Back in February, my family and I went on an adventure trip to Arizona. My mom and I have this crazy idea that at some point in the next few years, we’ll drop everything, drive around the US, and give my kiddos the road trip of a lifetime. Lucas turned 8 at the beginning of February, and he really loves vans and trains. So we figured, why not combine them into one belated birthday trip? It also seemed like a good way to test out how we’d all coexist in a 22-foot van together. Turns out… we love it!

Day 1: Fly from EWR —> PHX

Dinner with a view, evening swim & crash after our travel day.

Day 2: Tempe —> Flagstaff —> Williams

Wake up, swim, pick up the van (named Florence), eat some lunch & hit the road!

The best part of the day was our experience at the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff. It was a combination of science and fun and incredible stargazing. Flagstaff has ‘dark sky laws’ which limit light pollution and make viewing the night sky an amazing experience. We got to look through a few different telescopes to peek at Sirius, Betelgeuse, Venus, Jupiter and Mars! Jupiter was my personal favorite, but I was also blown away by the Clark Refractor in the Clark Dome. A massive and impressive telescope built in 1895 atop what’s now called Mars Hill.

We ended our visit there with a star talk in cozy heated seats at the outdoor planetarium. Well worth the visit, and luckily it was only a short drive from Flagstaff to the RV park in Williams for the night.

Day 3: Grand Canyon Railway

We took a leisurely ride in the dome car on the Grand Canyon Railway from Williams, AZ into the National Park. I’ll forever remember the audible “Woahhhh” that the boys let out when we first walked up to the edge.

We spent a few hours exploring and walked a little ways down the Bright Angel trail. And of course, experienced a little drama with a fake railway robbery on the train back to Williams.

Day 4: Williams —> back to Grand Canyon

We stayed another night in Williams and headed back to GCNP the next morning. We explored a bit further and watched an incredible sunset before heading to another star talk hosted by a park ranger.

We had a campground reserved inside the park, which meant only a short drive to get cozy and enjoy some more insane night sky views. I didn’t bring a tripod with me, but I managed to get this photo, where you can see the Milky Way spread across the sky, by laying my camera on the hood of the van. Pretty freakin’ great, but it still pales in comparison to taking it all in in person.

Day 5: Grand Canyon —> Sedona

Next day we enjoyed the east side of the National Park, driving along Desert View Drive & climbing the Watchtower.

We said bye to the Grand and headed to Sedona.

Day 6: Jeep Tour!

Only a little bumpy (I think I was expecting a bit more thrill) but a cool way to get some height and a great view without a big hike.

Day 7: Sedona —> Camp Verde

Slowly making our way back towards Tempe for the van return. A quiet, relaxing night at an RV park.

Day 8: Camp Verde —> Tempe —> Scottsdale

We said goodbye to Florence (the van), and picked up the rental car. Made our way to Scottsdale to spend the weekend.

Day 9: Taliesin West & Botanical Gardens

Mary kindly let me tour Frank Lloyd Wright’s winter home, Taliesin West and the surrounding grounds without the boys. And later that day, we all went to the botanical gardens together. The broccoli cactus and geometric light sculptures were by far my favorite parts.

Day 10: PHX —> EWR

Back home and ready to sleep in our own beds again.

In a surprising turn of events…

Shortly after we got home, BoHo vans, the company we rented from, posted about a build available for resale. We are now the proud owners of our very own camper van.

Currently taking name suggestions and we’ll post more of our adventures soon.

Until next time…

January

I actually started off the year with a touch of heartbreak, but as always I found solace in nature and was reminded that I have the best friends a gal could ever ask for.

Towards the end of the month, the boys, my mom, and I went to NYC, where Gabe and Lucas saw their first Broadway production. The Lion King never disappoints.

February

Lucas turned 7, and we hung out with our friends at the beach. Gabe always goes in the ocean, no matter how cold it is. And he got his ears pierced! We got our butts back to the roller rink and got a little better at skating.

March

March was my final month working at Princeton. Before I left, the boys got a very cool tour of the Imaging Analysis Center (where they house all the massive and specialized microscopes) before my last day. I hope someday they appreciate how special it was to have the tour hosted by Nan Yao, the very scientist who founded and runs the IAC.

April

April brought the Buckingham Elementary School art show. I’m continuously impressed by what these kids make both in art class and here at home.

I also traveled to New Orleans to celebrate a friend’s wedding. It’s still one of my absolute favorite places on earth, and traveling solo was good for my soul.

Gabriel dressed up as Wayne Gretzky after learning all about him for the school’s wax museum.

April also brought us to Florida, where we went to LEGOLAND and Universal. (I got sick, but the boys had a blast!)

May

We made it back to the beach, and Lucas got to hang with (and hold!) his favorite little friend, baby Claire. As always, we enjoyed plenty of ice cream, and I found some time for some motorcycle miles. I wrapped up spring semester of school, and decided to take two courses and TA over the summer. This set me up to be able to finish school in the fall.

We also picked up the boat for the season, and Lucas got a new bike!

Oh, and we had two massive snapping turtles visit our backyard. Xena was not pleased, but we thought it was pretty cool.

June

In June, Gabe wrapped up his ice skating lessons, I got to see one of my favorite comedians film her Netflix special (it comes out in a few days), and I went to the annual moto campout, Babes Ride Out.

The boys finished school, and we headed to the beach to post up there for the majority of the summer. We had lots of visitors and did our first escape room. We read loads of books, and the boys did some crabbing out back. They were quite successful, though I would have preferred not to mess with so much raw chicken bait.

July

To celebrate the 4th, we watched the fireworks from the bay out on the boat, and it was beautiful. The boys helped me with a school video project and we went in the ocean as many days as possible. We had lots more visitors (Lucas got to hold baby Claire some more), spent way too much money at Playa Bowls, and the boys got really good at kayaking.

August

We went for a ride on the John J. Harvey, a very cool vintage fireboat. We went to Vermont for a gorgeous wedding celebration and traveled to Mexico. Our highlight there was the cenote where the boys did some cliff jumping and had their feet nibbled by tiny fish. We were also visited by a massive sea turtle on the hunt for a good place to lay her eggs. It was a magical trip. And I guess turtles are kind of a common theme this year?

AND once we returned home, Gabriel turned 9.

September

The boys headed back to school, Gabriel in 4th grade and Lucas in 2nd. Gabe and I had an awesome day at the Museum of Illusions. We also went to the RV Show, where we found some awesome campers, and Hershey Park, where we enjoyed a spooky night of roller coasters.

We made a quick trip to Baltimore and got to hang with friends, visit the aquarium, and check out an awesome train museum for Lucas.

I started a new job!

October

We enjoyed our classic fall activities with a corn maze, carving pumpkins, and picking out fun Halloween costumes. We also rode in the Philly Bike Ride and caught a glimpse of the Northern Lights!

November

We did a little hiking and our first geocaching adventure. We had a lovely Thanksgiving and started the Christmas celebrations early with a ride on the Polar Express.

December

I busted my butt to wrap up my Capstone Project and everything else to finish my grad school coursework. (I should have my diploma soon, and I’ll walk in May.) I had some NYC travel for work, and I got to see a few shows.

Christmas was nice and mostly mellow. The boys each got a *massive* LEGO set they were very excited about. Lucas got the Titanic, and Gabriel a Gringot’s Bank with a dragon on top.

We’ve been enjoying quiet time to rest, relax, and recover from such a busy and awesome year. I’m excited for everything that 2025 will bring. (We already know we’re heading to the Grand Canyon in February!) I’m ready to have my evenings back and not face a whole pile of homework every week.

So, here’s to more downtime in 2024, reading more books, eating just as much ice cream, and maybe snapping more photos on a real camera than on my phone.

Wishing you the happiest of New Years.

Until next time…

Before I get into the details I’ll share very clearly up top. I will be casting my vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz on November 5th. Somewhat begrudgingly though because you know, genocide, bad. Free Palestine. Ceasefire Now. But also Project 2025, bad and reproductive rights, good.

Ok, back to the story … and please keep in mind, I’m not an expert in anything here. Just a regular human who’s trying to pay attention.

I was out on my motorcycle yesterday; it was the perfect day for it. Sunny, but not too hot, and the leaves here are just starting to change color. As I pulled out of my neighborhood, I was right behind another bike. This always elicits a positive reaction in my brain. It’s a fun little, “Hey look, another one!” Many motorcyclists (though not all) partake in a friendly wave when passing one another. It’s a simple left hand down from the handlebars, sometimes in a fun little peace sign to say, “Hello fellow human who also enjoys this high risk activity… I see you.” If you own a Wrangler, you have your own version of this in the Jeep wave.

Moto people will also talk to one another at gas stations, or chat with each other when parked in the same lot. I’ve pulled over countless times if I see a bike on the side of the road to ask them if they’re ok. It’s a part of the community. We help each other out.

So, I’m cruising along behind another Harley. It’s a slightly older guy with a passenger on the back. I don’t think either of them has seen me yet. We’re on a road with a number of stop signs in quick succession, and at the first one, I notice a small Trump Vance flag waving off the passenger seat backrest. I didn’t think too much of it until the third stop sign when we rolled by a house with a few Trump Vance signs on their lawn. There was a woman gardening outside, and the passenger on the bike in front of me was visibly moved. She shared a moment of joy with this stranger by emphatically pointing at the lawn signs and pumping her fists. The other woman smiled, waved and yelled “Go Trump!” in return. It was a little funny, and simultaneously disheartening.

This whole encounter took less than 30 seconds, but in my head, there was a dramatic shift in my thinking. I went from “I have something in common with these people” to “How can they be so excited about supporting such a cruel and corrupt man.”

At the next stop sign, the people on the bike in front of me finally noticed I was behind them. The rider gave me a head nod, and the passenger gave me a friendly wave. But it was not lost on me that it didn’t have an ounce of the excitement or the enthusiasm they had for the woman who was gardening. Their immediate connection to her was palpable. Our shared two-wheeled interest, clearly carried less weight.

I imagine, if I encountered these folks at a gas station they’d be perfectly nice to me. I don’t have anything visible on my motorcycle that indicates how much I disagree with them, politically. But I started wondering how the interaction might go if I was flying a rainbow Pride flag, or a Black Lives Matter flag.

It wasn’t that hard to imagine, because just a few hours earlier I was out canvassing. I was wearing a lanyard that said PA Dems, and a Harris Walz sticker on my shirt. During a quick Wawa stop for coffee and a snack, I got a pretty wide range of looks and vibes from people. Only one person said, “It’s nice to see people out here volunteering.” While actively door knocking, the reactions I got from people as they answered their door were a mixed bag too. I didn’t last long canvasing but, that’s a story for a different post.

Today I’m stuck thinking about how we bond with one another, and what makes some of those bonds stronger than others. I connect with people over shared life experiences like parenting or motorcycles. I relate to other queer folks, especially other bi women. I feel seen by Latinx folks and people of color raised in the US who understand the feeling of being pulled between two cultures. I connect with other book nerds and art enthusiasts. I share stories with other people who have come back from intense accidents and injuries. It’s light and silly stuff too, like wanting to dish with people who love the same TV shows and podcasts that I do. I don’t find it hard to build bridges with people. I like to figure out what we might have in common.

Some of my school readings this week were about the power of storytelling. It’s the stories we tell each other that allow us to connect. When people open up, and let us see a part of them that reflects a little piece of ourselves, we’re able to connect with them on an emotional level.

I don’t advocate for the ‘agree to disagree’ stance here. The Robert Jones Jr. quote rings true for me.

“We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement isrooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”

I also acknowledge that for most people, it’s more complicated than that. I have Trump voters in my family. Do I think they are in denial of my humanity? No. But do I wish it was easier for us to come together and have open and honest dialogue about how our opposing votes cause each other (different levels of) harm and distress? Absolutely.

I also say all of this from a position of deep privilege. If Trump is elected, I’m not going to be deported. If Trump is elected and I need an abortion, I will likely still have the means to get one, even if we face a nation-wide abortion ban. That doesn’t mean I think it would be ok, and it doesn’t mean I’m not anxious about the outcome. I have plenty of people in my life who would be negatively impacted by a second Trump term. And I absolutely feel a sense of responsibility to actively work to ensure we don’t end up there.

But how do we do that? How do I respond to my seven year old when he comes home and says his friend’s family is “voting for Trump because Trump tells the truth.” Of course I tell him that Trump lies (quite a lot actually). Of course I tell him that he and his friend should be able to play together and have fun, even though their parents disagree about the election. But now, I look over at my next-door neighbor’s house and feel … different. A piece of the connection I had as their neighbor is corroded. I haven’t decided just yet how I plan to approach that. Does this child’s mom know that I’m queer? Would she act differently towards me if she knew? Would coming out to her cause any kind of self-reflection on her part, or would it just make living next to each other even more uncomfortable? I don’t know.

I don’t know the answer to any of this. What I can tell you is that if you are reading this and you’re undecided about this election, or considering not voting at all, I’d be happy to talk to you. I’d be happy to share my personal stories with you, and listen without judgement to your thoughts. I’m sure we can find something we have in common, and share dialogue over topics where we disagree. *(Unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.)* If you disagree with anything I wrote here, I’d love to know.

I’ll be here. I’ll continue to build up my communities, and brainstorm ways for people to work together to make things better, and try my best not to jump to conclusions about the folks waving Trump flags, especially if we just might have something in common.

Until next time…

LUDICROUS SPEED!

The last time I sat down to write we were just back from Mexico and the boys and I were getting ready for back-to-school. Holy crap it feels like we’ve lived a whole lifetime in the the last month.

School Things

Both boys happily report that they love their teachers and are enjoying school. Despite a few “I don’t wanna go” complaints in the first week from Lucas, our mornings have been fun and often include some silly song and dance. I can never figure out what they want in their lunches, but they haven’t missed the bus yet so I’m taking that as a win. The afternoons, they’re very tired (and very sassy) but we’re finally starting to get into a good routine.

As for grad school, I am in my final semester. I’m taking a class called Design Leadership and working on my capstone project with Wild Bird Research Group. I can not believe that I’ll be done shortly after December rolls around. In exciting news … yesterday, I APPLIED FOR GRADUATION! I’m not going to apologize for the all caps screaming because I am HYPE. I mean… I was just starting grad school when I began writing this Substack! Back in the very beginning of 2023 I even wrote a post about starting school and landing a new job the very same week.

Which makes me laugh even more as I write…

New Job

A friend of mine from my Brooklyn motorcycle days reached out to me a few weeks ago. Heidi is a bad ass strategist and asked me to jump in head first on some really exciting client projects. I am officially the Sr. Creative Project Manager at Hackemer. I can confidently say I am proud of the work that I’m doing, I feel valued, and I’m being fairly compensated. I am elated. I am also super sleepy. Juggling work and school between now and when I finish in December is going to be a doozy. But it’s nothing I can’t handle.

Custody

My kids are currently no-contact with their dad. I don’t think this is a permanent thing, but it’s where we are right now, and it’s unclear how long it’ll last. I’d say I’m solo parenting, but thanks to my mom, it really doesn’t feel that way.

I’m not sure how much I feel ready to share here (or how much I should share, because I always feel torn about these things). But I started writing here as a space to process everything, so I don’t want to shy away from this very big, very real thing happening in our lives. It’s a huge part of why juggling everything else feels so difficult right now.

The kids seem perfectly fine, but of course I’m not sure if it’ll stay that way as they work out their own feelings. I’ve got family therapy resources in hand and I’ve started to make a few phone calls. As I’ve talked about before, parenting is weird and hard and all I can do is take it one day at a time and continue to make decisions with my kids’ best interest at heart.

Other things

We went to the RV show and Hershey park and I discovered that both of my kids are absolute roller coaster junkies. They definitely get that from me.

We spent last weekend in Baltimore and had a blast exploring the aquarium.

The last thing I want to mention is that my capstone project will require a whole lot of user research, so if you’re willing to chat with me and give me feedback between now and December 9th, please let me know!

Until next time…

This summer it was Isla Mujeres and Akumal to enjoy quality time with friends and family. We woke up at 3:15 am for a 7:00 am flight. After a plane ride, and a shuttle to the dock, we hopped on a ferry for a ride that was very sweaty, but also provided gorgeous views and some saxophone serenades. I didn’t know it was possible to play Eiffel 65s “I’m Blue” on a sax but I was very wrong. We went from ferry to golf cart and immediately to a beachside restaurant. Being able to enjoy incredible food (and a very strong margarita) while the kids play nearby in the ocean is probably one of my favorite things in the world… even if we were all extremely exhausted and still very sweaty.

After lunch we made our way to the Air BnB, settled in a bit, and then went out for a drive around Isla. The whole island is only 4.3 miles long, so it didn’t take long to go from the northern end to Punta Sur, the southern tip.

Our four days on Isla were spent swimming, relaxing, reading, and eating more delicious food. Our adventure day was spent zip lining, snorkeling and swimming with dolphins. To say the boys were happy is a huge understatement.

Worth mentioning: these changing towels (Gabe’s wearing his in the photos above) have completely changed the game for getting the kids into bathing suits or back into dry clothes. I bought them at a surf shop in OC earlier this summer and can’t believe how much we use them. Fabulous parenting hack, especially if you have a sensory kid who hates being in wet clothes.

After our four days on the island, we went back to Cancun on the ferry (no saxophone this time) and drove south to Akumal. Over the last few trips Mary and I have gotten pretty good at finding places that will comfortably sleep our large group and still give us beautiful views. This place was next level.

I spent the first afternoon on the beach bed finishing one book and starting another. Later that night, from the exact same spot, we watched a sea turtle make her way along the beach, digging and searching for a spot to lay her eggs. The moon was incredibly bright because it had been full the night before. It was one of those magical “I can’t believe this is happening right in front of me” kind of moments.

In Akumal, we ate, we drank, we swam, and we played lots of family games at night. Over our five days there we had three adventures. First was to Xcaret to enjoy the park and the underground river.

Next was a gorgeous sunset cruise on a catamaran. The boys got to steer and had so much fun jumping off the front of the boat.

And finally, we found a cenote with a jump spot! I didn’t love the little fish nibbling at our feet, but I did love witnessing the completion of Lucas’ transition from the beginning of the week, when he claimed he couldn’t swim in the deep end of the pool, to the daredevil you see here.

Traveling with kids is not easy or stress-free. I was perpetually making sure they were wearing enough sunscreen, eating enough, and drinking plenty of water in the excessive heat. It’s definitely worth it, though. There were multiple days on this trip when my kids went from saying, “I don’t want to do that” to “Mommy, this is so cool!” or even, “This is the best day of my life!”

Although I would have been happy with a bit more sleep and downtime, I’m so thrilled with all the memories we made on this trip. And of course I still enjoyed some late night mezcal and chats with friends and cousins, and read a few books.

Oh, and I bought this amazing little miniature tienda!

Now the boys are back in school (today’s the first day!) and we’re very excited for the cooler weather and all the spooky fun in the very near future.

Until next time…

MAY

Memorial Day was spent at the beach with friends and family. Lucas got an awesome new bike with colorful leopard spots. We also had one of the foggiest days at the beach I’ve ever seen, which made for some very eerie but cool pictures.

JUNE

The kids finished up school, I went on my annual summer moto camping trip to Narrowsburg for Babes Ride Out, and we spent our first long chunk of time down in OC. Mary bought the boys cool kayaks, we did our first ever escape room, and quickly became quite addicted to açaí bowls. We’re still working out whether Playa or Pablos is better.

JULY

The 4th of July was an awesome weekend spent with friends. We spotted a bald eagle (with a fish in his talons!) and got to watch the fireworks from our boat as they lit up the bay.

The boys did two weeks of Miquon Day Camp with their cousins, and Lucas attended at least 3.5 of those 10 days! We spent the rest of July and the beginning of August at the beach and had tons of fun with all our visitors. We’ve all been reading a ton, and getting in the (cold) ocean as much as possible. And most importantly, Lucas *finally* let me pull out his extra front tooth that was hanging on for what felt like 4 months.

AUGUST

Mary found us a Fireboat adventure, so we got to go for a ride on the John J. Harvey, a legit fireboat from the 1930s.

We just got back from 5 days in Vermont. We did a little hiking, a little exploring, found two amazing bookstores, and the boys each got a fire flannel fit from the Vermont Flannel Company. I also took photos with a real camera for the first time in what felt like forever. Not pictured here, of course, because I have yet to get anything from memory card to computer. I’ll get to that once the task of clearing the pictures off my phone is complete.

I have no idea how the summer has flown by, or how I was able to keep up with work, school work, and a few freelance projects without childcare. This week I’m wrapping up finals for two classes and getting us packed and ready to head to Riviera Maya. Mary and I both keep ogling at the AirBnB photos, we’re so freakin’ excited.

Two days after we get home, we’ll be celebrating Gabriel’s *NINTH* birthday. Then, before we know it, the school year will be upon us, and that will be a wrap on Summer 2024!

I would love to hear what your favorite part of the summer has been, whether it’s been an adventure or some quiet, peaceful downtime. Hope you enjoyed this somewhat chaotic recap.

Until next time…

Reading is one of my favorite activities. I have been like this for as long as I can remember. When I get hooked on a story, I simply don’t want to put a book down. Sometimes its not just that I don’t want to, it legitimately feels like I can’t, and I absolutely love that feeling. I love being so engrossed in a story that I just have to know what happens next. (Some of my friends and family don’t always love it, but they tolerate it anyway and for that I’m eternally grateful.) I read anything and everything and I especially love a mystery or a thriller. Give me a book that keeps me guessing along the way and has a twist or an unexpected ending. Or just give me a good story and a few quiet hours and I’m happy.

Here are the books that I’ve read so far this year:

* The Fetishist by Katherine Min

* House Gone Quiet by Kelsey Norris

* Girl In The Walls by A.J. Gnuse

* How to Stand Up To A Dictator by Maria Ressa

* God Bless You, Otis Spunkmeyer by Joseph Earl Thomas

* Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice

* Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy

* We Are A Haunting by Tyriek White

* The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan

* Devil Is Fine by John Vercher

* The Missing by Tim Gautreaux

* Real Americans by Rachel Khong

I was not, however, expecting to be hit with a deeply nostalgic feeling from stumbling upon some used matches, left sitting in the built-in cupholder of a beach chair. That felt a step too far, even for me. But it definitely happened.

The boys and I have been down in OC for about a week and after days of their insistence that they didn’t want to go to the beach, I finally convinced them to make the trek across Coastal Highway to put our toes in the sand and enjoy the ocean. As I got everything situated and unfolded my chair, I looked down and saw the used matches laying at the bottom of the canvas cupholder, sprinkled with a little bit of sand. I remember the day they ended up there so vividly.

I’ve been in two ‘real’ relationships since my divorce. This was the second one. This was a person I connected with, had so much in common with, and yet also was so completely different from at the same time? Which makes no sense but made perfect sense to me. I thought I had found someone who saw me. Someone who understood me. Most importantly, I thought I found someone who genuinely wanted to be with me, and who was truly worthy of my time and love and attention. I wanted to think this was real. That this was how you build a love with someone.

We had a bit of a whirlwind romance, and a very weird schedule because he travels so much for work. He’d be around for a week, and then gone for three. But we made the most of our time together, and both understood that often, much of that time would be spent doing homework or work work. But time together was always peaceful, and always included delicious food, usually home cooked. Damn this man could cook.

We were able to go on one trip together, but it didn’t exactly go as planned, and for me, that was the first time that the reality of our compatibility (or lack thereof) started setting in. My close friends have heard all the details here, it still makes me cringe to think about them. We did, however, manage to make it through that trip, and have a good time, though I think it was the point where the rose colored glasses came off for both of us.

A few weeks later, we were able to spend a quiet November weekend together here at the house in OC. A weekend that basically left me oscillating between “this is so nice, maybe we’re going to be ok” and “I really don’t think this is going the way I thought it should.” The weekend was filled with calm and space and beautiful meals and laughter and watching old movies. Despite the chilly fall weather, we did make it to the beach. We bundled up and brought the big cozy chairs and the instant camera and a little pre-rolled joint. I couldn’t find a lighter anywhere in the house, but I did find some matches. We had a bear of a time getting that thing lit with all the wind and I ended up creating a ridiculous tent with the blanket and we made it work.

We smoked and we shivered a little and we watched the waves crash in front of us and didn’t need to say much of anything. I snapped a bunch of bad instant photos and it was damn near perfect.

The pang I felt when I found those matches still sitting in that cup holder 7 months later wasn’t a longing for that relationship, or a wish that it had worked out differently. In the end, it truly wasn’t the right fit. We ended things on good terms, and I wish him the best. What I felt was a genuine curiosity about whether I’ll have that sense of hope again. Whether I’ll be able to find it somewhere in me to believe that a deep connection like that is not only possible, but possible for me. I’ve become so skeptical. I want to think it’s real, but damn it really seems rare.

This week, as the boys and I got ready to leave the beach, I folded up the chair, turned it upside down and let the wooden matches tumble into the sand. I save and collect all kinds of things, but this whole memory felt like it was asking to be released. It served as a reminder to trust my gut and shake things out. In the mean time I’ll continue moving toward things that bring me joy, and try to remain cautiously optimistic about finding real love at some point in the future.

Until next time…

My cousin told me about the program, cause his kids all play hockey and have gone through it in various stages. When Gabe and I first walked in, he got to watch his cousins having a blast on the ice with their dad. I think there’s something to be said for watching people who are good at the thing you’re trying to learn.

Once the lesson started and Gabe was on the ice, my cousin and I started to chat about getting our kids into activities, helping them work through it when it’s hard, and how to tell if they’re actually having fun. (Gabe recently told me he wants to play soccer again in the fall, which shocked me because he complained about every practice and game all season.) Gabe flip-flopped for a bit about whether he wanted to do this 6 week program, but I was able to convince him that it would help hone his rollerblading skills, which he was pumped for. And yet, as I stood on the edges of the rink and watched through the glass, he spent a good chunk of his 30-minute lesson making little piles of ice fluff with his skates on the ice and trying to avoid the coach’s instructions. At least this week he was willing to hang out for a bit of the open skate afterwards. I’m taking that as a win.

When I think back on my own childhood, I know I complained about soccer because of stories my mom tells, but I can’t really remember it. At some point it just clicked and even though I didn’t *love* running, I really loved the sport, and being a part of a team (especially a good one). I played basketball because my friends did, and because I was my adult height of 5’ 7” in 7th grade. I wasn’t great at it, but I certainly enjoyed it, especially when I had great coaches. I didn’t get into anything artistic until I was in high school. Also, I think I would have had an amazing time (and probably had better friends) if I had gotten into the theater productions in high school… but it didn’t feel like there was any time with sports as my priority. Fast forward to college, when my school didn’t have a soccer team, so I learned how to properly play volleyball and absolutely loved it. And now I’m an adult figuring out how to roller skate, and get back into hiking and stay inspired by making silly little art things that I don’t show anyone. I even considered getting on the ice with Gabe one of these days. I’m still finding my thing(s) and I’m ok with it.

My kids became ‘activity-aged’ in the midst of the pandemic, so it felt like an easy decision to just wait it out, and see what they developed an interest in. But now, I feel overwhelmed with the options. Gabe is interested in so many different sports. How do I strike the balance between letting him try a few, but also encouraging him to stick with something for long enough to get good at it? Also why are lacrosse sticks so damn expensive?! Lucas needs some kind of activity to get his energy out, but doesn’t seem too interested in anything I’ve suggested. How do I encourage him without forcing him into doing something he doesn’t want to? Lucas is an awesome little creative thinker and I think he’d do great in some kind of art program… but that doesn’t really get him moving enough. (Martial arts has been suggested, and although I love the idea of the boys doing karate because my dad did, I cringe at the thought of them learning how to properly beat each other up.) Oh yea, and we have two instruments sitting in our living room, and I’d love for them to take lessons… the list feels never ending.

I want my kids to find something they really love. I want them to realize that no one is ever good at something immediately. I want to help them see that you can still enjoy an activity even if you’re extremely bad at it. Heck, you might even be able to enjoy it even more!

How did you find your thing? How long did it take you to get good at that thing? What’s something you’ve been wanting to try, but haven’t?

I’ll leave you with this incredible photo of Lucas as a tarantula for his ZooZaPalooza at school last week. Dressing up is most definitely one of his things.

Until next time…

Everything sort of swirls around in my head and my thoughts jump between to-do lists and appointments and obligations.

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I had a massage on Tuesday night and I realized that when I’m able to get there, it is one of very few places where I’m able to find quiet, peace, stillness and where I allow my mind to just wander. It’s also where I happen to come up with some of my best ideas. To be clear, these are very intense, painful, deep tissue massages so it’s possible that the reason I can’t really think about anything else is because I’m too focused on the physical experience.

One of my classes this semester is called ‘In Search of the Big Idea’ and I’m reading a lot about ways to be creative, where to find inspiration, and all types of habits and practices to help the process. The concepts of time, space, stillness and room to breathe keep resurfacing. It makes perfect sense, and yet it’s so much easier said than done.

I joke with my friends all the time that my attention span is completely shot, and I’ve developed this constant need to be entertained and distracted. I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is grab my phone. I turn off my alarm, check my texts and then play Wordle, Connections, the Daily Mini Crossword and a few other games on my phone. I listen to podcasts on my commute. I text my friends and family throughout the day on four different messaging apps, scroll through social media on my lunch break, or bring a book to read or magazine to flip through. I usually have homework to do after work, and if I don’t I watch a little tv before I fall asleep and do it all over again the next day. I’ve been spending less time on Instagram, but I started doing NYT crosswords again, so I’ve just traded time on one app for another. I’m constantly looking at a screen, constantly consuming visuals and content.

So, other than on the massage table for 50 minutes once a month, when else do I feel ok just doing nothing? Even when I’m out hiking or at the beach, I take pictures and videos, and I’ll want to post something on Instagram shortly after. I’m also *so* easily distracted. I’ll pull out my phone for one reason, but get sidetracked by notifications, do something else for a few minutes, and put my phone away only to realize I didn’t do the one thing I opened it to do in the first place.

If I could name another place I feel that sense of calm and stillness, it’s when I’m swimming in the ocean. I think floating on my back in the salt water is probably one of the most perfect ways to relax and reset. But I can’t do that in the winter. I’ve also had the same feeling late at night on vacation, laughing with family on a balcony while looking up at the stars (though admittedly that was after a bit of mezcal.) This mental space to breathe also happens when I’m on my motorcycle, which is one of the many reasons I love riding so much, but that’s seasonal too. Maybe it also happened when I was practicing yoga more frequently, (it’s something I know I need to start up again.)

Why is it so easy to know what would make me feel better (movement, stretching, fresh air, limiting screen time, etc.) and still so hard to actually follow through and do these things on a regular basis?

I’ve been feeling the effects of the grey and the cold. I’ve been skirting the edges of burnout. And then after I had my massage on Tuesday it hit me … I’m not giving myself enough space to just be still.

So if you’re someone who has figured out how to strike that balance between the chaos of life and rest, please please please share your methods with me. I need all the tips and tricks to make it through this winter with my sanity in tact.

Other things worth mentioning this week:

* Gabriel got his ears pierced and man he looks so cute and so grown up and even though we still butt heads a lot I’m so so proud of how cool and smart and amazing this little dude is.

* I saw one of the big pieces from my thesis project in it’s forever home and was reminded how much I love printing and seeing my art out in the world. I need to make more big weird canvas prints.

* I made it to the roller rink for the first time in ages and I really love it there. Starting to skate backwards!

* School is chugging along, and even though I’m exhausted I’m learning a lot and I’m really enjoying this semester.

* No updates on the full-time gig at Princeton… just waiting patiently for some news

I hope everyone is staying warm and finding some time for peace and quiet whenever possible. Until next time…

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If you’re curious about the class or the project, feel free to reach out. For this post I’m just going to focus on the idea that’s been bouncing around my brain for a while.

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If you know me, you know I am *so bad* at asking for help. I will push through just about anything for the sake of not ‘bothering’ anyone else with my crap. I will, of course, drop anything and everything at any moment to help my friends and loved ones, but god forbid I lean on them in return. I also know I’m not the only one in my circle who does this. But… as I type out this post on the precipice of complete and total burnout I’m thinking mostly about just how stupid that is. I have hands down the best network of support I could possibly imagine. Why am I so insistent on trying to do everything by myself? It goes against everything I believe about community and love and friendship.

For my class, the idea was to create some kind of app or website that allowed people a completely guilt-free space to ask their loved ones for whatever they needed in a given moment. (Think encouraging words, weekly check-ins, $5 for a coffee, a workout accountability buddy, someone to watch their kids, someone to cook them dinner or drop off food, etc.)

Now, y’all know I will not be developing an app or building a new website anytime soon. But… the holidays are upon us and I’m starting to think about how I want to give and receive this year. So I’m going to lay out a few things I could use in my life, and then a few things I have capacity to give this holiday season.

I could use:

* A new job!I’d love a resume review, a plug at a company, an intro to someone who you think could be helpful, some general encouragement, or just the occasional text checking in on how things are going.

* A movement / workout buddy going into 2024*Bonus points if you want to come to the roller rink with me.

* Someone who wants to hike with me.

I can give:

* Photos (obviously)My fall semester is over next Tuesday so I have time for some family (or pet!) photo sessions.

* PrintsStill my favorite thing to do! Whatever you need printed let me know.

* Book recommendations (and hand-me downs)I read a bunch this year & always like passing along the good ones.

* A meal or food delivery

* Regular text / phone call check-ins

* BabysittingFor my friends & family with those little nuggets who need a night off

* Lots of other things, JUST ASK ME

Having a community is one thing. Being in community is another. I want the people that I love to know that I welcome the opportunity to step up and provide any kind of help, love and support right now. I love y’all.

Until next time…

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This year I started graduate school, started a new job, traveled to Mexico twice, and did my first long-haul motorcycle trip since the accident. I spent time at the beach (though admittedly not enough), fell in love with my partner, and was reminded how much I love live music and shows and comedy. So many exciting things have happened recently… I continue to be blown away by just how quickly the weeks and months fly by and how fast my kids are growing up.

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I’m trying to be more intentional about pausing and really appreciating this incredible life that I get to live. I have two healthy, rambunctious amazing kids. They’re funny and creative and they teach me something new just about every day. I’ve got the best friends and family any human could possibly ask for in life. My mom and Tori continue to help me maintain my sanity and somehow get through my pile of homework every week.

I get to go to work and learn about the most interesting people and topics. I collaborate with talented writers and designers, and we get to sit and chat and figure out how to execute some really awesome storytelling. Next week our team has 4 different shoots scheduled in Princeton’s IAC (that’s the Imaging Analysis Center). A few weeks ago I didn’t even know what it was, and now I’m having fun nerding out learning about quasicrystals, microscopy and how we’re able to view things at an atomic scale. It’s astounding.

As it gets cold, I’m feeling grateful to live in a place that lets me experience all four seasons. Grateful we were able to fix our heat quickly when it broke, and also that I have the privilege of escaping to warmer weather when I need to. (Yes, I did sneak to FL for a week back in early November.)

I don’t love commuting three days a week, but I do love catching up on my podcasts and scream-singing in the car by myself. Last week as I worked on a school assignment about accessibility, I was reminded of how lucky I am, despite my limitations from the accident, to be able to see and hear and move through the world the way that I do. I try to enjoy it a little extra when I’m able to rest more on the weekend, snuggle with my dog, drink a delicious cup of hot coffee in my cozy house.

I do not take any of these things for granted. Time is moving so quickly it’s easy to forget. Easy to get caught up in just getting through the next day or week or month. But I’m getting back in the habit of taking a few minutes every day to remind myself how supremely blessed I am.

As it gets colder and darker, feel free to hit me up if you need a little lightness in your life. Until next time…

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It is genuinely hard to believe how long he has been gone. I remember feeling particularly overwhelmed in 2011, the year that marked just as many years in my life without him as years I had with him. Each milestone that has passed, I always think about what it would be like if he was here to celebrate with us. I know at my core how much he would have loved being an Abuelo to my boys.

For a long time, my mom and I used to eat at a restaurant in Philly called Vietnam Palace in his honor every year. (It broke my heart when it closed as a result of the pandemic.) Then I moved to NY, and we would still try to have dinner together on the 22nd. In recent years, my own small homage to him has been to ensure I enjoy a little bit of tequila, and toast to his memory.

This year, I’m thinking more about how I want to talk about him with Gabe & Lucas. I want them to know the stories about him, I want them to feel connected to him, and I want them to know how important he still is to me. I want to show them the ways we can carry people with us, and keep their memories alive.

I want them both to know that I think of him every time I am near the ocean, and that I will help them learn how to scuba dive if they want to. I want them to know that he was a poet, and that our creative nature comes from him. I want them to know how brave he was, and that he literally saved someone’s life by pulling them from a burning car. I want them to know that our sense of adventure (and sometimes recklessness) is in part because of him. I want them to know that there are still plenty of stories we have yet to hear, and I can’t wait for us to hear them together.

More than anything, I am realizing that I need to tell them stories about him all the time, not just on the anniversary of his death, or his birthday. Not just when we put up our ofrenda for dia. If I want them to know him, we have to talk about him more, even when it’s painful.

It’s been 22 years and I still don’t know if I’ve fully processed it. I am so fortunate to have the most incredible, wonderful, loving and caring mother. She helped me figure out how to navigate the world without him. My life and perspective was shaped by his death. It changed how we traveled, and how we made decisions. It brought my mom and I closer, and helped keep in perspective what’s important. But it’s been 22 years, and it still doesn’t feel fair. I miss him, and I still wish I didn’t have to.

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I’m typing out this post as I’m on day five (maybe six?) of some pretty intense back pain. This is in addition to the regular, low level aches and pains that I have on a daily basis. I get flare ups in a few spots, some worse than others. When it’s my back, it’s mostly inconvenient and a little bit distracting. It’s especially annoying when it ends up limiting other activities that are also beneficial for my physical and mental health.

I went to physical therapy this morning, as I do most Thursdays at 11:15. Here’s a list of just some of the things that I have to do between now and Sunday:

* Laundry

* Prep for a work meeting today

* Do a little bit of photo research

* 2 assignments for my Vis Comm class (thankfully these are relatively simple)

* Assess a logo based on Ethical Design and submit a redesign

* One class module (lots of reading) and write a report on using data to improve creative team performance

* Interact with a class discussion board & write a quick evaluation on our group members’ contributions and work this week

* Be a mom (iykyk)

But guess what my body is telling me to do? Go lay down.

Getting through everything that I have to do with minimum pain and my sanity in tact is a very delicate balancing act. Did I go back to sleep this morning after getting Gabriel on the bus? Yep, absolutely. Am I writing this post from a cozy chair during a sanity break from school work? Also yes. But will I continue to push through working today, tomorrow and through the weekend? You betchya. I don’t really have a choice.

I don’t write this because I want anyone to feel bad for me. Living with daily pain is a part of my life now, but I am *extremely* lucky to still be alive. Period. That doesn’t mean that it’s always easy. I made the decision to go back to school knowing that it would be time consuming and difficult. It’s just, sometimes, when someone casually asks me, “Hey, how are you today?” I’d like to be able to answer a bit more honestly. I want to be vocal about my good days and my hard ones. The world is not an easy or accessible place for disabled people. I’m personally still grappling with my own use of that term to describe myself because I’m someone who can mostly get by in a world built for able-bodied people. But it’s hard. And by advocating for myself, I’m also advocating for other disabled individuals.

Being in pain is exhausting, and I’m trying to give myself the space to rest when I need it without feeling too guilty. When I first accepted this job, I figured once this semester is over I’d be ready to work 4-5 days a week at the new gig instead of the current 3-4. But guess what? I don’t think my body can handle it. As it is, by the time Thursday rolls around I can barely get myself out of bed in the mornings. Coming to the conclusion that my physical form is simply not cut out for certain things anymore is hard. Especially because if you know me, you know being a busy ass over-achieving b***h is like, integral to my personality and self-worth. But, here’s to letting some of that go… here’s to resting and recuperating and to being kind to your body, especially when it’s in pain. Also, if you experience any kind of pain on a regular basis, I cannot recommend a caring physical therapist enough.

I’ll be back and forth between my bed, my laundry room and my office for the rest of the week, and on Monday start the whole process all over again.

Until next time…