violate their integrity just to hold onto a sliver of power. The takeaway? Success requires more than a title; it requires being likable and maintaining professional character.

Love, Age Gaps, and Civic Duty

The conversation shifts to the personal, reviewing a viral story from Love Don’t Judge featuring Janelle (43) and Giles (24). With a 19-year age gap, the couple faces scrutiny from family and online trolls. Jai questions the mismatch in life experience, asking if a 24-year-old can truly receive everything a partner two decades their senior has to pour out.

Jai also tackles a viewer’s question about dating and civic engagement. With high stakes in 2026, he outlines how to handle a partner who doesn’t vote:

* Define non-negotiables: Is it a dealbreaker or a growth opportunity?

* Understand their “Why”: Are they disillusioned or just unaware?

* Share, don’t preach: Invite them into low-stakes community activities.

Ready for the real tea? Join our YouTube membership for the exclusive after-show where Jai shares a very personal story about his first time bottoming in 10 years.

We talk a lot about protecting your peace in dating or family, but what about when your global brand is at stake? Karamo Brown recently made waves by pulling a “Mo’Nique” and sitting out press for the final season of Queer Eye.

Karamo revealed he has felt mentally and emotionally abused on set for years, with his therapist advising him to stay home to avoid bullying by his own castmates. As the only Black face in an overwhelmingly white-adjacent space, Karamo’s stand highlights a trauma many of us know too well: the exhaustion of being the token Black gay guy.

The Julian Taylor Controversy: Life After Loss

The conversation shifted to the internet-famous Julian Taylor, formerly of a prominent throuple. Julian joined Lamont White on Shoot Your Shot Wednesday to discuss his journey back to dating after the tragic loss of his partner.

Julian opened up about:

* Healing through loss: How he’s mending his heart a year and a half later.

* The Throuple Dynamic: Navigating a “closed throuple” and why that relationship eventually fell apart.

* Accountability: His transparency about past mistakes, including cheating and the “shadow work” required to grow.

Find Your Softness

Jai concludes with a powerful reminder for those seeking love in 2026: look for softness over status. Degrees and followers won’t hold you at night—find a man who is healed enough to be vulnerable.

What’s your take? Could you thrive in a “closed throuple,” or is three a crowd for you?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

From Identity Erasure to “Robust Bottoms”

Before getting into the heavy stuff, Jai highlights a new favorite creator, Denzel Kanan, who has been dropping gems about sexual dynamics from a “bottom’s perspective”. Whether it’s discussing aftercare or what it really means when someone says “put me through the mattress,” Jai explores how our bedroom behavior reflects our cultural treatment of one another.

The Erasure of Girl Lala

The main event, however, is the devastating news surrounding Girl Lala, a prominent Black trans creator allegedly shot by her boyfriend. The real “fiasco” started after her death, as her father reportedly began using her massive platform to deadname and misgender her.

Key takeaways from the discussion:

* The Power of Tribe: Jai and T.S. Madison question where her “tribe” was during her abusive relationship.

* Legal Protection: In queer culture, our “unofficial” family units often lack the paperwork (wills, trusts, power of attorney) needed to advocate for us when we’re gone.

* The Mirror of Self-Respect: Jai poses a hard truth—the world reflects the respect we have for ourselves. If we don’t do the due diligence to respect our own identities legally and socially, we leave space for others to disrespect us.

Don’t Get Memorialized in a Lie

Don’t let your truth be squandered. Whether it’s updating your living documents or building a solid support system, protect your legacy.

Next Up: Join us Thursday at 9 p.m. Eastern as we talk to Nathan Hale Williams (producer of Dirty Laundry) about Black queer representation.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Power, Clout, and the “Apology Tango”

With over 6 million followers, Zoie is a massive figure in mainstream spaces, from Wild ‘N Out to global stages. But as a Black gay man, does he have a responsibility to the community that “held him up” before he crossed over?

The chat didn’t hold back. Many listeners expressed that:

* Forced accountability is problematic: True change should be proactive, not a reaction to public pressure once “the girls set your feet on fire”.

* The Power Dynamics: Followers are currency. Powerful creators can manipulate those with less clout who are just “down for the come-up”.

* Right is Right: Regardless of the year (2018) or the context, sexualizing minors is never a gray area.

Are There Real Consequences?

Jai questions if “Internet fame” is a shield. Even if Zoie loses half his followers, he still has more reach than most of his peers. Will he stay “booked and busy” while the community forgets in six months?

What’s Coming Up Next?

We aren’t stopping here. Make sure to tune in for our upcoming episodes:

* Wednesday: Discussing the passing of Girl Lala and the social media backlash surrounding her memorial.

* Thursday: A full-circle moment with producer Nathan Hale Williams (Dirty Laundry) and Marcus Wilson to discuss Black gay representation in media.

Want more b******t-free talk? Join the DBGM family on Substack to join the private chat and get exclusive dating advice that helped Jai find love.

Would you like me to draft a list of social media captions to help promote this blog post?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

🚨 The Reckoning: What the Doc Alleges

The four-part Netflix series, executive produced by Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and directed by Alexandria Stapleton, chronicles Diddy’s career from his start at Uptown Records through his recent legal troubles. Jai and the chat discuss the shocking allegations that Diddy was involved in:

* The murders of Tupac and Biggie.

* The death and tragedy that allegedly fueled his superstardom, including the nine lives lost at a celebrity basketball game he promoted.

* The alleged sexual violation of countless women and men.

💡 Big Visions vs. Bad Business

The conversation shifts from celebrity scandals to lessons for the community. Jai emphasizes the importance of integrity in Black gay business. Citing Diddy and others, he stresses that success must be built on honesty:

* Pay people well and on time. Black businesses often struggle with poor practices, leading to talent leaving for better opportunities.

* Maintain integrity and avoid blurred lines. Jai points out that issues of abuse of power can play out even in Black queer spaces.

* Have a Big Vision! While Diddy and others were “fucked up how they pursued that vision,” they fundamentally aimed for something monumental, a mindset Jai encourages the Black gay community to adopt in business and in love.

💬 Hookup Culture Hot Take

Jai also sparks a viral debate on gay hookup protocol, asking: Should you log onto the apps after you’re fully prepped, or risk a wasted shower and a missed connection?

Tune in for the full discussion on this monumental doc and what it teaches us about our culture, business practices, and relationships.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

The Comfort Conundrum

The show kicks off with a provocative question: Would you rather be the lone gay person in an all-Black hetero space (like a family Thanksgiving) or the lone Black face in an all-queer white space? The chat was split, leading to a crucial discussion about navigating predominantly straight Black environments versus predominately white queer ones. Jai shares how getting older gave him the confidence to stop shrinking and moving through life as a “one life gay” man—the same everywhere he goes.

Conversion and Kink: The Race Play Debacle

Jai then shifts to reacting to a reel featuring a white gay man who claims, “Jesus is all the man I need” and “No, I will not date a boy,” framing it as a modernized version of conversion ideology. He connects this to the problematic idea that Black people have historically been told they are “not good enough” unless they change.

The main story tackles the shocking case of “Big C,” a creator who built an OnlyFans empire on degrading Black and brown people through race play and racial slurs. Jai critiques insecure “doms” who confuse providing things with earning the right to lead, a flaw that leads to abuses of power, both in sexual scenes and real life.

Catch the full episode for more on these essential discussions, World AIDS Day observations, and a fun list of things the gays do that straights “just can’t handle”.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Jai and the chat audience explored the complexities of finding love and happiness, especially as Black gay men. Dondre, whom Jai affirms as attractive and having the best of intentions, often struggles to navigate the dating scene, even in a city like Houston, which Jai calls “the Atlanta of the other side of the South”. Dondre’s story, including paying for a man to fly out to see him and his complicated on-again, off-again relationship with an ex, sparked a lively conversation.

The community weighed in on the “three-strikes rule” for reaching out to someone you’re interested in, before calling it quits. Jai shared his own dating history, noting that sometimes the heart’s desire to be loved can “trump logic every single time”.

Ultimately, Jai concluded that while every “pool has piss in it” (meaning the dating pool does have problems ), if you acknowledge you’re standing in the “pissy part” and don’t move, then you are the problem. The path to healthier dating involves confronting your own unhealed trauma.

The underlying constant? We all just want to be loved.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

🛑 Why Jess Hilarious Can’t “Shut The F**k Up”

Jess Hilarious first sparked controversy with her “who’s looking out for black women?” debacle , and then doubled down with the scientifically inaccurate “only women can have babies” message on The Breakfast Club. This led to her getting fired from The Ms. Pat Show, a conversation that was later discussed by Ms. Pat and the show’s queer creator, Jordan E. Cooper, on The Breakfast Club.

Jai argues that Jess keeps putting her “foot in her mouth” because controversy is her “whole shtick,” even suggesting it’s the reason she keeps her job at The Breakfast Club.

🏳️‍🌈 The Real Power in the Room

A central theme of the episode is the immense, often unseen, power of Black queer people in the entertainment industry. Jai emphasizes a critical truth: “The gays run s**t”.

* If you offend all queer people with “dumb s**t,” you will get “booted”.

* There’s always a queer person in charge, be it the producer, writer, publicist, or executive producer.

* Jordan E. Cooper, the queer creator of The Ms. Pat Show and Ms. Pat Settles It, is a perfect example of this influence.

Jai’s message is clear: You “never win when you’re on the wrong side of queer culture”. The vast majority of Black queer culture is “aligned against Jess Hilarious” for her repeated offenses.

This episode, we’re reacting to a harsh critique of gay culture that claims the Black gay community has turned “liberation into a members-only club”. The critique highlights exclusion based on masculinity, fitness, skin tone, and designer labels.

Are We Really “Trash”?

I challenge the idea that our culture is “trash.” While acknowledging that fatphobia, femmephobia, transphobia, and homophobia are real and exist even among queer people , I assert that if all you see is trash, you’re choosing to stay in the “trash part of the pool”.

As Black gay men, we have the freedom to pick and choose the rules by which we govern ourselves. We are elite , we are culture, we are art, and we are magic. If we focus on the greatness, we will receive it back. You can always move to the “metaphorical suburbs of gay culture”.

Dating, Intentions, and the Atlanta Check-In

We also break down a dating segment from Hopeless Romantic Society, which features what I call the “most Atlanta date” ever —complete with questions about credit score, homeownership, and health insurance tier.

I discuss the importance of checking a man’s intention early in the relationship. Life speaks to you first in whispers, and we need to listen to those subtle signs, like a low integrity of word, instead of just waiting for huge red flags.

Ultimately, the gworls just want to be loved, but love is hard when you’re carrying unresolved issues. When you find a Black man to love you, and your puzzle pieces fit, you can’t beat that.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

🕊️ Remembering Michael Hurd: Yes King, Pastor, and Man

The community lost Michael Hurd, also known as Love and Light TV or Yes King, who passed away suddenly at 47. Michael was a prominent Black gay man, a father, and an entrepreneur who sparked conversations about spirituality and sexuality, having transitioned from a pastor/prophet to an adult content creator.

Reacting to Nico’s Aesthetics’ commentary, Jai addresses the disrespectful way many remembered Michael—by his viral catchphrases like “you digging in me”. Jai argues that while content creators must take responsibility for the brand they build (often highly sexualized), it does not excuse the public’s dehumanization of them in death. Michael Hurd was survived by his two people who he called husbands and his daughter, showing he was much more than his work.

🏳️‍⚧️ Passability and the Non-Binary Conundrum

The episode begins with a spicy reaction to podcaster Cherry thee Boom, who suggested that trans people who are “in transition” should feel uncomfortable using public facilities, implying a distinction between being in transition and a “trans woman”.

This launched a challenging conversation: How important is “passing” to us as external cisgender parties? While Jai acknowledges the importance of passability for safety reasons , he and the chat struggle to grasp the concept of non-binary identity, particularly when it feels like gendered behaviors are being ascribed to feelings (like dominance and submission).

Ultimately, Jai concludes that while he will acknowledge and respect everyone’s pronouns, for true connection, there needs to be a deeper level of understanding beyond mere acceptance.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

📱 Dating Apps: Good for What?

We often say the dating pool is trash, but Jai argues we really mean the “app dating pool is trash”. Why is it such a struggle? The app landscape is split into three main groups:

* People looking for genuine love.

* People only looking to hook up.

* The majority in the middle who are okay with either, leading to unclear or too many intentions that make the app experience feel terrible.

As one creator highlighted, the apps are filled with questionable profiles—faceless pics and people who claim, “Nah, this is my only picture”. Jai and the chat agreed that the apps are good for getting sex, or perhaps a barber and weed when you’re out of town, but love is a tougher catch.

🚪 White People in Black Queer Spaces: The Gatekeeping Debate

The second half of the show dives into the conversation from the Surface Level Podcast episode, “The Blue-Eyed Soul: Can white gay men truly belong in black queer spaces?”. Jai makes it clear that he’s “all for gatekeeping blackness and black spaces”, preferring to create spaces welcoming to specific people who “look and walk and talk” like him.

The challenge is the concept of “belonging.” As one listener put it, “White gays don’t have culture or cultural awareness,” and they often show “entitlement” in Black spaces. For Jai, a Black space loses its vibe when whiteness is present, creating pressure to “code switch” and censor conversations.

Ultimately, for many in the chat, the home, the studio, and the car are safe spaces where “whiteness is not welcome”.

Are you tired of the app trash? Let us know: Are the dating apps yay or nay?

Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the episode by sharing his own preference for “girly boys” and feminine men, playfully stating, “nothing is too feminine for me”. He admits to being “the drama” for feeling that gay men who are “masculine all the time” are “fighting against something”. He’s clear that he loves men who express in every version of manliness, especially those who have a “yes b***h” in them.

The conversation then heats up as Jai reacts to a creator who explains why he doesn’t date “girly boys”. This leads to an intense chat about:

* Masculinity and its Evolution: Jai argues that the definition of masculinity differs across generations.

* The “Masc for Masc” Debate: Discussion around whether liking masculinity assumes one is masculine, and the attraction of feminine men to “trade” or DL (Down Low) men.

* Stigma and Privilege: The argument of whether advocating for the masculine is necessary, given the social privilege associated with masculine presentation, versus the stigma and femme phobia experienced by feminine and trans men.

Callers and commenters share their perspectives, touching on the idea of masc shaming, the need to affirm all Black queer men, and the importance of supporting “strong friends” who present as masculine but may be struggling. Ultimately, the episode underscores the beauty and complexity of Black gay identity and expression, reminding us all that every story “makes mine valid”.

Tune in to hear the full, raw conversation! Don’t forget, a portion of your Super Chats and memberships goes to worthy causes helping black queer people.

Would you like me to find out more about any of the upcoming shows mentioned, such as the conversation about raw sex on November 19th?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Jai’s personal preference leans toward a “regular, degular man” , expressing his desire for authenticity and flaws—like morning breath and bed head. He champions the idea that the “sexiest part about gay men is how we blend all these things together,” embracing both masculinity and femininity.

The episode also tackles deeper topics like sexual identity and relationship dynamics. Jai argues that what you call your sexuality, such as “gay” or “pansexual,” is deeply personal and should be the language that “feels like home” to you.

In the “Church Announcements” segment, Jai shares his five biggest lies about dating:

* The Dating Pool Has Piss in It: You attract what you are or what you believe.

* Good Men Are Hard to Find: Check your friend circle.

* All I Need Is a Crib, a Car, and a Job: Basic is never enough—be valuable.

* I’m Easy to Date: Being an easy catch attracts low-effort men.

* Mr. Right Will Find Me: Intention is the difference between patient and lazy.

Jai later reflects on the challenge older Black gay men face: having extensive experience in hookup culture but lacking experience in emotional love and fidelity. He urges listeners to be as bold in expressing emotional desires as they are in expressing sexual ones.

Listen to the full episode of the “Dear Black Gay Men Podcast” for candid talk, community insights, and the drama.

The central conversation explored the concept of the “good boy”, and how subs prefer to be handled in black queer culture. Based on a poll of 20 self-professed “good boys,” the results were split:

* Bratty Subs: Seven men preferred a Dom who would “put them in their place” and actively dominate them.

* Willing Subs: Seven were naturally submissive and eager to earn the “good boy” title.

* Mixed Bag: Six varied, depending on their partner.

Jai, a self-identified soft dom, prefers a willing and eager sub, noting that for him, earning the “good boy” title extends far beyond sex and requires a relationship rapport. He emphasizes that a dom must provide a valuable reward, emotionally and physically, in return for “good boy” behavior.

The conversation then shifted to a viral story discussed by Nico’s Aesthetics, leading to a critical question: When does persistence cross the line into harassment?. The host and the chat discussed how intense, even obsessive, behavior (like showing up uninvited) is a toxic display of insecurity, often rooted in a deep, unmet desire to be seen, loved, and valued—a story sadly common among black gay men.

Catch the replay for the full kiki, and let us know—are you a bratty sub or a willing sub?

This is a must-read if you’re tired of the noise and ready to talk about the issues that actually impact Black gay lives.

“I’ve Had It With The Girls That Aren’t Voting”

We kicked off the episode with the political frustration we all feel, and I had to be honest: I’m absolutely fed up with the folks who are sitting out Election Day. As Dakari pointed out, a major issue in this country is a lack of basic civics knowledge.

* The Trump Distortion: The former president takes up so much space, distracting from the core issues that affect us all.

* The Long Game: Republicans are playing it, defunding schools and stacking courts, leading to catastrophic repercussions we don’t fully understand until it’s too late.

* The Buyer’s Remorse: Things are happening that were either actively or tacitly approved by those who voted for the former President or, worse, chose not to vote at all.

If you didn’t vote, you need to hear this. As Jai says, “We’ve got to help people understand the repercussions of their decisions”.

Driving While Black and Gay: The Catalyst for Change

Dakari Lariat’s commitment to public service comes from two decades of advocacy, but his Senate run received a fire-fueled motivator from a horrifying personal experience: his own false arrest in Michigan.

* The Incident: While driving, Lariat was stopped, subjected to sobriety tests in the cold, and ultimately gaslit throughout the night.

* The Homophobia: Troopers allegedly used homophobic slurs, stating his car and him “smelled fruity”.

* The Fallout: Despite testing negative for alcohol, he was jailed and accused of drug trafficking by way of ingestion, forcing him to use the restroom in front of booking officers.

* The Legislation: This experience inspired Lariat to draft the Motorist Bill of Rights to protect all citizens from the arbitrary discretion of law enforcement, especially while traveling.

Lariat believes the U.S. Senate is the best place to overturn things like expanded qualified immunity (which protects law enforcement from their behavior).

“We Belong in Every Room”: An Openly Queer Candidate in the Deep South

Running as a Black, gay Democrat in Alabama might seem like a political death wish, but Lariat is leaning into his identity and disrupting the political playbook.

* The Strategy: His team initially wanted to keep his identity “muted”16. Now, they’ve decided to lead with it, sending a “coming out text message” campaign that included his magazine covers. The result? They raised the most money they had ever raised in a single day.

* The Red State Myth: Lariat doesn’t believe Alabama is inherently “red”—he believes it is gerrymandered and suppressed18. His dream is for people to come out and vote based on their interests, not their party tradition.

* The Mission: Lariat affirms that when you fight for the marginalized, everybody wins. He is committed to fighting issues like the attempt to revoke a gay establishment’s licenses over a drag show, using both empathy and financial arguments (”You’re going to hurt your own economy”) to rally support.

Dakari Lariat is running on competence and a 20-year history of public service, proving that political leadership is just a room full of normal folks—and we absolutely belong at the table.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Action Steps & Next Time

We need more voices like Dakari Lariat. He’s working to make sure our community is represented in rooms where we’ve never had a seat (we’ve never had an openly gay man in the U.S. Senate, period).

* Learn More: Find more about Dakari Lariat’s platform and the Motorist Bill of Rights at his website, DakariLariat.com.

* Educate Yourself: Use resources like Ballotpedia and Vote.gov to know exactly who and what is on your ballot, from the top of the ticket to local ordinances.

* Get Out The Vote: November 4th is the big day, but early voting is happening now.

Don’t forget to wear your “I Voted” sticker.

Would you like the full list of Election Day essentials discussed on the show?

On a recent episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, we dove deep into a question that’s been bubbling: Why are so many eligible Black gay men opting for “chosen singleness” instead of cuffing up? The answers might surprise you, but they definitely hit home.

The Big Experiment: Crib, Car, and a Job

Host Jai The Gentleman interviewed 20 eligible Black single men, defining “eligible” as having a crib (paying rent/mortgage), a car (access to transportation), and a job (a reliable way to pay bills). More than half of these men chose to stay single, and their reasons were consistent.

Here’s why these bachelors are choosing the solo life:

* Men Play Too Many Games: A shocking 15 out of 20 men cited unhealed trauma from a previous relationship as their main reason for avoiding dating altogether. The hurt is real, and the defense mechanism is thick.

* Dating is Expensive... and Unequal: Ten of the men felt that Black gay men expect way more than they offer. One bachelor put it plainly: “Gay men expect steak dinners, but they order their steak well done” (meaning, they don’t appreciate the value).

* The Vulnerability Veto: Six of the men acknowledged that dating requires a level of emotional vulnerability that many men simply can’t handle. It’s tough to date when a guy “doesn’t go to therapy, they aren’t self-aware, or they’re not emotionally available”.

Toxic Love and the “B******t” Trap

The conversation then took a turn toward the painfully relatable: the allure of toxic relationships, reacting to a commentary about the tumultuous and documented breakup of a YouTube couple, Dondre and Chris. Jai mused that some of us are tragically addicted to toxicity. Being in a dramatic, on-again-off-again cycle can feel like a sign of investment or care, even when it’s clearly not.

The main takeaway? We gotta learn to trust our gut. If something feels off, it is off. You don’t need to play detective or wait for absolute proof to protect your peace.

Stepping Out of “Chosen Singleness”

So, how do we get out of this self-imposed single box? It all comes down to intention. Instead of passively waiting for a man to “stumble into your life” or leaving the “door open” for a connection without effort, true happiness requires work, vulnerability, and being your best, most authentic self before your man arrives.

If you want the full story on how Jai got out of the dating pool, comment “dating” below! And be sure to check out the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast.

What’s your take? Are you in your era of chosen singleness, or are you actively looking for love? Let us know in the comments!

Want more deep dives on Black queer life, love, and culture? Subscribe to the Substack for exclusive content!

Would you like me to find the link for Jai’s Substack blog for the full story?

Absolutely! Here is the link to the Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack, where you can find all the dating stories and deeper conversations:

* Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack

On the Substack, you can read more of Jai the Gentleman’s insights, including his personal dating blog, and topics on commitment, sex, and love in the Black queer community.

Would you like to explore any of the three reasons men are choosing to stay single in more detail?

In This Must-Listen Episode, We Tackle:

* The DL Whisperer & “Clocking Trade”: JAI reacts to the backlash against the now-banned “DL Whisperer” on TikTok, a figure who offered “tools” to expose Down Low men. The conversation shifts to the difficulty of “clocking trade” or DL men in 2025, where “everybody’s a little bit gay, or everybody looks a little bit gay”.

* The Root Cause of DL Culture: JAI argues that the Down Low phenomenon isn’t just about men being “greedy”; it exists because the culture these men would come out to is not safe. We explore the urgent question: Do queer people have a responsibility to help those still inside the closet?

* The Fragile Masculinity Debate: Hear JAI’s reaction to the viral story of “Donnie” and the straight man who respectfully ended a date upon learning Donnie was a man. JAI challenges the idea of labeling the man’s respectful withdrawal as “fragile masculinity,” arguing that he “demonstrated so much evolution” and showed “intentionality”. Is rejecting someone you’re not attracted to—even respectfully—now a sign of fragile masculinity?

* Attraction: Beyond the Vibe: We challenge the idea that attraction is “just energy”. JAI asserts that true, lasting attraction for a relationship is a mix of both “vibe” and “physical anatomy”.

* Trans People, Privilege, and Paving the Way: JAI shares powerful insights on the difference having trans people in your life can make, arguing that they often get “bad PR” that is unfairly directed at trans women. He reminds the community that our current freedoms are built “on the backs of trans women who do not have the privilege of being a man”.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Why Black Gay Men Need to Hear This:

This episode is your weekly dose of short, “b******t-free” therapy and truth. It’s a reminder of “how dope it is to be black gay men who love black gay men”, and a necessary conversation about the cultural dynamics—femme phobia, slut-shaming, and toxic expectations—that continue to make queer life harder than it needs to be.

Join the Conversation & Support the Show!

* Follow JAI The Gentleman on Instagram and Threads: @JAITheGentleman.

* Read JAI’s Dating Blog on Substack.

Don’t miss this essential episode for every Black queer man navigating love, identity, and the journey to happiness!

Are You Stuck in a Sad Boy Shell? Kid Fury and the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast Host Say Get Outside!

The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men podcast, hosted by Jai the Gentleman, is a must-listen for Black queer men navigating life, dating, and mental health. This week, Jai the Gentleman is reacting to the highly anticipated return of internet icon, Kid Fury, whose first upload in a decade, “One Quick Thought: Depression Cock Blocking,” is already shaking up the culture.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Kid Fury’s Return: Overcoming Depression and the Power of “Titty Meat”

A pioneer of internet celebrity, Kid Fury—best known as the co-host of The Read podcast—is back on his personal channel after ten years. His new video, discussing depression and “cock blocking,” resonated deeply with Jai the Gentleman, who identifies as a loner introvert that can become “vitamin D depleted”.

* The Cure for the Homebody: Kid Fury’s realization that “niggas be outside” and walking home from the gym led to an appreciation for “titty meat” on display.

* The “Hoe Phase” as Self-Care: Jai the Gentleman echoes this sentiment, suggesting that getting outside, seeing “art on display”, and even having a well-managed “hoe phase” (with clear boundaries and expectations) can be a crucial tool for shaking off depression and emotional fatigue.

* Mental Health is Real: The episode is a timely reminder that mental health is vital and resources like therapy and medication (if prescribed) work.

Toxic Masculinity and the Language of Love

The conversation takes an affirming turn as Jai the Gentleman passionately advocates for Black gay men to use affirming language like “beautiful” and “gorgeous” when describing each other.

* Calling a Thing a Thing: He argues that toxic masculinity makes men afraid to compliment each other, especially with certain words, but in homogenous queer spaces, being bold enough to call a beautiful man “beautiful” is essential to affirming and opening up the culture.

* The Catcall Test: Jai the Gentleman debates the experience of being catcalled, noting that it happens so infrequently to men that he finds it a compliment, particularly if it’s age-appropriate. He appreciates the confidence of a man who takes the leap in the real world, as opposed to “annoying” app messages like “WIDs” and “sups”.

Dating Deep Dive: Trust, Submission, and Saying “I Love You”

Jai the Gentleman also gives a candid update on his dating life, announcing that he’s dating someone and they are “happy and together”. This opens up two major discussions:

* When to Post Your Man Online: He poses the question to the chat: At what point do you tell people on the internet, “this my man?”. His biggest fear is sharing a relationship publicly and having to “crash out on some nigga in the comments” who says something disrespectful.

* The Love Barrier: Several members in the chat admitted they have never been told “I love you” by a man. Jai the Gentleman recounts a pivotal conversation with a friend that led him to be more liberal in saying “I love you” to people he cares about. He challenges the culture to be bold enough to express love out loud.

* Trust vs. “Trust but Verify”: Jai the Gentleman breaks down why “trust but verify” is actually a sign of no trust in a relationship. He argues that constantly verifying tasks tells a capable man that your way is better and leads to him shutting down to avoid interrogation. The solution: “Trust is trust”.

A New Dating Challenge and a Nostalgia Trip

Finally, Jai the Gentleman reacts to Sincerely Lutfy’s new dating experiment, “The Blind Dating Experience,” where men are blindfolded and eliminate each other based on communication and vibes, a format he finds more intentional than the previous “Pop the Balloon” challenge.

The first question from the date sparks a nostalgic debate: “Martin or Living Single, and why?”. Jai the Gentleman notes that the sitcoms were a cultural cornerstone and that discussing a favorite ‘90s sitcom could be a great first date question to add to your repertoire.

Want to join the conversation? Listen to the full episode of Dear Black Gay Men podcast to hear more hot topics, including a discussion on whether a man who bottoms can still be in a dominant role, and what your favorite ‘90s sitcom says about you.

➡️ Listen to the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast for more honest, authentic, and affirming conversations for and by Black queer men.

Keywords: Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman, Kid Fury, The Read, Sincerely Lutfy, Blind Dating Experience, Depression Cock Blocking, Black Gay Men, Black Queer Culture, Mental Health, Dating Advice, Relationships, Toxic Masculinity, Catcalling, Martin or Living Single.

In this episode, we tackle the big questions:

* Does “daddy” have a meaning outside of sex in Black gay culture?

* Does the term lose its meaning when we use it too often?

* Is it simply a top with a big dick, or does it come with a level of real-life responsibility?

JAI even shares an exclusive update about his new dating entanglement with someone he calls Ryan, who considers JAI his “daddy”. This dynamic sparks a deeper discussion: Can a daddy be femme? Is the term about masculinity, or is it a service role—a protector and provider who shows love through acts of service?

Plus, we get into:

* The argument that straight culture is co-opting the term “daddy” from queer BDSM and leather culture.

* What 20 bottoms agree on about what a “daddy” is not.

* A heated moment on dating app etiquette: Why you need to get to the point, fill out your profile, and stop asking questions that are already answered!

Tune in for a powerful, unfiltered discussion on love, kink, gender roles, and the evolving language of Black gay intimacy.

Listen now to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast and join the conversation!

#BlackGayMen #DaddyCulture #QueerDating #ServiceTop #BlackQueer #DBGM

In this video, you’ll learn:

* 🔑 The number one reason men don’t commit: they don’t know what they want, or can’t concretely say why.

* 🗣️ The three simple considerations men make when deciding to take dating to the next level: what I want, what you want, and the minimum requirements to get those things.

* ❓ Why a man is likely “stringing you along” if he’s unclear, oblivious, or neglecting one of the three considerations.

* 💬 How a lack of clear communication about desires can make men “fall back” to single life.

* 💯 Why men only move when they are

required to, and the three aspects of your requirements that must be met for a man to change his behavior.

* 🤔 A deeper discussion on high dating standards in Black gay culture and the true desire for love and solidarity beneath them.

Tune in as Jai the Gentleman shares the insights from these interviews, and we discuss the common commitment killers and how to master the dating process to find a fulfilling relationship.

Subscribe for more dope queer stories and authentic conversations for Black gay men who love Black gay men!

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Whether you’re dating someone new, in a long term relationship already, or just hooking up while you’re single, sex is an inevitable part of your life. We all want it and we all want ours to be the best.

My whole job on this channel is to help Black gay men remember how dope it is to be us and to love us. Sometimes that interaction purely sexual

So if I can help tops give a performance that’s worth a bottom changing a diet and douching their life away, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

Because the goal isn’t to just know WHAT bottoms say makes sex good, but to understand WHY THESE THINGS MAKE SEX GOOD.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

00:00:00 | Introduction: What Makes S*x Good?

00:01:28 | Myth #1: Does Dick Size Really Matter?

00:14:47 | Three Questions for Better S*x

00:19:42 | Myth #2: Shorter S*x is Better

00:30:13 | Top vs. Total Top: A Cultural Shift

00:40:23 | Myth #3: The Power of Praise Kinks

00:56:06 | Myth #4: Connection is Key (Even for Hookups)

01:08:29 | Get to Know J.A.Y. & The Studio

01:11:44 | Final Thoughts & The P*rn Debate

01:21:53 | Conclusion

The host recaps the four key findings from his interviews with bottoms:

* Husband dick is the perfect size

* Multiple quickies are preferred over long sessions

* If it's big, talk them through it

* S*x is better with emotional connection

The episode ends with a final thank you to the listeners and a look ahead to next week's show.

Let me state, unequivocally, that this episode or us reacting to this story is not intended to position any person in this story as a member of the LGBTQIA+ community.

But Demontre Reed was a Black man and to that end, he could have been me, or any of our listeners, or our brother, or our cousin, or our son. Regardless of his sexuality or ours, we, as Black men have a responsibility to this man’s life.

So Tonight, I’m opening the conversation up from beginning to end as we answer one critical question, “where do we go from here” tonight on Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, and the show starts right now.

We had a whole show tonight about dating.

I don’t run away from the fact we talk sex on this platform, but I’ve been attempting to intentionally broaden our conversations beyond the bedroom.

But I broke down today. I saw pictures of Tre Reed and got mad, then I got upset, then I got sad. So tonight, instead of keeping my feelings all bottled in, I want this to be a safe space for all of us to share whatever may be on our hearts.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Chapters

[00:00:01] Intro and the Death of Trey Reed

[00:01:36] A Black Man's Life Lost

[00:03:11] The Podcast's Purpose and History

[00:04:19] Are We Ready for a Revolution?

[00:06:04] Ads and Community Dialogue

[00:10:39] The Proximity of Violence

[00:15:37] The Desire for Retribution

[00:16:34] Coincidences and Past Trauma

[00:22:31] A List of the Fallen

[00:25:28] The Role of Queer Leaders

[00:31:51] Assimilation vs. Equity

[00:44:09] Building a Community

[00:56:39] Caller: Darren T

[01:03:59] Caller: Antoine

[01:18:47] Closing Comments and Future Plans

A good man will function well within your tolerable region without issue. And when he bumps up against your boundary, he’ll identify it, acknowledge, make good on the violation, and move on with a clearer understanding.

But all of that is built on being clear about boundaries and that clarity, for most of us, comes long before we start dating anyone in particular.

So tonight, we’re reacting to one tiktoker who breaks down boundaries, rules, and expectations in a way that we can apply to our dating lives.

I want to know are we the drama with our ambiguous boundaries, or if niggas are just disrespectful because they ain’t s**t no way.

Words like “boundaries” and “expectations” come up all throughout our dating life. A lot of the gworls think boundaries work and expectations just make room for disappointment.

While that can be true, neither of those work unless we’re clear on our boundaries are, how we communicate them, and how we enforce them with love and grace.

So tonight, Dr. Raquel Martin has got over a million-and-a-half views on TikTok, teaching us about boundaries. We’re reacting to this to see if there’s some Black gay wisdom we can take from the conversation.

Chapters

0:00:00 - The Road to Clear Boundaries

0:01:50 - Boundaries, Rules, & Expectations: A Dating Guide

0:02:53 - 4 Tips for Cuffing Season

0:05:36 - The Private Party: Celebrating Jai's 40th

0:08:22 - The Difference Between a Boundary, Rule, and a Standard

0:14:38 - The Legacy of Tevin Campbell

0:26:04 - Standards for Friends & The "Fence" Analogy

0:41:43 - Why Black Gay Men Struggle with Intimacy

0:52:49 - Disagreement vs. Argument: The Difference

1:04:45 - Self-Knowledge vs. Self-Awareness

1:13:04 - Listener Q&A: The Pain of Growth

The first time was because I was insecure. The second time was because he was impatient. The third time was because I never invested myself back into the relationship after the first two attempts.

It takes a lot to see the dating process through to it’s hopeful end. Self-awareness is probably at the top of the list.

So tonight, I’m asking the DBGM family to pull on our self-awareness. Each of us has to ask ourselves, “are we the drama?”

Is dating actually hard, or do we make it that way?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Chapters

Dating as a Queer Person (00:00:01)

The Problem with Dating (00:00:58)

Church Announcements: Single Season as a Superpower (00:02:43)

The Top Drought & Sexual Roles (00:10:20)

Masculinity, Femininity, and Nuance (00:15:13)

The Meaning of "Daddy" (00:46:14)

The Need for Better Language (01:13:11)

That’s why red flags have become so important. We’ve seen our parent’s red flags when we were little. We’ve overlooked obvious red flags in our 20s. We’ve talked to our friends about their boyfriends red flags in our 30s.

Everything in us is trying to avoid red flags and the headaches that come with them.

So tonight, I’m talking red flags with one of the most unproblematic signs under the sun. He’s the writer, producer and star of one of my favorite web series, Love & Us. He’s come by the podcast as they prepare for the long awaited season 2.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Chapters

* 00:00:00

* 00:11:01: The "Top 5" segment begins, where the hosts and their guest discuss "Top 5 red flags that good sex will make you overlook."

* 00:17:59: The hosts discuss a listener's question about HIV status as a red flag.

* 00:20:23: The host asks listeners to share their absolute deal-breaker red flags in the comments during the break.

* 00:21:36: The hosts review listener-submitted red flags from the comments.

* 00:23:42: The hosts and guest discuss whether a person being HIV positive is a red flag, particularly if they are not undetectable.

* 00:34:09: The guest discusses "red flags within ourselves," such as having tunnel vision about the type of person we want to date and missing out on other potential partners.

* 00:37:34: The guest talks about their past experience of dating "just a little toxic" men who made them "chase them for their attention and affection."

* 00:40:37: The host describes their own "Virgo red flag" of hyper-criticality, where they focus on fixing others' problems to avoid dealing with their own.

* 00:45:57: The host asks about red flags in friendships, noting what he perceives as a "friendship epidemic" in Black queer culture where friendships are superficial and lack vulnerability.

I told my best friend about him after 3 months. He’d met my siblings after 5. On the face, it looked like things were progressing.

The quiet truth is that he had dumped twice and I was too insecure to leave it alone when everyone around me told him he wasn’t the one.

What I know about myself and so many others is that we, Black gay men, want to be in love. We want our person, but so many of us eligible bachelors are still in the dating pool.

So tonight, I want us to really ask ourselves, is it me, or it it niggas that’s the problem?

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

* Introduction: Dating Criteria and Finding the Right Man (00:00:01)

* Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast (00:01:16)

* Church Announcements and Personal Updates (00:02:42)

* Wants vs. Needs in a Partner (00:04:53)

* Sex and Emotional Connection in Dating (00:16:08)

* Debate on the "Over-sexualization" of Black Men (00:20:23)

* Acknowledging Both Sexuality and Personhood (00:39:15)

* Conclusion: A Call for Broader Perspective (01:16:17)

The irony, though, is that most of the problems and successes we faced in relationships stemmed from everything aside from what happens in the bedroom.

Being verse, just like being top or bottom, can be limited to just dicks and asses, but I’ve found that for most of us, sexual position has some spill over into emotions, how we express our queerness, and how we’d like to be received by our partners.

So tonight, let’s assume for a quick moment that there are two kinds of versatile. There’s sexual versatility and emotional versatility.

I want to know if these two things exist. And if they both do, then how do we connect (1) connect with men that are the kind of vers that works with us, and (2) how do we steer clear of vers men that don’t.

Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Chapters

1. Introduction: Unpacking Versatility (00:00:01) The host, Jai The Gentleman, introduces the episode's topic: exploring versatility beyond just sexual positions.

2. The Four Types of Verse (00:05:09) Jai explains the four types of versatile men based on his experience.

3. Community and Criticism (00:08:14)

4. Assumptions and Follow-Up Questions (00:13:52) The host poses a question to the audience: What is the first thing that comes to mind when a person says they are "verse"?

5. "Total" vs. "Verse" (00:36:25) Jai explains his preference for dating versatile men over "total" tops or bottoms.

He finds that people who use the word "total" to describe their position often have insecurities and focus on reinforcing boundaries he already respects15He feels that these individuals bring their insecurities into the bedroom, making the sexual experience about "f*****g parts and not people"He also criticizes tops who refuse to engage in oral sex, calling them "useless"17

6. Sexual Baggage and Vulnerability (00:41:22) The host discusses the baggage and insecurities some gay men carry, especially those who identify as masculine or "trade."

7. Intentionality in Kink Spaces

(00:58:43) Jai and a commenter discuss the lack of intentionality some Black men bring to kink spaces. He explains that since many in the community are "unaware of kink behavior," they don't know how to follow the "rules and regulations" of spaces like dark rooms20He gives examples of people using their phones with flashlights or turning on lights in a dark room, violating the intended purpose of the space21Jai advocates for more intentionality in how Black men explore their sexuality, so they can create more safe spaces for exploration.

8. A Brooklyn Caller's Perspective (01:05:41) A caller named Donnie from Brooklyn, New York, joins the show.

9. A Verse Caller’s Perspective (01:10:06) Nicholas and Jai discuss the parallels between sexual versatility and emotional intelligence.

10. The Power of Versatile Men

(01:14:42) Jai concludes the show by stating that he believes men who practice versatility are more emotionally aware and can teach the broader community how to balance masculine and feminine energy. He says that many Black men have a hard time being vulnerable and allowing themselves to be cared for, which is a skill that versatile men can help master. He believes that versatile men are meant to help the gay community evolve into a "better group of people".

I like to do all the traditionally masculine things, but I also am fully a butch queen. I haven’t been fucked in years and don’t have a whole lot of interest in being fucked, but I would for the right person as long as they know how to handle my delicate flower.

Fun Fact: someone once called it a slut with my dick but a prude with my hole.

1. The Top Drought (00:00:00)

2. Church Announcements: The Blog and a Hookup Story (00:01:52)

3. Understanding Bottom’s Non-Verbal Cues (00:08:52)

4. Critiquing Queer Culture and Fetishization (00:41:52)

5. The Fetishization of Masculinity (00:22:52)

6. The Evolution of Queer Identities (00:55:14)

7. The Dangers of Narrow Definitions (00:30:02)

8. The Four Kinds of Vers (01:16:19)

9. Patriarchy in Queer Relationships (01:05:06)

10. The Value of Sex and Self-Awareness (01:19:05)

I call that being a nudist, but sometimes terms like kink, or nudist, or voyeur don’t resonate with Black men. But can they? Or should they?

So tonight, I’m joined by the promoter behind the biggest wave of nudist club nights for cis men by a Black promoter. I’ve attended his events and found a whole new acceptance of who I am and the body I live in.

Connect with MrSinsored: http://www.x.com/MrSinsored

* Introduction: Nudism and Kink (0:00:01)

* Events and House Party (0:02:58)

* Nudism and Insecurities (0:05:45)

* Reveal's Atmosphere (0:07:36)

* What Have You Had It With (0:11:29)

* Host's Perspective on Community and Kink (0:28:06)

* Nudism as a Kink and Language (0:31:59)

* Show Conclusion and Final Thoughts (0:51:17)

So tonight I’m joined by A’Jay Love. He’s a trans masc creator who gained prominence when he was highlighted on Truly’s “My Extraordinary Family” where he shared his parenting journey as a man of trans experience.

00:00:01 - Introduction

00:00:29 - On Being a Man and a Trans Man

00:48:19 - Dating and Relationships

01:06:46 - Navigating Cisgender Spaces

01:03:00 - Audience Q&A

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* 00:00:00 - Introduction: Three Rules for Finding a Man

* 00:01:11 - Applying the Lessons & Welcome

* 00:02:02 - Personal Update: Dealing with a Breakup

* 00:04:50 - The Danger of Denying Emotions After a Breakup

* 00:09:25 - Finding a Good Man: Setting Intention

* 00:11:02 - Different Love Stories & Knowing What You Want

* 00:12:30 - Overcoming Baggage and Seeing with Clear Eyes

* 00:14:11 - Keep Trying & Outro

Chapters

0:00:00 - Introduction to the guest, Dr. Daniel Driffin

0:01:51 - Discussion on the CRIBB program

0:11:09 - NAESM as family, friends, and a brave space

0:12:01 - The need for affirmation within the Black queer culture

0:22:52 - The significance of the changing language and the future of black queer culture

0:26:06 - Personal significance of becoming Dr. Daniel Driffin

0:28:58 - The importance of looking forward and inspiring others

Jai The Gentleman presents The Conversation is produced by VERS Communications and is part of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast network.

The show is executive produced by Jai Makokha and Royce Pearson is our producer.

Special thanks to NAESM Inc for sponsoring this episode.  To volunteer or if you need health related services in Atlanta, visit NAESM.org.

Chapters:

Three Basic Agreements in a Healthy Relationship (00:00:00)

Agreement with Self: Integrity (00:00:16)

Agreement with Relationship: Commitment (00:00:59)

Agreement with Other Person: Transparency (00:01:19)

Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast (00:02:05)

A Story of Integrity and a Missed Party (00:02:34)

Defining Integrity in an Open Relationship (00:05:31)

The "Clear Conscience" Rule for Sex (00:06:14)

Learning from Past Sexual Experiences and STDs (00:11:13)

The Importance of "Why Am I Here?" (00:12:03)

Integrity: Who Are You When Nobody's Looking? (00:14:57)

Datability and Underneath the Facade (00:17:26)

How "coming out" goes way further than just telling people you're gay. It's an everyday process that starts with yourself.

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Chapters

Introduction: Defining "Coming Out" (00:00:00)

Introduction & Announcements (00:02:03)

Coming Out to Your Penis: A Personal Journey into Chastity (00:04:18)

The Power of Exploring Beyond Expectations (00:08:50)

Conclusion: Beyond the Surface (00:13:24)

Outro (00:15:26)

00:00 Introduction to Black Gay Culture and Relationships

01:04 Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men Podcast 0

1:47 Personal Dating Experiences and Vulnerability

03:11 Church Announcements and Upcoming Events

05:15 Lessons Learned from Past Relationships

07:43 The Importance of Trust in Relationships

10:02 Navigating Opinions and Cultural Scrutiny

11:34 Commitment and Conflict Resolution

13:53 Final Thoughts and Outro

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Chapters

00:00 The Importance of Sex in Relationships

00:57 Introduction to the Podcast

01:56 Church Announcements

04:21 Signs of a Healthy Relationship

08:35 The Complexity of Relationships

13:24 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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Read "I Made 6 Guys Cum At The Park" https://bit.ly/4jFmRx3

--

Chapters

00:00 Introduction to Single Life Levels

00:09 Coincidentally Single

00:39 Intentionally Single

00:56 Temporarily Single

01:28 Podcast Introduction

02:09 Church Announcements

05:12 Breakup Reflections

07:53 Lessons from Joe

15:31 Embracing Single Life

19:12 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

--

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http://www.dearblackgaymen.com

01:31 New Features: Substack and Live Shows

04:10 Church Announcements: Updates and Membership

04:42 Personal Story: Lessons from a Breakup

07:51 Dating Insights: Commitment and Communication

17:44 Final Thoughts: The Importance of Perseverance

23:53 Closing Remarks: Stay Connected

My eyes opened and my heart sank.

I was expecting a “Good Morning Jarrett”. The same text I’d received everyday for the past 3 months. But today there was no good morning greeting, no salutation from the guy I loved. Nothing.

Yesterday I was in love and today I’m alone.

Saturday he dumped me. I thought we were getting closer and finding our way. Little did I know that the next fork in the road would be where he felt it best to carry on alone. We’d discussed my work and his, our goals and dreams, the life I’d hope we’d build together. The whole process was crazy good until it wasn’t.

If I learned nothing else from a break-up it’s the depth of pain after it’s over is the same as the depth of love while it’s happening.

To that end, I really loved that man. He went from the guy in church that I had to muster to courage to ask his name, to the guy in my phone that lit my face up every time he called, to the guy that shattered my heart. But grief, as Vision would say, is love persevering, right?

How to Date a Fire Sign

Kevin was a Leo.

I know how fire signs, especially Leo, can be. The biggest challenge is getting fire signs to see another perspective. Because two hard-headed, stubborn perspectives does not a happy home make.

For the next two weeks, I fawned over the blogs. “Virgo Leo couples”, “Loving Fire Signs”, “Being a Good Mate to a Fire Sign”. It was a laundry list of if-you-change-this-and-they-change-that then it will work, but hoping for change is no way to approach a new relationship.

What I knew for sure, though, was that a fire sign will try their damndest. That’s what I admired most about Kevin—he’d put forth a full effort as long as it made sense.

I thought it was so sexy. Having a man that tried. I banked on it. He’s trying so, “Jai, get your sh*t together” I’d think.

Then I had a very candid conversation with my best friend.

Maquan is Virgo like me and one of the only people I known for absolute certainty that will tell me the truth, whether I like it or not. We’d made a best friend pact long time ago when dating didn’t look up for either of us. We don’t discuss any individual in our dating life until after 6 dates or 6 months, whichever comes first.

Kevin and I had just completed date six and Maquan finally listened to me fawn over Kevin. I told him about the effort, wearing it like a badge of honor, when he had the most peculiar response.

“What does it mean that we’re impressed by a man who tries?”

Loving Me Into Pain and Back

Kevin and I are no more.

I’m just now at the point where the reality of a lost future is okay. All the dreams and aspirations I had wrapped up in my future life with Kevin are wiped clean.

Funny thing is I had this dream of walking the red carpet with him. Looking offstage at some awards show as he proudly watch me give some acceptance speech I had memorized so good that it could sound impromptu.

What happened happened and could not have happened any other way. Now I have to ask myself why?

Why did Kevin and I part? Where did I misstep if at all? What was this experience put in my way to teach me about myself?

What I’m uncovering in real time is I needed a reminder of the depth to which I can love. Doing Dear Black Gay Men Podcast every week can be daunting, but so fulfilling. I get to hear from all across the country and globe stories about how Black gay men are changed because of our content.

I’ve taken to heart that our platform changes lives. Each new subscriber is a new opportunity for us to entertain and engage and, hopefully, inspire. Early on, I’d ask new subscribers what brought them to the channel and what they hoped to get from our content. My dating life had become an experiment on what not to do, so I could tell the story through video and save someone else some heartache.

But after Kevin, I know that my dating life is real and my heart still works.

Kevin was put in my life, in his very fire sign manner of being, to drudge up the messy bits that I overlooked, the hard bits that I avoided, and the emotional bits that I tucked away in “service” of community.

Yes. I would have loved Kevin and I to have found longevity with each other. But what Kevin has actually done is showed me that love is still possible, even if he isn’t around to receive it.

Thank you, Kevin.

For a while I thought I wasn’t what Black guys desired, but really, it was a deeper key that I was missing: intention…both mine and theirs.

Dating is a combination of time and effort. Some of us have a lot of time to date, but don’t focus our effort in a way that moves us down our journey to happiness. Others have effort, but no time. Some have neither.

The sweet spot is when you AND HE have both

Relationships are born with you and the guy you’re trying to get to know have (1) the time necessary to fulfill the physical and emotional needs of a new dating situation and (2) the desire to put forth the effort to get close.

When you have both but swipe right on someone who doesn’t, what happens can only lead to disappointment and rejection. This episode, hopefully, helps us all identify how much time and effort we have individually and for the guy we have eyes for.

Dear Black Gay Men Podcast is new every Thursday. We’re finally out of YouTube jail and I can’t be more excited. We stream our live show Thursday, at 8pm Eastern. Subscribe on YouTube or join our YouTube channel to support what we do at Dear Black Gay Men.

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I thought this was enough for quality time: you’re here; I’m here. We’re spending time so it has to be quality. Then I met Brandon.

He checked all the boxes of the non-negotiables that Lamont talked about on his appearance on Dear Black Gay Men Podcast. But every time we spent time together, I felt more alone with Brandon than I did without him.

Quality is relative

Our love languages are not one-size fits all. Each of us has a reason why that particular love language resonates with us. I talk about my quality time qualifications in this episode of the podcast, but we all have to discover why we like what we like.

What makes time quality?

Why does physical touch light you up?

What kinds of words are affirmative for you?

We each have to dive a little deeper into what we like to find why we like it (1) so we can better assess who speaks our love language fluently, and (2) to teach a good man how to better connect with us when we find him.

Dear Black Gay Men Podcast is new every Thursday. We may be in YouTube jail, but we’re live on Twitter (cuz I refuse to call it X), Facebook, and Instagram. We stream our live show Thursday, at 8pm Eastern. Subscribe on YouTube or join our YouTube channel to support what we do at Dear Black Gay Men.

By joining, you’ll get

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We’d rather make the dating process so hard. It boils down to ego keeping us from what we actually want.

Desire says, “I want a man.” But ego says “I’m independent.”

Desire says, “I’m ready to date”. But ego says “Say less.”

Ego is that thing lingering in the back of our mind that protects who we are from the outside and we think it keeps us safe. Ego is that piece of our personality makes us hyper-independent and needing nothing from anybody.

But the hard thing about not needing anything from anybody is that you never have anybody to need anything from.

Join the BBC: Banned Book Club on Instagram @DearBlackGayMen

Every couple that I’ve interviewed on Dear Black Gay Men Podcast tells me, in no uncertain terms, that they need something from their partner. Whether it’s small stuff like cooking or cleaning, or big things like support after a traumatic event, partnership is about needing. Not from an insufficient place, but after building a life that is so big that it takes two (or more) giving full effort to hold up.

But we don’t go from hyper-independent to dateable overnight. The process in the middle is what I call “learning to lean”--it’s quite literally how we manifest the relationship that will fulfill us.

The second you make the jump is the second you step out of fear and step into the best time of your Black gay life.

Dear Black Gay Men Podcast is new this season with a whole list of guests that I’m excited to talk to in The Backroom. Our live show continues Thursday, February 6, at 8pm Eastern. Subscribe on YouTube or join our YouTube channel to support what we do at Dear Black Gay Men.

By joining, you’ll get

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It’s not the dating. It’s me. Underneath all the fluff, and heartache, and trauma all of us have endured, we all want the same thing: to be desired, to be wanted, and to be loved. Dating is the pathway each of us has to walk to fulfill that desire—the process of figuring out who we are and sharing it with someone special.

New uploads EVERY DAY

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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Not that I’m old or anything, but there was a time when you saw someone at the club or out in gay spaces, walked over to him, asked his number. Probably jotted it on a napkin, and you pursued happiness. Now, as this experience would have it, men get to see you, build a narrative around who you are and how you carry yourself, then react to, ghost, or deny that guy.

Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men on Substack. It’s still our short, b******t-free step out of our comfort zone to talk about all the emotional ups and downs along our journey to happiness. Join us and let’s get there together!

If you’ve been rejected, congratulations, you wanted something and it didn’t happen. But you’re still here. Guess you’re a lot stronger than you thought.

He told me I’m not masc enough

I really thought I was over this particular rejection. He was bold enough to tell me, in no uncertain terms, that I just wasn’t his type. That level of clarity comes only two real options, (1) heed what he said and move on, or (2) commiserate. I opted for the latter option until I saw his new boo.

Years later, he strolls into a local gay/affirming spot that we both frequent and his man is less butch and more queen of a butch queen than I am—or at least that’s what my ego let me believe.

Lessons come to show us ourselves

It’s easy to say we’re healed from something when that trigger never shows its ugly head. There is a totally different emotional muscle system at play when the trigger waves from across the room, navigates through a crowded club so it can hug you and ask you how you’ve been.

If I say Black love is beautiful; if I believe that being Black gay men and loving Black gay men is dope, then why can’t I get over this. Why can’t I heal? Why can’t I honor their relationship just as I would want them to appreciate and affirm mine—should one arise.

That’s when I got the lesson.

Dear Black Gay Men Podcast is new this season with a whole list of guests that I’m excited to talk to in The Backroom. Our live show returns Thursday, January 30, at 8pm Eastern. Subscribe on YouTube or join our YouTube channel to support what we do at Dear Black Gay Men

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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Condoms: Explained on Dear Black Gay Men LIVE

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Tune in to the live show every Thursday at 8pm Eastern on YouTube

Now, nearly 20 years later, I can watch Noah's Arc with a different set of dating eyes. I can see where they went wrong, what dating lessons should I have left on TV, and which ones can I learn from this fictitious love story and apply to my very real dating life.

Join this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCATtcqkKs0IdiFN5-Ye4drw/join

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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But so many of our listeners/viewers are still up-in-the-air about what gaslighting is and how to spot it. So this video is dedicated to uncovering gaslighting and how we do it EVERY DAY in life, in friendships, and in dating.

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🎶 Theme music by The Passion HIFI

Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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After I 💦 and I could think clearly, I looked at Ali, what he says, how he moves through life to attract so many men and there was one BIG lesson in there. This is how we can take a 💦 dump's secret weapon and use it in our dating lives.

“Single is Your Super Power” by Case Kenny: https://amzn.to/3DkqlSs

HIV/AIDS discussion: https://youtube.com/live/MI_boZ_nwsA

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Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men on YouTube.

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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 @OpenRelationshipPodcast  is one of our faves here on the channel. The hosts give different perspectives on gay dating, Black LGBTQ social issues and everything A to Z about Black gay culture. But this particular story rubbed me the wrong way and I think Rodney may have it wrong.

I am not trans, nor am I a parent, so most may take my perspectives with a grain of salt, but Neyo story has us questioning everything about communication, parenting, and what we would do if our future child comes to us questioning their gender identity. #queer #neyo #transphobia

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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This episode is dedicated to righting a wrong that has Black gay culture in a chokehold. Hopefully this week’s doneness reminder will leave you feeling a little more courageous as you go through the emotional ups and downs along your journey to happiness.

GET YOUR TICKETS TO THE LIVE SHOW: http://www.dearblackgaymen.com/events/dc

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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This episode is dedicated to helping each of us single people grow a level of self-awareness that helps us date better, find better men, and connect with guys more deeply. I’m using one example that we’ve all seen on the dating apps or in real life, but this one problem in Black gay culture may be able to shed some light on a bigger lesson we can all apply to our dating lives as Black gay men. #datingadvice #relationships #singlelife

Special Announcement coming tomorrow: https://youtube.com/live/Y9yLzIEjxaw?feature=share

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Special thanks to  @oretteayton5262  and  @phynekat  for the comments and encouragement

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Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men on YouTube.

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Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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This episode of the podcast is here to show us that it's a little of column A, a little of column B. A whole lot of luck and the right kind of work. What kind of work should we be putting into our dating situations? And how to ensure that work pays off?

Special thanks to @infiniteimani3534 for the inspo, and comments from  @YzBG  and http://www.instagram.com/alexanderlove_love

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Now that I've worked through my ish (I am a single guru after all - https://youtu.be/sY4ubstbX-c) and I've dealt with my issues (as best I can), I'm sharing some of the lessons I've learned on why we cheat and how to avoid the pitfalls that lead us to cheat in the first place.

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🎶 Theme music by The Passion HIFI

Our purpose is to be the voice of our culture: talking to Black gay men, about Black gay men and for Black gay men in ways that thinks us forward.

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I really don’t think Black gay men are singling right. When it comes to dating, there is some intention we have to put behind who we allow into our lives. This post is a must see for any Black gay guy who is looking to get back into the dating pool. What should you be looking out for and how can we navigate dating better?

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Knowing what we want in a relationship sounds good on its face, but some of us have taken "knowing" to an unhealthy extent. This week's episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast is focused on a date I went on with "Victor" and some of the pitfalls that come with being a single man over 30 trying to date in these streets. I learned a valuable lesson that comes up when we think about compromise in dating. #dating #relationshipadvice #singlelife

Cast of Love & Us Playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLsyEUF8oSDh16JK_AlExsRuNLa44mq2Tu

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Welcome to Dear Black Gay Men on YouTube.

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Full episode with  @thegaydatingcoach  : https://youtu.be/7GOut-EOnIo

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The best part about talking to so many gay guys about dating is that I can start to see the patterns. Every time the conversation of prominent interracial couples comes up, I see a patter. I could be biased, but there is an equation that makes interracial dating work for some people.

Watch the full episodes:

Kinks: https://www.youtube.com/live/24-eHAipiBo?feature=share

Body Image: https://youtu.be/3hUbRDbrC74

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I'm looking back on how far we've come on Dear Black Gay Men Live. I haven't been the most dedicated to much in my career, but conversations about dating, s*x, gay culture, and single life thrill me so much that they outweigh all the mundane tasks. So this look back is one part unpacking aha moments, and one part taking pride in the conversations we've had. Thanks for rocking with me. --JTG

#sexadvice #blackgaymen #gayandproud

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This episode is particularly significant for me because it marks our 50th episode of the podcast. As you can tell, I record these days--sometimes, weeks--in advance. But my gratitude to you all for rocking with me and my crazy thoughts gets deeper each week. --JTG

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Full disclosure, though, I am rarely asked out on a first date. So as I was thinking about what I hope he's going to do, I realized there is a fool proof equation to making a first date memorable.

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Then, I had a conversation with a friend of mine who we'll call "Oscar". He said something--responded to something I mentioned in a previous episode--and that conversation made think.

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Oddly enough, I think the "talking to" phase is critical to dating. This episode is my argument why.

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Back again with some #firstdatechronicles. He and I went out a couple weeks ago, but instead of feeling left behind and jilted, I'm still in my feels because Brandon is a different kind of man. And in being so, inspiring me to be a different kind of man. Take a listen to see what I mean.

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I had an ex, Terry, who taught me the most valuable lesson of all: cheating has nothing to do with sex. This is the story.

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Dating "John": https://youtu.be/KKTZk5GmJvQ

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Case Kenny’s book: https://amzn.to/3L8A5CA

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Purchase Ethical Slut on Amazon:

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But then I also talk about why bottoms are the cornerstone of our culture.

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ha-ya-bo-ho-ko-shah...

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Growth

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